jaw wired shut

FIVE YEARS

2012-01-30T19:03:00.000-08:00

I just realized I have had this blog for FIVE YEARS.

Holy shit. I have a diary of the past five years. That's heavy. I'm excited!

Hey I still hate Katherine Heigl so that says something about my consistency, I guess.

Is this like Weight Watchers or Alcoholics Anonymous and do I get a "Five Year Blogger" chip? I like incentives.

Teacher! Teacher! Teacher!

2012-01-30T18:59:00.000-08:00

I was just doing some free association writing over on my tumblr (also yes, hi, it's me again, I'm still here even though I did take something of a winter hiatus, but I'm back to overshare here on Jaw Wired Shut for you and I hope everyone has been having a lovely 2012, mine has pretty much been awesome so far I'll tell you more about it later) and somehow a comment about doing some work spiraled into the observation that teachers don't make a lot of money.

I wrote:

I had to write about four paragraphs of copy for an upcoming episode. I do this kind of stuff a lot (I mean how else are fake Facebook pages for characters created?) for the show, but this one was REALLY interesting. I wrote about Schizophrenia and Winslow Homer and Maine and Art and for like five minutes, as I was thinking to myself, “this is fun and I am really good at this” I was also thinking to myself “fuck TV writing I should go back to school” and then I checked my bank account and realized there’s a reason more people don’t return to or stay in academia - it pays shit.

I think I need to add to this.

That's fucked up. Teachers, professors -- they should make more money. They should make more money than TV writers. I mean I don't make any money right now, because I'm what is known as a baby writer (seriously, this is sometimes a term for young writers), but like the good TV writer money. Actually, what I make right now is probably akin to what teachers make (okay really it's a little less probably) and let me tell you, that sucks. If this is what teachers make then teachers are not getting paid enough to lead comfortable lives. At least not in cities or other places as expensive as LA.

Actually what do I know? I don't actually know how much teachers make but I guess what I am trying to say here is that I know it's not enough. It should be more. I know it will never be that way and it's weird for me to suddenly just think of this now, really, but it popped in my head and I thought, "teachers!"

My mom taught art for many years, then special ed, and for the year prior to her death, art again.

Teachers give their lives to other people. They give themselves. They give SO much. They should get more back.

I named this post "Teacher! Teacher! Teacher!" because when I was in high school I took an ornithology class and to study for exams we used little shortcuts (like mnemonic devices, I guess?) to help us remember the birds because yes we learned how to identify over 100 birds by their plumage and/or call and when the Ovenbird sang its call sounded just like "Teacher! Teacher! Teacher!"

Being a TV writer is really hard, and I suppose on some scale, in the scheme of it all, it is an important and significant profession. But on a much larger scale, on like the whole big scale of everything, teachers are the real heroes.

Maine Problems

2011-12-26T09:43:00.000-08:00

Apparently before I woke up some alarm went off on our septic tank. So while I woke up to a delicious breakfast from my dad featuring his INFAMOUS popover pancakes (think POPOVERS, but also think PANCAKES, and then think about those things together with lots of butter and powdered sugar and Maine blueberries) I also woke up to the news that there will be no pooping, showering or dishwashing until the plumber and contractor make it out here. So that means I live in my bed now, I guess.

Our stepmom had to take a last minute flight back to the city today because her dad is very ill and he had to go back into the hospital this morning. Total bummer. We're going back later this week, but until then it's just me, my brother and my dad, or as I like to call it: 1 Woman and 2 Babies. The upside to this is between the two of them I am getting a LOT of inspiration for a new pilot.

I regret drinking coffee this morning. You know what I mean here.

Happy Holidays!!!

2011-12-22T11:28:00.000-08:00

I just put the final touches on my Huffington Post Pop Culture Christmas List which reminded me, as most things do, that I am negligent when it comes to blogging here. I even took the link to Jaw Wired Shut out of my bio. I just feel bad when the bulk of my writing/blogging is over at Tumblr. Pretty soon I am going to figure out how to combine these two and then it will just be a one stop shop for all things moi.

Anyway - I'll share the link when it posts, but I just wanted to wish everyone a happy and healthy holiday break - I'm in bed and it's 2:30pm. So that's awesome.

I love New York so much I haven't left the house in two days!

2011-12-22T11:26:00.000-08:00

I am not a New Yorker. Every time I come home I am reminded of this fact. On Monday I had a meltdown when I got confused like three blocks from our house and called my step-mom in a panic to declare "this is why I belong in LA!"

My brother and I were given the option of going up to Maine tomorrow or today and both of us were like, "TODAY. NOW. RIGHT NOW! AS SOON AS POSSIBLE." I do love New York but ultimately, it's not for me. Never would I ever have thought that LA is more similar to Maine, but I guess it is... so Maine, here we come!

I DID IT YOU GUYS!

2011-11-22T22:53:00.000-08:00

So I did my first ever sort of stand-up type thing EVER tonight (it wasn't stand up because I was reading something I already wrote) and it went really well.

So well in fact, that after the show, when I was walking out the door (because, like the sometimes socially-awkward gal I am, I like to bolt immediately after drawing attention to myself) some guy at the bar stopped me as I was walking out and said:

"You were the best."

"What?" I asked, because I was certain I had not heard correctly. There were like 8 other people doing stuff and mine was the shortest and the most different because it wasn't really on theme with the rest of the night and I was sweating a lot.

"Yours was the best."

"Thank you so much!" I said sweetly and then I ran right out of the bar.

My morning started out bad because I slept through my alarm and was a half hour late to work but then the day got better because I finished my pilot (that's 35 pages I WROTE you guys, I DID THAT!) and then right after I hit print and looked at my words I jetted off to this little comedy club and did my thing and some guy at the bar told me I was the best.

I feel... relieved (PEOPLE ACTUALLY LAUGHED! BECAUSE OF MY JOKES! ME!), but I also have a headache (probably from my glasses but I've decided I am going to wear glasses whenever I do these sorts of things because it weirdly helps me get into "character" which is a super silly thing for me to say if the character is just myself but I swear that it helped, you guys, I swear) and I also kind of feel like I want to cry because there is nothing more I want right now then to call my mom and tell her about my amazing day that started so terribly and ended so well and I can't call her and well, that just SUCKS SO HARD (I miss you Mom and I love you forever and I know you're watching over me I do, but sometimes, God, I just want to be able to pick up the phone and call you) but also I just feel like... I don't know what I feel like... like, maybe like I can do this. Like maybe if I can stay on this momentum and keep doing stuff and just keep on trying things I'll figure it out. I don't even know what "it" is. Maybe it's me or my life or my career goals or comedy or writing or just everything but I feel like I'm getting closer.

But whatever, the bigger deal here is that I did a comedy show and it went really well. And it's a good thing too because I've got another one on Saturday! OH SHIT! After the show I came home to an empty house which is rare when you have three other roommates and I thought that I should write this down, how I am feeling and I thought I would do it on Tumblr because that really is where I seem to be doing most of my blogging these days but then I thought, no, this is Jaw Wired Shut material. This is me. And I feel like there are only 2 people still reading this blog (are you out there? SHOW YOURSELVES!) but if there are it's the same people who've been reading me since I started this thing when I moved to LA in 2007 and look how far I've come!

And did you hear? I was the best, you guys! THE BEST!

On Writing

2011-11-21T19:54:00.000-08:00

I forget sometimes that I only discovered I wanted to be a writer, like, less than a year ago. I mean I think on some level I've been a writer my whole life. But to be the sort of person who wants to make that their career? That's a recent epiphany.

I forget this sometimes and have big freakout moments where I hold myself accountable to incredibly high standards that I shouldn't. Or maybe I should because standards motivate. Then again, standards can also do the opposite -- they can inspire fear. I hadn't written pages in Final Draft, like actually screenwriting pages, in months. Which is bad when it's what you hope to make a career of.

So this weekend, after what felt like a lifetime of procrastination, I finally started to write.

And write.

By the time I closed down my laptop I had 25 pages, so less than 10 short of a completed first draft of a pilot (a half-hour, obviously). I don't think the writing is any good and there's no way I'm going to let a soul check it out until I give it another complete pass. But still, that felt good. Shit, just writing two pages a day feels good!

It was a good reminder that if I want to be a writer, if anyone wants to be a writer, then you need to write as much as possible. I used to think blogging was enough but now I see that I need to be working on scenes and sketches and jokes just as much, if not more, than the sort of day-to-day projects I'm already working on.

I'll get there. Eventually...

Is this book real? I want to read it.

2011-11-09T01:26:00.000-08:00

Things I Published Elsewhere: The Story of How I Forgot My Pants

2011-11-09T01:23:00.000-08:00

THIS IS SOMETHING I PUBLISHED ELSEWHERE

Hey everyone! I’m starting this new thing called No Pants Fridays! It’s also called Pantsless Fridays! Essentially, it’s when you don’t wear pants on a Friday.

I know - genius, right? And now you’re dying to know how I came to invent such a monumentally brilliant idea, and you should be excited because the story of my brilliance is a lot like how that guy invented sticky notes by making a mistake or how that other guy invented the hula hoop because of the coffee ring his mug left on the newspaper — this story is just that good and will probably be just as famous. Mark my words. You’ll be thanking me for Pantsless Fridays for years to come!

It begins at nighttime, last night to be precise, when I was getting out of my car and made the executive decision to leave my gym bag in my car. “Why bother lugging that satchel all the way upstairs when I’ve already got everything I need for tomorrow’s gym trip right here. Including pants!” (OR SO I THOUGHT).

Then it was this morning and I was getting dressed after my workout, really excited about the nice, preppy outfit I was going to cap off my week with. (There’s nothing that makes me feel better about myself than really pulling off a good outfit on a Friday. I like to go out with a bang). I had prepared brown riding boots, a blue striped oxford button-down, a navy blue crewneck pullover, a brown belt to match the boots, and pants. (OR SO I THOUGHT).

There weren’t any pants. THERE WEREN’T ANY PANTS. So first I had a panic attack which resulted in some extreme sweating and then I formulated a plan to ransack my car for a back-up. I just knew there would be something in that mobile closet for me to wear.

Like any good LA-living young professional fashion-concious girl I keep piles of clothes (and other things) in my car at all times. I have a really nice Barbour coat that has lived in the backseat of my car since last March. You NEVER know when you might need to go horseback riding in the British countryside. Some of the other things I keep in my car are as follows:

a sleeping bag
three scarves
a white blazer with shoulderpads
LL Bean duckboots
two umbrellas
a sleeping pad
a pipe
a television wall mount
Aquaphor
23 reusable grocery bags
one TOMS shoe (the right one)
two cardigans, both blue
denim cut-off shorts
a tennis ball
a tennis raquet
SillyBandz
khaki shorts with neon orange stripes down the side
a Barbour coat
Febreeze
a flashlight
four pairs of sunglasses
one fleece pullover

So while I could play tennis in full rain gear smoking a pipe in the dark and then comfortably sleep on a mattress made from grocery bags, I could not wear pants.

Faced with my destiny, I made the logical choice — of all the items in the car, only two were “bottoms” and of those two, the khaki shorts were slightly more work-appropriate than the denim ones, and thus I donned my brown riding boots, my blue striped oxford button down, my navy blue crew neck pullover, my brown belt to match the boots and khaki colored shorts with a neon orange stripe on either side. In other words, I dressed like a German boy hunting for his Oktoberfest supper.

I am lucky enough to have amazing co-workers who declared they too would take off their pants in solidarity - and thus, Pantsless Fridays was born.

(I’m going to the mall to buy some pants now).

Hello Blog

2011-11-09T01:20:00.000-08:00

Hello Beloved Blog that I've so cruelly neglected, how are you? Let's become friends again. I know I've left you for Tumblr but it's all just so very convenient over there...

Did I really only blog once last month? What's happened to me? How do I get my mojo back?

Las Vegas Does Not Exist

2011-10-17T11:32:00.000-07:00

I spent the weekend in Las Vegas with some friends.

Las Vegas is a strange place. It's essentially one giant mall. Or Disneyland for adults. It was the third time I was there and I still feel like I've never really spent time there. By which I mean, I'm not sure that I really know Las Vegas - which is weird, because usually when I visit other cities or places I try to get to know them. You don't do that in Las Vegas. Las Vegas is a city that doesn't really exist.

It's weird.

Texas Forever

2011-09-19T17:12:00.000-07:00

It wasn't the Best Drama Emmy - which I really wish it had been - but FNL did win two Emmys last night, for writing (YAY WRITERS!) and for Kyle Chandler as Coach Eric Taylor.

I can't think of any other show that has had the profound emotional impact that FNL has had on me. Not even The X-Files. Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose.

This is not the Stamos we're looking for...

2011-09-16T14:24:00.001-07:00

Star Wars vs. Cancer

2011-09-15T11:57:00.000-07:00

This makes me so happy. I love Star Wars oh so very much and cancer is like THE WORST THING EVER so use the force and stand up to cancer, you guys!

Also, yeah. Bill Hader crushes this. And Emma Stone, I think we might be BFF soulmates.

The Most Important Excel Spreadsheet Ever: Fall TV 2011

2011-09-15T10:52:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! If you've found my blog from my Tumblr, my Twitter or my most recent HelloGiggles Open Letter (to Fall TV, duh) then you know what this is about... oh yeah and that subject heading up top probably tipped you off...

So if you click here you should be able to see and download my color coded Fall TV 2011 spreadsheet! It's nothing super fancy but it's got all the network shows on it and you'll get a glimpse of what shows I'm going to be watching this Fall!

Some things to remember -- I simply don't have time to watch everything and even though it looks like I do, I don't. So please don't give me a hard time if I'm not watching or recording a certain show. That being said, I love to talk about TV and tell you about it and well, being that I currently WORK on a TV show (coughcough watch The Finder when it premieres in January coughcough) you should totally feel free to chat with me about TV shows whenever you want.

I've been blogging here, predominantly about TV, for the past four years, and although a lot of my online work is now delegated to Tumblr, Huffington Post or HelloGiggles, I still do check in here on occasion with stories about the behind-the-scenes day-to-day of the television industry and also when I want to freak out over something. Also did you guys watch Up All Night? Second time watching the pilot and I loved, loved, LOVED! Thank goodness Will Arnett is finally on a show that seems to have a real chance of sticking around!

YAY! TV! Oh and in case that link didn't work for you, here's the spreadsheet again:

Sick... Again

2011-09-09T11:31:00.000-07:00

Anyone have any great tips for fighting off a cold? I feel like I ask this every three months and also like I know all the tips at this point, yet here I am again, feeling like SHIT.

Granted - I know it's my own fault after a 4 day wedding weekend and a long flight back to LA, but it's still summer in here! In fact, it's Indian Summer (is that offensive by the way? And what's the origin?) so the last thing I want is a nasty cold whilst I enjoy the heat.

I think I'm going to start ripping some Emergen C shots...

Zack and Kelly got married!

2011-09-08T16:43:00.000-07:00

You guys! Maine is the best place in the world. It really is. I am so lucky to have grown up there and to still be so incredibly close to all my friends who did as well.

So yes - I made it home last week, despite Hurricane Irene's attempts to delay me, and it was the most lovely trip, which was capped off with the one of the best weddings ever -- when my two dear friends Brett and Garrett, (who are, BTW, high school sweethearts -- hence the Saved By The Bell reference in the subject of this post, duh) got married.

It was incredible! Brett was BEAUTIFUL. I mean she's always beautiful but seeing one of your best friends look that beautiful and happy and in love? Well, let's just say I cried all day. Like ALL DAY. It's funny because I think some of my friends maybe thought it was because the enormity of the event had me missing my mom, but in reality, I think it was the profound emotional impact of watching someone I grew up with, someone who is like a sister to me, someone who I admire and adore and love and respect, have a day for her, a day to marry the guy who makes her the happiest in the world and God, are they happy!

Yes of course I wish my mom could have been there because she loved Brett and Brett's mom was one of her best friends, but I felt that she was there watching it all go down and crying along with me! Frankly, I think I was too touched by Brett and Garrett committing their lives to each other to really focus on anything else. I mean -- and I know I'm going to sound like a big sap here -- it really was beautiful. Brett's family loves her so much - she's the oldest of four and the only daughter and the relationship she has with her younger brothers is amazing -- inspiring really. Jesus, just writing about it right now has me tearing up again (although when I told my own brother about my endless waterworks, he responded with "Well, you did cry during cotton commercials when you were a kid"). And look, some of you might be thinking that crying at a wedding is totally normal -- which it is -- but like, holy shitballs I was losing it. I gave a reading during the ceremony, and my only goal was to not cry during that, which I made it through. But the rest? Nope. I think I lost 5 pounds in water weight! At one point at the reception some random friend of Brett's mom came up to me and said "your display of emotion was touching" which was really sweet but then I am pretty sure I turned three shades of red (well, I was really tan so maybe it wasn't that noticeable but trust me, I was blushing my face off).

Anyway. Zack and Kelly got married and it was the best wedding ever (granted I've been to like, four ever and this was the first I was ever in but WHATEVER). We were also maybe the most efficient and on-time bridal party ever. We were so on the ball I think at one point we were, like, 45 minutes ahead of schedule. As I said on my Twitter that morning, and later on in the trolley on the way to the ceremony -- we bridesmaided the SHIT out of that wedding!

Garrett isn't exactly open-eyed in this shot but I pulled it from Facebook as none of the official pics are up yet.

An Open Letter to Hurricane Irene

2011-08-25T11:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Hurricane Irene,

Do not fuck with me. I'm totally serious. You better get your fat ass away from the East Coast this instant, or at least by this time tomorrow. See, tomorrow I'm headed to Maine, my favorite place in the entire world, and if your meddling messes with my red eye flight through Philadelphia to the lovely state capital of Portland I will be SO PISSED.

That shit would NOT be cool, Irene. Not at all.

Just calm down, okay? Maybe wait until like September 6, after I'm back in LA, to really muck things up. Could you do that please?

And change your name. Irene makes me think of a woman with excessively long fingernails that are some putrid shimmery orange color and she keeps pictures of her cat at her cubicle at her job as an administrative assistant at a paper company.

Sincerely,
Stamos

A Man, A Plan, A BLOG!

2011-08-24T13:47:00.000-07:00

Okay so I think I have it figured out - by IT I mean this, blog, and how I am going to use it. I think this is the spot for my stories and personal anecdotes and where I can tell you guys about my job and how much I love it (I LOVE IT SO MUCH) and sometimes what I am wearing.

I'll leave the Tumblr for the occasional snark but mostly reblogs. Yep, I think that'll do.

SO UM today I am wearing a NEON HOT PINK shirt and these white shorts that have green flowers on them and sometimes I get NERVOUS that if I wear white shorts, no matter if I am not going to get my period for three weeks from now, I am getting my period. WHICH WOULD BE THE WORST. Boys, you wouldn't understand but this is a REGULAR fear for girls who wear white bottoms. TRUST ME.

I love my job mostly because I wear shorts and TOMS shoes almost every day and it's awesome. Okay fine I miss dressing up a teensy bit. But I still get to experiment with my wardrobe and that is my favorite and FUN FUN FUN!

I AM GOING TO MAINE ON FRIDAY! THIS FRIDAY! FOR TEN DAYS! COUNT 'EM! TEN! YOU NEED ALL TEN FINGERS!

2011-08-24T11:42:00.001-07:00

Expect one of these shortly.

Me? Assistant? NEVER AGAIN

2011-08-24T11:31:00.000-07:00

The Co-EPs' assistant is out of town this week, so I'm covering for her.

That means, I am being an assistant again. Did you guys know that being an assistant kind of SUCKS? Like bigtime? I mean I love the Co-EPs so much (and no big deal but they used to run the room at Friday Night Lights so I have to fight off a panic attack of excitement every time I talk to one of them) and it's totally easy for me to cover for their regular assistant but in general, being an assistant is just kind of annoying as shit.

All in all, this is good motivation for me to get my shit together and write my face off the next few months so I can land an agent when The Finder wraps. There's no way I am going back to the world of assisting. NEVER AGAIN!

The Walking Dead

2011-08-11T11:15:00.000-07:00

Man, I already fucked up. Was going to be keeping my TV commentary over HERE but then it ended up on Tumblr... okay WHATEVS just know that I weighed in on all this public discussion over the creative direction and writing on The Walking Dead. You can read about it here.

Tumblr vs. Blogger

2011-08-10T12:03:00.000-07:00

So I had all these grand plans that the Tumblr was going to be just my lazy man's blog for when I have quick stuff on the go and want to reblog other people etc, and then THIS here Jaw Wired Shut would remain for personal anecdote/TV talk but I've clearly been slacking in the latter and have been all up on the former.

But my INTENTION is to be better. But this is really just another reminder for you that while I am not posting on the reg here (at the moment, this won't last forever, I promise) I am much better at my tumblr: http://stamos.tumblr.com/

But hold a moment because I've got some stories on the way... HERE. I AM BLOGGING ABOUT THEM HERE! I PROMISE!

Not At Comic Con (Again!)

2011-07-20T19:21:00.000-07:00

So - remember last year when all of us who weren't at Comic Con commiserated with our #notatcomiccon tweets? Well, we're doing it again, you guys! (So far, we = me, but you know you want to.)

Here are some BREAKING NEWS STORIES I have so far, from DAY ONE of Not At Comic Con:

- I thought I lost a golf cart earlier.

- I did not lose a golf cart.

- I had three cups of coffee today.

- I'm really tan.

- MY FUCKING FACE IS PEELING.

- Coffee makes me poo.

- Molasses cookies are DELICIOUS.

- Most people do not enjoy molasses cookies.

- I am jealous of my nail polish. If that is possible.

Fascinating stuff, isn't it? And get excited, because we've got THREE MORE DAYS of this! I KNOW - this is just as fun as putting on a Stormtrooper helmet and getting freaky with an Ewok.

Ladies Who Sweat

2011-07-19T17:42:00.000-07:00

YOU GUYS. I think this Jezebel writer is my BFF soulmate. SHE WROTE A POST ALL ABOUT SWEATING! PROFUSE SWEATING!

(Apparently I need someone to write a post about PROFUSE CAPS LOCKS).

Anyway. I sweat a lot and it's just REALLY nice to see someone else sharing that they do too.

That's all.

Oh yeah. This blog.

2011-07-05T23:20:00.000-07:00

I realized just now I've been MIA on Jaw Wired Shut since I wrote about my new jobby. SORRY YOU GUYS. THE FOUR OF YOU WHO CARE.

You should know that when I am not here I am just blowing shit up on Tumblr and Twitter and if I had access to real fireworks I would blow up so much real shit it's not even funny.

Oh and yeah you get the whole "new job so I'm busy as bonkers" thing, right?

I'm still in the process of figuring out how I am going to move/combine all my stuff or what purpose JWS is going to serve from heretoforehenceforth (like just TV stuff? Just stuff about ME? The random shit I post is kinda more up on Tumblr now... ugh it's SO HARD being a 21st Century Interwebby Girl you know? Just kidding someone punch me for saying that) and for you regular readers I do care about what you like to read here. SO TELL ME, DAMMIT! (For realz, leave a comment and tell me what you want more of/less of or if you, like me, have also hopped aboard the Tumblr train).

P.S. My goodbye letter from Le Old Job is up here.

New Beginnings! (Featuring Runon Sentences, Digressions, and Excessive Use of Caps Lock)

2011-06-21T16:12:00.000-07:00

Exciting news YOU GUYS! I got a new job! And for the first time in my Hollywood career I can actually publicly talk about where I am working which is a big weight off my shoulders. (And I guess I can tell you guys about my current/soon-to-be-old-job as well? More on that to come...)

So, what am I doing? Well, in case you didn't catch it on Twitter yesterday, or you weren't aware from the evolution of this blog (aka my recent descent into tumblr), I've finally decided that I want to really make a go at a career as a TV writer (no not a TV blogger - and I love all those of you who do, but it just ain't my cup of tea). This spring I brushed up my sample (it's a half hour comedy pilot about crazy chicks in their 20s - think a lot of my stories from when I first lived out in LA) and sent it around and got help from all the amazing executives I currently work with, and some of my agent friends...

Now let me tell you, getting a writing job in this town is NOT easy. Far from it. To get a staff writer job you need an agent or manager - which I do not have (yet) - and to get a Writers Assistant job (which is often like a baby writer) you either need to have already been a PA on the show or know someone on the show or be related to someone on the show or like sell your soul or give up your firstborn or something... so that didn't happen either (even after I had the president of the studio putting in calls for me. For real. PRESIDENT OF THE STUDIO. THIS IS A MAN WHO REPORTS TO RUPERT MURDOCH. Calling people. Telling them to hire me. And then... crickets... It is HARD you guys).

A few weeks ago I didn't think it was going to happen. I had sort of waved off this staffing season as my first real try and my boss and I had started to brainstorm how we'd try to get me onto a cable or show or at least an agent or manager, both of us thinking that I gave it my best and that was that. But then, finally, FINALLY, I got a bite!

After a great interview with the amazing Co-EPs (um, who used to be on Friday Night Lights by the way... Yes, FNL YOU GUYS! AKA MY FAVORITE SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF SHOWS! LIKE THEY WERE SO CLOSE TO TIM RIGGINS. TIM RIGGINS!) and lots of help and support from some writers and studio executives I was offered the great gig of Writers PA on the new Fox show The Finder, which, for those who don't know, is a loose spinoff of the show Bones! And as of next Monday, I'm starting over in the writers offices on the Fox lot.

So that's pretty damn cool. I'm stoked. The writing staff Hart Hanson has hired (he's the showrunner) is AMAZING (including my friend Aaron Ginsburg, who was so kickass in helping me get this gig/figure out how to make this transition to becoming a full-time TV writer/listen to my regular existential crises) and I'm going to be working with and learning from some of the best writers in this town - I'm super-duper excited and a little bit pee-my-pants nervous. I mean, making the jump from the corporate world to the non-corporate world is SCARY (I think I'm already driving Hart's assistant nuts with my endless questions. And I'm showing a lot of restraint too! I swear!). But hey - I want to be a writer and this is how it goes - no more corporate stability for me!

Seriously though, I'm so excited to just learn the ins and outs of a show from the side of the show (as opposed to the studio side) - and really excited that I get to be around smart, creative, and talented people all day (seriously, did you guys see that Josh Friedman is a consulting producer on the show? I watched his pilot Locke and Key last night and it was so damn good... I mean, I am going to be around these insanely talented scribes everyday!). I can't wait to just soak in the smartness. (I'm just gonna sit back and soak it all in like I do the sun. And I'm really damn good at soaking in the sun. I mean, I have tanorexia, that is how good I am).

But never fear, my loyal readers (seriously, there are a bunch of you who I don't know personally but have been reading my shit for going on five years now, and, that means so much to me) - when I can I'm going to continue to work on my own stuff. I mean shit, if I've gone almost four years of balancing all the outside writing on top of the corporate jobs, then this is going to be so exciting to actually be at a place where "I'm a writer" is the norm. Even better, I've started the process of meeting with managers and have had some agents helping me out, so hopefully by the end of the show's wrap I'll be in a position to really get out there for pilot and staffing seasons. Additionally I'm working on two features (one with my dear friend Sarah, aka Twitter's shinyunicorn), have a great plan for a comedy book, and will continue to post to HelloGiggles, CulturePop and the Huffington Post. Oh and I have a whole bunch of new TV pilots in the can, including a project I am obsessed with that's about badass lady stoners (seriously. Just go with it).

So, please go check out the "backdoor pilot" of The Finder here, and I'll definitely be sure to keep everyone in the loop about when the show premieres and what I am up to and all that jazz! BUT NO SPOILERS. You guys KNOW how I feel about spoilers. I don't like 'em and I don't give 'em!

I'll do a post on my current gig some point later this week. I'll tell you all about the studio I work at and the shows I've been working on (hint: "When you're a spy...") and show pics of the ridiculous wrap gifts we've gotten over the years and the fun stuff like that. It's a little bittersweet to leave but only because I love my boss here SO MUCH (I seriously get teary-eyed thinking about leaving him), but he's so supportive and wants me to go off and do my thing and spread my wings and all that jazz... so off I go!

I think one of my favorite parts about all this is now I get to dress like a schlub. I'm sure at some point I'll miss wearing all my bright dresses, skirts and fancy tops, but oh my god I am going to be able to wear hoodies and sparkly TOMS and no make-up and even shorts... like EVERYDAY. NO MORE HIGH HEELS!

THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST EVER!

Parks and Recreation Bloopers

2011-06-20T18:35:00.000-07:00

You should stop whatever you are doing and take 15 minutes of your life to enjoy these bloopers from one of the funniest shows on TV.

Conan Wins Dartmouth Graduation

2011-06-13T12:57:00.001-07:00

"Gotta love California in this day and age."

2011-06-13T12:56:00.000-07:00

I got pulled over just after I got off the 405 freeway onto Santa Monica Blvd this morning.

I knew, instantly, it was because my registration sticker was for last year (ironically just a few weeks ago our building manager asked me to put my current registration on it, but I couldn't find my 2011 sticker, only my 2010, so that's the one I had on the car. Because I'm an idiot and figured being one year behind was better than two).

Now before I continue, you should know two things:

(1) My car smells like pot

(2) My strategy for dealing with police officers has always been to play dumb

We pull over to the side of Sepulveda and I roll down the window and it goes a little something like this:

Cop: "Did you know your registration is expired ma'am?"

Me: "Oh yeah, actually it's not I just don't have the sticker on it."

Cop: "Oh okay that's fine just let me see your license and registration then."

So I start to rifle around my glove compartment and I'm taking forever.

Cop: "Okay where's the marijuana."

Me: "Huh?"

Cop: "The marijuana. I'm going to need to see it."

Me: "Oh yeah sure. Oh I have a card."

Cop: "Okay I'm going to need the marijuana and the card."

So I hand those over - meanwhile I have taken out ALL the papers in my glove box and am going through them one by one to try to find my registration.

Cop: "Do you have your doctor's note?"

Me: "Huh?"

Cop: "Your doctor's note - the certificate. You need to carry that with you."

Me: "Oh really? Oh I didn't realize that I need both. Okay I keep that safe at my house."

Cop: "Well start carrying it with you from now on."

He hands me back the weed and the card. He then looks at my license. I'm still looking for my registration.

Cop: "How long have you lived in California?"

Me: "A little while now."

Cop: "Why don't you have a California license?"

Me: "Oh I spend a lot of my time in Maine for work. I still have a home there."

Cop: "Where do you spend most of your time?"

Me: "California."

Cop: "I'll be right back. You keep looking."

So he walks back to his car holding my license - and I throw my pot on the passenger seat while I'm still rifling through those papers. Finally I find it - sure enough I am registered for 2011 and have my sticker stapled to the form. I poke my head out the window and wave at him.

Me: "Heeeey! I found it!"

Cop: "Okay I'll be right there."

Me: "Can we put the sticker on it now?"

Cop: "What's that?"

Me: "Let's put the sticker on now!"

Cop: "Just a moment ma'am."

So after a few minutes he comes back to my window and grabs the registration and then he walks away again.

I send a few emails - first to my boss just to give him the heads up I got pulled over and am going to be late. I look in the mirror at one point and see that the cop is making his way back.

Cop: "I put your sticker on your car but this is a verbal warning that you need to keep your doctor's note on you for your marijuana at all times and you need to get a California license."

Me: "Okay do I just like call the DMV?"

Cop: "Yes you call them up and take a test?"

Me: "Is it hard?"

Cop: "It's just a standard written test ma'am."

Me: "Okay cool I'll do that."

Cop: "It's really important you do. The California laws are different from the Maine laws."

Me: "Okay I guess I can have two licenses?"

Cop: "Yes you can. But if you're in California you need to get that California license."

Me: "Okay well thank you."

Cop: "Do you need me to help get you back to the freeway?"

Me: "Oh ah, huh, no I'm going to work. I got it. Thanks man."

Cop: "You have a good day now."

And off he went and I drove away and started laughing like a crazy person.

Because, well, REALLY?

First of all the dude told me I could have two licenses - is that even real? I'm pretty sure it's not. Secondly, I am so thankful I have a marijuana card because it was truly an insane experience where this drug, that for so long has been associated as WRONG and BAD and ILLEGAL that I had in my car was LEGAL and he couldn't do anything about that. Like this dude actually had to hand me back my little canister of medical-grade marijuana. That was surreal.

I also think it helped that I was playing dumb and that I was pretty calm about the whole thing - I mean of course I was calm, because I knew that outright, I had done nothing illegal (sure you could find some legal grey areas in there, but that worked out to my benefit I guess). Don't get me wrong - I mean deep down I was freaking out that I was going to be fined a SHIT TON of money between the license, the registration and not having my doctor's certificate on me but I really did keep my shit together.

Speaking of keeping my shit together, I mean I wonder what was going through this cop's head when I rolled down my window and he sees this chick he has to deal with - like this dumbass girl who is driving a car that smells like weed - and like OF COURSE she has a registered car but with the wrong sticker on it and OF COURSE she thinks she needs to keep her doctor's note for her pot at home. Like what a dumb fucking white girl stoner. I mean I probably pose the least danger to society ever. But at the same time? That cop could have just FUCKED me over. Not only did he let me go with a verbal warning but he changed my registration sticker for me. I didn't have to lift a finger.

Moral of this story is if you live in a state where pot is legal/decriminalized and you think you're ever going to have it on you in a public place you ABSOLUTELY should do what you can to get a card. I was so thankful that at that moment, everything I was doing was within the parameters of the law. (Ignoring the legal grey areas like - shouldn't the cop have known that you technically need a CA license to even get a pot card? I mean when I got my card I proved my residency by showing my lease, but he could have nailed me on that - whatever I am getting my CA license ASAP, that's for sure).

The other thing I learned here, is that despite the generally bad rep, there actually appear to be cops in LA who recognize when someone's just a dumbass who can't get her shit together. I mean let's be honest, I spend most of my life at work. And when I am not at work I am trying to capitalize on that fact by either writing, or sleeping or working out or watching TV so you're probably not going to find me at the DMV taking care of shit. Or maybe what they say is true and he let me off so easily because I'm a girl and I was calm and polite and kinda dumb. Who knows. I'm incredibly lucky, that's for sure. And incredibly stupid, if we're being honest about the whole thing (and clearly, we are).

When I told my boss the story this morning he was like, "trust me when I was your age and I had a story that included - 'and then the police officer could smell my weed' - it would have gone a very different way. Gotta love California in this day and age."

Hot Jam: "Gucci Gucci" by Kreayshawn

2011-06-08T12:09:00.000-07:00

Get to know this badass chick:

and then!

2011-06-02T16:59:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I've mentioned it here but I'm going to be doing weekly posts for the totally darling new website HelloGiggles. You can check out all my work at my author bio/archive.

While I travel I definitely won't be blogging on the go, but I'll probably pop in at my tumblr or Twitter from time to time.

Happy College to ME!!!!!!!!

To Middlebury I go!

2011-06-02T16:54:00.000-07:00

Hey all, so I am so super duper insanely excited right now. Like take my normal levels of excitement and ADD A LOT TO THAT. See, I'm so super duper insanely excited because tonight I'm on a Red Eye to VERMONT where I am going back to Middlebury for my five year college reunion. It will be my first time back at my beloved Alma mater since I graduated!

Here are I am being a dumb drunk asshole in college.

I wonder if I am going to cry being back on such sacred ground. I think I am probably just going to get really drunk and run around and hug buildings and stuff.

Franchement, Bradley Cooper, I'm in love with you

2011-06-01T18:10:00.000-07:00

I've posted this everywhere at this point, and I've been watching it on loop for the past five hours, so why not spread the love here? Right? RIGHT!

Remember when he was just Will on Alias???

Obsession of the Week: Maine & Mason Jars

2011-05-25T16:07:00.000-07:00

So I've totally become a Tumblr slut. You guys I hate this but it is SO much easier than Blogger (translate: good for lazy people). And obviously we're seeing the effects of that here as I am blogging less and less.

One of the best parts about Tumblr is the organic way you discover new blogs that you think you probably never would have found elsewhere. Like Maine & Mason Jars.

I mean I don't know who this site belongs to but I swear to God, it's like they made it for me. As I type this there is a picture on the site of an adorable black lab puppy. Hello to my future pet. I mean. WOW. MAINE AND MASON JARS. God I love it.

So yeah - this is also another reminder to check in with me over at Tumblr.

THE MUPPETS!

2011-05-23T13:14:00.000-07:00

Finally! The trailer for the new Muppets movie!

My favorite of these remains The Great Muppet Caper - I look forward to seeing if this one matches up.

I mean, who hasn't had an exclamation point band?

2011-05-18T11:58:00.000-07:00

The Harvard Sailing Team does it again - this time, they take on HIPSTERS:

This may as well be a parody of half of my friends. Dammit. Also !!! is a real band. And they are good. And pronounced "Chk chk chk."

Ugh I hate myself.

Previously: Besties with Testies

the most wonderful tiiiiiiiiime of the yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaar

2011-05-18T11:06:00.000-07:00

I'm having an identity crisis. Do I post here, or do I post at tumblr? I'm thinking I really should be combining the two, but until then, I might be doing some re-posts and duplicate posts and who knows what. SO JUST BEAR WITH ME YOU GUYS, OKAY?

So, over at my tumblr I just geeked out over TV pilots - I've been getting a bunch of the new shows already this week and hoping that the pilot library at work only increases as the week progresses. I'll provide comments here or on tumblr or Twitter as they come to me. (And when appropriate - watched a pilot last night I was NOT supposed to have so I'm remaining tight-lipped on some). I don't want to spoil any shows, and as I'm not ACTUALLY a critic I'm not going to give reviews either - just my opinions! YOU KNOW I'M GOOD AT THAT! Oh and because it's my biggest pet peeve when the clips networks release are the worst ever at conveying the actually strength of a pilot, for any of those shows with trailers that make them look shitty, I'm for sure going to encourage you to watch. Like Bent, for example (just go read my tumblr post and you'll get it).

But yeah, I love pilots. I love TV. It's this time of year when I remember why I moved out to LA in the first place, and am so very thankful that I did!

OKAY JUST KIDDING! I LIKE TITS!

2011-05-16T15:37:00.000-07:00

UPDATE!!!

I changed my mind! The word tits is kind of fun. I think I like it now. I'm creating a new tag for tits. But only when referencing things that are not actually tits (again, ew and no). Just things that ARE the tits. Like Instagram (see previous entry). Or Seth Meyers. He's totally the tits. Love that guy. Seth Meyers is the tits you guys!

Instagram is THE TITS

2011-05-16T15:33:00.000-07:00

Okay actually I am not a fan of the word "tits."

Just like, as a LADY - it's not all that pretty. And it's not how I like to refer to that portion of my girlie parts. I'd rather go with breasts or boobs or YOU KNOW WHAT? This is not about me and what I call my girlie parts! This is just me gushing over my newest obsession - Instagram. Because while I don't enjoy saying "tits" in the breast-referencing way, I do enjoy calling things "the tits" when they are awesome. And Instagram is the tits.

You guys are using it right? I mean, if you have an iPhone and you don't have Instagram you are a DUMBFACE (I'm recently obsessed with the word dumbface as well, introduced to me by my friend Susie. Who is not 8 years old. Huh. You'd think from my amazing vocab that I'm a pre-tween or something).

Anyway, Instagram is probably my favorite photo app out there and this is just like, my public love letter to Instagram. That's all. Super boring. Also: tits.

MY HEART ACHES WITH NOSTALGIA FOR MY YOUTH!

2011-05-13T14:26:00.001-07:00

OMG. This is the BEST THING EVER.

Honestly I think my favorite part might just be the VHS title card for Walt Disney Home Video.

On Cliff Bars and Lessons in Using the Mute Button

2011-05-11T12:31:00.000-07:00

One of the largest components of being an assistant in "the Biz" as they say (they being my grandparents and people who are very out of touch in the Midwest), is listening to phone calls.

What's that? You declare! You're still an assistant? I know, YOU GUYS, I know. I want to shake my head in pity too. But whatever, it's actually kind of the norm here and I do a LOT more than normal administrative stuff and I do all this social media stuff... and anyway before I go down the rabbit hole into that whammy of an existential crisis let's go back to the whole "listening-on-phone-calls" thing.

This morning I see that my boss is on a call (bosses: assistants don't like it when you place calls without them. See, we have very few areas of our professional lives we can control at this juncture, and dialing the goddamn phone is one of them) and I know it's about one of our shows and being the curious little lassie that I am (and knowing full well it's both accepted and expected that I listen to all calls, actually I probably should have been listening sooner...) I decide I will hop on the call to hear what's up.

Meanwhile: I'm eating breakfast. A Cliff bar, to be precise. (Blueberry Crisp - for those of you into gory details and energy bar porn and shit. Weirdos).

So I throw on my headset, pop in a chunk of my sad breakfast into my mouth and begin masticating the shit out of that Cliff bar. I mean - when you're eating a Cliff bar you need to chew the shit out of those things. Especially because the entire time you're convincing yourself that it's a good and normal breakfast and that yes you're totally going to feel full after eating!!!!! and to make you feel EVEN MORE FULL!!!!!! you just need to really chew the shit out of each and every bite you take!!!! YOU CAN DO IT! EMBRACE THE CLIFF BAR!!!!!

(So maybe I have some unresolved issues about Cliff bars... )

So Bossman and Networkman are talking. I'm chewing.

Now wait a minute and let's pause right there (I know what you're thinking and no there's not a real point and I might not ever get there. Deal with it). I want to talk about me and chewing for a moment. See, the name of this here blog is, for those of you who can't read (which by the way means someone is reading this aloud to you, so for that I am sorry, but also hope they know when certain words are to be screamed for extra emphasis), is Jaw Wired Shut - and if you'll recall, yes I've had my jaw wired shut. So when I chew you can actually kinda hear some clinking. Probably something to do with the seven plates of titanium in my face. ANYWAY.

So Bossman and Networkman are talking. I'm chewing. And I've joined the call.

I'm not on mute.

I'm NOT ON MUTE.

So next thing I know there is a very awkward pause in the conversation and a brief moment of silence in which it's quite clear that Bossman and Network man can hear someone chewing.

That's me: Hey guys. Just chewing the shit out of my Cliff bar directly into the microphone of my non-muted headset microphone. You're welcome!!!!

The good thing was, as soon as they awkwardly paused, I realized my mistake and flipped the mute button on like my life depended on it. But yeah. I just gnawed down with my metal mouth into the ears of two dudes discussing SRS BSNS. That's serious business, you guys. (Not what I actually did with the chewing and the non-muting. This is just a dumb story. SRS BSNS is an acronym for "serious business." Try to keep up, okay?)

Now, there's a way for my boss to see when someone's joined the call, so I'm thinking that as soon as he hangs up he's going to walk over to me and make fun of me, which is one of his favorite pastimes, but THEN -- THEN YOU GUYS -- the Networkman starts chewing. And Bossman CALLS HIM OUT ON IT. HA! HA! HAHAHAHAHA! We all chew on the phone! Admit it! How often are you eating while you're talking!? I do it, I know YOU DO IT TOO! In fact, I chew in my bosses ear all the time. He might not know it because usually it's muted but it happens.

So yeah that was a CLOSE CALL and then validating and fun and momentarily hilarious (whatever IT WAS FUNNY you had to be there, okay?) and I'm just glad that my cover was maintained but also seriously, Stamos, no mute button? What is this, amateur hour? I've been an assistant for like FOUR THOUSAND YEARS and that's one hell of a rookie mistake! ALWAYS USE THE MUTE BUTTON.

Yeah so I guess that's the moral of this story you guys: REMEMBER THE MUTE BUTTON. And also - Cliff bars aren't worth it. But Blueberry Crisp is okay.

Get Familiar with Holy Ghost!

2011-05-10T10:53:00.000-07:00

Holy Ghost! is definitely one of my favorite bands right now - last year I got to see them open for LCD Soundsystem, however it wasn't until their most recent album came out that I really fell in love. Check out the video for "Wait & See" and I highly recommend downloading the album. Oh - also, how could I NOT love a band that has an exclamation point it's title?

Holy Ghost! - Wait & See from DFA Records on Vimeo.

Is that Natalie Portman? No! It's an old Irish black man that we call Murphy Brown.

2011-05-09T10:49:00.000-07:00

You guys. Please tell me you are watching SNL these days. Sure it's funny sometimes and sometimes it's not but when Bill Hader does "Stefon" it's pretty much the funniest shit on TV. I think the fact that Hader is incapable of making it through the sketch without breaking character is probably the best part.

Check out the most recent Stefon sketch from Saturday's Tina Fey-hosted SNL:

So many new Stefonisms:

Murphy Brown

"fists like empenadas"

Jew Diamond Phillips

a Subway Sandwhich

Human Kite

My god this is good.

Social Media Stuff

2011-05-03T14:18:00.000-07:00

I'm still grappling with streamlining/combining my Tumblr and my blog - but in the meantime I'm definitely a little more active on the Tumblr, if only that it's the easiest blogging service to use, like, ever. It's like blogging for lazy people.

Today I've been engaging in a lot of talk about social media - from the role of social media in the Osama Bin Laden raid to the effective ways to build social media fan communities for TV shows. Be sure to check it out over at http://stamos.tumblr.com/.

'Glee' kinda sucks but "Fondue for Two" is AMAZEBALLS

2011-05-03T11:48:00.000-07:00

Ew. I just said AMAZEBALLS.

I don't watch Glee anymore. It kind of sucks. I mean it probably doesn't but I just sort of stopped caring and I only really kept watching it this year for John Stamos anyway.

But then they go and create this web series "Fondue for Two" and it's all about Brittany and it's seriously the best thing ever.

By the way, I bet Neva could totally outfat Lord Tubbington.

WE'RE NUMBER 1!

2011-04-26T15:15:00.000-07:00

YOU GUYS! THIS IS SO EXCITING! My beloved high school, where I spent some of the best years of my life with some of the BEST people I've ever known, is ranked number one on this Forbes list "The Best Schools for Your Real Estate Buck." I FEEL SO PROUD!

More Music!

2011-04-26T10:35:00.000-07:00

Every year after I get back from Coachella I spiral into a post-festival depression that involves me feeling stupid (I killed a lot of brain cells, okay?), listening to the same bands on repeat for hours on end, and endlessly researching other upcoming music festivals.

Okay it's not that bad - I'm just being dramatic you guys! GOSH. But okay I'm in a post-Coachella music craze and the Lollapalooza (is that the most 90s festival, or what?) lineup was announced today. And Tennis is playing! Tennis! You remember them, right? I've blogged about them before - I love them! I'm not sure how they'd be in the festival setting but I imagine I would have a damn good time... so yeah, while I should be working and writing and thinking about REAL things, here I am daydreaming about taking a trip to Chicago in late August...

Happy 420, I guess?

2011-04-20T10:00:00.000-07:00

Does anyone actually know the historical significance to 420 in stoner culture?

Or whatever. Watch this video:

Sports! Sports! Sports!

2011-04-11T17:22:00.000-07:00

I love myself a good sports rivalry, (obviously the Celtics-Lakers rivalry is my favorite) and I especially enjoy seeing celebrities get worked up. Why? Well, celebrities are like me, but prettier and have more money and can probably go to games whenever they want and can make fun videos just for the hell of it like this one:

GO RED SOX!

Someday I'll laugh. Right?

2011-04-11T16:36:00.000-07:00

Well it's that time of year again. The time when I am figuring out how much I'm spending on my Coachella weekend as I make my final preparations. The time when I am buying tickets to bridal showers and bachelorette parties for multiple brides-to-be. The time when I spend around $500 on tickets to return to my dear Alma mater where I'll be spending a weekend attempting to recreate college aka drink a lot of beer. The time when I realize I'm just digging my hole into Debtsville deeper and deeper. But it can't always be this way... right? Like someday I'll look back on my freakouts over spending money I don't have and just laugh... right? DEAR GOD THAT BETTER BE RIGHT.

On a related note - now accepting any and all suggestions for how to not spend any money in the next three days. Also accepting money for sexual favors! JUST KIDDING! BUT ALMOST NOT!

Also - you can tag this post WHITE PEOPLE PROBLEMS because I have NO business complaining. None. First of all, I do this to myself. Secondly, this is ridiculous. Thirdly, I am going to Coachella and to Middlebury - like I am spending money on FUN THINGS I WANT TO DO. So like, I'm an asshole.

New Music Video from Tennis, I Want To Go To There

2011-04-08T14:17:00.001-07:00

I want to fall into this music video. I love everything about Tennis - I mean I already did and then THIS! THIS MASTERPIECE!

Tennis - "Take Me Somewhere" from Ian Perlman on Vimeo.

I'm totally the WORST

2011-04-05T11:44:00.000-07:00

Okay. I'm not TOTALLY the worst but I've been super neglectful of the blog and it's NOT because I've been reading Sweet Valley Confidential for a week (when I actually sit down to it I imagine that book will take me, like, an hour to get through - it's really poorly written but WHATEVER). I've just been super duper busy you guys. Like so busy that for the first time in I don't know when I didn't do ANYTHING this weekend - like no writing, no job-related stuff, no nothing. It was delightful. But then yesterday came along and I freaked out because I felt like I wasn't doing ANYTHING. So now I am back to planning the 900 things I am going to be doing over the next few weeks. But most of that revolves around COACHELLA.

Which is why I have feathers in my hair.

Have I mentioned that? If you follow me on Twitter (which, frankly, is where the goods are at these days) then you are well aware. If no, then yes, I have feather hair extensions.

I'm wearing a swimsuit, okay? And try to spot the feathers - there are three of them.

You guys Coachella is like that one weekend of the year where I can just let my freak flag fly to the extreme which means I just want to be barefoot and dance in the grass and wear feathers in my hair and go totally OFF THE GRID for like 5 days. And it's less than two weeks away. HOLY HOTCAKES I AM EXCITED.

Oh yeah but the point of all this was that I'm going to be pretty shitty about blogging with Coachella coming up and me getting my busy thang on. And also because the site is going to be redesigned (VERY EXCITING!) but that's moving slowly because, well, it's me...

In the meantime, remember to follow the Twitter and even the Tumblr and I'll pop in here with anything REALLY important. Cool? Cool.

Sweet Valley Confidential

2011-03-29T15:04:00.000-07:00

I've gone into a Sweet Valley High blackhole over at my tumblr. Also - please do yourself a favor and check out the website for the new SVH book Sweet Valley Confidential. My favorite section is "Remember It!" where we are reminded that Lila Fowler was Jessica Wakefield's rival AND best friend." In other words - FRENEMIES.

Lila you were SUCH a bitch.

Does Tara Reid's Funny-or-Die video redeem Tara Reid?

2011-03-29T11:13:00.000-07:00

Okay. We all know Tara Reid. She used to party with the Hilton sisters, she had some botched plastic surgeries, she makes my tanorexia look like childs' play, and her best acting role was probably as Bunny in The Big Lebowski.

Speaking of, in this Funny or Die video Tara Reid plays all the characters in the fictional The Big Lebowski 2. Not only is it pretty funny, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say GOOD FOR YOU TARA REID! This may redeem you. In fact, I think it does.

See for yourselves:

The Big Lebowski 2 with Tara Reid from Tara Reid

Okay. What do you think? You know what. Don't answer that. Just fill out this poll. I KNOW! A POLL!

Dear Voldemort, You are like, the master of all evil. Can't you just make yourself a nose or something? You're ugly. Love, Stamos

2011-03-28T15:13:00.000-07:00

Seriously, bro. That's nasty. Just like, try? Okay?

Source: Vulture

(Yes that's the first official poster for the final Harry Potter film, highlighting Voldemort's lack of nose).

this is literally my worst nightmare

2011-03-28T10:53:00.001-07:00

In Freak Accident, 34 Katherine Heigl Films Released At Once

Female Stoners in Pop Culture History

2011-03-24T11:14:00.000-07:00

Flavorwire's got a piece up about female stoners in pop culture history - Jane from the movie Smiley Face makes the list, which reminds me that this might be my favorite movie to ever accurately capture the sensation of being high. Check out the preview below, and it's on instant Netflix so you should just go watch it. Even if you don't smoke pot, it's seriously hilarious.

What Exactly is a 'Social Media Expert?'

2011-03-24T10:36:00.000-07:00

Oftentimes when I'm talking to brands or individuals, or even just my co-workers in TV development, I'll start to wax poetic about being a 'Social Media Expert.' In fact, if you were to ask me what my dream job was, if it weren't writing TV shows and/or features, it'd be acting as the Social Media Expert at a TV network.

But what does that entail? What exactly is a Social Media Expert? I always tell people that it's an intense, round-the-clock gig, and there's no better way to explain it than with this infographic (click to enlarge):

Source: The Daily Infographic

Ellie Goulding

2011-03-22T18:41:00.000-07:00

One of the best parts about writing that SXSW piece for CulturePOP was that as a result, I myself was able to discover some new music. I'm totally loving Ellie Goulding, the UK sensation who's somehow still an unknown over here. Everything she does is amazing - I especially love the multiple remixed versions of her song "Lights" - but I'm totally blown away by her cover of Rihanna's "Only Girl in the World." You MUST listen:

Ellie Goulding - Only Girl (Rihanna Cover) by Pretty Much Amazing

Dear Future Husband

2011-03-22T15:46:00.000-07:00

HINT HINT

CulturePOP

2011-03-21T16:38:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned the new website I'm writing for? (Apologies again for that pesky short term memory if I have). I am going to assume no... so yay, I am writing for CulturePop.com which is all about "Ingredients for an Artful Life" or as I like to call it "A publication besides The Huffington Post that my family can be proud I write for."

I've done a batch of "Picks" pieces for them - but my most FAVORITE posted today - "Some of Our Favorite 80s Inspired Things." Not only did I get to plug my favorite hot pink lipstick but I got to share my love for the new Cut Copy album again.

Make sure you guys check out the post - and better yet, - subscribe to CulturePOP's regular newsletters!

Friday, Friday, Gonna Get Down on Friiiiiiidaaaaaaaaaaay

2011-03-18T15:05:00.000-07:00

Because I'm a good person, I'm not going to post that atrocious music video in which a 13-year-old wails about her inability to choose between sitting in the front or back seat.

I trust you know what I'm talking about. (If not, you have no business being on the internet. In fact, you should be ashamed of yourself).

Have a fantastic weekend, don't drink and drive, wear a helmet, wear deodorant, don't let the bed bugs bite, and all that jazz.

Toodles.

The Strokes' New Album Now Streaming

2011-03-16T11:18:00.000-07:00

great album cover, no?

Music fans! You can stream the new album Angles from The Strokes at their website. I love that the first song is called "Machu Picchu!" (Aw, Peru!) I'm psyched to see them at Coachella this year...

The fear of earthquakes is known as "Seismophobia" but I just call it "The Reason My Doctor Prescribes Me Xanax."

2011-03-11T15:07:00.000-08:00

Not to belittle what's happening in Japan right now, but I'm totally freaked out by the earthquake and again... what it means for LA and the chance of the BIG ONE happening and yes it's really horrible to make this about me but last night I started crying and I couldn't sleep so then I took a Xanax - which I am prescribed because of my fear of earthquakes (seriously, that's why Dr. G, my most favorite doctor in the world, has to give me anti-anxiety medicine because I've wound up in a routine physical crying on multiple occasions because I am just that scared of earthquakes) - and then I had a really weird dream in which I was hanging out with acclaimed television writer Jane Espenson and we had a meeting somewhere and Steven Spielberg gave us a ride but he was driving a batmobile and it was really weird, and when I woke up the tsunami was headed toward my backyard aka Venice Beach. But it's okay. I'm okay. Deep breaths. Not okay? The many people effected by the terrible wrath of Mother Nature.

My thoughts and prayers go out to all the people of Japan who are suffering right now. It's absolutely horrible and terrifying and so sad. Oh and I'm really glad that Maru is okay.

Trolls Now Look Like Sluts

2011-03-10T12:15:00.000-08:00

You guys remember trolls, right? Well check out what the NEW trolls look like:

Via The Hairpin

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

First of all, trolls are not only an American pastime, they are, in fact (and more traditionally), a Norwegian pastime.

I only know this because growing up my father did a lot of business with Norway and there were always Norwegians just like chillin' at my house with names like Bjorn and Peter-Bjorn and Bjorn-Bjorn and we always used to get trolls as gifts and they looked a lot more like the trolls I already played with (the ones on the left in the picture, duh), except a lot uglier. So, like, they ended up in our formal dining room in a weird diorama setting that served as an ode to my dad's foreign business. Or something.

So already, the Americanized version of the troll was just a lot prettier than the original Norwegian ugly/scary version (no offense to Bjorn, Peter-Bjorn or Bjorn-Bjorn). I don't even know how this Norwegian tchtochke ever transitioned to the United States, but it did, and man - trolls were awesome. I had a LOT of trolls. And I even recall going to a troll-themed birthday party. And remember the baby trolls? Those little fuckers were cute.

I remember playing with trolls with my friend Amy the day I found out my grandma died. I was so upset that Amy offered me one of her most beloved trolls (one of the ones with the gemstone in the belly-button, which was like, the MOST awesome) which is not only a sign of true friendship (yes, Amy remains one of my best friends today - and it's her birthday tomorrow, so this is all quite perfectly timed) but a sign of how awesome trolls were. I mean, if you think about it, it's totally weird, but it was just like, one of those phenomenons of the 90s (although apparently these trolls first came onto the scene in the 1960s? Who knew!?!).

So imagine my outrage when I discovered today that the look of the trolls has been updated. And what do they look like? Sluts. Trolls are now slutty.

Look, no one wants a slutty troll. Part of the joy of the troll doll is that it's ugly, yet somehow also cute. Like a Furby or a Chia Pet or certain breeds of dogs. Trolls are certainly are not slutty.

Speaking of slutty - apparently all these AMAZING toys and characters from our youth are being updated - and yes, they all look slutty. THIS. IS. BULLSHIT. I mean look at those trolls! I know the midriff-baring look is all hot in the fashion circles right now, but again, ON TROLLS - trolls who no longer have pudgy bellies and potato-sack clothes (if they were even wearing clothes) - they should not be wearing midriff-baring outfits. You know what? These trolls look like Bratz dolls. In other words - slutty and gross and inappropriate for children to be playing with.

In sum, I'm going to tell my dad to get me Bjorn or Peter-Bjorn or Bjorn-Bjorn on the phone because I vote we just get those nasty little Norwegian trolls over to America to show all these new slutty trolls what's up. Who's with me?

Rich Bitch

2011-03-10T10:52:00.000-08:00

This is probably a year or so overdue, but Die Antwoord has finally released a video for my favorite of their songs, "Rich Bitch." I was really looking forward to seeing what exactly YoLandi interpreted as "busy." Glad to see she can't answer the phone because busy = sitting on the toilet.

STAMOS! (Imagine me shaking my fist at the skies whilst screaming that)

2011-03-09T12:54:00.000-08:00

First of all, don't EVEN GET ME STARTED on these rumors that John Stamos might be replacing Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. Because that would be NOT OKAY. With me. Although it would make for a pretty good Stamos vs. Stamos...

Secondly, I've got a new "Stamos on Stamos" over at Zap2it - so check that out here.

Thirdly, I totally suck at blogging these days. I am blaming it on the fact that I left my Adderall at home the past four days. That's right, it's not MY fault, it's the DRUGS.

That's all for now!

Tchotchkes and Toys!

2011-03-02T16:48:00.000-08:00

I love tchotchkes.

First of all. It's a great word. Like, it's really weird. A really weird word that perfectly exemplifies what it means, you know? And I love it!

I love tchotchkes!

Well, not at home. At home I like everything crisp, clean and tchotchke-free. That's because, in my opinion, the ideal place for tchotchkes is at the office. I keep a whole bunch of tchtochkes at my office. And toys! I love toys. If I could get a Happy Meal every day just for the toy, I would. (I mean, I could, in theory, but that's disgusting, so it's only on rare occasions that I do. Like when the toy is REALLY good). So here's a glimpse at just a few of the tchotchkes that surround me (click to enlarge):

Mulder + Scully 4eva

Sometimes I huff my Pine Pillow! Just kidding! Not really!

I have to say, one of my favorite parts about working at a TV studio is that it's totally legit and not perceived as nerdy at all to have action figures on your desk. Okay, maybe it's a liiiiiiittle nerdy if it's a show you never worked on... so for, me The X-Files. But still... it's probably a lot more acceptable to have toys everywhere here than, say, if I worked in investment banking or something. HAHAHA. CAN YOU IMAGINE? ME? WORKING IN INVESTMENT BANKING???

What about you guys? What are some of your most cherished tchotchkes?

Oscars Schmoscars! This Charlie Sheen-Mel Gibson-Christian Bale Mega Rant is Better Than Anything Franco Was Smoking Last Night

2011-02-28T12:10:00.000-08:00

Oscars Schmoscars. AMIRIGHT? I mean, Charlie Sheen is way more exciting to talk about this fine Monday morning. (Although, new to my bucket list, just after "smoke pot with Snoop Dogg" I have added "smoke pot with James Franco" - bro appeared to be high as a kite during the show. For that matter, it seemed like everyone was on drugs at the Academy Awards. As long as this doesn't escalate to a city full of Charlie Sheens, rock on Hollywood, rock on).

Christian Bale, who, to this day, I like to think of singing about Santa Fe with a kerchief round his neck in Newsies, won an Oscar last night. Immediately afterward everyone in my living room started screaming "GOOD FOR YOUUUU." See? Twitter evidence:

But more exciting than my own self-congratulations at an easy joke would be this superb mega rant featuring the angry screams not only of Oscar winner Christian Bale, but of Oscar winner Mel Gibson, and HOPEFULLY NEVER AN OSCAR WINNER Charlie Sheen (very NSFW btw):

Thanks to the brilliant Editors/Clip-makers at FilmDrunk for this gem. The best part is definitely Christian Bale's crazy "La da da da da da" on repeat with the Nick Nolte (or is that Gary Busey? I honestly can't tell the two apart at this point) and Alec Baldwin soundbites.

Just Because

2011-02-25T17:06:00.000-08:00

This is pretty much a picture of me and my friends. So, like, NBD.

Cats Quote Charlie Sheen

Glitter, Unicorns and James Van Der Beek

2011-02-25T14:34:00.000-08:00

Good God. KE$HA.

You just keep bringing it! Hit after hit after hit! And now you've just like, BLOWN MY MIND! This new video for your song "Blow" - which, by the way, I'm a HUGE fan of - is just seriously epic. I mean. Look at it. LOOK AT THIS VIDEO! With DAWSON OF DAWSON'S CREEK himself! AND UNICORNS. MOTHER FUCKING UNICORNS! And did I mention the LASER BEAMS OF RAINBOWS!?!

My God. This is fantastic.

This is my M.O. Pretty Much.

2011-02-25T12:15:00.000-08:00

thank you someecards

Talking Firefly

2011-02-22T16:27:00.000-08:00

So you guys know how I love Firefly - right? (Right.) Well I'm putting that love to use (okay, along with all that other stuff I do like consulting and social media marketing and branding and what not) over in this piece from NewTeeVee:

"Sorry, Firefly Fans, But Nathan Fillion Can't Bring it Back"

Now before all the Whedonites out there stone me for the reality check - I'd love to see this show come back in any way shape and form (frankly I'd hope that Joss Whedon would be at the helm) but just knowing the way television studios work I really think this is one hell of a long shot. Then again, as I told Liz at NewTeeVee, if any fandom can do something so unprecedented, it would be this one!

Why I Love Celine Dion, Pt. 10

2011-02-17T11:13:00.000-08:00

You guys. Yesterday, we here at Jaw Wired Shut (we being me, but whatever) witnessed a miracle. Yes, a miracle! And of monstrous proportions, no less!

Yesterday, Wednesday February 16th, 2011 was akin to the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. Or the Talking Heads reunion. Or the Arrested Development movie.

Yesterday, Celine Dion returned to Las Vegas:


She's a Goddamned Mother Theresa. (Source: Just Jared)

That's right. My favorite alien in all the world makes a glorious return to Caeser's Palace for a two year stint performing at the Colosseum.

Do you know what this means? Like, do you understand the lasting implications this has on my life? If you're familiar with my "Why I Love Celine Dion" series, then yes you are. But what you may not know is that I have never seen her in concert (cue gasp of shock!) - partially out of fear that I would pass out from a mixture of excitement and supreme secondhand embarrassment, but mostly because I just haven't had the chance yet - and now, NOW, is the time. There are no excuses. I have two years to get my ass to Caeser's Palace and see this woman sing a song for a Ford car and pump her chest and perform a goddamn spectacle and maybe, if I'm lucky, tell a few stories about Canada or her weird-looking husband. MY GOD. This is it. Celine Dion, it's happening. EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING!

Gettin Slizzerrred

2011-02-16T14:20:00.001-08:00

Hi there. In case you ever wanted to know what I look like when I'm really, really drunk, I think this baby does a good job of setting up the scene:

I LOVE TACO (this post is actually less dirty than it sounds, I swear)

2011-02-15T17:44:00.000-08:00

Okay. So you may be familiar with this show The League. It's on FX, and like many other FX shows, I LOVE IT. I fucking love it so much that it's one of my favorite current TV shows and I ranked it as one of my Top 10 TV shows of 2010. My favorite character would be Taco for a variety of reasons, but mostly because he smokes out of a unicorn bong and learned how to notarize things and says stuff like "I have a mental erection."

And now, Jon Lajoie, the actor who plays Taco has released a delightfully hilarious music video set to a song called "Very Super Famous" which as my friend Jack mused, is totally ringtone worthy. Check it out:

Okay now a pressing issue: is Jon Lajoie single? Does anyone have this intel?

The Reverse Moonlighting Curse

2011-02-11T15:41:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I referred to the television show Bones as maybe suffering from the "Reverse Moonlighting Curse." As I explained - The Reverse Moonlighting Curse is simple really: wherein a TV show goes to shit when the main couple DON'T hook up. See: X-Files S9, etc.

You picking up what I'm putting down? (Also - a Twitter follower called it the Reverse Lobster, referencing that bit on Friends when Phoebe tells Ross and Rachel they're each others' lobsters - who mate for life. But the Reverse Lobster sounds like an awkward sexual position so I'm sticking with the Reverse Moonlighting Curse or RMC, and I think they'd be like, two different things in this lame pop culture TV speak anyway).

Okay to bring this back to me (because that's how we roll here) and not to like, get all annoying "young woman in her late-20s starts to freak out about approaching 30 as a SINGLETON" on you guys, but you know what I realized? If my life were a TV show, it would be awesome. Let me try that over: If my life were a TV show, and I were the main character (duh), then I'd like to think I'm currently suffering from the Reverse Moonlighting Curse. Ya feel me???

Like, I just wanna say: Mr. Showrunner (God?), just put me together with my Future Husband already before this all goes downhill! You know what I'm talking about - my One True Love, who you are just keeping apart from me, for nonsensical reason after nonsensical reason - can't we just do it already? Before this plotline gets so drawn out that no one cares anymore?"

Well thank God my life isn't a TV show, RIGHT? Because there will be no curses or vexes or lobsters (ironically, I dislike shellfish)! There's only great times ahead! RIGHT? RIGHT!!!??

(This is why I'm single?)

Editorial Note: I first sent this over an IM to my roommate - the oft blogged about DiTonto - who's immediate response was: "but you want a lobster!" Which made me realize, that I need to not make this about me (SO HARD TO DO SOMETIMES), because really, the notion of the Reverse Moonlighting Curse is that a story suffers when two characters, so obviously in love, are prevented from consummating that love at all costs, and to no end, and so much so, that the quality of the storytelling has degraded so much that people lose interest - and as we're all narcissists, myself especially so, I'll never lose interest in my own love life! So I guess, what I should be thinking here is, thank GOD my life isn't a TV show!

A Fond Farewell to FNL

2011-02-08T12:06:00.000-08:00

I'm so incredibly sad to say goodbye to my favorite show on television, Friday Night Lights, tomorrow. I'm sure you'll hear much from me before and after the episode airs, but until then I urge you to check out James Poniewozik's piece at Time:

Just as HBO's crime-drama masterpiece The Wire was a searing vision of what is wrong with America, Friday Night Lights has been a clear-eyed, full-hearted tribute to what is right with it.

OMG! Black Shatter Nail Polish!

2011-02-08T11:12:00.000-08:00

Damn you, Katy Perry. I try so hard not to like you and then you create a nail polish line with OPI that includes a color called "Black Shatter" that LITERALLY SHATTERS ON YOUR NAIL AND ALMOST LOOKS LIKE TIE-DYE.

I mean that is GENIUS. And made for ME. I can't wait to get "Teenage Dream" and put Black Shatter over it. OMG OR MAYBE I WILL PAINT EVERY NAIL A DIFFERENT COLOR AND THEN PUT BLACK SHATTER ON THEM ALL! The possibilities are endless, you guys!

My favorite part of the video is when the host lady talks about "working in a conservative office environment." HAHAHAHAHA MAN. What's that like?

Why I Will Watch 'The Chicago Code'

2011-02-07T15:44:00.000-08:00

Tonight you can catch the premiere of the new Fox drama The Chicago Code. Have you heard of it? Did you watch the Super Bowl yesterday? Are you an idiot? If you answered yes to the first two questions and no to the third, then you know what I'm talking about.

Based on the advertising, and what I can gleam from the various trailers, teasers, and promos that have been filling the airwaves recently, I don't know that this would normally be a show that screams "must-see TV" for me (Why? Cops. Not really into shows about cops). However, there are three reasons I will watch The Chicago Code:

(1) It's a pilot. I always like to watch pilots. I almost always watch the first episode of any show. Even if I don't think I will like it. Okay so maybe I didn't watch the pilot of Shit My Dad Says but that was out of principal. But Blue Bloods? Not a show I would typically watch, and truthfully, that's a pilot I never watched until I was on a plane last week. But that show is GOOD.

(2) Matt Lauria. Also known as Friday Night Lights' very own Luke Cafferty, who is just an outstanding actor, and is one of The Chicago Code's regular cast members. And he's pretty nice to look at. And yeah, FNL. I'll probably watch anything that anyone from FNL is in from now on. (Except for Off the Map. Sorry Zach Gilford - I tried, I really did).

(3 - and this is the MOST important) Middlebury. I know you're thinking: um, Stamos? It's called The Chicago Code, not The Middlebury Code (which on a side note, could be a gripping CW drama about like, the ubiquitous dress code of polo shirts, Patagonia fleeces and gray New Balance kicks and the one student who dares to mix things up by maybe NOT popping his collar). But get this - the show's creator - Shawn Ryan (The Shield, The Unit, Terriers) - is one of Middlebury's most notable alums. Also an alum: me. (Less notable, but relevant, here okay?) So obviously I'm going to support any Middlebury alum (related - I'm apparently the co-president of the Los Angeles Chapter of Middlebury Alumni, a fact that entertains me to no end) and get real excited by my distant association with The Chicago Code. I mean, if at the end of every episode of a TV show I get to see MIDDKID pop up on my screen then I'm happy:

Screengrabbed from Hulu - hence the buffering.

Also? I'm going to watch the show because apparently it's really, really good. So that's something else to consider.

What about you? Will you be catching the premiere of The Chicago Code tonight? Did you know that Shawn Ryan went to Middlebury? Did you know that Middlebury has the same mascot as FNL's Dillon Panthers? Wait - before you answer that, did you know that Middlebury is actually a FOUR YEAR college in Vermont that is, kind of like, AWESOME? (Yes there's a need to insert FOUR YEAR college because I cannot tell you how many people in LA seem to think Midd is some community college in Fresno or something...)

Celtics-Sponsored Dunkin Donuts Cups

2011-02-07T11:38:00.000-08:00

My friend Ryan McGee emailed me a picture of a Celtics-branded Dunkin Donuts coffee cup. Which is awesome:

I want.

But also it's kind of like the biggest "fuck you" to Celtics fans in Los Angeles. Why is that? Once again, THERE ARE NO DUNKIN DONUTS IN LA.

the Spring "Fashion Trends" for 2011 are really just the evolved versions of my outfits at age 10

2011-02-03T18:28:00.000-08:00

Look. I was practically wearing Lilly Pullitzer as I came out of the womb.

I don't wear Lillys with the frequently I once did - but you can definitely look at my current style and sense of style and see that it all stems from the colors and ideas of the fashion I grew up wearing - from Lilly to LL Bean.

So what does that look like? What has my style evolved too? Pretty much everything on this picture I've grabbed from WhoWhatWear.com - apparently my hybrid look is about to get a lot more visibility (click to enlarge):

I dig. What do you think?

Keyboard Cat's long awaited return!

2011-02-03T17:37:00.001-08:00

In a Banksy spoof... sort of...

Every NBA Slam Dunk Contest Video Visualization

2011-02-03T12:54:00.000-08:00

Basketball fans - head over to Hoopism for this insane video visualization of every slam dunk from every slam dunk contest.

FOMO, the Fear of Missing Out

2011-02-02T11:12:00.000-08:00

I'm kicking off 2011 (yes, a month late, but whatever) on the Huffington Post with a blog under the comedy vertical. Check out FOMO, the Fear of Missing Out and let me know what you think!

Which 'Golden Girl' Are You?

2011-02-02T09:39:00.000-08:00

I've been told by multiple people that if I were a Golden Girl I'd be Betty White's character - because I'm loopy. Frankly, I don't remember the show all that well - I feel like I only ever watched it spurts when I was little. But sure, I'm Rose.

What about you?

Well, Gee. This is awkward...

2011-02-01T11:00:00.000-08:00

Source: Everything You Love to Hate

Boston Snowfall, Measured in Shaq

2011-01-31T11:34:00.000-08:00

Shaq-o-meter: Does season's snowfall measure up to Shaq?

Just brilliant.

How Social Media Users Watch Video

2011-01-27T12:11:00.000-08:00

The answer: online. Check out this great infographic (click to enlarge).

Source: Mashable and Lab42

I too whip my hair from time to time!

2011-01-27T11:34:00.000-08:00

So I might as well just start dressing like Willow Smith:

I mean, I'm already halfway there.

Are you people watching 'Cougar Town' yet?

2011-01-27T11:28:00.000-08:00

You really should be. Remember, it is NOT ABOUT COUGARS. Also, Cougar Town is meta and self-referential in the BEST way possible.

Twitter BFF Necklace anyone?

2011-01-26T12:31:00.000-08:00

Source: Geekologie

Look, I know I love Twitter and all but if anyone ever gets me these necklaces I'll drink myself into a dumb stupor from a cheap White Zinfindel and then go ransack the nearest 7/11.

Okay I won't do that, but, like, I'd be annoyed. And not-so-secretly think you are a tool. And then go tweet about it.

That one time I brought Silly Bandz to the people of Peru

2011-01-26T11:59:00.000-08:00

This was a highlight of my Peru trip:

I bet it was a highlight for those kids too - by which I mean, hearing this crazy American lady attempt to say the word "star" in Spanish was obviously a real special moment.

(It's estrella by the way.)

Caption Contest: Steven Tyler

2011-01-26T11:54:00.000-08:00

What is Steven Tyler thinking here?

Leave your ideas in the comments and I'll repost later with the winner's copy. (Assuming people actually comment and stuff.)

If you could end up in an animated hallucination, what would it be?

2011-01-26T11:43:00.000-08:00

I would very much like to have an animated hallucination in which I find myself absolutely dominating the casino level in Sonic 2.

I mean right? How SICK would that be?

Think about it: if your life was a stoner movie and you got to the part with the animated hallucination, and you could end up anywhere, where would it be? I think a video game from my childhood would be rad and I always loved the casino level on Sonic 2 because playing the slots was a damn good time. Although it's a toss-up between that and one of my favorite cartoons. Oh, like the friends portion of Garfield and Friends. I totally wanted to hang out on Orson's farm!

What about you?

Side note: Amir from MetroMix sent me this SICK video of a Sonic/Michael Jackson conspiracy theory. WATCH IT whilst you ponder what animated hallucination you'd like to end up in, then tell me your thoughts in the comments!

all the commentary on NBC's programming directive that you'll ever need

2011-01-21T10:56:00.000-08:00

Source: The TV Addict

Aziz Ansari and his best friend Rob Lowe!

2011-01-19T10:49:00.000-08:00

The best comedy you're not watching (besides Cougartown) returns to TV tomorrow night: Parks and Recreation! I've seen the first six episodes of the upcoming season and have to say that it's without a doubt some of the funniest shit on TV right now. I laughed my face off. Rob Lowe is, simply put, a revelation.

Here's a fun spoof of the credits, featuring Aziz Ansari and the incredible cast:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

I have to say that while half the time I think Aziz is overexposed and annoying, he always manages to make me laugh. I do appreciate that he can take a good jab at himself. Man, I would love to hang around that set! Fun, right?

Remember: watch this show!

There's a Reason Bill Nye is the Science Guy, You Guys

2011-01-14T14:23:00.000-08:00

Okay. So, Bill Nye, you know, the Science Guy? Well he predicted this whole Zodiac shift years ago. Six years ago to be exact:

Source: Gawker

You guys, there's a reason HE's The Science Guy, you feel me? And fine, maybe astrology isn't the most precise of "sciences" but it's obviously something we all care about (if the outrage from yesterday tells us anything) so, my point here is that science is cool and scientists know stuff and global warming is real and unicorns might be too.

And I'm still a Capricorn by the way. Apparently the whole astrological sign shift only applies if you were born after 2009.

the only thing they love more than justice is wearing scarves

2011-01-13T13:44:00.000-08:00

It's like our Law & Order, just more British:

Hey I relate to those British people! I TOO LOVE SCARVES! AND TEA! (And I also love Jamie Bamber - of Battlestar Galactica, DUH!)

Actually, that hilarious clip has effectively convinced me to watch the UK Law & Order. Which is ironic, considering I've never even seen one episode (not even one) of the American version.