The Most Important Excel Spreadsheet Ever: Fall TV 2011

Hey guys! If you've found my blog from my Tumblr, my Twitter or my most recent HelloGiggles Open Letter (to Fall TV, duh) then you know what this is about... oh yeah and that subject heading up top probably tipped you off...

So if you click here you should be able to see and download my color coded Fall TV 2011 spreadsheet! It's nothing super fancy but it's got all the network shows on it and you'll get a glimpse of what shows I'm going to be watching this Fall!

Some things to remember -- I simply don't have time to watch everything and even though it looks like I do, I don't. So please don't give me a hard time if I'm not watching or recording a certain show. That being said, I love to talk about TV and tell you about it and well, being that I currently WORK on a TV show (coughcough watch The Finder when it premieres in January coughcough) you should totally feel free to chat with me about TV shows whenever you want. 

I've been blogging here, predominantly about TV, for the past four years, and although a lot of my online work is now delegated to Tumblr, Huffington Post or HelloGiggles, I still do check in here on occasion with stories about the behind-the-scenes day-to-day of the television industry and also when I want to freak out over something. Also did you guys watch Up All Night? Second time watching the pilot and I loved, loved, LOVED! Thank goodness Will Arnett is finally on a show that seems to have a real chance of sticking around!

YAY! TV! Oh and in case that link didn't work for you, here's the spreadsheet again:

BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes.

Gourds are weird. This is epic:

IT'S DECORATIVE

GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS.

BY COLIN NISSAN

- - - -

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I'm about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it's gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There's a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I'm going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, "Aren't those gourds straining your neck?" And I'm just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, "It's fall, fuckfaces. You're either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you're not."

Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Diff'rent Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn't it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they're both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that's upsetting, but I'm not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.

The next thing I'm going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I'm going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it's not summer, it's not winter, and it's not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it's fall, fuckers.

Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you're going to fucking love my house. Just look where you're walking or you'll get KO'd by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you're going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.

Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!

Thank you McSweeny's.

Whip It Good? TBD

Sometimes when I get going about TV shows I forget I also enjoy movies. In fact, there was a time when I enjoyed movies more than television, but recently movies I’ve loved have been few and far between. And this is a girl who tends to be easily amused by just about anything (in fact, I'm starting to think some people keep me around only because I laugh at their bad jokes. Oh well).

I am trying to recall the last film that really just knocked my socks off (and please keep in mind my problems with short term memory), but I think it probably was Up!, a film that provoked one hell of an emotional roller-coaster. Oh, I also LOVED The Hangover, and just earlier today was talking with one of my roommates about how I cannot wait for that flick to come out on DVD so I can watch it on repeat, a la my college days of excessive viewings of Old School. OOOH and 500 Days of Summer kicked ass (and speaking of kicking, look at that elusive memory kicking in!), but also because the soundtrack was so effectively incorporated into the film, and if there’s one thing I love more than a good flick, it’s a great film soundtrack (see: my iTunes playlist titled: "Movie Soundtracks").

All of this leads me to my general curiosity about the film Whip It. I have mixed feelings of anticipation regarding this film. First up, I love Kristen Wiig, and she’s in it, so that makes me want to see it. But then it has Drew Barrymore, and I am very much on the fence about her, although traditionally I’ve enjoyed her acting performances, from E.T. to Ever After to yes, even Music & Lyrics (oh and not too long ago I ran next to her on a treadmill, when she was only walking, so that made me feel good about myself). Okay, so actually, yeah I like Drew Barrymore, and as this is her directorial debut, I am only further intrigued.



So the main obstacle to my seeing Whip It might be Ellen Page. Yes, I enjoyed Juno enough, but I find the girl somewhat annoying. And I am not totally sold on the roller derby storyline. (I am so annoyed that rollerskating is IN, by the way. I was killing it on rollerskates/ice skates/rollerblades back in the '90s. Biiiiiiiiitch pleeeeze.) However, so far several reviewers have been saying great things, and what brought me to consider all of this anyway, was for some reason this strikes me as the kind of film that has a good soundtrack. This is probably because I love the Devo jam "Whip It," which ironically, is not on the sountrack.

However, after taking a look at the line-up, I have to concur that this is likely a great soundtrack (Dolly Parton's "Jolene?" Win!). And it’s worth mentioning that Landon Pigg (whose music you may know from Grey’s Anatomy or that AT&T commercial) is not only contributing a song to the film, but stars as the male lead. A little more indie cred for y’all right there. And I dig Landon Pigg’s music. He’s got a new album that just came out, and while it makes me long for rainy days and a coffee shop with big windows where I can stare at the water streaming down the cold glass while I contemplate my deep, deep existential crisis, I am definitely digging his vibe. LA might not have many rainy days, but there’s something about his music that is very seasonally appropriate for the fall.

So, back to my point (did I have a point? No idea), will I see this film opening weekend? Doubtful. I’ll probably end up going to the beach and then getting drunk and then catching up on television while hungover on Sunday and then next thing you know it’s Monday morning and I am back at work… but, I am curious to hear what other people think about the film. At the very least I’ll probably download the soundtrack. And then stare out a window while I contemplate my existential crisis and stuff.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…

No, it’s not Christmas. It’s the long-awaited return of FALL TV. And for those of who work in TV or simply just love TV, it’s just such a magical time of year. So let me give you a weekly break-down of my TV watching habits,

Let’s kick off with MONDAY nights, because, well, today’s Monday. Now, I have a true confession to make. I stopped watching Gossip Girl (CW, 8pm) about halfway through the season last year. I know, it’s simply terrible. What sort of pop culture junkie am I if I’m not up to date on the latest fight between Chuck and Blair or the bizarrely unimportant storylines following Vanessa or Nate? Well, it doesn’t take much to stay on top of this show, whether or not you actually watch, so even though I missed half of Season 2 I think I know what’s happening. They’re all dating each other and then hating each other and everyone is going to NYU and then there’s an evil twin and then the realize the island isn’t REALLY an island. See, at this point, I haven’t decided whether or not I will be watching Gossip Girl this season, which probably means I don’t care enough and will be watching a better show (I’m thinking of picking up The Wire or Big Love) instead on Monday nights.

That is, if I am not watching FOOTBALL! Folks I love the fall and I love watching football and those two just go hand in hand with beer and America and freedom and goodness. Saturday I think I watched about 9 hours of college football (my league of choice) and while I don’t love the NFL as much, at least there’s always Monday Night Football to sink your teeth into.

Now Tuesday nights are looking good. The remake of the classic 80s sci-fi thriller V (ABC, 8pm) starts up around mid-November, but even better is that So You Think You Can Dance (FOX, 8pm) is on for a solid two hours—and that makes for some great TV programming on one night. Some aliens and some dancing. Maybe some dancing aliens, I don’t know, but that would be great.

Wednesday night brings the results show for SYTYCD (FOX, 8pm) which I don’t really watch, only the dancing and actual results—in sum, about 5 minutes of quality programming until you know who gets the boot. After SYTYCD is Glee (FOX, 9pm) which I’ve already talked about being obsessed with. MUST SEE. Oh and I recently watched the pilot for Modern Family (ABC, 9pm) and while I definitely enjoyed it, there’s only so much time in the day I can devote to watching TV, and yes, I do have a limit.



The best night for television watching is, without question, Thursday night. Obviously, Thursday nights are traditionally great nights for TV, but the schedule is just overwhelmingly fantastic this year. Bones (FOX, 8pm) premieres this week, and there’s no need for me to reiterate my severe obsession with that show… but I will anyway. I LOVE BONES. It’s my 21st century X-Files with less paranoia and more comic relief. After Bones comes Fringe (FOX, 9pm), which I spent some time over the weekend getting caught up on, and this show is lot like the X-Files, but I’m nowhere near the same level as obsessed, however I am psyched to see how Season 2 plays out. The Office and 30 Rock (NBC, 9pm and 9:30pm—although SNL: Weekend Update will be on until 30 Rock premieres, complete with Amy Poehler!) are on Thursdays again, classic shows right there. I also plan to watch the new show Community (NBC, 8pm) as well as the potential Lost-replacement Flash Forward (ABC, 8pm) which will end up as a DVR special while I will be devoting real time watching of that time slot to Bones. Thursdays are overwhelming. I don’t even think I will be watching Vampire Diaries (CW, 8pm). Seriously. I have enough vampires and teen angst in my life as it is. Wait. That’s weird.



Friday Night Lights (DirecTV, 9pm). That’s all that needs to be said for Friday night (what with BSG off the air) and I absolutely cannot wait for Season 4 to begin on October 28th. I might watch Dollhouse (FOX, 9pm) Fridays as well, or at least record it and check it out later, but really FNL is the big gun on this night of the week.

Saturdays… if any TV is watched it will be college ball then SNL late night when I am drunk or something.

And hurrah for the return of Californication (Showtime, 10pm) and Family Guy (FOX, 9pm), two of my favorite Sunday night shows.



Well.

Now that you know what exactly I’ll be watching every day of the week, I highly suggest watching along, and then we can have all sorts of fascinating debates. But I must warn you: there’s a good chance that in about a month, the actual shows I watch on time will drop to approximately 4. There’s simply no way I can keep up with this many and balance work, working out, and yes, a social life. Unless I can train myself to get fewer hours of sleep each night, which trust me, I’ve tried. I’ve gotten it down to being comfortable at 8 hours a night, which may be normal for most people but is ROUGH for me. But, regardless of what I do end up watching seriously, I just love fall TV. There's just something in the air...

Allergy Attack

Gooooood morning. Wish it was. Wish I wasn't mid-allergy attack at the moment (in case you thought my extreme levels of nerdiness couldn't increase any further: they can), but apparently it's now fall in LA, and much like the changing of seasons back East, fall always causes me to suffer incapacitating bouts of allergies. So much so that on the way to work this morning I contemplated turning around and calling in sick. (I was also half-asleep after OD-ing on Benadryl last night).

Of course someone just told me they heard it was going to be in the 80s today, which agains reminds me that LA's "season's" are fake. And entirely NOT dependable. That's okay though.

I was saying to a friend yesterday that there are moments when I look back on a day--the people I spend it with, the weather, the things I did--and I think I absolutely could die happy here...

California's State Motto (and other thoughts)

Too many people.

(Seriously.)

I firmly believe this accurately describes the state of California. Too many people. This weekend I found this most frustrating whenever in situations where a car was involved. No matter what day of the week, what time of the day, or what part of the city--there is always traffic and it is always quite difficult to find a place to park. Yes, thank goodness for Santa Monica--because the truth is I haven't moved my car since I pulled into my parking spot Friday after work, however, while driving with Friends over the weekend, it was definitely quite apparent that the roads are overflowing with very rude Los Angeleno drivers who seem to have a high rate of road rage. Saturday morning for example I was driving to a spinning class at my gym (oh yeah, I did move my car that once) and was crossing a street before some dude who was turning onto the road I was traveling on--because I happened to be moving slower than him, he proceed to lay on his horn. This wasn't just a quick HONK, my friends, on no he really laid it on there. Then, a cab pulled out of a hotel and pulled in front of him and he laid on the horn again. Then, when at a stoplight, he pulled into the right line, only so he could pass me and the cab when the light turned green again.

And, as I dreaded, this very angry driver pulled into the Equinox parking garage. And as I suspected, just a few minutes after I had selected a bike in the spin room, this very angry driver walked in and selected a bike just two seats away from mine.

I can't say I wasn't tempted to tap him on the shoulder and give him a lecture about road rage, and anger, and karma, however I noticed he really seemed to be struggling with the whole spinning thing, so I thought--whatever--not worth it. Maybe he'll blow of some steam exercising. But really--all that road rage is so unnecessary!

I will say this about California--it definitely feels like Fall. Sure it's nothing like the falls I love back East, but it is nice--a little cooler, a little crisper, a few leaves actually change, and the pace of life seems to slow a little bit. I think that might be different from the East Coast, but I am certainly noticing that my weekends are moving at a lower speed. And it's fantastic.



Somehow I slept until noon Sunday. Then I took my sweet time waking up. Then enjoyed a lovely afternoon at the Abott Kinney Festival in Venice. No rush, no limits, no pressure--no need to get anywhere else. Perfection.

Despite the road rage and too many people, California weekends reign supreme.

OMG YOU GUYS

I cannot believe here it is 5:23 pm on Monday and I haven't even said hello. (HELLO).

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

How about a lil weekend update while I chomp on this delicious and almost perfectly white peach? I know what you are thinking. You are thinking OMG ANNIE STAMOS (made up last name FYI) you are eating a peach? You spend your coveted money on peaches? NO I DON'T. But my dad, Jon Stamos does. And that's right folks... in addition to a weekend of free meals I lucked out with one helluva grocery shopping trip to the local Pavillions, courtesy Dad.

Other weekend highlights include the 30 mile bike ride I went on Saturday. Yes, 30 miles. It was completely uninentional (hence the severe and awkward sunburned tan lines on my right shoulder) but the perfect sunny LA day to ride from Santa Monica to Hermosa, have some lunch on the pier, then ride bike. And, I am totally hooked on bike riding. Which is awesome because I am actually a MISERABLE bike rider (this dates back to a scarring experience when I went to summer camp in Mexico and was forced to go on crazy bike rides sans helmet and on these very steep narrow roads with large trucks passing us and I just remember wanting to close my eyes and cry the whole time) but seriously YOU GUYS bike riding was AWESOME and I am a convert.

I also did a long rollerblade trip yesterday (so Cali, ew) but not as intense though because rollerblading 30 miles would be far less enjoyable. I think I still did 8 miles (need to brag, okay?) and really just had to get a glimpse of the Venice Sunday 5 pm drum circle (so weird).

Yeah so this weekend was all about OUTDOOR ACTIVITIES which was awesome and LA is really the perfect place for such fun. Although now I am feeling a bit out of sorts and like maybe there were things I didn't do that maybe I need to do, but let's be honest--that's not true.

What else... Oh the Emmys... yeah well... I watched them. Thought the fashion choices were lackluster, the jokes stale, and overall a snoozefest. However I am SUCH a sucker for those award shows and regrettably I must say I watched the entire thing. ENTIRE THING. Blech. There are 3 hours of my life I will never get back. I sort of think since I've moved out here and have been exposed to the Hollywood scene I am growing increasingly adverse to such self-congratulatory events. (But don't mind me while I self-congratulate any second I get.)

That's all she wrote folks... and for REAL I promise to kick it into a higher gear this week. Ok?

My Favorite Season: Fall TV

I am just bursting with joy and excitement and happy happy happiness this morning my friends! Why O Why? BECAUSE IT'S THE BEST TIME OF THE YEAR! It's premiere season, as in TV premieres. HURRAH!

It started last week with Gossip Girl and 90210, and then Sunday was Entourage and tonight is Fringe and that silly new CW show Privleged and before we know it all the other greats and FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS and THE OFFICE and 30 ROCK and GREY'S ANATOMY and oh my goodness gracious. I hardly watched any television all summer (especially that month there when we didn't have cable or internet) and had completely forgotten how wonderful new shows are. In a few months I am sure my nightly watching will be way down from what it is now, but I am just SO EXCITED FOR ALL THESE SHOWS. Sad truth: me and the roomies DVR upwards of 15 shows. FOR REALZ. I am going to blame my career. I am supposed to watch them all, okaaaaay? Grrrrrrrreat.

Poor Man's Stamos

Roomie #1 here, aka ditonto. Annie so kindly suggested that I blog while she's away, so I will do my best to live up to her blogging standards. Although after her last post I'm guessing no one's going to check this until she gets back from the Vineyard (said with snobby accent). That's fine. I'm use to rejection (single tear).

I've never done this blogging thing and so I'm a little bit nervous and very amused by the whole process. For example, apparently the labels for this post are automatically suggested once you start typing and "scooters" is currently a label for mine. I mean, sure, why not?

I had no idea what to blog about, but then I thought, why don't I give Annie's very loyal readers a little commentary on their fearless blogging leader from the somewhat random roomie's perspective. Most of you know her quite well, but not all have you have lived with her, and even fewer have met her one day and lived with a shared wall between you and her the next, and that my friends, is an experience. I'd like to call this portion of the blog, Things I've Learned from Stamos...

1 - Self indulgent blogging can be liberating.

2 - Being a huge overly obsessed fan of Grey's Anatomy is waaaaaaay cooler than being a huge overly obsessed fan of "other worldly" movies and shows, ie - X-Files, LOTR

3 - Just Say Yes

4 - Being "bad ass" is a state of mind AND the main purpose in life.

5 - One can never have too many pairs of green pants

6 - There is a right and wrong way to cook eggs

7 - Who Jack Roger and Lilly Pulitzer are

8 - What NOT to say to a sensitive person during their sensitive moment

9 - How to properly do the 'shoulder jerk' dance when driving

10 - Girls who go to sleep in their pearl earings can also wake up early on Sunday in an XL t-shirt to watch football

so that's all I got for now...remember when reading this that this is in fact a No Judgement Zone

thanks and have a wonderful/drunk 4th!