Pistachios are the nut version of crack

So this whole week I've been eating pistachios. Like non-stop. Okay, so I've stopped a few times, but I bought a big bucket Monday and they've been a delish worktime snacky snack.

And as of yesterday they were all gone.

Now, I have a SERIOUS craving for some pistachios. But there are none to be found.

If I had a magical power it would be whatever the name is for that power wherein I could summon food ON THE SPOT.

Wouldn't that be awesome?

It would.

When Narcolepsy is a Good Thing

Last night, I was sound in bed and fast sleep pretty early. Very early. We are talking 7 pm early. And I am not exaggerating one little bit. For REAL.

I think all these nights of 6 hour sleep and ridiculously early wake up times for pre-work exercise has finally done me in. While I had grand intentions of having a fascinating Thursday evening (aka boozing) a few glasses of wine around 6 pm ruined me. The wine + a week of little sleep cancelled all previous intended activities and I went straight home and straight to bed.

I woke up once in the middle of the night, around 2 am, which would have signaled about the normal amount of sleep I get each night. But then I was out cold again, and didn’t wake up until I had to be up around 7 this morning. It was the most marvelous feeling. I mean, I feel fantastic right now. And I look fantastic. You know how they say if you get more sleep you are more likely to lose weight? Well it’s true, I lost a good 30 lbs last night.

Okay that last part was a lie, but seriously. I highly recommend 12 hours of sleep to EVERYONE.

If this doesn't make you jump for joy, then clearly there is something wrong with you.

PRECIOUS. Read full article at HuffPo.

ALSO

Do you remember Popples? Holy SHIT looking at photos of them make me sick to my stomach because I WANT ONE AGAIN SO BADLY. I mean it's really weird how obsessed I am with a weird stuffed animal that could fold in on itself but SERIOUSLY I loved those little dudes. I FEEL ILL WITH WANT.

OMG DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER FASHION PLATES?

HOW F-ING GREAT WERE THOSE?

Got Election Night Plans? I Do.

Look what I am doing election night:



It's going to be SO AWESOME, right? OMG I feel like I am going to be able to re-enact some of my West Wing related fantasies, such as, attending a political rally/celebration, and perhaps being filmed while talking AND walking down a hallway. And maybe be incredibly inspired by a political leader... God I hope so. This way I will party my FACE OFF if Obama wins, and if he loses I will be surrounded by thousands of other sad crying Angelenos. I AM SO EXCITED.

A Question (pertaining to the previous post)

I have been informed that American Indian is the politically correct term for Native American.

Which begs the question, when/why did Native American become politically INcorrect?

Dream Catcher Earrings? YES PLEASE

OMG so my senior year of college one of my roommates was totally obsessed with Native Americans. In a hilarious, weird, but very sincere way. It started because she was very vocal in her enthusiasm for moccasins, as well as art, and then "I LOVE NATIVE AMERICANS!" became a "thing" for her in general. Well, it seems to have rubbed off on me, or I seem to have always shared that view point (looking back, my mom did force feed a love for Native American culture from the get go, with trips to ruins and reservations when we were kids, lots of turquoise jewelry, Kokipelli designs on EVERYTHING--seriously, everything) because since I have moved to LA and am in much closer proximity to the desert and maybe some actual historic sites where these Native Americans once lived, I've become a little obsessed. Sure, it is somewhat in jest, or exaggerated, but what can you expect? And I do kind of LOVE it!

Anyway, when we were in Pahrump, NV we met this crazy dude named Kenny Clearwater who had dream catchers hanging from the rear view mirror of his car and was very entertaining, and I also became slightly obsessed with talking to this women who lived in Shoshone, which is essentially Death Valley, and was rocking an outfit identical to one my mom had (read: crazy beaded belt with turquoise, some sort of turquoise-like stone earrings, you know).

WELL TODAY I found these in my desk when I was doing some house cleaning:



SO AWESOME. WHO WOULDN'T WANT DREAM CATCHER EARRINGS!!!!?!!!

And then, in a co-worker's office, I found this:



While it looks like a dead bird of some sort, it is in fact a HAIR BARRETTE. You know, because hippie-AmerIndian fashions are TOTES HOT RIGHT NOW.

But anyway.

DREAM CATCHER EARRINGS! AND A BARRETTE OF FEATHERS! And then I thought OMG MAYBE I WILL BE A NATIVE AMERICAN FOR HALLOWEEN, I DO ALREADY HAVE MOCCASINS AND A GENERAL APPRECIATION FOR THE CULTURE.

Koyaanisqatsi.

Narcolepsy strikes again!

I fell asleep several times driving to work this morning. If you are thinking, "wow that sounds highly dangerous" you are right, it is. I live on the wild side. But I can't really help it. I just was so incredibly sleepy this morning. Well, maybe I could help it, if I went to bed earlier than my usual 11:30 pm bedtime, or if I didn't force myself to work out so G-D early everyday. Or even purchasing a cup of coffee for my drive might help...

I mean, let's be honest with each other, it's not as though I full on passed out, head back, drool everywhere, fell asleep. It was more like that awful bobbing of the head we all remember from those days of miserable history classes in college. And sure, okay, at the occasional red light I shut my eyes for a few seconds, but I never let my foot step off the break.

Okay maybe once I stepped off the break.

But I never hit anyone. Did I come close? I am not going to say yes. Do I always tell the truth? I am not going to say yes (again) but don't read into that too heavily.

And now that I am at work, I have an overwhelming urge to just shut my eyes and thunk my head down onto my ergonomic (or whatever you call it) wrist/keypad cushion. Seriously I think it would be really comfortable for a little nap.

CENTER STAGE HAS A SEQUEL

And it is going to be on the OXYGEN CHANNEL (HAH) this Saturday night. Thank God for DirecTV and DVR because I will definitely be recording that shit and then watching it when hungover on Saturday. Who else is with me?

I saw Center Stage twice in the theater (once with my mom and once with my dad. And they both loved it. And apparently I didn't have any friends beyond family members) and it was one of those mutually loved films in college (friends with fine film tastes at last!) on heavy rotation in college. SO EXCITED FOR ROUND TWO, which is actually called Center Stage: Turn It Up.

I WILL TURN IT UP. I WILL.

A study in LA's public transportation

Rumor: Los Angeles does not have a subway system
FALSE. It does. And it is good. And clean. And eerily empty.

Also, taking the bus in LA is a cost effective way to get to places where you will be spending lots of money on drinks and even more money for the late night cab ride home. It is also an effective way to better acquaint yourself with some of the city’s homeless population. And, due to the length of time it might take to travel from say, Santa Monica, to, say, downtown, it’s an excellent opportunity to drink a lot of alcohol, so that when arriving at the intended destination less money might be spent.

Oh, but the subway system—yes, yes, it does exist! And after a lovely hour-long bus ride Saturday night I was exposed to the also-lovely metro that can be found in downtown LA. I felt like I was back in NYC, or Boston, or really—as though I was studying abroad. The whole thing was so foreign to me, and in a part of the city I do not know AT ALL, that it really was as though we were a bunch of kids using some quality metro time to get from place to place. It was odd to be taking a subway that was so sparsely populated.

I will say that taking the bus and the subway in one night reminded me that all you really need to get around is about $3. Vodka doesn’t hurt either.

HIVES: Further Evidence That I am Doomed to a Long-term Existence as a 12 Year Old

I had a weird allergic reaction to a pair of pants this morning. Seriously. I broke out into hives.

Yes, hives.

Hives.

Like... all over my ass (seriously). And my knee caps, my belly button, my thighs...

And eventually they spread. But really the redness and itchyness spread and I legit had a freak allergy attack and fucking HIVES.

I am not at all kidding. Not at all. It was insane. And you know something, contrary to popular belief, breaking out in hives SUCKS. (Actually I don’t even know if it is popular belief, but I am going to go with that belief that is like braces logic—you know, when you were a kid you kind of wanted braces because of the idea of it, even though in reality they suck; well it was kind of like that. Like you always hear kids say “I got hives” and you are like, huh, hives. I kinda want hives one of these days. BUT YOU DON’T. THEY SUCK. FUCK HIVES.)

Here’s what happened:

Foolishly, on Wednesday I agreed to a Friday morning workout with my trainer, which I never do, but I was so jazzed we changed our time to 6:30 am (as opposed to 6 am, which required me to wake up at 5:30 am, which BLOWS) and I was all about it, even though I had a sense I was probably going to go out Thursday night. So anyway, I woke up this morning around 6:05 am and wanted to murder someone. Really. I woke up and my alarm is set to play Cat Stevens’ “Morning Has Broken” (because I am both unoriginal and corny) and thought, who can I blame for this and subsequently murder?

But then I snoozed two 5-minute sets and felt well enough to get out of bed. So I got my ass ready for the gym, threw on the last remaining clean pair of socks and workout pants I could fine (t-shirt supply is always in abundance) and sleep-walked to my car and drove to the gym, arriving 10 minutes late as intended. (Sometimes I like to show up late to my training sessions as kind of a big FUCK YOU to my trainer who is dumb as rocks—he spelled marathon “marithon” our first day, among other things—and generally a person I dislike beyond his kickass training capabilities. And it reminds both him and me that he works for me and I can do what I want which is kind of awesome because in all other aspects of my life I am just hanging onto the lowest ladder rung. No, I don’t have any issues. None at all.)

We did a little bit more low-key workout because I bitched about how tired I was from going out last night (went to a SWEET comedy show featuring the dudes from Human Giant, and others—it was AWESOME), and like 45 minutes into it I started just itching a lot. Mostly my quads, but my shins and kneecaps and other places. I absent-mindedly just thought it was because it’s so dry out and whatever, but the itching was only increasing. I was scratching my leg later when I was stretching, and pulled up my pants a little bit to discover that on my kneecap there were all these really weird looking bumps. I quickly headed to the locker room to change for the showers and stripped out of my workout clothes to discover huge fucking HIVES all over my ass and midriff (well really mostly up to where the pants stopped, so just below my belly button). IT WAS NUTS. My legs were also bright red and itching like MAD and I had a crazy chill and was kind of starting to freak out because my ass/lower half of my body looked like I was a bad PSA for nut allergy or meth usage or something. I sped through the shower and got dressed and raced home, to pop a Benadryl and some cortisone cream, and pray to my animal spirit god that he would save me.

I guess it was allergies because the Benadryl definitely worked. The hives have gone down. Still pretty itchy though. Gonna go see the doctor later anyway to maybe get a cortisone shot, but really what I want to know is:

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED

And again, apologies for the recent spike in profanity but I am so weirded out by this whole situation. I mean, who the hell gets hives around 7 am on a Friday? HAH I guess the same person who just two weeks ago broke her retainer eating an apple. I mean between the orthodontic issues and the freak allergy attacks—I belong in middle school.

HIVES ON MY ASS

I’ll leave you with that.

OH AND I AM NEVER FUCKING WEARING THOSE PANTS AGAIN (even though they were clean and had been washed in the same load as a pair of pants I wore to work out Wednesday morning and there were NO HIVES WITH THOSE OTHER PANTS. SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK).

Um, yes

I was recently turned onto to Michael Ian Black's blog and let me tell you, IT IS FABULOUS. It makes me cry and vomit at once, mostly because I AM SO ENVIOUS. (Jealousy is a funny thing my friends... very, very funny. AND TRICKY TOO.) Anyway, I especially appreciate his most recent post, "I Am Not a Real American" in which the final outcome is really that Michael Ian Black hates freedom. Which is awesome. Because I too hate freedom.

Look at this snippet, where Monsieur Black (you know the French also hate freedom) discusses the new theme in American political rhetoric wherein one "side" criticizes the other of being "anti-America" (aka Sarah Palin referencing the pro-American parts of the country aka Sarah Palin once again showing everyone she has no brain. Nope, none.) and he is now asserting him self as belonging to the "side" that is anti. See the following:

For example, I read the New York Times. Not once in a while. Every day. I thought I did this because I enjoy knowing what’s going on in the world, but now I know that I read that newspaper because I hate America.

OMG Michael Ian Black I AM SO right there with you. I read the NYT, HuffPo, CNN, WSJ, and actually FOX News (I like to know the mindset of the ENEMY) EVERY SINGLE DAY. You are so impressed right now. And look, I even have like 1% Republican street cred because of the FOX news thing. Oh and also my grandfather is an Obama-hating, Palin-loving, questionably racist NRA gun-toting old dude who lives in Florida... so that’s something.

Anyway... don’t really remember the point of this post... just check out the hilarity of that dude’s blog AND KEEP READING MY BLOG because some day maybe Michael Ian Black will blog about my blog and be like OMG you guys Jaw Wired Shut is so funny it makes me want to cry and vomit with envy. WOW. What a wild and crazy world that would be.

Hot Jams, Political Edition

Not as good as the "Yes We Can" video, but still pretty awesome.

Speaking of which, I've been watching that vid again pretty regularly. Last night I watched the actual speech it came from. This morning I listened to The Audacity of Hope on my drive to work. Yes, I am a fanatic. Also sick to my stomach thinking about how this might not happen. Will be a certified wreck on a Novemeber 4th...

Get me outta here

Remember that time I was freaking out over the earthquake and threatening to leave California? Well, don't think those sentiments have disappeared just yet. Per this article, "California is due for a Katrina-style disaster." NOT COOL.

I'm thinking once I've put in a solid two years at this job I will be getting out of this town as fast as I can. Unless McCain wins the election, in which case you can come visit me in France soon.

Places I am considering moving to? Here's a list, and in a fairly accurate rank of what I am considering:

Austin, TX
Switzerland
New Zealand
New York City
Paris
Aspen, CO
Seattle
Capetown, South Africa
Vancouver
Boston

American cities are likely if Obama is president. European cities (and elsewhere) if he does not. Why Austin, TX? Well one of my closest friends from college is from there and I loved it when I visited. It has a lot of appeal. The two major detractors would be the insane heat and the fact that it's pretty landlocked, but I don't think Austin would be a permanent move. I'd just like to live in Texas for a little while (this has nothing to do with Friday Night Lights. Okay, it has a little to do with it). I like that idea.

Crazytown

I just spent twenty minutes in a mad search of my room for a pin (as in a little vintage Owl pin I bought at a flea market on Sunday) that I literally had in my hand one minute and then had suddenly lost the next. I was trying on outfits (because, much like I did in ninth grade, I have to plan outfits the night before--well actually it's because I go right from the gym to work in the morning which means I agonize over my clothes selection for excessive amounts of time every night) and had been unappeased after like 7 different wardrobe changes, and it's already an hour past my bedtime and I was going out of my fucking head looking for this pin that I was convinced had been stolen by one of THE BORROWERS (you know those people our mothers used to tell us about when we were kids--the ones who we blame when random things go inexplicably missing) when lo and behold there it was on my floor. I mean I was losing it there for a little while. And something in my room sparked an allergy attack during all that pin-searching and now I can't see and my nose is all stuffed up.

Whatever, totally worth it because I found my pin which is totally fucking rad and will definitely contribute A LOT to my outfit tomorrow (I am putting it on my cardigan, in case you were wondering which I am SURE you were).

I think I've developed a nasty swearing habit recently.

I fucking hate sneezing.

And yes. This is how I spend my nights. In Crazytown.

OMG OMG OMG

OMG I AM SO SO SO EXCITED FOR THE HILLS SPIN-OFF, which is really just a Laguna Beach spin-off spin-off which really means it is going to be SO F-ING GOOD.

• MTV
• Music Videos
• MTV Shows
• Entertainment News

I SO LOVE WHITNEY THE MOST OF THEM ALL AND OMG IT'S NEW YORK AND FASHION AND HOLY SHIT IS THAT OLIVIA PALERMO? I THINK I DIED RACHEL ZOE STYLE AND AM IN AWFUL/AMAZING SOCIALITE-REALITY TV HELL/HEAVEN.

Shit you guys, this is essentially the Gossip Girl/The Hills crossover we've all dreamed of. Socialites meet Reality TV stars meet PERFECTION.

I just peed my pants a little with excitement. O. M. G.

Finally, what you've all been waiting for!

Well folks, I know I've been somewhat ambiguously referencing my trip to Pahrump to Nevada, and now I am going to shed a little light on that journey. Not a lot of light, because we were asked by those above us specifically not to blog about the experience (hah, me not blog? Right).

Anyway, I went to Pahrump after work Friday night with my friend Alexander, the intention of our purpose was to volunteer with the Barack Obama Campaign for Change (I think we aren't supposed to blog about it because they don't want to draw attention to the fact that Californians are headed to Nevada to volunteer, however, isn't this A common knowledge? and B entirely not surprising? When you are an Obama supporter in a blue state it's only natural that a real volunteer opportunity might only be found in the swing state next door).

Pahrump is located just on the border of California and Nevada, surrounded by the mountains and desert that comprise Death Valley. It's a desert town just an hour northwest of Las Vegas--not desert town in the sense that Shoshone "the gateway to Death Valley" is, with a grand population of 67 people, because in fact, Pahrump is anywhere from 30,000 to 40,000 people.

It was a long drive Friday night, and for the last hour and a half or so, the only thing that really kept me driving was listening to The Audacity of Hope book on tape, read by Senator Obama himself. Sure, this paints an incredible hilarious picture--two idealistic kids from California driving to Nevada to canvas for a presidential campaign, listening to that inspiring leader all the way there... but you know what? It totally worked. Not only did it help me stay awake on those desert roads, but it was both inspiring and informative. Also good to keep me level because I felt like I was driving through Mars. And at one point I saw a dog in the middle of the road in the middle of NOWHERE, which really means I saw either (1) a coyote or (2) my animal spirit god (I am hoping it was choice 2, because an animal spirit god is a much rarer find then one of those darn coyotes).

That night we stayed at one of the Casino-Hotel-RV-"Resorts" in town, which was really just an over-priced place to crash, and were up early Saturday morning to discover that Pahrump, not a very exciting place on its own, was surrounded by the most beautiful and dramatic mountains all around. It was truly spectacular. While admiring the view, we had a more difficult time admiring any breakfast opportunities, with our final stop being the one Starbucks in town, located inside the grocery store.

The campaign headquarters were a modest affair, all the other volunteers, both locals and others who had traveled various differences, were kind people from all walks of life. It was heartening and encouraging to be around so many others who also shared such a strong belief in one cause.

Canvassing is an interesting experience. It sort of requires a no-fear attitude. I mean you are knocking on doors, interrupting people at their homes. By the end of the day (a total of two canvassing shifts) we had knocked on 77 doors and spoken to something like 45 people. It was fascinating. Just about everyone was friendly, even McCain supporters, and some people really wanted to engage with us, while others expressed frustration at yet another campaign volunteer showing up on their doorstep. I realized it must be exhausting to live in a swing state right now. You are constantly being inundated with information, people, propaganda, etc. However, must of the people of Pahrump were polite and courteous and we appreciated that.

For lunch we ate delicious barbecue at Walter's BBQ & Maverick's Saloon (ahh yes, MAVERICKS!) and at one point we also stopped to get a drink of water and a coke (or as our feisty bartender called it, pop) and a separate BBQ joint. It was fun talking to our bartender, a woman who I could only describe as being full of piss and vinegar, a McCain Palin lover because she was sick of men running the country and thought "Palin was so fun" and she wanted to see a woman in power. She pointedly asked me how I felt about men running the country, and to be honest, as a woman, I am okay with it--for me it boils down to the individual. Obama is someone who could cross party lines, reach out to people everywhere, and maybe dial down some of the polarization that has overcome the country.

The most bizarre experience of the whole day was when at one house we stopped by, the very old woman who lived there asked us to please come inside where we realized we might get stuck for hours because she was so excited to show someone all her stuffed animal birds, paintings of Jesus, lampshades, flower arrangements, and countless other tchatchkies (does anyone know how to spell this? Please advise). She was simultaneously crazy, sad, and the most other-worldly being I've ever met. It was really something.

We drove home Saturday night, but not without somehow managing to encounter car trouble. We pulled over in the road leading out of Death Valley (aka Mars, home of my spirit animal god) so Alexander could take a leak and we could check out the desert at night--which is incredible and I am not sure I've ever seen so many stars in the sky. Of course, we managed to get my car completely buried in the sand, so much so that the front end was so buried in we couldn't move anywhere and Triple A had to come dig us out. Ah, adventure.

We got back to LA, finally, and after the requisite late night In-N-Out stop, around 1:30 am. I was exhausted. But it was worth it, if not to canvas for Obama, but just to go to a different part of the country, to step outside the LA bubble, and the bubble I've become accustomed to, and to talk to people and get to know a community somewhere else. It was both rewarding and insightful.

Here's hoping that on election day, those 5 electoral votes from Nevada will go blue. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, Pahrump!

One final note, apparently we were only about a half hour from Area 51 and Roswell. Shit yes, next time I am going hunting for aliens. Maybe that's what my spirit god was--AN ALIEN. No but really, I thought that crazy late night desert drive was a secret transport to another planet or something. It was extraterrestrial, that's for sure.

Crazy Lady vs. Toothless Man

I've got a pretty funny story about consecutive run-ins with a crazy lady harping on DiTonto for pulling into a handicapped parking space, and then a toothless homeless man running around with a huge Obama poster, but I am going to let her tell that story. (HINT HINT Ashleigh).

It was a nice Sunday afternoon event, you could say.

Yes, Please, Try to FIGHT ME

If you click on my previous post "I am not the same nationality as these monsters" you'll see the following comment.

First of all, who knew Al Jazeera had an Ohio affiliate?!?

Secondly, I think it is increbibly ignorant to categorize all Republicans as extreme racist, Christians. The took a microcosm of the Republican party and our exploiting the words of these blatantly prejudice people.

Let us not forget that a large portion of the Republican party is upperclass with high-level education.

By sharing this video, you are perpetuating the ignorance and bias.

Look, I was not categorizing all Republicans as extreme racist Christians. I never wrote that, I never said it, and I never even insinuated it. I am not perpetuating ignorance or bias--I am merely trying to expose it. All I said was that if I were a Republican or someone voting for McCain, I would be embarrassed--because these are the people who, like you, support that platform and it's not a group of people I would want to be associated with. Please re-read that very simple sentence.

In fact, this goes both ways, for example, as a Democrat voting for Obama I feel pretty embarrased after listening to a clip from the Howard Stern Show, during which voters in Harlem were asked why they were voting for Obama (as there is a claim that many black voters support him only because he is black), and the interviewer pretended that all of McCain's platform's were Obama's and these voters didn't know the difference. More than one talked about how they felt strongly for Obama because he was "pro-life and going to put more troops in Iraq." (Check out the clip here.) It's embarrassing.

My point with all these, is that daily I am shocked by the ignorance of so many in this country, be it black, white, or purple, Democrat, Repbulican, Libertarian. This sort of thing makes me ashamed to be an American--it's guilt by association. It's upsetting and unsettling--and I think as Americans we need to strive harder to teach those who need it. So to the "Anonymous" reader who wanted to remind me "that a large portion of the Republican party is upperclass with high-level education," why don't you spread that education to those who need it most? To your fellow Americans from all sides of the coin.

Secondly, a word to the wise (and to friends of mine who read the blog/comment) my stat counter allows me to see who is reading this and where--so while you've commented anonymously I can look at what time you posted and connect it to the time you looked at the blog(a location and IP address, which usually includes whatever business you work at). Just for the future when you choose to rant--you might want to take a little more time reading and thinking before you are the one perpetuating any misconceptions.

And finally, to quote SNL, Really? REALLY? Oh my God, are you serious? This is not the G-D New York Times people. This is the most ridiculous inconsequential blog ever, which has taken a slight political turn because we are 18 days away from the election and I can't help it, I just can't. Let me return now to the many more profound issues of sweating, Celine Dion, orthodontics, nostalgia for bad 80s television, and fickle obsessions with water coolers, cleanses, and hot tamales.

UGH. SERIOUSLY. Now I am going to pop out my Invisalign, chomp down on an apple, and just use all this as fuel to my fire when I am canvassing in Pahrump, Nevada tomorrow.

Good night and good luck.

ALSO, whatever jackass tried to advertise floss when commenting on "And now for something completely different," THANKS, I'M GOOD.

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If this is NOT under my Christmas tree December 25th I will first disown my family and then explode into a million tiny forlorn and neglected pieces

Buy it for me here.

And now for something completely different

Okay folks, time to lighten the mood a little bit before I turn this blog into all-politics all the time. Because if you haven’t guessed it by now, the reason I am going to Pahrump, Nevada this weekend is because I am volunteering with the Obama Campaign to canvas undecided voters. I am sure I’ll return with many interesting stories.

Until then, let’s switch gears to some lighter topics. Here are some things I would be happy to discuss:

(1) My fantastic new hot pink skinny leg corduroys from J. Crew that I am wearing right now. So fierce.
(2) Today is my last day to chew gum for a while because as of tomorrow morning I am wearing an Invisalign lower retainer ALL THE TIME for about the next 8 weeks. Like I said, I shall forever be plagued by orthodontia.
(3) I have the attention span of a 12-year-old.
(4) I refuse to put the license plates on my new car in hopes I will never be caught driving through yellow lights that just change to red.
(5) Friday Night Lights has ruined all other television for me because it is so far superior.
(6) Have you heard? The bird is the word.
(7) In a related note, I am sick of not enough of my friends/co-workers/people I bump into not picking up on my hilarious Family Guy references.
(8) My ability to go to the Farmer’s Market and spend no more than two dollars thanks to my finely-tuned skills at tasting and sampling but NEVER BUYING.
(9) Today my orthodontist asked me if I was a student and I love that I still appear to be a lil’ young’un.
(10) I love my job.
(11) I am so over the mid-90 temperatures in LA. Last night I spent a few minutes walking around my room in my favorite fall coat.
(12) This is where I will be staying Friday night: www.saddlewest.com. Saturday night? We're winging it. Translation: a night at a motel in Vegas, a night in Vegas sans motel, a sand dune in Death Valley, or my car. Or we'll just drive through the night back to LA. WHO KNOWS. I am just bristling with excitement.

I am not the same nationality as these monsters

If I were a Republican or even if I were voting for McCain, I would just be really embarrassed right now. This footage is appalling.

Something to Believe In

I adore this man.

WHAT is Pahrump

Here is some more info on my weekend destination. Try not to be jealous.

Mission statement (couresty the official town website):

Our mission is to balance our history as a rural community with our need to provide appropriate and sustainable services to our citizens and those who visit our community. We will do this by demonstrating honest, responsive and effective leadership and partnering, when appropriate, to augment our resources.

And more (Wikipedia and I bolded the good stuff):

History

Originally inhabited by the Shoshone, it was discovered and slowly inhabited by American settlers in the late 19th century. They reportedly chose the name for the valley which Pahrump is named after from the original indigenous name Pah-Rimpi, or "Water Rock," so named because of the abundant artesian wells in the valley. Because of these artesian wells, the new inhabitants of Pahrump Valley began a number of large ranch-style holdings, mostly over 1000 acres (4 km²) in size. On these ranches, alfalfa, cotton, and livestock were raised.

Until the 1960s, Pahrump had no telephone service and there were no paved roads in or out of the Pahrump Valley. However, as Las Vegas grew, real estate speculation became more popular in the area, which led to increased interest in Pahrump. This led to the introduction of telephone service and the construction of a paved highway, from Las Vegas to Pahrump, during the late 1960s. Later, this road was extended from Pahrump northward to US 95, near Amargosa Valley. A second paved road was introduced that went from Pahrump to neighboring Shoshone, California, which provided a link to the Death Valley area, as well as a shorter route to those wishing to travel to Los Angeles or other areas in California. In 1974, Pahrump's first high school was constructed.

Since the late 1970s, Pahrump has grown almost exponentially, increasing from about 2000 residents in 1980 to almost 25,000 in 2000. Pahrump is an archetypal example of an exurb. Almost all significant agriculture has ceased in the valley[citation needed], and the surface aquifers have been filled up over the years[citation needed]. Pahrump has also attracted a number of notable residents, including paranormal talk radio host Art Bell, and Michael Jackson, who has purchased a home in the area 2008 where he has a home studio and homeschools his three children. Notable businesses in the area include Front Sight Firearms Training Institute[citation needed] and Spring Mountain Motor Sports Ranch in addition to several legal brothels such as the Chicken Ranch and Sheri's Ranch.

Similar to many communities in Nevada, Pahrump has an unincorporated town status, with a limited government that manages land use planning, recreation, and fire, while leaving most services to Nye County.

On November 15, 2006, the Pahrump town board voted for an ordinance declaring English the official language of business, forbidding the display of foreign flags and denying any benefits to illegal aliens. A measure in the ordinance requires an American flag to be displayed above any other flag, regardless of what organization, nation or government it represents. This law was repealed on February 13, 2007, against the will of the majority of citizens in the town limits of Pahrump.

So in case you didn't get that from the last part about the flag there, THEY LOVE FREEDOM.

Me too Pahrump, me too.

Where are you spending your weekend?

I know it's only Tuesday but I just had to share that I will be spending the weekend in:

PAHRUMP, NEVADA.



I'll let that marinate.

(Details forthcoming.)

Things That Make Me Sad

OMG they are discontinuing my most favorite of all the American Girl dolls: Samantha. Why was she my favorite? Well isn't that OBV? She was so pretty with like THE BEST hair and bangs and had such precious outfits and ate things like petit-fours which meant she was obviously wealthy (unlike that faux-Swedish Kirsten chick or Molly McIntire who was really just budget World War II Samantha with glasses) and the prettiest of all the dolls and by the time I was 10 I think I owned every piece in her collection and THEREFORE SHE WAS THE BEST. Although when they came out with Felicity I was SO JEALOUS of her red hair--but that was when I was younger and before I knew that you should NEVER TRUST A GINGER.

Oh and also Samantha was awesome because in her accompanying books the real girl who they sketched to be her was like 100 times hotter than the other girls. And I would so rather grow up in the Victorian time period over those prairie days or during World War II (again, Molly was so budget). Or during the colonial period when that ginger Felicty was supposed to have lived (assuming these dolls are based on ACTUAL AMERICAN GIRLS, DUH).



Anyway, I am now going to move onto the next step of the grieving process to wonder how much money my full Samantha collection might get me on eBay. I am somewhat concerned because I know my Samantha doll has got some receding hairline issues (aka I brushed the shit out of that mop so now like half of it is gone and she looks like one of those sad girls you went to middle school with who always had really gross stringy hair and her only friend was a girl who either had a boy haircut, had braces before they were cool, or wore ugly sweaters that clearly belonged to her older brother). I am thinking that maybe because Molly really is just a budget version of Samantha I can swap the hairpiece or something like that.

On a side note I just browsed around the American Doll website for a few minutes and it seems they've really embraced diversity since the vanilla days of Samantha, Kirsten and Molly. Oh and it looks like a bunch of the girls have a friend or counterpart for their era. Not all. I am trying to construct an argument as to why some don't (racism? elitism? ageism? fascism? some other -ism i am not aware of?) but lack creativy at the moment. Also, I am pretty sure Felicity's hair used to be a lot more ginger-colored than they are suggesting. Maybe the makers of American Doll also learned you should NEVER TRUST A GINGER.

Awkward Moments

I was just absent-mindedly chewing on a chocolate vegan cookie (don't ask) and a crumb fell down my shirt. Shirt is tucked-in and in an awkward attempt to shimmy and locate fallen crumb, it would appear that my attempts are futile.

Now contemplating the mysterious disappearance of one chocolate vegan cookie crumb.

Allergy Attack

Gooooood morning. Wish it was. Wish I wasn't mid-allergy attack at the moment (in case you thought my extreme levels of nerdiness couldn't increase any further: they can), but apparently it's now fall in LA, and much like the changing of seasons back East, fall always causes me to suffer incapacitating bouts of allergies. So much so that on the way to work this morning I contemplated turning around and calling in sick. (I was also half-asleep after OD-ing on Benadryl last night).

Of course someone just told me they heard it was going to be in the 80s today, which agains reminds me that LA's "season's" are fake. And entirely NOT dependable. That's okay though.

I was saying to a friend yesterday that there are moments when I look back on a day--the people I spend it with, the weather, the things I did--and I think I absolutely could die happy here...

Will I forever be plagued by orthodontia?

I was just biting into my late afternoon snack of an apple when I felt a pop in my mouth.

Oh that's right. I have a set of permanent retainers, a small wire affixed by cement to the back of my upper and bottom teeth.

That sound? That was the sound of cement ungluing. Cement I then spit into my hand.

And now I have the indescribable but annoying sensation of a partially-attached retainer whose existence I'd forgotten altogether. Anyone know a good LA-based orthodontist? This is going to be a fun weekend with some metal sticking out in my mouth.

Wonderful.

Family Guy Friday

Have you heard?

Just In Case You Weren't Already Miserable

If you go to the Huffington Post right now, this is the image that greets you:



And yes, that's a slide show of depressed traders. Yep, 16 different disraught gentleman on trading floors all around the world.

WHAT A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE.

Now excuse me while I cry in a bathroom stall for a few minutes.

Some days I kind of wish I'd chosen Jew over Episcopalian (am I even spelling that correctly?)

You know, if at the ripe age of 14 when I decided to do all my religion shopping I had gone with Judaism, I might be enjoying a day off from work right now. Actually, I probably wouldn’t enjoy it (it’s Yom Kippur which means fasting to repent for your sins—blech), but you get what I mean. Every now and then I do wonder if rather than a late Baptism, a whole shit-ton of confirmation classes, and a big ceremony where I CONFIRMED my Episcopalian values, I might have been better off in Hollywood following the half of my lineage that’s Jewish.

When I was younger I milked being half Christian, half Jewish for all it is worth. I would persuade my mother to buy me things in mid-December claiming it was Hanukkah (note: she was the Christian one). At the time I wouldn’t have known the difference between Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Purim or Passover, despite my dad’s family being larger in number. Considering we lived in Maine, and my half-Jewishness made me a little bit of diversity, it’s not surprising I ended up taking the Christian route. And, I guess you could say I was a little more materialistic as a child. (Eight days of gift giving? Heck Yes). Thanks to a Religion minor in college, I now recognize the folly of my ignorant ways, although, seeing as I am a baptized, confirmed, and sporadically practicing member of the Episcopal Church, it’s not so kosher (a pun?) for me to dabble in multiple religions as I did when I was a little girl. (On a side note—I now realize how strange it was that I was so religion obsessed in my tween years). Thing is, I might now be pretty standard when it comes to Episcopalians, but I have plenty of Jewish guilt.

It’s funny though, because in Hollywood, there definitely appears to be a high percentage of practicing Jews. So much so that once after I first moved here someone told me to emphasize my Jewish lineage (so, not wear the silver cross my mother gave me when I turned 20?) So much so that at my previous job I would be goaded a bit for not thinking Jewish. Example:

Me, after spelling a last name incorrectly: “Hey LB (boss) I can’t find a listing for Ingall.”
LB: You’re such a WASP. Take off your WASP hat and put on your Jewish one. That’s not how you spell it.”

While it’d be nice to think bossman said this in a joking tone, sadly, not so much (if only there had been an HR...).

Ultimately, I still get the benefits of Judaism—the majority of the town is either off or having a half-day today. Halleluiah. Or something.



To all my religious friends who might read this: No offense intended. (And don't take yourselves so seriously!)

Best Time-Wasting Device Ever

Sick of seeing the same people update their Facebook status?
Annoyed by the unexpected redundancy of your Pandora playlist?
No new emails?

Never fear. I have a new internet resource for procrastination or idle time-wasting:

StumbleUpon.

It brought me to this site, Photos that Changed the World.

Fascinating. And a completely ineffective use of my time. Excellent.

Things That Kill Fairies

So the UTA list (which I believe I have referenced before as being an excellent source for job-finding in Hollywood, and if I haven't... well that's what it is), has now gone online. In blog form. And THANK GOD or else we wouldn't all get to see postings like this one:

9/24/2008
Assistant - Female Celebrity/Mogul

Successful female celebrity/entrepreneur seeks trustworthy assistant. She is very high-profile so you must always be presentably and stylishly dressed, as you will be seen in paparazzi shots behind/next to her. Have had problems with assistants with bad skin in past. Must be perfectly moisturized, small unclogged pores, no blackheads, pockmarks, Café au lait spots, eczema, rosacea. Skin tone must complement celebrity in all lighting conditions. Please email resume, recent photograph and 3 references who can attest to the flawless condition of your skin (Think dermatologist, waxer, etc.). 9/24
Labels: assistant, celebrity, dermatologist, mogul, skin

Somewhere, a fairy just died. (Clap your hands if you believe! I BELIEVE IN YOU TINKERBELL). This makes my head hurt. Welcome to Hollywood, where your dream of touting perfect skin as an ASSISTANT can finally come true.

P.S. If you didn't get that Peter Pan reference you should be ashamed of yourself.

UPDATE: Methinks this blog is a fake. Either that or commentary from an assistant on the actual UTA list... any opinions?

UPDATE #2: Definitely a fake. If I actually took the time to fully read things that I find I would have noticed immediately at the top of the blog it says "alternate version" to the actual list. How clever. Sadly, these posts are probably more realistic than their official sugarcoated counterparts.

Disclaimer: Temporary Politically Themed Blog

Hi. Yeah. So. If you haven't noticed recently my blog posts have been a bit more politically themed than usual. I'd like to just clear the air about that RIGHT NOW.

I can't help it. The political atmosphere in this country is at such a state of intense over-saturation and I am both a victim and catalyst of that. I care so much that I absolutely cannot pretend THE MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION OF MY LIFETIME doesn't exist and affect my emotional well-being every day.

Obviously, I am of the liberal-minded folk. And yes, I fully endorse Barack Obama, and yes I think SHE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED is a terrifying representation of the current state of America--how the great have fallen--and it sickens me to think that woman could be one heartbeat away from running the country. (And just so you know, I used to really like McCain and wanted him to be Kerry's running mate back in 2004. But oh how the times have changed, and oh we are in such NEED of change!) And so, I cannot be silent. I cannot.

If you are at all annoyed/offended/dissuaded by my occasional political rants, and increasing politically themed posts, I cannot apologize, but just ask that you continue to read--if not to find ample opportunity to mock me, but at the very least to humor me, and to recognize it's a good thing I care, and hopefully my fervor will die down after the election. And also hope that I haven't moved to Europe, or India, or New Zealand, which, if certain people are elected, could happen. Seriously. No really. I am totally serious.

Anyway, it's not like I am getting all HuffPo on you or trying to claim any sort of expertise (I AM GOD) so you can just brush me off as some bleeding heart like the best of 'em. And yes, okay, maybe I recently de-friended someone on Facebook because they were so overtly NASCAR -McCain/Palin lovin'-Obama/Biden hatin' (and also this dude was WEIRD in high school and haven't talked to him since) but try to give me the benefit of the doubt, okay?

And I hope you are registered to vote. Everyone should vote. We are lucky to have that privilege. I got my absentee ballot on Saturday and I had goosebumps opening it. Really. It looks so basic and simple and unimportant. But it's everything.

Vote November 4th.

That Time I Fell in Love With a Water Cooler

Saturday was a good day. I woke up. Went to a yoga class. Came home. Made some eggs. Showered. Sat down with Roomie #1 and popped in a disc of Friday Night Lights. Opened a bottle of wine. Got drunk. Four hours later (and a second bottle of wine) we went on a raid to a friend's house. Had some beers. Hung out. Shot an audition tape for our friend's friend (only in LA). Came home. Made grand plans to go out and make out with a boy (NOT THE SAME ONE, COME ON). Popped in another disc of Friday Night Lights whilst discussing said grand plans. Passed out before midnight. Woke up on the sofa around 12:30 am disoriented and feeling wine hungoveryish (just made that word up, go with it) and consumed mass quantities of fresh, delicious water.

OH YEAH.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I FORGOT TO MENTION THE BEST THING EVER ABOUT SATURDAY THAT MADE ME 100% HAPPIER AND COOLER (both in degree and social status), DESPITE THE FACT THAT THE ONLY MAJOR ACTIVITY I DID ON A SATURDAY WAS A YOGA CLASS AND RATHER THAN MAKE OUT WITH ANY BOYS, BOTH MY ROOMMATE AND MYSELF GOT WINE DRUNK, WATCHED EPIC TV AND PASSED OUT:

WE GOT A WATER COOLER.

Okay. So yes, that was an unnecessary use of capitalization (and after re-reading it was VERY confusing, apologies) but LET ME TELL YOU (here I go again), that having a water cooler AT HOME is the best thing ever. First of all, I AM SO HYDRATED I have pee to all the time and especially when I wake up in the morning and that is A VERY GOOD THING and there is nothing better than waking up in the morning and relieving your bladder. I also enjoy waking up and putting on chapstick. (I am not at all surprised there were no make-outs with boys in my recent history, are you?).

Secondly, I can have about eight cups of tea a day (OR MORE! IT'S UP TO ME!) with no hassle, thanks to the glorious water cooler. Which means I am going to be really energized, or really calm, depending on what kind of tea I choose to make, like right now--OMG I AM GOING TO BREW MY MOST FAVORITE OF THE CELESTIAL SEASONINGS VARIETY, Sleepytime. Which is also the name of one of my iTunes playlists.

And finally, WATER. IS. AWESOME.

Henceforth, thus I shall visa via decree that the water cooler has changed my life for the better.

OK, chill, I get that this may perhaps, in theory, be wonderful but probably is doing something terrible for the environment or the economy (or probably both, because let's face it: everything today is totally fucking over BOTH the environment and the economy) but goddamnit I make like NO money and work pretty hard (okay, I work moderately hard) and just want some delicious cold water at my leisure and YES it's home delivery which further supports my theory that people in LA are excessively lazy and now that I have lived here for a year (OMG A YEAR!) I have become the very thing I so often mock (an Angeleno? HELL NO. NEVER. Maybe a little). BUT ALLOW ME MY LOVE AFFAIR WITH OUR WATER COOLER.

I'll let that tirade marinate. And now I am going to watch an episode of The Hills whilst I enjoy some fresh tea (thank you water cooler, love of my life) and cry while I watch Lauren Conrad make massive quantities of money for doing NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL.

P.S. Obama 2008

No drugs were used in the creation of this blog post. Only water. But apparently you CAN get drunk on water. Someone told me that once.

Waxing Cheese

Mmm cheese... I am taking a moment this Monday to eat a savory snack of Babybel cheese, my new preference to string cheese (my former prefence to whatever cheese I previously devoured as a snack food). Not only is Babybel simply delicious, but I feel like I am in a chalet in Switzerland with every bite. That, and I am also returned to the days of my youth when the red wax that encased the cheese was pretty much the coolest thing since sliced bread.



Seriously. Does anyone else remember the cheese wax being a hot commodity during lunch time? I definitely do. And I was always pretty jealous of those of my friends who had a surplus of cheese wax. They got to do cool stuff with the wax, like make it into shapes. And stuff. Yeah. Cool.

Okay I'll get back to whatever I was doing before I took an odd trip down memory lane to the cheese wax place...

Family Guy Friday

It's ruiiiined.

The Reason I Slept on the Sofa Last Night

Somehow I ended up with the bedroom in our apartment that is a solid 10-15 degrees hotter than the other rooms. So when it's already in the 90s outside, you can find me curled up on the couch. (Still sweating, obv).

Reminds me of that week junior year of college I slept on a yoga mat on my bedroom floor. But I think that was because I just couldn't fall asleep in my bed for a week or something. Much less logical. Clearly.

If I were a Palin...

...my name would be Spoon Archer. Yes, Spoon. Thanks to the Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator anyone (yes anyone) can get a little taste at what it might be like to be one of 22 children hunting moose in Alaska.

Thank God I am not.

Who's excited for the debate tonight? I am, of course. I am hoping the interwebs will soon provide me with the perfect Palin-Biden-Debate Drinking Game. Bonus points for uncomfortable silences, Biden saying something really crazy, and Palin using the word "abort" when talking about the economy.

TV You Absolutely Must Be Watching

Friday Night Lights. I haven't talked about it in a while, but all I am going to say is that this ranks as one of the top 5 best shows on television right now, and you would be doing yourself a favor to watch. Seriously. Here's the hitch--you need DirecTV. Fortunately, I have two roommies as die-hard about this show as I am, and back in late August we switched over from Time Warner to DirecTV, only for the abilitly to watch FNL when it premieres.

It premieres tonight.

I am so excited I can hardly wait. Seriously, people--this one can't be missed and if you sign up for DirecTV RIGHT NOW... well it won't be there by the time you get home but you can get next-day installation. So you will be good to go by next Wednesday. Bonus: the shows are being broadcast commerical-free. HECK YES.

Sure, sure, all you non-satellite users can wait until January and catch FNL when it premieres on NBC (actually you probably should--we need to get it some high ratings so it doesn't get cancelled! Come on people!) but you will be missing out on the GREATEST TV SHOW EVER.

Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose.
(You'd only understand if you watch).