my irrational fear of making coffee

So, I don't know how to make coffee. I realize this is ridiculous, considering I waitressed for about 4 summers in high school/college, and that I have worked as an assistant in Hollywood for two years now, and that is practically a prerequisite for any low-level job. But it's true. I don't know how to make coffee and I have an irrational fear of making coffee. What if I burn it? What if I put in too much water? Where is the switch that I flip to make it go... or something?

Rather than face this fear head-on I have decided I am going to attempt to go my entire life without knowing how to make coffee. MARK MY WORDS, I shall NEVER learn how to make coffee!