The 80s are back. No, for real.

Front page of The Huffington Post this morning:



My first thought? AWESOME. Then I realized this wasn't a big rally of excitement for the return of neon, spandex, and Ray Bans (which apparently have already returned thanks to all those asshat hipsters), but in fact the return of a Regan-like era chock full of economic downturns every which way. And apparently E.T. and David Hasselhoff.

WAIT A MINUTE. HuffPo is so hilariously misleading. The actual article this headline links to is isn't about a sudden 80s time warp, just more of the same blah blah blah we're totally fucked blah blah blah. They just wanted an excuse to put up a photo of pre-nose job, pre-crazy Michael Jackson. NICE TRY HUFFPO.

I'm going to go envision an articel that is REALLY about the BADASS 1980s, not this shitstorm financial crisis.

Possible new job?

Checkout this Craigslist posting:

Wanted: Human Sounding Board

Don't worry, I don't expect you to look like a cello. And the only things I'll bounce off you are my thoughts, doubts, and feelings re my current career and life. Then, like a true Stradivarius sounding board , you will reflect my "tune" back station to me in a clear, true, way which will enable me to more clearly see what I'm really saying.

The qualifications for the job are simple:You understand the preceding paragraph. And can tell me why you do.

If you get all of this, you will probably be highly successful at what you do and expect to be fairly compensated. You will be. Thoughtful and clear replies welcome. Therapists, life and career coaches (certified or not), hypnotists, Law of Attraction experts, MDs,PhDs, Ivy League grads,and cellos need not apply.

First of all. I fit the bill. I mean I may not be a practicing therapist per se, but (and excuse the self-call) I like to think I am an excellent sounding board for both colleagues and friends--and I totally GET what this person is looking for (I often go to my close friends for such things)therefore I might be the perfect candidate for this fascinating position. I wonder what it pays...

On second thought, maybe this life coach seeker is looking for the wrong thing--aren't friends sounding boards? Mine can be. And family members too... And if you want someone removed from the situation then go see a shrink! Now I find this posting HIGHLY suspect. But I still want to know what the compensation is...

Does it mean that I love freedom if I am borderline obsessed with the President?

This article just fuels the obsession. I mean President Obama is just plain, old fashioned COOL. I am fascintated by his habits/interests. I'm going to start telling people they're pretty Aloha Zen. Maybe I'll begin drinking Honest Tea.

Send this to your grandmother

Oh my God. Get some kleenex. Send this to your grandmother. Hug the smelly kid who sits in the cubicle next to yours.



If they can be friends, ANYONE CAN.

Ode to Mickey Fine

For those of you who don't reside in the LA area, let me tell you about a lovely place called Mickey Fine. Mickey Fine is a "pharmacy" or "drug store." I like to think of it as a place where dreams come true.

Earlier today I was craving some sort of delicious cheese item so I popped downstairs to Mickey Fine. Unfortuantely their best offer was Hot & Spicy Cheez-Its but that was okay because just a walk into the neighboring building and I was at the mothership of Mickey Fines, where I had a vast selection of cheese items to choose from.

But when you stop into a Mickey Fine you can't just buy one thing. Certainly not. I mean there are just so many things to explore!

For example, today's outing produced the following items:

1 package of Cheddar Goldfish
1 can Canada Dry Ginger Ale
1 packet pistachios
1 can Santa Cruz Organic Lemonade
1 bottle Perrier
2 Andes mints
1 Lindt Truffle

(I know what you are thinking and yes, due to so many liquids it is likely I will have to pee every twenty minutes).

Just the other day I bought deodorant and hot tamales.

And one day I bought a hair clip.

And another day I bought Zicam, Burt's Bees Honey Chapstick, and a bottle of Smart Water.

Also available are magazines, note cards, office supplies, stuffed animals of various sizes and species, hair accessories, sandwhiches, diet drinks, gum, postage stamps, etc.

Okay I had a lot more I wanted to say about Mickey Fine but I have to go pee already.

Mario, Meet Obama

http://superobamaworld.com/

I HAVE SO MUCH EXCITEMENT THAT RESULTS IN THE SENSATION OF NEEDING TO PEE WHEN I THINK ABOUT THIS MOVIE

I LOVE PLANET EARTH. The TV Show, the actual planet, ALL OF IT. I love learning too. OH MY GOODNESS I AM SO EXCITED RIGHT NOW FOR THE LEARNING AND THE PLANET AND THE ANIMALS.

Why this sudden desire to (over)share? BECAUSE OF DISNEY NATURE and for EARTH DAY 2009 and for the movie EARTH.

Yes, I KNOW I have posted about this before, and even the trailer. But seriously, watching it again and with the totally fucking badass voice of James Earl Jones and the symphonies of Sigur Ros and the whole shebang, I just get that total nervous pee feeling where I cannot WAIT for this movie.

And I have decided I should work at Disney Nature. DOES ANYONE KNOW ANYONE WHO CAN GET ME A JOB THERE?

Clothing and Comfort and New Careers (maybe?)

Today I decided I need to step up my game in the outfit department. Recently I've been going REAL casual to work--pushing the limits with gladiator sandals, athletic t-shirts, etc. And I've been wearing a lot of brightly colored corodrouys (J. Crew, obv). So today I decided I was going to put a dress back on and some tights and I put on my new Marc Jacobs pumps that are so 80s and amazing and have Debbie Harry written all over them. Thing is though--when I get all dressed up I sort of realize that it's really not what I am meant to be wearing. I think I've spent the majority of the morning adjusting my dress, tights, and struggling to NOT fall over in 4 inch heels.

On Sunday I was walking around with two friends who were both in lovely girly outfits... well not even all that girly, but generally what normal females in their 20s might wear. I on the other hand was bopping around the posh shops on Montana in my tennis/workout/80s gear: sneakers, green gym shorts, turquoise thrift store sharks-wearing-sunglasses-tee, popped collar polo shirt over that, US Open baseball cap, Oakley Frogskin shades. Thing is, I might have looked really out of place (especially when we decided to hit up a bar around 3 pm) but I was in my ideal state of comfort. If I could wear workout clothes every day I would be a happy camper.

Maybe I should look into a career as a Phys Ed teacher? Discuss.

KANYE AND I ARE KIND OF SIMILAR

I've been meaning to write about how BADASS Kanye West is. Not only do I love his sick jams but his blog is FANTASTIC. Mostly because he writes in ALL CAPS, which I LOVE to do but also because it is all over the place. See the below video.


A message from kwest on Vimeo.

INCREDIBLE. Dude is BANANAS!

This should be upsetting but I find it hilarious.

I forgot to wear deodorant today. And that's awkward. Because I smell a little bit. In my armpits. It's not BAD or anything and I don't think I'd really offend other people or anything, but you know, for my own sanity...

So I was thinking I would go by some deodorant at the drug store downstairs.

So then I checked my bank account.

And then I discovered I have $6.63 in my bank account.

And then I laughed for a while.

And then I realized I might not be able to afford deodorant.

My current Gmail status

"just discovered her dad is out of the country NOT because he TOLD her like a normal father but because when she called his cell phone and it had a funny ring and then he answered in SPANISH and then she said ARE YOU IN SPAIN? GEE THANKS for the HEADS UP POPS."

SERIOUSLY DAD.

A few minutes ago I decided to call him because it had been quite some time and then the ring sounds sort of funny, you know that European monotone beep thingy, and then he answers and I hear Spanish in the background and I just scream out (keep in mind this is happening while I am sitting at my cubicle and I don't think I am supposed to be making personal calls at work) and sure enough, Pops is abroad.

WTF, Seriously?

Around 7:45 pm Friday night I was chilling with the roomies, watching Dirty Dancing or Bridget Jones or some chick flick type thing on Oxygen (YES, OXYGEN. Or maybe it was Encore LOVE) when all of a sudden our apartment started to shake... EARTHQUAKE.

Again, I lost all capacity to function normally and screamed out, "What do we do?" while both Ashleigh and Annie both handled themselves a lot better and seemed to look at me with newfound shock. You see, the earthquake ended about 10 seconds after it began and we hadn't moved from the sofa (although Annie held onto the precious TV) and it was just fine. Except of course, the thoughts running through my head were "OH MY GOD THIS IS IT THIS IS BIG ONE" "AT LEAST I AM DYING WITH MY CLOSEST FRIENDS." And then afterwards I thought "I need to get a grip."

I am so NOT down with earthquakes. AT ALL. That ramps up my California exit strategy...

awkward

just re-read the below post.

Apologies.

in other news--i am drinking some DELICIOUS orange juice au moment.

blarg

I have to pee so bad right now. This is partially due to 1 water + 1 diet coca cola but ALSO because I AM NERVOUS because I have this hospital bill that might go into colleciton and NO ONE AT MY G-D INSURANCE COMPANY IS ANSWERING MY CALLS and the women who WAS my adjuster sent me this CHEAP email today about how she is leaving the company and it was kind of like F-U I AIN'T DEALING WITH THIS NO MORE.

And I sort of don't want to leave my desk even though the bathroom is so close/so far.

Musings on a Friday Morning

Skiing may be off tomorrow, but we'll substitute it with some tennis? The weather here is a bit frustrating--it's raining here but apparently there's nothing happening in the mountains, not even snow-making. I'm not going to go blow some money on a pointless ski day. Ugh I wish Mammoth were closer to LA.

I am suddenly really interested in the show Bones. I always hear good things about it, and the few clips I've watched (including, embarassingly, some YouTube compilations highlighting the romantic tension between the two main leads) make it seem like my kind of show. But honestly, who has time to pick up a new show and catch up, especially four seasons in? Especially when that person has big plans to do lots of important and life-changing writing.

The freak summer weather is gone and it's winter again with gray skies, spurts of rain showers and temperatures in the.... 60s. Okay, still not REAL winter here, but colder than it has been. Maybe that's better, as I've been behaving like I'm on summer vacation since I got back to LA after the holidays.

I have a whole bunch of new life plans. It started after yet another existential crisis, but now these plans seem to be just the trick... essentially I would leave LA in late Fall (another cross country road trip, but this time I am bloggin it!) be home for the holidays and take off for my next destination Winter 2010. And what is this new future home away from home? At the moment I am hoping to move somewhere in Europe, preferably London, Geneva or Paris. If I can't get a job that appeals, I am considering taking a year, packing a backpack with a few belongings, getting a nice camera, and moving to Costa Rica (or somewhere else in Central or South America) where I am going to live, write, observe, and adventure. I'm also considering the Peace Corps... anyone have any suggestions/leads?

Are you interested in bible prophecy?

Stop whatever you are doing and go to http://jawwiredshut.logspot.com/.

Take a moment.


Come back.


INCREDIBLE.

How did this happen? Well in my usual attempt at self-promotion I was directing a new friend, J.Le (that's pronounced JAY LAY... don't ask) to Jaw Wired Shut (which, btw, seems to be malfunctioning on the simple WORLD WIDE WEB URL--http://www.jawwiredshut.com/--thingy domain whozeewhatsee I purchased last year, so if anyone can offer up any suggestions that would be much appreciated--just think of all the suckers with my business cards!) and somehow she found this "logspot" place that appears to be the MEGA site of Bible studies.

This suspicious site claims:

(1) On this page an INCREDIBLE TESTIMONY of a former doubter of the bible.
(2) “PROOF” THE BIBLE IS TRUE + What the future holds
(3) GOD’S PLAN OF SALVATION & bible reading guidelines.
(4) PERSECUTIONS AND PROBLEMS a born-again Christian can expect.

WOAH.


Some thoughts:
I am glad it is the MEGA site. Because big, large, grand or amazing would not do.
I AM THRILLED TO READ SOME INCREDIBLE TESTIMONY.
I enjoy the use of sporadic ALL CAPS. LIKE ME!
I happen to be a religion minor. Coincidence?
In a (strange?) twist, I am of Christian orientation. Mayhaps this is God's way of being like "hey, Stamos, keep up the good work" or "F-U Stamos I'm using your low-trafficked site to get some more people interested in the Bible. And ME."
The above point might be considered blasphemous.
I don't really care much about blasphemy.
I would enjoy talking about heresy because I think that's a more exciting adjective to label someone with: HERETICS.
I am very full from lunch.
I'm tired.
Diet Coke is refreshing in the afternoon.
I need to find a new deodorant.

SoCal's Finest Ski Resorts?

Adam and I faced a big debacle when skiing at Big Bear last year (debacle = traffic nightmare/overheating) so this Saturday we are trying something new: Mountain High. Which is the shittiest name for a mountain resort, I think, but whatever.

Why this resort? Well, they have a flex pass where you can buy a 4 hour ticket--for any block, of four hours. Which works with our plans to get there sometime after 8 am and go straight with no breaks. Hard core. Even better is that it claims to be just 90 minutes from LA. Which means we can ski in the morning and surf in the afternoon. Now that is crazy.

Sadly, as you can see from this trail map, Mountain High has little to offer. Whatever, just getting onto some ski slopes is good enough for me.

Amazing/Hilarious

The Curious Case of Forrest Gump - watch more funny videos

Why Today is Awesome

1.) Obama is President all day. First day too.

2.) LOST is back on tonight. And per the Sawyer nickname generator my nickname is:







Yes, you read that correctly: Rerun.

I like how it has a heart doodle from Sawyer. Look how dreamy he is. Aww. Maybe he is my future husband.

My Future Husband

Maybe when he's not writing speeches for our new president, we can date. And if he reads the below post, he'll know exactly how he should propose (at least a year or two after we've been dating, of course).

Perfect.

The Circle of Life - or in this case, Planet Earth

Sunday began with Planet Earth and ended with Planet Earth. I am of course referring to my favorite BBC/Discovery television program that I watch compulsively when I have nothing better to do, but let me back track for a moment.

It was another magical LA weekend. More magical than most, thanks again to perfect weather conditions--I mean, I even went swimming in the ocean on Saturday. Yes, on January 17 I went swimming. It was lovely. There are a few noteworthy moments to recap but I need to really focus this piece on what I might consider the most epic of Sunday Fundays I've ever known.

Sunday morning we ladies of 225 Montana woke up a wee bit hungover, and gravitated to our living room to watch my favorite episode of Planet Earth, "Fresh Water". (GIANT SALAMANDERS!) While watching all the fishies and interesting water creatures it hit me--I want to go to the AQUARIUM! But first, does LA even have an aquarium? WELL FOLKS, it does. The Aquarium of the Pacific is located just south of LA, in Long Beach. All we needed were some willing companions to join our fish tale.

In the end, it was DiTonto, Adam, and myself headed south listening to the road trip-ready tunes of Manu Chao, arriving in the very Disney-like Long Beach harbor sometime around 2 pm. We just missed a Whale Watching tour, which was a bummer because who doesn't love whales or the prospect of WATCHING them IN REAL LIFE. And it was in the 80s outside, so we thought a boat ride would be a lovely way to spend the afternoon before we logged some hours with some fishies. But we figured it just wasn't meant to be and seeing as the aquarium was the main attraction, let's get on with it.

Fun fact: They serve beer in aquariums. (I bet you can guess how this day ended up).

The aquarium was AWESOME. First of all, as I have mentioned before, I love aquariums--truly, I do. If a guy were ever to propose to me, I think an aquarium would be a lovely place to do so. (So just tell my future-fiance to read this before proposing marriage). This aquarium had some lovely features, like the tanks where you could touch sharks and skates and sting rays, but to do so there was a strict TWO-FINGER rule, which conveniently provided us a lot of inappropriate opportunities for many "that's what she said" jokes. Obviously, we're not very child-friendly. I think a few parents were shooting us dirty looks, what with the beer and the swearing and the juvenile behavior.



Another highlight of the aquarium (AND I BET YOU THOUGHT IT COULDN'T GET ANY BETTER!) was the 3D movie MONSTERS OF THE ABYSS where upon we journeyed to the deep unknown trenches of the ocean to observe some very unusual fishies (HEY DID YOU SEE THAT GIANT SQUID!). I was a little disappointed we only bought one 3D movie pass and not the combo ticket but WHAT CAN YOU DO.

We are total suckers because we bought two copies of a hilarious photo of us entering the aquarium, one in which they (they = aquarium people) digitally inserted FISHIES! As in we are HOLDING THEM! I am jealous of DiTonto though because she's holding a Nemo-lookalike and I am just holding onto some crappy starfish (side note: when I sea kayaked the coast of Maine one summer I put a giant starfish onto my face because I wanted to prove to everyone I was both hilarious AND a daredevil, so a fake starfish is SMALL POTATOES for me). Adam was pleased because he was holding a turtle and we had all discussed earlier in the day that we think turtles would make lovely pets and I would like to get two and name them Manu and Chao or maybe just one and call him Consuelo.

ANYWAY we had BIG PLANS to end the evening at THE OLIVE GARDEN (classy!) but as we were aimlessly wandering around the harbor an odd looking young lad in a giant sombrero approached us and asked if we'd like to join him and his friends on a sunset cruise?

WOULD WE? WE SURE WOULD!

About five minutes later this young lad, Sailor Taylor, had fallen in love with DiTonto and was calling her his future ex-wife. All aboard Captain John's boat, and fortunately they'd recruited some other normal women so in all there was the three of us, the two other ladies, Captain John, Sailor Taylor, Darryl, some dude wearing an NRA hat (he loved freedom but was SCARY) and George, a Native American dude who was on something, but had a biting sense of humor.

We left the harbor as the sun had already gone down so it turned into more of a nighttime cruise. By nighttime cruise I mean drunken boat party that was probably dangerous. BUT AMAZING. Disco ball, tiki torches, Christmas lights, and great jams.

And what do you know, but much like a minister or any Justice of the Peace, both Sailor Taylor and Captain John, being legal boat captains, can marry people. Well as we were dancing to Manu Chao (because I obv took over as DJ) we decided how perfect! DiTonto and Sailor Taylor (who may or may not actually be her soulmate) should get married. And then Captain John, with two bottles of booze tucked into his swim trunks, and a sword in his hand (I was confused if it was a wedding or if someone was being knighted) and the wedding party consisting of Adam and I as maids of honor and the two other chicks as bridesmaids, and to the sweet tunes of the Talking Heads, watched as Ashleigh and Taylor were married.

Adam and I were concerned. Mostly for our safety, especially because at one point no one was steering the boat, and we wondered and if we were going to make it back to the harbor, but also because was this a real wedding? Well she didn't sign anything so the answer is NO... we think....

Anyway, then Taylor married Captain John and one of the other chicks and then it was happiness and jubilee, a quick sail-by of the Queen Mary, some photos on the bow, some waves, the NRA dude passed out, we switched to reggae, and then we were back in the marina.

THEN, I went for a nice kayak around the marina with Captain John and the other chicks and returned about a half hour later to learn that not only had Adam and DiTonto been given a tour of one of Darryl's big pimpin' boats, but that Taylor had invited her to dinner with his parents, aunt and uncle and grandparents.

No, none of this is a lie or exaggeration, I PROMISE.

Why the family gathering? Well, Taylor had turned 25 the night before and it was pre-planned, but now the lucky guy got to introduce his family to his new wife.

So Adam and I went for dinner (dinner = drinks) at a different restaurant and then met up with the newlyweds for... THE RECEPTION! At a karaoke bar. And I, former DJ, now wedding singer, serenaded them with some classics like "La Isla Bonita" by Madonna, as well as Billy Joel's "Only the Good Die Young."

And then, after we realized this karaoke bar was also some sort of mafia hang out and we were way in over our heads, we slipped away (but not before Taylor's mom, DiTonto's mother-in-law, invited both she and I for Christmas!) and Adam safely drove us back to Santa Monica, with a quick stop at one of our favorite bars in Venice, then back home, where we decided to end our day with...

Planet Earth. "Shallow Seas"--another good episode.

Orinthophobia

Damn you, you suicidal goose who decided to veer off into the fiery warm right engine of a US Airways jet. Thanks to your kamikaze tendencies, I now have an irrational fear of birds--known in the science circles as ORINTHOPHOBIA. You know I used to love birds. Yeah, I did. When I lived on that farm for 6 months I took orinthology IN FACT. (We actually called just called it BIRDS.) By the end I was able to identify a whole crapload of birds by their calls and plumage. I also became quite skilled in imitating bird calls. (If I knew how to record myself doing some and if I knew how to post it here then I would. Lucky for you, I DON'T.) Anyway, I am going to begin tracking bird migration patterns before any flights.

You know I do love how every news station is going to town with the IRONY of the story, for example, when I was watching CNN last night they were just MARVELING! "How ironic that the very thing upon which an airplane is modeled ultimately resulted in its downfall!" OH SWEET IRONY!

No, Seriously.

This is the best G-D article about why you should watch Friday Night Lights, at least of the ones I've seen recently. So, for the love of all that is holy, read this perfectly written article, and treat yourself to a true art form by watching FNL. You'll thank me.

Friday Night Lights Returns With New Hope

The Tennis Chronicles

So Monday night was another Tennis lesson. This time Adam and I were separated almost 5 minutes into class because we were talking during lessons, and having way too much exclusive fun and I think Instructor Russ--who may or may not be attractive, (and may or may not be married) knows we are just superior players to the other three dudes in the class--hence separation.

Additionally, I learned that tennis has a LOT of innuendo. It's funny at first but then you don't want to hear Instructor Russ talking about his "assload of balls" or how the "coach balls are the best because they are harder" or "whacking balls with a stick." I MEAN REALLY.

And we were once again reminded that Beverly Hills Tennis only cares about Jews because Martin Luther King Day is not a holiday in their opinion. Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me.

Balls.

Still Incapable of Getting My Act Together

Last night I had a panic attack about longstanding hospital bills from July (car accident-related) that I thought my insurance company had handled but hadn't and before falling asleep last night I could remember if it was two digits and then two zeros, or three zeros. Essentially the difference between a paycheck and my year's salary. Panic attack ensued.

Thank Sweet Baby Jesus because it is just two zeros. Totally do-able. And I am going get right ON TOP OF IT. Well not right now. Later today. I have a delicious fruit salad to enjoy first.

LA Story

So I am finishing up the final training sessions with my trainer over the next month. Going to attempt to do it own my own (maybe pilates classes? more yoga? more running?) for a bit after that. However, until then, it's still early morning workouts for me. This morning, however I was SO not into it. I showed up at the gym, my eyes half open, unable to discern left from right, much less remember my own name. At one point I just turned to my trainer and asked, "do you just want to go for a run?" It turned out to be the best idea ever and we went for a 50 minute run on the beach, past the Santa Monica Pier and well into Venice. It was beautiful. So what it comes down to I think, is that I am really just paying someone else for the commitment to get up a little earlier in the morning. Totally worth it though. Especially on a clear Southern California day, because just after sunrise the beach is stunning.

I can't deny that the weather here makes for a fabulous lifestyle. Even though I am amidst another serious work-related existential crisis (WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE!?!) thank God for the beautiful weather and scenery--it helps to provide a perfect peace of mind.

Apologies

Posting this week is going to be VERY light. Work is crazy.

Single tear.

Sequins Everywhere

Ashleigh and I both turned 25 over the holidays, and to make up for missing birthday celebrations we threw a joint party Saturday night at a lovely dive bar in our neighborhood. The party theme was FLARE (which was open to interpretation—we suggested mustaches, sequins, the suspenders of a TGIFridays waitress), and was really just an excuse for us to wear some hideous sequined tops we recently picked up at the Fairfax Flea Market. In the end, a group of about 6 of us looked like we’d just walked off the set of our Las Vegas revue, or maybe we were the supporting cast of Dynasty. It was incredible. This also translated to a trail of sequins where ever we went, to our friends’ cars, the bar itself, our apartment, and even this morning, two days later, I again found sequins in my bed. It’s awesome.

Ultimately, not everyone got the flare memo, but at peak time we maybe had about 50 people there which was so fun. Bonus was being able to play our on iPods which meant Ditonto and I fought over songs all night. A highlight was a little roommate dance where the three of us just hugged each other and jumped up and down and a nearby bystander remarked “Wow, they really love each other don’t they?” Best roommates ever. Thank God too, because our fratastic apartment became even more so with some competitive video game playing during the hung over hours of Sunday morning, when I also forced friends to watch me play Paper Mario, at which point I sufficiently embarrassed myself.

It was freakishly warm this weekend—which led to general confusion over what time of year it is. I kept making references to how happy I was it was summer and let’s all go in on a beach rental together. Oh yeah, it’s JANUARY. Which was clear when we were in Malibu enjoying the beautiful day and the sun started to set around 4:30 pm. Nothing like a sunset dinner at Taco Bell to really cap off the perfect LA weekend.

So even though I remain nostalgic for the east coast, at the moment, I am perfectly enamored with LA, and wouldn’t have it any other way.

Starting off on the right foot?

This morning I got down to the parking garage and realized I didn't have my car keys. So I went back up to my apartment, when I realized I also didn't have my apartment keys. You guessed it--I keep all my keys on one key chain, and they were all inside my lovely abode.

Because DiTonto didn't answer her phone and Annie's had been "misplaced" Saturday night, my only option was breaking in. Upon which, I learned the following:

1. It is very easy to break into our apartment.
2. In daylight, our apartment is much more disgusting than I realized.

By Popular Demand

I had a request to show my BADASS cowboy boots. Here they are:



Beautiful, aren't they? And oh-so comfy.

See, if you write comments and request I post something, I WILL! It also helps my creative flow. So comment away, loyal readers!

Fuck IT

I am currently wearing stunna shades AND listening to Manu Chao while I work. Music = mood enhancers.

Friday, at long last.

And finally, the first full work week of 2009 comes to end, and all I can say is, THANK GOD.

This has felt like an exceptionally long week, and I can’t tell if it’s because I seem to battling renewed existential crises, or because of the effort it takes settling back into a routine, or if in the New Year, the strange economic waves of change have finally reached us here in LA.

I think I started the week full of energy, positive outlook, enthusiasm, and at the moment am feeling frustrated and brain dead. Hence the sudden drop off in clever posts (if you haven’t noticed). All I can say is that I am wearing an outfit that is the work equivalent to sweatpants, but able to get away with it (think lycra), and that just feels fantastic. And I am wearing my cowboy boots today. So if anything goes awry, I’ve got a solid pair of shit kickers. Not that I plan on beating anyone up or anything, but on the MEAN STREETS of LOS ANGELES you never know.

Lunch

What am I having for lunch today?

You guessed it: soup.

Oh but this isn’t just any old soup, nope, today it’s Cup O’ Noodles.

Thank you, economy!

Yes

Entertainment Weekly is offering the BEST ADVICE EVER.

Please follow up on that.

These Resolutions Are NOT Going Well

Remember my New Years resolutions? I mean you should, they were only two posts ago... well anyway, I am really struggling with the whole GETTING MY ACT TOGETHER goal. Since Monday, the following things have been said to me:

Boss: You are weird.
Co-worker: You are a boy
Friend: You are a trainwreck.

Hmm.

Some Things I Like To Do To Annoy People

Send emails regarding job postings, when you vaguely know recipient of resumes, because said recipient works with roommate. See below.

Dear Sir or Madam (I think the name Scott refers to Madam, but as English is only my first language—I also speak French, per my "Extra Capabilities" section in attached resume—one can't be too sure, which is why I shall say you are one OR the other),

Per your posting on the UTA Job list (which is looking rather meagre of late—a fact I find depressing yet indicative of our flailing economy. I am an avid watcher of economic doings. And yes I often use the British spelling for words such as meagre, favour, and colour as I am a descendant of one of the wives of Henry VIII and can't help it. I don't know which wife, but I am thinking it is unlikely that it was one of the gentlewomen who was beheaded) I see that you have need of an intern at your company, The Learning Channel. As I am a fan of both LEARNING and CHANNELS I feel that I might be an excellent candidate for this position.

Additional reasons I am a choice applicant for this job? While I might not be in college, or able to receive credit, as is required per said job posting, I did receive a 3.5 GPA in college, and a 4.0 GPA in high school. I know what you are thinking, and yes, I peaked in high school. Furthermore, I may not have an interest in a career in reality television, but I do watch THE HILLS as well as HILLS spin-off, THE CITY (as well as faux spin-off BROMANCE, but don't tell anyone. That can be our secret!) and if that is the sort of reality TV you are hoping people will LEARN about, well then I would like to give your company some TLC. (Tender Loving and Care).

The dates of the internship are truly ideal, as on April 17th I depart for a three day hippie music festival known as Coachella, where some people do drugs and drink moonshine and dance with animal spirits. I said some people.

For a reference, I would like to impose upon my roommate Ms. Ashleigh DiTonto (I KNOW! SHE REALLY DOES SPELL HER NAME LIKE THAT!) who I think could provide a glowing review, not of my failure to watch reality TV, but success at mocking it (for proof, I ask that she provide the multiple emails I send her regarding TLC press releases, for example, I sent one just yesterday regarding NASCAR WIVES, which apparently has really hit a chord with a certain audience, but I am guessing it is an audience that also loves freedom).

This reminds me: I hate freedom, and although you are called THE LEARNING CHANNEL and appear to be owned by another network known as DISCOVERY, I hope that you too are a bunch of Freedom Haters. If this is the case, then as I previously mentioned, I would make an excellent candidate.

And now I would like to share with you my "Extra Capabilities" because when I wrote earlier that there was an attached resume, I was not speaking the whole truth, only some of it (hint: there is no attached resume but I have several extra capabilities, lucky for you!).

Extra Capabilities: Previous fluency in French (now equivalent to "highly proficient"), well-read in both tabloids and serious news magazines, lover of Boston sports teams with little statistical knowledge to support aggressive enthusiasm, well-versed in Lord of the Rings jargon, Microsoft Office Suite, field hockey, painting my OWN fingernails (BOTH HANDS!), can quote lengthy portions of both STAR WARS and OLD SCHOOL, wrote senior thesis on "Turkey and the European Union: Re-defining a new European identity since the Schengen Agreement and the Turkish bid for acceptance within a new Europe," blogger, highly proficient at procrastination, keeper of secrets, Level 10 in Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door after just 17 hours of play time!

I feel certain that I would be an excellent addition to your Learning team and look forward to what I assume will be a timely and positive response.

Warmly,
Annie Stamell
Roommate of Ashleigh DiTonto,
whose contact information you surely have on file

So my Christmas cards just came...

Thing is, I ordered them on December 16th and Snapfish royally screwed it up. At least I got a refund. So for all those reading who usually get a Stamell Christmas card (this is a highly SELECT group of individuals), don't worry, it'll be en route soon. Better late, than never, right? Right?

Your First Twilight-related post of 2009

Don’t worry, I still love Twilight (I bet you were really worried). I must admit my zeal has faded, as other things begin to occupy my attention span, but it’s going to be a long-standing love affair, of that I am sure.

The night of the eve of my birthday I was outwith my dad and step-mom and one of my best friends in New York, enjoying a lovely dinner at my favorite NYC joint for steak au poivre, when my dad decided it was the perfect time to give me some presents. He handed me a small, flat purple bag and said,

“This is your big present.”

Which was obviously a joke because he’s very easy to read, especially when he’s pleased with himself and his stupid jokes (I do the exact same thing, FYI).

I started to rip into the paper and caught about two words I recognized, stopped opening and said,

“Gross.”

My friend, who was sitting next to me but had not seen the contents of my “big” birthday present then said,

“It’s Twilight related, isn’t it?”

Yep. It was. It was a Twilight bookmark, with the poster shot on one side and the other side had a movie quote, which is what I recognized.

So I decided that rather than use it as a bookmark, which I am likely to lose, why not turn it into a lovely cubicle decoration.

Et Voilà:

Tennis is AWESOME

Last night I started my tennis lessons. They were AWESOME. Even better is taking them with a friend you've known since kindergarten. A highlight: (besides kicking ass, making the instructor laugh so hard at our insane competitiveness he lost track of the score, and beating the other players) would be the following exchange.

Adam: "If we need to miss a day can we make it up another class?"
Pro-shop Dude: "No."
Adam: "What about holidays, do you recognize Martin Luther King Day?"
Dude: "The only holidays we recognize are the Jewish ones."
Adam & Myself: Rude laughter, then sudden realization dude is not kidding.

Oh LA.

New Years Resolutions

Have you been worrying that you might not get to hear what my New Year’s resolutions were? Well stop worrying because I am about to ROCK YOUR WORLD.



Actually, I am not, but I am going to enlighten you with my goals for 2009. Get ready for enlightenment:

1. Complete a body of work by year’s end. This can be an essay, a pilot, a screenplay, a book—something other than the blog, and something I might be interested in getting other people to read, so that maybe it will be published/sold/made/mocked/ridiculed/stolen/destroyed/applauded as genius.
2. Drink less alcohol. This is a little vague I realize, so I am thinking I might change this to one night a week. But then I wonder is that feasible? No I can handle that. Yeah. Drink less.
3. Get my shit together. This I have already failed miserably, both in my New Year’s Day all day drinking (to delay hangover—okay so I have failed Resolution #2 as well), and in the fact that I left my computer on the plane Sunday. Oh and also in my inability to properly dress myself. Perhaps my shit will never get together.

Okay so I guess that it’s it. I think #1 is the only real attainable goal, but I think it’s a good one. Maybe?

Dress to Stress

I forgot how to get dressed for work.

Now this probably won’t come as any surprise, seeing as I post frequently about my constant fashion faux-pas that are always work-outfit-related. Well this morning I legitimately took an hour trying and re-trying out different outfits, never satisfied and always feeling like I just look plain ridiculous.

What’s my problem?

Part of it is the weather. Just as I forgot how to dress to go out in Portland, Maine snow and ice, I have forgotten the winter attire of Southern California. My outfit today is representative of my confusion—a gray turtleneck sweater dress, belted with a thin gold braided belt, and patent leather nude round-toed pumps (J. Crew, bien sur). I am not wearing tights. Now, I would probably normally wear this dress with tights, maybe boots too and maybe sans belt. But this morning I was so confused/perplexed that I thought this might work?

The other part is because I didn’t get any new clothes for Christmas (just 15 pounds of shoes) and usually after a holiday break I’ve got enough new clothes to sustain me for a few days of fun outfits—which gets me back in the game. But now I am in this mess where I forgot how to turn my old clothes into viable work outfits.

As I so often say: I confused.

(And the lack of verb is intentional—really better to express the dire confusion).

Celebration, Panic, Celebration

I am a lucky asshole.

Seriously.

So, as noted in my airport post yesterday, I spent most of my 25th birthday traveling. While on the 6 hour flight to LA I read a lot in a new book (YA Fantasy, obv) and watched several episodes of 30 Rock before my computer died. Upon arrival, I was so excited to be back in LA I packed up my various carry-ons quite quickly, booked it to the baggage claim, and met DiTonto outside, who had decked out my car in some serious birthday decorations and was blasting Manu Chao—a great welcome home/birthday surprise. (And thank God she brought my car because my 60+ lb. bag would not have fit in her VW Bug). We went straight to one of our fave dinner joints: Panera (so classy) where I got a lot of Happy Birthdays and perplexed expressions when people realized we were, in fact, serious, and yes, in fact, celebrating a 25th birthday dinner at Panera of all places.

While Ash and I were catching up we both commented on visiting friends back East and how everyone else’s apartments seemed to be a lot more “adult” or together than ours is. Then we ran over a giant palm frond, and then in the middle of the road pulled over and I got underneath the car and yanked it out, and we then decided we would bring it to our apartment (and we wonder why our place looks like a cross between a deserted beach shack and a fraternity house).

Back at home we played some video games for a little bit and then, feeling the tug of our messed up time cycles, DiTonto went to bed and I decided I would unpack a little bit and get some sleep myself.

Or so I thought.

I walked into my room and started to go through my stuff, admiring my new shoes, wondering how I left the most random things at home in New York when all of a sudden I realized, with certainty, something, very, very bad.

I left my computer on the airplane.

Yes, I, girl with a computer tethered to her arm, left my beloved machine and keeper of all I hold dear under the seat in front of me on the Goddamn airplane.

Panic ensued. As did feelings of nausea, hyperventilation, as well as a game plan as to how I was going to finance my new MacBook Pro that I would surely have to buy—all without telling my dad for at least a month. Trying to act rationally, I told myself it would be okay because I have most all of my files backed up on an external hard drive I keep at home.

I spent about 45 minutes on the phone with various people at Continental, attempting to discern whether or not my plane had already left LAX, where it was headed to next, and if anyone had discovered a computer on board and was good Samaritan enough to turn it in.

In what felt like a race against time, around 10:45 pm I booked it to the airport, employing techniques from the 20 minutes I once watched of The Secret, reciting, “I will get back this computer. My computer will be returned to me” over and over again, begging with the Universe to cut me some slack—it’s my birthday!

Well, I guess begging the Universe/God for kindness/to return computer works because when I pulled into short-term parking, ran as fast as I could to the Continental desk at the terminal, a nice woman there made a few calls, and twenty minutes later my computer was back in my hands, and I no longer felt a strong urge to vomit.

Like I said, I am a lucky asshole.

Happy 25?

I'm celebrating my 25th birthday today by watching the Ravens beat the Dolphins in the Newark airport. Yep, I am not even flying out of JFK or LGA to head home.

Well, at least I am not miserably hungover, which has been my birthday-flight routine of years past.

Oh and per the $50 charge I had to pay for my overweight bag, I seem to be bringing back an additional 15 ponds of stuff. It's mostly shoes, I think.