Comic Relief

Discovery: Quiznos is Suprisingly Delish

That Taco Bell mention yesterday fueled a lot of fast food conversations with various people, one of whom strongly suggested I try out Quiznos. I have been a longtime fan of Subway and since I was in middle school I've gotten the same sandwich. Want to hear it? I'm going to tell you anyway. It's weird... ready? Okay: Turkey, Pickles and Peppers. That's it. Sometimes provolone. It's heavenly. Seriously. It is!

But anyway, after my tennis classes Tuesday nights I often stop at a Subway on the way home because I am so damn hungry, but after tennis last night I decided to get crazy and mix things up with a trip to Quiznos.

I have to admit, going to a chain restaurant and having never been before makes me nervous. I don't know what to get, what the protocol is, what's good, what's not good, etc. I WAS SCARED. But then I spotted a delicious looking classic sub--the Italian (which I have to point out, is not at all the same as the version of the Italian I grew up loving in Maine, but the more standard version) and sure enough, it was divine. Quiznos gives Subway some SERIOUS competition. And I am excited because I am playing tennis twice this week so I am thinking after tomorrow's session I might have to make a repeat trip.

It's come to my attention...

In my daily dose of self-promotion on my G-chat status, Facebook and Twitter I bragged about the post two-below as touting 2000 words. Why do I know this? Well I typed it up in a word document first (yes, it still had that many spelling/grammar errors, what can I say? I am shitty when it comes to proofreading my own work) and then plopped it up here and hooo boy it was long.

But you know what?

It's come to my attention that some of you may not enjoy reading my longer posts. See the following exchange:

Me:
i mean its 4 pages single spaced in a word doc
Friend:
wow
that's 1400 words?
Me:
maybe
Friend:
oh single spaced?
Me:
yep
Friend:
that's like a million pages
words
Me:
hahaha
Friend:
shit stamos
i'm not reading 8 double spaced pages

In this day and age we are so accustomed to processing nuggets of information in 140 characters or less (ooooh Twitter burn!) that we seem to freak out at the idea of reading any lengthy section of prose.

To which I say, SERIOUSLY?

I'm suprised we don't all have ADHD! In fact, I predict in the near future we will!

You know if I am going to devote my entire lunch break to some narcissistic ramblings about people you don't even know, the least you can do is read the entire thing and then leave me comments about how brilliantly hilarious I am and how you would like to buy my blog and make it a book and then how I should quit my job and how my amazing column will resurrect print media from its current death bed and then I'll win a Pulitzer and maybe a Peabody (DID YOU KNOW THAT BATTLESTAR GALACTICA WON A PEABODY? THAT'S HOW GOOD IT IS!) and then my life story will be made into a brilliant movie that will be both happy and sad but more happy and then I will win an Oscar and I will get to thank my Orthodontist after all (the second one, not that first asshole doctor) and then I will buy my Dad a big house in Italy and myself an even bigger one in France.

Actually I don't really care. If shorter posts are preferred, then BY GOLLY! LET THE PEOPLE EAT CAKE!

(No but seriously I like comments).

what not to do when on a conference call

Earlier today I was on a conference call and because I like to multi-task I was also eating some Hot Tamales and talking online with DiTonto who mentioned she was going to walk to Subway for lunch and because we work near each other and because I didn't feel like waiting in line I demanded she get me some Subway too so then I started laughing a little bit but tried to stifle my laugh but this was difficult whilst eating Hot Tamales and then one of my co-workers asked,

"Who is breathing really loudly?"

So I put the phone on mute.

But DiTonto didn't end up going to Subway afterall so I got a Grilled Chicken Club from a restaurant downstairs and while I delighted at the savory saltiness of some bacon I contemplated a resolution to Swine Flu: what if we just eat all the swine? GET IT!!!!!???

No really. Has anyone explored this option?

Monday Night (A Two Part Tale)

Prologue
Brace yourself readers, you are in for one seriously long post but let me preface it with a disclaimer: THIS IS A TRUE RETELLING OF MY ENTIRE MONDAY NIGHT, from which I hope you will find joy and humor, and maybe a little personal reflection and probably you’ll get annoyed somewhere around the middle but then you'll get into the stuff about Mexico and you might just come out feeling victorious and refreshed.

Part 1.
On a scale of 1 to 7, Taco Bell is obviously a 7

So DiTonto is buying a new car. And DiTonto is... well... we’ll call it particular. Being the good friend I am (and because she dealt with my car trauma back in July) I went with her to some dealers last night to attempt to help. I say attempt because car shopping with Ashleigh is like taking an autistic child to the grocery store. That was incredibly offensive. I have no idea what it would be like taking autistic child to the grocery store. Let me try a new metaphor. Car shopping with Ashleigh is like taking an eight year old to the world’s largest toy store but the kid wants a fucking toy that HASN’T BEEN INVENTED YET.

Right now she drives a small, fire-engine red 2001 VW Bug. So you’d think naturally she’d want another small car, maybe even another bug because she LOVES HER CURRENT CAR SO MUCH. Oh no. NOT DITONTO. CERTAINLY NOT.

See, at some point on Sunday DiTonto decided to get THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF A BUG. She thought she wanted a pick-up truck but then when we actually looked at them yesterday she didn’t like any of the ones that didn’t have power locks or windows. But then any of the trucks with automatic amenities were too large or expensive or white was an unacceptable color for the truck. And apparently she is over the VWs. So then we drove by Honda and I suggested a Fit, but NO NO NO, not for DiTonto.

Then we went to the giant Ford & Jeep dealership in Santa Monica to support our love for America and Freedom and this is when DiTonto fell in love with a Jeep Wrangler Rubicon. A big honker that is army green with a massive spoiler on the front and crazy looking headlights to hunt Mexicans with. That was incredibly offensive. Let me rephrase. A big honker that is army green with a massive spoiler on the front and crazy looking headlights to hunt... to hunt... to hunt Mexicans with. I CAN’T HELP IT! (sorry I am just being extra non-PC today but also because the universe is shitting on Mexico right now and so I feel like maybe I can too? Just today? No? How many people of Mexican lineage have I offended at this point? Would it help to know that as a child I went to summer camp in Mexico and actually have a deep love and respect for the country? Still no? What was that? Something about SWINE FLU? DON’T WORRY I’LL GET TO THAT IN PART 2!)

Anyway, after all the test driving we needed some sustenance so naturally we went to Taco Bell. (See, DiTonto introduced me to Taco Bell and I introduced her to certain illicit substances I’d rather not spell out here on the blog BUT YOU GET THE IDEA I MEAN WE WERE AT COACHELLA TWO WEEKS AGO AND YOU KNOW I AM LIBERAL AND WENT TO SCHOOL IN VERMONT SO TAKE A GUESS, but really the point of this is that we both brought things that do harm to your body into each others’ lives so it’s ALL OKAY! WE'RE EVEN.)

We both ordered Crunchwrap Supremes (I order that because I don’t know what I am supposed to get at Taco Bell and just get what DiTonto tells me to. I'm very free-thinking), and Ashleigh also got a burrito because her eyes tend to be larger than her stomach and then when we pulled up to the window to pay and get our food, the nice Taco Bell employee handed me a receipt and pointed out that on the back of said receipt there was a place to rate their service. I handed the receipt to DiTonto, thinking very little of this exchange, when she said to me,

“Wait, they want me to rate their service?”

Yes.

“Well they’re a fucking 7, GIVE ME A PEN!”

And then she circled 7, as evidenced by the photo of the receipt below. However, once DiTonto learned that she would have to call a number to win any money after rating the Taco Bell service she lost interest. (In addition to being particular, sometimes DiTonto is... lazy).



Then we got home and ate our Taco Bell at the kitchen table but I almost fell out of the chair a few times because when Annie bought the furniture from Ikea she didn’t follow ALL the directions (you could say). And then DiTonto almost MURDERED Annie’s fish (not like it hasn’t happened before DITONTO) when she shook the table after two drastic movements and poor Snoopy/Blue (Annie calls him Snoopy, DiTonto calls him Blue, I haven’t decided what I like to call him but I am sure it will come to me) sloshed all over the place. He’s okay though.

Part 2.
Regarding Swine Flu – I would voluntarily quarantine myself

Annie and I are quite similar when it comes to some of our interests. Okay that was an awkward first sentence but I sometimes wonder if people get confused when I write about Annie so I am going to take this moment to remind you that Annie is my other roommate who shares my name, who we also call Adubs because DiTonto gets annoyed when she yells out “Annie!” and we both respond and so she calls me Stamos and the other Annie Adubs and moving on to the relevant part of the story...

Adubs, like me, often becomes fascinated with scientific phenomena. Maybe not quite to the extent I do, but she definitely is a fountain of knowledge in some very random areas. She also gets into PASSIONATE diatribes about various topics, one of her favorites being that of MASS PANDEMICS. This obviously is something I find interesting and count pandemic-related literature and entertainment to be among my favorite subject material (see, I Am Legend or The Cobra Event by Richard Preston). Anyway, just this past weekend, before Swine Flu became all the rage, Adubs and I were randomly having a conversation all about looking at disease and epidemics like AIDS, cancer, etc. as actually just forms of population control (on a side note, can someone explain to me the difference between an epidemic and a pandemic? THANKS IN ADVANCE!) and Adubs made the point that there tends to be a mass plague that wipes out a significant portion of the human population every 80 to 100 years and we are right in that timeline now, but then this led to a discussion about modern medicine and we pondered the likelihood of the reality of another pandemic taking place in modern times, and then Adubs shared some useful tips about surviving pandemics (Tip: don’t panic. Also, don’t head to the countryside—cities have the infrastructure to support more sick people) and at this point you are probably thinking, Oh this is what happens when you get two people from Middlebury in a room together. Sure.

So anyway, have I talked about Annie’s mom before? Annie’s mom is Linda and she is a CHARACTER and she visits A LOT which is fun because Linda is entertaining. In fact DiTonto remarked last night she was so used to seeing Linda at our apartment that sometimes she doesn’t even notice. Oh and Linda loves American Idol. Many an occasion have I come home to find Linda watching American Idol on the sofa. It’s kind of comforting.

So last night after the car driving and the Taco Bell eating and the near death of Snoopy/Blue/Undetermined Nickname we hung out a little bit with Linda who wanted to show everyone Adam’s performance on American Idol last week (I think Adam is the gay one? Again, I really don’t watch the show but I am pretty sure he’s not the Indian one because that dude’s name is Anoop and I feel like I read somewhere he got kicked off but seeing as I vehemently despise American Idol and only watch it if it’s playing in the background, so really any time when Linda is in town, so I could be making these things up). The other thing Linda likes to watch just as much as American Idol is CNN, so I then went back into the living room for the Swine Flu coverage (I had to leave during AI to read one of my sci-fi blogs on my Google reader) and let me tell you: SWINE FLU IS SO HOT RIGHT NOW.

As a trend forecaster (I KNOW! THAT’S REALLY WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING! ME!) let me tell you that Swine Flu is definitely both a trend and potentially a mass pandemic of devastatingly destructive proportions. And because I am odd and a little bit twisted, I think Swine Flu is FASCINATING and I am somewhat excited to see how this all pans out. And those doctors that CNN gets to comment on such BREAKING NEWS STORIES are pretty hilarious. Especially this one dude with crazy hair who gave a book plug during a VERY SERIOUS AND INTENSE SWINE FLU DISCUSSION with Larry King. Also, did you know that the mortality rate of the Spanish Influenza back in 1918 was %2.5 and Swine Flu in Mexico is already at %6?

Which brings me to my next point: HOLY CRAP THE UNIVERSE IS SHITTING ON MEXICO! First all that drama with drug cartels, then Spencer & Heidi from The Hills go on their Goddamn honeymoon in Cabo (I just vomited in my mouth a little bit), and NOW ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE DYING OF SWINE FLU. Oh and there appear to be a lot of idiots in the United States because the Twitter questions pouring in during the Larry King coverage last night was straight out of an SNL skit about stupid people. For example: “Are swine flu and the recent drug violence in Mexico related?” YES YOU STUPID TWITTER USER. SEE, BECAUSE THE MEXICANS DID DRUGS AND SOLD THEM AND THEN KIDNAPPED SOME PEOPLE AND KILLED SOME COPS, THE GOOD BABY JESUS PUNISHED THEM WITH A DISEASE THAT HAS A NAME BASED ON A PIG. A FUCKING PIG. BUT IT’S NOT EVEN PIG FLU. IT’S SWINE FLU.

I’d also like to throw it out there that if I start showing ANY SYMPTOMS that I would be more than happy to voluntarily quarantine myself.

So Linda went to bed about halfway through the Swine Flu coverage, leaving the rest of us to ponder our futures. Annie wants to just be really prepared, so last night she discussed getting more water, maybe some masks, that sort of thing (this plan for preventative measures fits nicely with my fear-of-Earthquakes issue). And DiTonto got really freaked out but then decided things would be happier if she went back to researching the Jeep Wrangler Rubicon online (please note she’s already nicknamed the car Ruby) whereas I was suddenly feeling inspired to watch THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN. I really wanted to watch Outbreak or read some book about pandemics but I had a screener of the A&E miniseries that I stole from my boss at my last job (I have a great work ethic!) and never watched and thought, why not! Turns out this miniseries has a little bit more bioterrorism and conspiracy theorizing than I would prefer (MORE SCIENCE! LESS PARANOIA!) but it scratched the itch.

But then, right before I went to bed I had an overwhelming urge to text my Dad and tell him I love him because this Swine Flu business is kind of freaking me out, I will admit. He responded early this morning, with a text message that said “Just don’t go to Mexico. Xoxo.”

See? Everyone is shitting on Mexico right now.

Keeper of the Kohn

I just wanted to alert EVERYONE to the fact that the amazing and inspirational film Keeper of the Kohn is available to view on Hulu. I watched it again last night and was reminded of what a truly special movie this is. (I've embedded the entire thing below, so you don't even need to go to Hulu--just watch it here!)



This film will make you laugh and cry and everything in between. I obviously have a personal attachment to the story as it's set at my alma mater, Middlebury College. Some of my close friends were on the lacrosse teams, and being an avid fan I even got to know Peter Kohn on a few occasions--a truly remarkable person. I don't care who you are, whether or not you care about college lacrosse or sports in general or anything like that. If you care about people and compelling stories, this is a must-see.

What is wrong with me?

Now, I am sure you’re presently thinking of a multitude of answers that could answer the above question but I pose such a quandary in reference to a specific string of disturbing incidents, all in which I have suffered through unintended self-inflicted pain. Yes, I am a klutz, but when I seem to have walked into large, sharp objects three times in less than a week, I can only wonder if there is something else going on...

Need more explanation? Look no further...

Last Wednesday I was walking out of the Equinox Pilates Studio after my 6:30 am class and walked right into the sharp edge of a counter. I seem to bruise like a peach because by the next day I had a nasty looking welt on my left bicep. Over the course of the weekend the bruise only seemed to increase in size and in nasty purple-ish color, although today it’s finally diminishing. In any case, it was painful and I felt odd walking around looking like an abused girlfriend--especially when every person who asked me what happened received a total letdown upon learning it was through my own inability to walk

Yesterday while cleaning up the disaster zone our apartment morphed into post Saturday-night activities I walked into a bike. Yes, there was a bike in our living room. A large beach cruiser. And I walked right into. A pedal to be precise, and I now have a seriously large bump and bruise near my right ankle. This also required me to sit on the sofa for some time and use a bag of frozen broccoli to ice my wound. Not fun.

Today might be my worst klutz moment yet. While putting away some Flip cameras into the cupboards behind my desk I stood up quickly, only to shove my back directly into the sharp metal-encased corner of the open cupboard door directly above my head. Not only did this knock the wind out of me for a brief second, but I then had a 5-inch scrape across my back, a little bit of bleeding, and a shitton of pain. Also, my body’s instant response to this was—no surprise here—to start sweating PROFUSELY. And I emitted one of those awkward sounds that is somewhere between crying and laughing. Now I have an ice pack attached to my back thanks to an ace bandage wrapped around my midriff (so I look cool too).

So again let me pose the question: What is wrong with me? Isn’t there some old wive’s tale about when a girl gets really klutzy it means something? Something related to cycles and the moon and witchcraft or something? I mean, not that I actually believe there’s something supernatural/hormonal happening here but beyond just needing to have a bit better awareness of my surroundings, WHAT THE FUCK!?!

I was hoping the back injury would get me out of work for the afternoon but all it got me was a brief pity party from my boss who then told me to stop whining.

I AM BURSTING AT THE SEAMS WITH JOY!

I am filled with joy and EXUBERANCE today, my dear readers. Why, oh why? LET ME TELL YOU IN A NIFTY LIST FORMAT. GOLLY GEE I LOVE MAKING LISTS!

1) I love World Music. I do. I want to shout it on a mountain top. I feel like since Coachella my deep love for this genre of jams has been reignited and not only have I been discovering some great LA venues to catch new acts (like Afro Funk night at ZANZIBAR), but I have been discovering new HOT BEATS online.

2) I am wearing A NEON ORANGE SHIRT TODAY WITH PAINT SPLATTERS OF OTHER NEON COLORS ON IT. I AM PUSHING THE CASUAL FRIDAY DRESS CODE. I like to LIVE ON THE EDGE.

3) Tonight I am going to see EARTH. Finally! At long last... if you go back and look at my post from Earth Day 2008 when I first talk about my excitement for the film you may recall my claim that I was going to see it on Earth Day 2009. Well. I didn't. BUT I AM GOING TO SEE IT TONIGHT.

4) Tomorrow is Annie's birthday and her birthday party (conveniently at the same dive bar where DiTonto and I had our party) and it is destined to be an epic evening. WHY? Besides celebrating the birth of this fabulous lady, the theme is CROQUET (because she loves Alice in Wonderland) and we have leftover GLOWSTICKS from Coachella. YES, I SAID GLOWSTICKS. I TOO ENJOY A GOOD GLOWSTICK EVERY NOW AND THEN.

5) When KO was in town she introduced me to the phenomenon that is FLEA MARKET MONTGOMERY. It is HEAVEN.



Living rooms. Bedrooms. Dinettes. OH YEAH!

You Had Me At "A Film By Fans for Fans"

Trailer 2 - The Hunt For Gollum at SCI-FI-LONDON
by HuntForGollum

Via EW.

I love how they have so many budget versions of the real actors.

I never want to take these shoes off

So I am wearing my TOMS again. They are borderline maybe NOT the most appropriate work shoes (although no one seems to care) but they are seriously so incredibly comfortable. Again, I recommend them to ALL.

MMMMM I AM GOING TO EAT A QUESADILLA FOR LUNCH TODAY! DELISH.

(And if you can't tell... I have little to no creative juices today, hence boring blog posts... maybe later I'll post some killer viral videos or something? Coachella pretty much just put me in a daze I've yet to emerge from...)

I LOVE NATURE! AND THE EARTH! AND SCIENCE!

Happy Earth Day everyone!

I am wearing GREEN in celebration (see I can't get my act together for St. Patty's Day but for a day that celebrates recycling and Gaia and hippie love, no problemo). I look kind of weird actually (what else is new? Although a lady at the gym this morning said I looked cute so I decided not second guess the look and go with it). I am wearing a neon green tank, a high waisted kelly green skirt, a short sleeve beige cardigan, a gold braided belt around the waistline of the whole ensemble. And my TOMS. I love Toms. KO was just visiting and informed me that Toms are apparently NOT available on the East Coast, or at least, no one there is wearing them. So all you East Coasters--buy a pair of Toms! For every pair you purchase, a child in need gets a pair too!

NOW GO HUG A TREE!

Coachella Highlights

Because I can't stop obsessing over Coachella today, I need to share the joy with a few choice musical performances. I honestly could post almost every band I saw but that hurts my heart too much because I WANT TO GO BACK RIGHT NOW.

Here are the clips, all worth watching... nothing tops the real thing, but still...

My 2nd-favorite Killers jam off the new album, "This is Your Life" (sadly they didn't play "I Can't Stay")


Yeah Yeah Yeahs "Maps" (the sky during this piece was AMAZING, in fact this might have been my favorite show all weekend). Karen O is a goddess.


Thievery Corporation played the mainstage Saturday and had like 7 phenomenal female lead singers. I loved this jam "El Pueblo Unido."


The Cure "Love Song" (not the best quality, but seeing this live tugged on my heartstrings)


Girl Talk's live DJ set killed, no surprise there


Tinariwen; I didn't catch the whole show, only a snippet, but this band from Mali is pretty sick.


And another Killers jam, "For Reasons Unknown" (if you go to 3:20 your heart might break--and to all the Brandon Flowers haters out there, sure, he might be a bit much but there is NO denying that this band is phenomenal)


I'm going to close my eyes and cry for a little bit now... then begin planning next year's trip...

Creeptastic

For any Lost fans out there (or for anyone who enjoys watching innocent children's stories turn macabre) this clip is a must-see. Especially the last 30 seconds.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack!

Hi!

Hi!

Hi everyone!

Did you miss me? Were you crying everyday thinking WHAT OMG NO WARNING SHE JUST STOPS BLOGGING FOR A FEW DAYS? Where's my Stamos vs. Stamos? Where's my Family Guy Friday? Where's my weekly dose of narcissism?

SORRY BOUT THAT! Things just got soooooooooo hectic, what with me taking a vacation and all, that I just didn't have time to blog. But friends, dear friends, LET ME TELL YOU, what a vacation it was!

COACHELLA WAS PHENOMENAL. Truly. Life-changing. I just want to listen to music ALL THE TIME NOW. NOT THAT I DIDN'T BEFORE! WOOOOO.

Okay but with vacation comes catch up. So 'scuse me while I return to the silence and catch up on my life. Be back soon with fascinating tales and trials and tribulations to share.

Clip of the Day

So it appears there is a natural explanation for my mutual love of the Disney flicks from the 70s. Apparently Robin Hood and The Jungle Book were rather similar.

This is a really interesting video showing just how many of our favorite animated Disney classics borrowed from each other (worth watching to the end).



Via Cinematical

OH MY GOD I HAVE A STY

I have a Sty. On my eye.

According to this website, this is what I am dealing with:
A sty (sometimes spelled stye) is a tender, painful red bump located at the base of an eyelash or under or inside the eyelid. The medical term for a sty is hordeolum (plural, hordeola).

A sty results from an acute infection of the oil glands of the eyelid (meibomian glands) that occurs after these glands have become clogged. A sty also may arise from an infected hair follicle at the base of an eyelash. The bacterium Staphylococcus aureus is responsible for 90%-95% of cases of styes. Staph aureus is frequently found on the skin. A sty can develop as a complication of blepharitis (inflammation of the eyelid).

The term external hordeolum has been used to refer to a sty that develops at the base of an eyelash involving a hair follicle of the eyelid, whereas the term internal hordeolum refers to a sty arising due to an inflamed meibomian gland under the eyelid.

And what are the symptoms?
The first symptoms of a sty are generally redness, tenderness, and pain in the affected area. The eye may feel irritated or "scratchy." Later symptoms can include swelling, discomfort during blinking of the eye, watering of the eye, and sensitivity to light. A common sign of a sty is a small, yellowish spot at the center of the bump that develops as pus expands in the area.

Yep. That's me. I have a sty because I have this teeny tiny little bump smack dab in the middle of my upper eyelid of my left eye and my co-worker who is apparently prone to stys just confirmed it. SO NOT COOL. Apparently it will "rupture" on its own, or I can just use a hot compress to ease the pain. GREAT. JUST GREAT.

A Meta Internet Movie Experience

I have a feeling only true internet-geeks will get every reference here (sadly, I think I fall into that category), but this video really captures a lot of the douchey web users out there. And it's pretty funny. Enjoy!

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Via Gizmodo.

What is this "taxes" thing everyone speaks of?

So apparently today is TAX DAY. Or maybe tomorrow is. All I know is I don't like it. And I've obviously left things to the last minute... and I'm obviously confused and overwhelmed by so many numbers, charts, graphs, and letters and combinations of numbers, charts, graphs, and letters on so many stapled pages. And something that requires me to purchase stamps? No thank you.

PAUSE PLEASE! I just remembered I haven't watered Horace in a week! (Man, Horace is thirsty).

Anyhoo, this tax business is just no fun. Especially for poor, pathetic Hollywood assistants such as myself. Actually, I think for most Hollywood assistants it is fun because they find shady accountants to get them $1000+ refunded, whereas I somehow manage to owe money when I take the honorable route. Go figure.

2ND PAUSE PLEASE! I just ate an Oreo which reminded me that they might be one of my most favorite cookie treats. If I were one of those people who could just eat whatever and never get fat then I would eat 4-6 Oreos a day.

If I were a skilled singer/songwriter I might write a little diddy that more eloquently expressed my poorly-articulated feelings on taxes, but alas, I am not. I am a marginally decent poet however. In high school I was selected to participate in this poetry workshop which culminated in the chance to read a master opus for willing audience members. My poem was a detailed account of all the times I have vomited on airplanes (hmm, I am now having writing deja vu, which means I've written about this before... which means I need to work on memory retention). Sometimes for shits and giggles and because I am a little bit of a loser I will go into my old writings and read all the poems I've written over the years. This often results in hilarity, followed by sadness, then embarrassment, then strangely: inspiration.

Speaking of inspiration, I feel inspired during this lunch hour to actually address this TAXES issue. Translation: I am going to call my Dad and complain, then ask where I am supposed to sign, then contemplate how many stamps a somewhat oversized envelope might require. Maybe then I'll write a poem.

This 10-year-old is SO over The Today Show (me too)

Please watch this skit in which a 10-year-old "historian" (Today Show lingo, not mine) schools two Today Show hosts in what I am assuming is the 7th hour of this never-ending show. Totally worth it to watch the clip to the end, upon which this girl exhibits the most condescending clap possible.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Via Best Week Ever

HAPPY MONDAY READERS!

HELLO. Today is MONDAY. IT IS THE DAY AFTER EASTER. DID YOU ENJOY EASTER? (for you non-Christians, that is.) I went to Church like the good Christian I am. (Then I went to the beach like the good tanorexic that I am.) That is, the good Christian I am on Christmas and Easter, which seem to be the only holidays I go to church these days. ANYWAY. IT'S MONDAY. AND I HAVE A THREE DAY WEEK. WHICH IS AWESOME. WHY JUST THREE DAYS? WHY SO MANY CAPITAL LETTERS TODAY? WHY DID I DRINK TOO MUCH WINE FRIDAY NIGHT WHICH THEN RENDERED ME INCAPABLE OF GOING OUT? All good questions. I am only going to answer one.

It is a three day week because I am going to Coachella this weekend and MY SISTER KO is coming out Wednesday for her first big Cali visit which is sure to make for a memorable weekend and many happy returns.

That's all I got for now. Too busy with work. Which means I am too busy being busy. Busy and important. Think rich mahogany.

Further Proof Bones is a GREAT Show

Remember that time I was mildly obsessed with the Large Hadron Collider? No? Well think of all the times I LOVE SCIENCE. Anyway, on last night's hilarious episode of Bones the LHC was a hot topic of conversation. I love Bones. I love Science. I love the geeks.

Check it out:

In the Year 2000: A Duchovny Retrospective

Okay, I totally jacked this from EW's PopWatch Clip du Jour, but it's just too funny. And I love me some Duchovny.

I WOULD LIKE TO FORMALLY ANNOUNCE THAT I WOULD LIKE TO FORMALLY BE SPONSORED BY PERT PLUS

OMG OMG OMG.

So I just checked my Twitter and NOT ONLY did I receive my first ever @reply from a known brand, BUT I GOT MY FIRST RE-TWEET. THIS IS SO EXCITING. IT IS LIKE CHRISTMAS FOR A NERD WHO LIKES TO WEAR JEDI BLANKETS TO WORK. NO SERIOUSLY.

And because I think this is proof of a brand that is DOING IT RIGHT (when it comes to online marketing, connecting with the consumer, outreach, Twitter, brand presence, etc etc) and DOING IT GREEN, I'd like to announce my formal endorsement of Pert Plus. For what exactly, it doesn't matter. But Pert Plus is king, officially. According to this blog. And me. Check out these tweets in response to my tweets yesterday (RT = re-tweet and it means that they essentially "forwarded on" what I wrote about Pert Plus yesterday, when I was reminiscing about the three minute showers I used to take at summer camp):

Pert_Plus@stamos Using a 2-in-1 cuts energy used to heat shower water by 63%--enough to power a flat screen TV for five hrs/day for a year

RT @stamos I like how Pert Plus is the most effective tool in guaranteeing a three minute shower (Think of the water & energy you save)

I've now also created a label for PERT PLUS so you can track all the posts in which I write about my new favorite hair product. IT'S GOOD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT TOO!

UPDATE: I just checked out the Pert Plus Twitter page and it turns out they RETWEETED ME YESTERDAY. I seem to have missed it! WOW. SIMPLY WOW.

RT @stamos: Pert Plus smells like summer camp and dreams (Love it.) 8:53 AM Apr 7th

Not only did they Re-Tweet me yesterday but I seem to have inspired a Twitter PR movement! Check it out:

Does the smell of Pert Plus bring back fond memories? @PertPlus with your story -- best one gets a free bottle.

I just feel honored. Truly, I do. And let me tell you a story about my history with Pert Plus:

Yes folks, I went to summer camp in Maine, and as it was an environmentally-conscious summer camp we were required to take three minute showers. Once a week. No more, no less. Furthermore, said showers only permitted the use of a biodegradable shampoo--hence an early appreciation for Pert Plus that not only makes my hair feel fabulous but provides some instant nostalgia. Man I am jazzed about this fab 2-in-1 right now!

Why I look like a Jedi Knight today

No it's not my outfit. But I sort of bear resemblance to Obi Wan Kenobi today. The reason? The nuddle!

What's a nuddle? Well it's kind of like the Snuggie (but it came out before the snuggie, FYI, we've had one in our office for MONTHS) however it is not at all like the Snuggie in that it is actually, really nice. And high quality.

Check it out. THE NUDDLE!

Anyway, one of the ways you can wear it is essentially as though you were a Jedi Knight. And who doesn't NOT want to look like a Jedi?

Stupid Clip of the Day

This is hilarious and you must watch ALL the way through the end.



Ken Leeeeeeeeeee

What's Happening in the World Today (that I care about)?

Obama watches TV.

Somali pirates seize another ship. But this time it's from the USA. You've really screwed the pooch now Somalians. You should know not to fuck with America.

I LOVE FREEDOM!

EVERYONE POOPS!

Hilarious Where The Wild Things Are trailer spoof:

Follow Me?

So in light of my light posting this light week (half day on Friday--really I just wanted to use the word "light" three times in that sentence), I'm still going to be doing Twitter updates. I know, I know--not the same. But it's microblogging! And easier to do on the go! So either sign on to Twitter and follow me there or keep coming back to the blog for updates. Twitter: where I can fill you all in on the even more mundane aspects of my life, such as my struggle to accurately spell the word "guarantee."

Light Posting This Week

(You know when I write titles such as the above, I feel as though I either sound much more professional/real than I am or I end up writing that it'll be light posting and then end up posting 10 times a day).

So yeah--light posting this week. Busy busy busy.

In other news I went Spring skiing in Tahoe on Saturday and got a killer sunglasses and hat tan. Fortunately it's gone down but I looked like a serious freak. I can't believe my first and only day skiing this season was the first weekend of April--this is the least I've skiied since I was 2 years old. Seriously.

Family Guy Friday

One of the best Family Guy episodes of late had to have been the Star Trek tribute last week. Especially because of this spot-on exchange. (Excuse the poor quality, but Hulu's known for removing clips and this is a serious gem).



Oh Stewie, when will you iron out your "wh" pronunciation inconsistencies?

Still trying to figure out that whole geek humor thing...

April Fools is a big day for geeks. It’s when geeks can play really nerdy jokes on each other/the internet. I attempted to get in on the fun but realized I’ve got a ways to go before I really nail the geek humor.

My plan was to change my whole Twitter account for the day, as though some bizarre hallucinating high schooler was tweeting about unicorns and fairies and other nonsense. Apparently a handful of friends actually thought it was hysterical and a pretty great April Fools joke someone played on ME. Then when I revealed it was me, attempting a lame-ass joke on OTHERS, well... joke fell flat. So that’s awkward. Joke's on me? Yes, turns out I was really just playing a joke on myself... although apparently a few people were mildly entertained (if not concerned that I was the one hallucinating).

So what have I learned from all this? I might be kind of loser. And I need to better iron out the details of touching on nerd-tech humor. It was an interesting experiment I guess?

Anyway, for those who weren’t following, or who are interested in what the hell I am talking about, here are all of yesterday’s tweets:

OMG I JUST SAW A CHERUB (one of those winged baby angels) RIDING A FUCKING UNICORN! SOMEONE CALL LISA FRANK! IS THAT A POT OF GOLD?

THAT LEPRECHAUN IS A CREEP. I'm going to pwn the shit out of him.

I have slain the leprechaun! w00t! I think that cherub just transformed into a My Little Pony. Smells like cupcakes.

IT WAS NEVER A CHERUB! IT WAS A WINGED UNICORN ALL ALONG! IT SMELLS LIKE MAGIC AND MERLIN'S BEARD IN HERE.

I've discovered the secret to ETERNAL LIFE! JUST BOTTLE UP THE TEARS OF A WINGED UNICORN AND MIX IT WITH THE BLOOD OF A LEPRECHAUN!

hmm. THAT ELIXIR WAS A BAD CHOICE. I THINK I'M GROWING A TAIL.

FUCK! Do tails grow out of your shoulder blades?

Shit. It's wings. I'M GROWING A PAIR OF WINGS.

Just looked in mirror. I seem to have morphed into a cherub myself. Off to find a unicorn to befriend. Then leprechaun hunting.

OH NO! A wizard cast a spell on me. I am now doomed to an eternity of chasing flying monkeys. MUST FIND A FAIRY TO COUNTERACT EVIL MAGIC.

UGH. Just when I found a woodland sprite one of those G-D flying monkeys scared it away. QUESTION: WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO CALL A MALE FAIRY?

Apparently FAIRY is gender neutral. http://tinyurl.com/cryewb THANK GOD BECAUSE I CAN'T TELL IF THAT ORANGE ONE THERE IS MALE OR FEMALE!

that fairy was one whiny bitch (turned out she was female). THANK GOD THE FLYING MONKEY ATE HER. ditching fairy-plan to find a shaman king.

Man that shaman was a douche. Thank God he showed me how to teleport. Now I'm chilling on a rainbow with my unicorn friends, free of evil.

Ugh. Spoke too soon. Mad sorcerer, 3 o'clock. Wish I had one of those flying monkey bastards. WAIT! I HAVE WINGS! I FORGOT!

If an April Fools joke falls down in the forest and no one's there to hear it, is it still funny? I am going to go with NO.

Happy Dance!

The world needs a little more of these kind of things right now:

Some Wednesday Nostalgia

OMG. LISA FRANK. YOU GOTTA HAVE IT.

DJ Jazzy Stamos

I've been DJing for the office this morning. The mix? A heavy selection of Billy Joel, obviously. I highly recommend watching the HILARIOUS music video for "My Life" which you can find here. (Enbedding disabled for some STUPID reason). I sense today could be a good day for endless viewings of amazing 70s/80s music videos...

April Fools

The internet LOVES April fools. Especially internet geeks. And apparently Google does do. This is a joke, right?

Oh and a hallucinating high schooler hijacked my Twitter account. I take no responsibility for the bizarre tweets to come.