Las Vegas Does Not Exist

I spent the weekend in Las Vegas with some friends.


Las Vegas is a strange place. It's essentially one giant mall. Or Disneyland for adults. It was the third time I was there and I still feel like I've never really spent time there. By which I mean, I'm not sure that I really know Las Vegas - which is weird, because usually when I visit other cities or places I try to get to know them. You don't do that in Las Vegas. Las Vegas is a city that doesn't really exist.


It's weird.

Excuse me? Because of the moon I now have to be a SAGITTARIUS?

This is bullshit. BULLSHIT. 

Have you guys heard about this? Apparently the earth has "wobbled" (you'd think they'd come up with a more scientific term, but OKAY) and it was all the MOON's fault and now the Zodiac signs have changed. Which doesn't make a lot of sense to me, but all I know is that according to some chart I'm no longer a Capricorn.

WHAT THE HELL, MAN! I am a Capricorn! I like earthy colors! I'm stable! I have a good work ethic! I'm very rational! And there's something related to a goat even though goats are weird! And I am PROUD of these things. I am NOT a Sagittarius, okay? 

 

Norwegians Are Weird

Why did this happen? Tonya Harding and Jason Alexander and Roger Moore and Pamela Anderson and Dolph Lundgren and Boyzone AND SO MANY MORE BIZARRE CELEBRITIES? Doing Lip Dub! Of "Let It Be!" For Norway!

No really. I don't understand.

A Haunting Music Video for "Creep" - Just in Time for Halloween

I can't stop watching this video. It's beautiful, haunting, troubling, creepy, weird and insane. And seemingly appropriate for Halloween.

Creep (Radiohead) - Scala and Kolacny Brothers from Alex Heller on Vimeo.

This R2D2 Swimsuit is EPIC

Have you ever been watching Star Wars and thought to yourself, "R2 would look great as a one-piece swimsuit!"? No? Me neither. But in case you have:

bleep bloop bloop bleep

You can buy it here. Oh and if I see any chicks wearing this as a Halloween costume I will punch them in the face.

Is Arcade Fire sampling ABBA? (Or is it just wishful thinking?)

In eighth grade I obsessively listened to ABBA Gold. I remember writing out the lyrics to "Money Money Money" so that I could memorize every word uttered in that masterpiece of song. I'm sure I didn't really understand what it was I was singing about, but I will say that a result was my extensive knowledge of ABBA songs.

Over the weekend I bought the new Arcade Fire album The Suburbs and have been listening to it on repeat. I'm convinced the song "Modern Man," one of my favorite off this album, samples "Money Money Money."

Here's ABBA:

Now go to the 1:12 mark on Arcade Fire's song and see what I'm talking about:

"In my dreams, I have a plan..." RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? Or am I grasping at straws? Okay maybe I just think it would be awesome if Arcade Fire did sample ABBA...

if life were a Japanese game show, (fill in anything else here)

Here's the "We Are the World" parody video you never knew you needed. Seriously. Watch it all the way through.



Thanks to my friend Christina, who not only provided the title for this post, but sent me this brilliant/amazing/terrifying video.

Also, I'm considering putting out a Craigslist ad for a Japanese game show announcer to follow me around and narrate my life. Everything would be so much more exciting.

Gaga in Wonderland

Now THIS I want to see:

"frequently confused with ringworm, but antifungal creams won't help, because it is not a fungus" OR "that time I got f-ed over by the rain"

So. It's raining a lot in LA right now. A lot a lot. So much rain that highways are being closed, houses are being evacuated and oh, also? I have a rash. Because of the rain.

This morning I had a pre-scheduled doctor's appointment for a regular monthly check-up on my various medications (that's right folks, I've go the drug regimen of a divorcee circa 1997). I love my doctor. Been seeing her since when I first moved out to LA. We're tight.

Right after she tells me all my vitals are looking great as usual yada yada yada I say to her:

"Yo I have some sort of crazy rash all over my upper body." Which is true. A few days ago I noticed a weird mark on my back (two of my friends said it almost looked like a spider bite, however the general consensus was ringworm. Spoiler alert: it's not ringworm).

Dr. G takes one look at me, says "I need to see your back" turns me around, takes a quick look and goes:

"Yep, you have Pityriasis Rosacea,"

"Say what?"

"Pityriasis Rosacea. That mark on your back there is the herald mark. It's a rash you get once in your lifetime, usually lasts 4-6 weeks, and that mark precedes it."

"So you're saying it's going to get worse."

"Yes. It will be everywhere except your face, your hands, and the soles of your feet. And it will itch a lot. But don't scratch it."

"Okay. Why did I get it?"

"It's usually caused by periods of extreme stress or massive changes in the weather. Are you under high stress?"

"No."

"Then it's weather."

"Okay so my room is sort of not insulated..." (This is true. I live in the studio room, which lacks insulation, and as of yesterday had a leak).

"Yep that's not helping. It's the rain. As soon as it's sunny again you'll start feeling better. The UV will help."

"So can I go tanning?"

"No."

"Oh, why? Will that make it worse?"

"No. You'll get cancer."

"Oh."

"I'll prescribe you some medicine to help the itchiness. But it's going to last for about a month. It's like the Chicken Pox but not contagious."

Awesome. Just awesome.

On a side note, I did some research. Apparently UV light can help. Don't tell Dr. G but I'm going tanning. I mean, this shit is freaky. And my herald mark is in the exact spot equivalent of a tramp stamp. I could probably get some good cash busking on the streets of the Jersey Shore.

Now I'm going to douse myself in calamine lotion and alternate between crying and laughing at the sweet sweet irony of it all.

Holy Hotcakes! This Trailer is Rad!

The newest trailer is further proof: Alice in Wonderland is going to be fucking amazing. Yeah, that totally warranted an F-bomb. And I don't drop F-bombs lightly.

First of all, I LOVE Tim Burton. This weekend when I am in New York I am going to his art exhibit at MoMA, which I've been anxious to go to since it opened.

Secondly, Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter and Helena Bonham Carter as the Red Queen? Brilliant. These two always act so well together.

And even though I dislike Anne Hathaway, Stephen Fry as the Cheshire Cat is another great casting decision.

And finally, I love, love, LOVE the original stories of Alice and another film version will be amazing, no doubt.

Without further ado, see the trailer for yourself:

this is both terrible and amazing

Apparently some little boy is stuck in a hot air balloon somewhere in the skies over Colorado. Terrible. But also amazing because the shape of said balloon is a flying saucer:



Where can I sign up?

UPDATE: The poor kid's father is being described as a mad scientist with a website, called The Psyience Detectives, which "investigates the mysteries of science and psychic phenomenon."

Thank You, WSJ, for Validating My Existence

Okay so the other day I was telling my former boss I was coming down with a cold again, and she responded with "You are a fucking Petri dish of germs." She is both hilarious and correct. I seem to get sick a lot. Like, A LOT, a lot. An excessive amount. It's not usually anything major, although my sicknesses can often sideline me for a few days. And there was that time senior of college when I had to be hospitalized with what the doctor's told me was the worst case of mono they'd ever seen without my spleen bursting and resulting in death. Or back in July when I was vomiting every hour on the hour and couldn't keep a goddamn saltine in my stomach.

Okay so yes, I get sick a lot and I can get really sick and I know it is because I "burn the candle at both ends" as they say. OR IS IT?

GET THIS: The Wall Street Journal published an article detailing how children born in the winter or more likely to be sickly. OMG I WAS TOTALLY A WINTER BABY! (January 4th--remember that for when you want to send me a present. A gift certificate to J. Crew is advisable). This explains EVERYTHING!

Here's the link to the WSJ article, and you can just go ahead and ignore that whole section about how winter babies are less successful blah blah blah. Actually if my life turns out to be a miserable existence, then that's my cop-out. At this point in time, however, it's TBD. But F-you January birthday. Now I'm perpetually sick! AND, I have to share my celebratory time of year with Christmas. Ugh my life is soooooooooooo hard.*

*Please note sarcasm.

OH MY GOD I HAVE A STY

I have a Sty. On my eye.

According to this website, this is what I am dealing with:
A sty (sometimes spelled stye) is a tender, painful red bump located at the base of an eyelash or under or inside the eyelid. The medical term for a sty is hordeolum (plural, hordeola).

A sty results from an acute infection of the oil glands of the eyelid (meibomian glands) that occurs after these glands have become clogged. A sty also may arise from an infected hair follicle at the base of an eyelash. The bacterium Staphylococcus aureus is responsible for 90%-95% of cases of styes. Staph aureus is frequently found on the skin. A sty can develop as a complication of blepharitis (inflammation of the eyelid).

The term external hordeolum has been used to refer to a sty that develops at the base of an eyelash involving a hair follicle of the eyelid, whereas the term internal hordeolum refers to a sty arising due to an inflamed meibomian gland under the eyelid.

And what are the symptoms?
The first symptoms of a sty are generally redness, tenderness, and pain in the affected area. The eye may feel irritated or "scratchy." Later symptoms can include swelling, discomfort during blinking of the eye, watering of the eye, and sensitivity to light. A common sign of a sty is a small, yellowish spot at the center of the bump that develops as pus expands in the area.

Yep. That's me. I have a sty because I have this teeny tiny little bump smack dab in the middle of my upper eyelid of my left eye and my co-worker who is apparently prone to stys just confirmed it. SO NOT COOL. Apparently it will "rupture" on its own, or I can just use a hot compress to ease the pain. GREAT. JUST GREAT.

Thank You For Ruining One of My Favorite Childhood Books

Growing up, the children's book Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs was one of my very favorite stories. I have found memories of both my parents reading aloud the story of a strange town where food was delivered via weather patterns.

As it happens with many books, this one has been adapted to a movie. I was so excited to see the trailer and then, this:



If you can't see the clip in full, watch here.

Now, those who haven't read the book might think this still looks entertaining. Sure. Why not. However--this whole bit about an inventor? Completely NOT faithful to the original story that was so convincing in whimsy and idea that my imagination spun at the possibility of such a creative concept. Some of my favorite images from the story were the restaurants that lacked roofs, or the sailboats made of bread. While some of those images seem to have been recreated, overall this new plot line that the food-weather is man-made is upsetting. Will I see it anyway? Probably. But the book will forever hold a special place in my heart.

I am undecided about whether or not this movie should have been made...

After years of speculation for the fans of Donnie Darko (myself included), at last we have the extended trailer for the sequel (or prequel?), S. Darko. Take a look, and see my thoughts below.



1. OMG that's ANDY from Step Up 2 the Streets (wait she can act?)
2. CHUCK BASS!
3. Wait, is that Jasper from Twilight? Can he act?
4. OMG JESSIE SPANO
5. Huh?

So, despite having a cast assembled from the greatest B movies/TV shows of the past 10 years, I have absolutely no idea what is happening in this trailer. And I am dubious, to say the least. I loved Donnie Darko because it was a serious mindfuck (pardon my language) and had some great talent (and a great Watership Down reference). Oh and a superb music. But this? I am skeptical. And what does the S stand for?

Happy New Years, FROM THE FUTURE

I woke up this morning and did my usual routine of checking all my blogs/news magazines, and one of the top headlines on HuffPo was about the big New Year celebration in Sydney, a dramatic fireworks display included.



Yes, it' already 2009 in Australia! Happy New Year!

Time zones are mind boggling to me. I'm still just waking up and everyone in Australia is celebrating... or maybe they are already hungover... but they're in a different year altogether. It's wild!

I didn't start the fire

So.

I went swimming in the ocean on Saturday. What's that? Yes, I know Saturday was November 15th. And it was also in the low 90 degrees here in LA. And I went to Malibu, and I swam in the ocean and frolicked on the beach and saw dolphins and seals and lots of puppies and some unicorns and it was goddamn nature documentary (minus the unicorns, that was a lie).

While I'd like to take a moment and say, oooooh aaaaahh I just love California and its constant sun and fair weather, I think it's more fitting to describe the day as... apocalyptic. Beautiful and fun, sure. But definitely apocalyptic, thanks to yet another SoCal natural disaster.

That’s right folks, it’s fire season! So while the skies are filled with a haze of smoke and the air smells like a third world country, never fear—beach days and spectacular sunsets are here. Yay for Global Warming, screwing up everything but making sure I get my mid-November tan.

Stranger still was being on the beach as the sun began to set around 4 pm, driving home to Santa Monica, to look behind to see the sun redder than I ever thought possible, the sky filled with smoke, and the strange illusion that it was actually the water on fire.

Where are you spending your weekend?

I know it's only Tuesday but I just had to share that I will be spending the weekend in:

PAHRUMP, NEVADA.



I'll let that marinate.

(Details forthcoming.)

Who doesn't want to live in The Shire? (A lot of people, apparently)

Some dude decided to capitalize on the Lord of the Rings frenzy and take fandom to a whole new level--replicating The Shire, or Hobbiton--with real homes for real people to live in.

That's... impressive? Hilarious? Crazy? Genius? You decide. Apparently, no one's actually buying any homes because the real estate market is so bad. Or MAYBE no one is buying because who really wants to have their friends over for a dinner party and have to say, "Oh watch your head on that round door there, it's meant for a 4 foot tall hairy man with disproportionately large feet, not some human of Gandalf-like proportions!" I mean, not me.

Extreme Sunday Funday, This Week's Theme: AMERICA (and Fried Food)

Yesterday I discovered fried Oreos.

Yes, you heard that correctly.

Fried. Oreos.

I know this might seem overwhelming, or a snacktime impossibility only dreamed of by stoned college students or 6 year-olds, but it’s true. I discovered fried Oreos and I ate one. Well, half of one. (They are seriously intense). But where, oh where, did this life-changing experience take place? Why, at the Orange County Fair of course!

I grew up going to fairs in Maine. I know that sounds a little odd—and it’s not like I grew up with carnies or anything like that, but in Maine, especially in the rural parts of the state, there are fairs. My favorites include the Fryeburg Fair, the Common Ground Fair, the Yarmouth Clam Festival, and my personal love—the Cumberland County Fair. So when I hear fair, I think livestock competitions, giant pumpkins, potato sack slides, fried dough (funnel cake did not exist at Maine fairs when I was growing up), and either a lot of hippies who live on farm & garden communes or Neo Con red necks.

I had low expectations for the OC Fair, thinking nothing could quite match up to the fairs of my youth, but was pleasantly surprised—and it all comes down to the Fried Oreos, the world’s largest steer, and a death defying ride on a chairlift.

I was bitching and moaning about the $9 entry fee (remember, I am very, very cheap) but was promised by my friend Annie (and future roomie... replacing former #2—which is a whole other story) that it was more than worth the price so I lined up with the rest of my friends, handed over my money and stepped into what I can only describe as 150 acres of gluttony, over stimulation, and AMERICA.

Oh and fried. That was a big theme—everything was fried. Anything you want could be fried. Hence, the Oreos. Also available to be fried were Twinkies, frog legs, chicken, artichoke, zucchini, and SPAM. Yes, SPAM. I didn't know SPAM could be any more unhealthy than it already is. (I will admit I spent a summer on a very intense month-long sea kayak trip where I ate a lot of SPAM for breakfast. At the time, I thought it was delicious. At the time I also thought Kevin from the Backstreet Boys was God's gift to man, so that's not saying much). If fried SPAM isn't a heart attack in one sitting, I don’t know what is. But the OC Fair wasn’t just about fried food. Oh no, those delectable battered Oreos were just the topping on a smorgasbord of treats. There were stands with Greek food, Mexican themed booths, cotton candy, caramel apples, popcorn, whole turkey legs, bratwurst, and falafel. It was a legitimate World’s Fair of food. Check out some of the options in this photo:



There was also the Convention Hall of Products (or Conventional Hall of Crap, as Ditonto noted) filled with different booths offering a lot of junk you never knew existed or would ever want, ranging from bizarre office supply type knick knacks to zipper covers (or something) and one of my favorite stands, which was essentially ever kind of seed or nut coated in butter toffee and sold in packets that ran for about $5 each (the sunflower seeds were awesome).

Okay so clearly there was a lot of food. The livestock was less impressive. There was, however, the largest steer in the world. I mean this was a giant animal. Per the signs on the barn housing the sad, probably sedated beast, this steer had 1,000 hamburgers in the hoof. So that’s nice and disturbing. There was also the world’s biggest horse, aptly named Hercules, but as I had only reserved $1 (yes, that was one dollar, again, I am very cheap) for large animal viewing I opted for steer over horse.

As to be expected at a fair with an impressive food roster and such a freakishly large steer, there was an also an abundance of rides. It was pretty much the standard ride options—the Ferris wheel, small roller coasters, slides, trapeze—but maybe three of each, and then a less dangerous version for the kids. There was, however, one ride I had never before seen at a fair before—a chair lift!

What a novel idea! Taking a chair lift from one end of a fair to another? Why, what could be more fun?

Turns out, just about anything could be more fun. Riding a chairlift over a lot of people below enjoying turkey legs and paying exorbitant amounts of money to walk through “The Moscow Circus” is terrifying. First of all, I was convinced the entire ride, which was the longest ten minutes of my life, that I would lose one of my beloved flip flops. I also realized how unsafe a chair lift was, or at least this one was, especially when traveling at that excruciatingly slow pace and when there isn’t a mountain of snow to travel over. Also, for some reason it’s just a lot better when you are wearing skis and a lot of padded clothing like snow pants and a puffy jacket.

Even though I spent most of the chair lift ride gripping the “safety” bar (hardly safe) for dear life, it was a pretty great way to see the lay of the land. How else would I have known there was a giant wrestling tournament going on? Or where I could go for a ride on the giant circus elephant? Or more important, the closest food stand with the fried Oreos!

I survived the chair lift unscathed and have a new appreciation for the ease with which I ride those things whenever I go skiing.

Also worth mentioning is the Rock Band tent. Rock Band is one of the greatest videogames out there right now, if only for the fact that you truly can grasp Sting’s musical prowess when attempting to master songs like “Roxanne” or “Synchronicity II.” While some of us were enjoying the fine act of masticating a turkey leg the size of my shin, Ashleigh and I wandered over to watch some brave souls exhibit their Rock Band talents for anyone in the general listening vicinity. Then there was Buddy. Buddy got up with a few friends (and I think Buddy was maybe around 10 years old, a nice chubby kid who clearly was having the time of his life at the fair) and took on “Roxanne.” Buddy was horrendously tone deaf but eager to work the crowd and after not too long had assembled a good throng of people bumping their heads while he screeched to not put on the red light. The dude running the Rock Band tent got Buddy to get back up for a rendition of Bon Jovi’s “Dead or Alive,” which he also hilariously butchered. He really went the extra step though, that kid. He started yelling that whoever sang loud would get a free t-shirt, prompting the Rock Band guys to follow his lead and start chucking promotional shirts into the crowd. (Obviously, I won a shirt, as I have a serious ability to scream loudly—although some middle-aged Mom attempted to steal my shirt out from under my eyes. People these days).

And I have to say the night really peaked when I discovered Orange Julius (yes, back to the food options, in case you hadn't heard enough. I love Orange Julius, Strawberry even more so, and haven't been able to get my hands on one of those since the Maine Mall food court circa 1993. It was a nostalgic moment. And then we got funnel cake. And then, to finish off the evening right, the six of us shared a massive funnel cake. Soon thereafter, as was to be expected. I wanted to vomit.

Photos are forthcoming (meaning, when I get home from work and can provide the visual accompaniment to this recap). Trust me, you want to see what that 11-foot long giant steer looks like. Oh and I have video of Buddy. He’s the next YouTube sensation.






As promised: