Dear Hurricane Irene,
Do not fuck with me. I'm totally serious. You better get your fat ass away from the East Coast this instant, or at least by this time tomorrow. See, tomorrow I'm headed to Maine, my favorite place in the entire world, and if your meddling messes with my red eye flight through Philadelphia to the lovely state capital of Portland I will be SO PISSED.
That shit would NOT be cool, Irene. Not at all.
Just calm down, okay? Maybe wait until like September 6, after I'm back in LA, to really muck things up. Could you do that please?
And change your name. Irene makes me think of a woman with excessively long fingernails that are some putrid shimmery orange color and she keeps pictures of her cat at her cubicle at her job as an administrative assistant at a paper company.
Sincerely,
Stamos
Showing posts with label letters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label letters. Show all posts
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Why the Lack of Sports Stores at LA Malls Proves That Angelenos are Fair-weather Fans; Or, An Open Letter to the City of Los Angeles
Dear LA,
You have so many malls. You really do. Sometimes I wonder if this is what New Jersey is like, except the malls here are filled with pretty people and nice stores and people with real tans.
I have, however, noticed an alarming trend when it comes to the malls of Los Angeles. Unlike many of the malls I know and love, your malls are often lacking a quality sporting goods store. Now I get that the Westfield malls like to be fancier and what not, but let's check out the Westside Pavillion - a pretty standard mall... I don't see any sports stores listed, do you?
See back on the East Coast you can almost always find at least a Foot Locker, Olympia or Sports Authority at any mall, if not all three.
Now besides the fact that I find this to be a general inconvenience, this also connects to a larger issue. Something that really grinds my gears when it comes to LA sports fans: LA sports fans are fair-weather fans and if they weren't, then all the malls would be overflowing with sporting goods stores so they could purchase team gear year round (and the UCLA/USC Pink line at Victoria's Secret definitely does not count - unless it counts toward embarrassment in which case LA, you should be embarrassed). Because let me tell you, as a longtime Boston sports fan I know a whole lotta places where I can get all the Red Sox and Celtics gear my committed heart desires.
The upside to all this is that I imagine there would be a lot more people cruising around the city with those damn flags connected to their cars if they were more easily accessible. And I really can't stand those stupid flags.
I've sort of lost my train of thought here so I am going to end with what I think should be the valuable takeaway from this oh-so well-crafted letter: GO CELTICS!
Love,
Stamos
You have so many malls. You really do. Sometimes I wonder if this is what New Jersey is like, except the malls here are filled with pretty people and nice stores and people with real tans.
I have, however, noticed an alarming trend when it comes to the malls of Los Angeles. Unlike many of the malls I know and love, your malls are often lacking a quality sporting goods store. Now I get that the Westfield malls like to be fancier and what not, but let's check out the Westside Pavillion - a pretty standard mall... I don't see any sports stores listed, do you?
See back on the East Coast you can almost always find at least a Foot Locker, Olympia or Sports Authority at any mall, if not all three.
Now besides the fact that I find this to be a general inconvenience, this also connects to a larger issue. Something that really grinds my gears when it comes to LA sports fans: LA sports fans are fair-weather fans and if they weren't, then all the malls would be overflowing with sporting goods stores so they could purchase team gear year round (and the UCLA/USC Pink line at Victoria's Secret definitely does not count - unless it counts toward embarrassment in which case LA, you should be embarrassed). Because let me tell you, as a longtime Boston sports fan I know a whole lotta places where I can get all the Red Sox and Celtics gear my committed heart desires.
The upside to all this is that I imagine there would be a lot more people cruising around the city with those damn flags connected to their cars if they were more easily accessible. And I really can't stand those stupid flags.
I've sort of lost my train of thought here so I am going to end with what I think should be the valuable takeaway from this oh-so well-crafted letter: GO CELTICS!
Love,
Stamos
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
An Open Letter to Whoever Handles the Architecture of the Parking Lot at Trader Joes
Dear Trader Joes,
We get it. You're awesome. You're the king of the grocery stores, what with your perfectly marinated tender beef steaks, precisely cut fresh mango slices, and the most delicious Gorgonzola crackers I've ever found. However, your wide plethora of delicious treats and insanely good prices do not mean that you can just do whatever the fuck you want with your parking lot.
See, I went to the new Trader Joes that recently opened up on Olympic Blvd (right near Ralph's, which is definitely a big F YOU to that store) thrilled to maybe hit the market monolith during an off-hour, or perhaps discover this brand-spanking-new store would have heavenly parking. But NO. Just like the TJs on Pico, the one on Santa Monica Blvd in West Hollywood, and every goddamn Trader Joes I have EVER been to--the parking lot was a complete clusterfuck, regardless of the completely worthless - let's call him this because no other name seems to apply - "traffic director" who could not care less about the actually efficiency of parking.
Yes, sure I am a little riled up. But this is because the whole parking lot experience, getting in and out, took so long that it really just prolonged my trip home and the point of all this grocery shopping in the first place: MY DINNER.
So next time, whoever you are, crazy person who has zero understanding of utilizing space, try a little harder on the Trader Joe's parking lot, please. I don't care how good that sample of Garlic Naan they're handing out happens to be.
Regards,
Stamos
We get it. You're awesome. You're the king of the grocery stores, what with your perfectly marinated tender beef steaks, precisely cut fresh mango slices, and the most delicious Gorgonzola crackers I've ever found. However, your wide plethora of delicious treats and insanely good prices do not mean that you can just do whatever the fuck you want with your parking lot.
See, I went to the new Trader Joes that recently opened up on Olympic Blvd (right near Ralph's, which is definitely a big F YOU to that store) thrilled to maybe hit the market monolith during an off-hour, or perhaps discover this brand-spanking-new store would have heavenly parking. But NO. Just like the TJs on Pico, the one on Santa Monica Blvd in West Hollywood, and every goddamn Trader Joes I have EVER been to--the parking lot was a complete clusterfuck, regardless of the completely worthless - let's call him this because no other name seems to apply - "traffic director" who could not care less about the actually efficiency of parking.
Yes, sure I am a little riled up. But this is because the whole parking lot experience, getting in and out, took so long that it really just prolonged my trip home and the point of all this grocery shopping in the first place: MY DINNER.
So next time, whoever you are, crazy person who has zero understanding of utilizing space, try a little harder on the Trader Joe's parking lot, please. I don't care how good that sample of Garlic Naan they're handing out happens to be.
Regards,
Stamos
Monday, August 31, 2009
LA is Burning
Dear Los Angeles,
Enough already. Seriously, just stop it. All these earthquakes and fires and mudslides and pollution and botched plastic surgeries--ENOUGH! Well mostly enough when it comes to the natural disasters. I don't like looking up at the sky on a Saturday, when I am enjoying what should be a lovely day at the beach, and seeing some giant mushroom cloud of smoke over the city. Nor am I okay with it being late Saturday night when I might be enjoying some libations with a few friends and I see that parts of the hills are in flames like it's that one scene in The Lord of the Rings when they light up all those watch towers. And there's no pretty soundtrack playing in my version.
And sure, yeah, SURE--the fires make for nice time lapse videos online but I'm not down with the smoke in the air and the oppressive heat. And I am not even that close to ground zero!
So on second thought, maybe this should be an open letter to the Santa Ana winds who probably have something to do with the most recent fires, but you know I am just over LA and it's natural disaster issues.
Sincerely,
Stamos
P.S. Time lapse videos, because they are pretty:
Enough already. Seriously, just stop it. All these earthquakes and fires and mudslides and pollution and botched plastic surgeries--ENOUGH! Well mostly enough when it comes to the natural disasters. I don't like looking up at the sky on a Saturday, when I am enjoying what should be a lovely day at the beach, and seeing some giant mushroom cloud of smoke over the city. Nor am I okay with it being late Saturday night when I might be enjoying some libations with a few friends and I see that parts of the hills are in flames like it's that one scene in The Lord of the Rings when they light up all those watch towers. And there's no pretty soundtrack playing in my version.
And sure, yeah, SURE--the fires make for nice time lapse videos online but I'm not down with the smoke in the air and the oppressive heat. And I am not even that close to ground zero!
So on second thought, maybe this should be an open letter to the Santa Ana winds who probably have something to do with the most recent fires, but you know I am just over LA and it's natural disaster issues.
Sincerely,
Stamos
P.S. Time lapse videos, because they are pretty:
Time Lapse Test: Station Fire from Eric Spiegelman on Vimeo.
Timelapse - Los Angeles Wildfire from Dan B. on Vimeo.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
An Open Letter to the Bonnaroo PR Team: Stop Rubbing Your Awesome Line-Up in my Face!
Dear Bonnaroo PR Team,
Thank you for once again sending me another emailing touting the highlights of this summer's festival, reminding me once again that in 2007 I had one of the best times of my life, but also that I am in no position economically or otherwise to go the festival this year. What's that? You have Phish? Twice? Yes, I would chew off my left arm to see them, but alas, my left arm is unavailable for chewing because it's too busy punching the wall. Oh, I'm sorry, did you say Springstreen? Excuse me while I cry in a corner. And that whole thing about David Byrne curating some shows featuring some hot up-and-comers...? I am going to live in denial of this merely existing, because it pains me too much.
The only comfort I take in these regular emails is that I recall the three days of camping in the fields of Manchester, TN in the middle of June to be somewhat miserable, thanks to scorching temperatures. At least at Coachella I got to stay at a condo. WITH A POOL. So you can suck it, you "Woodstock of today" and take your awesome line-up and crazy hippies and delicious food and ferris wheel and I hope everyone gets heat stroke (except for the Yeah Yeah Yeahs because I worship the ground Karen O walks upon).
Regards,
Stamos
Thank you for once again sending me another emailing touting the highlights of this summer's festival, reminding me once again that in 2007 I had one of the best times of my life, but also that I am in no position economically or otherwise to go the festival this year. What's that? You have Phish? Twice? Yes, I would chew off my left arm to see them, but alas, my left arm is unavailable for chewing because it's too busy punching the wall. Oh, I'm sorry, did you say Springstreen? Excuse me while I cry in a corner. And that whole thing about David Byrne curating some shows featuring some hot up-and-comers...? I am going to live in denial of this merely existing, because it pains me too much.
The only comfort I take in these regular emails is that I recall the three days of camping in the fields of Manchester, TN in the middle of June to be somewhat miserable, thanks to scorching temperatures. At least at Coachella I got to stay at a condo. WITH A POOL. So you can suck it, you "Woodstock of today" and take your awesome line-up and crazy hippies and delicious food and ferris wheel and I hope everyone gets heat stroke (except for the Yeah Yeah Yeahs because I worship the ground Karen O walks upon).
Regards,
Stamos
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Some Things I Like To Do To Annoy People
Send emails regarding job postings, when you vaguely know recipient of resumes, because said recipient works with roommate. See below.
Dear Sir or Madam (I think the name Scott refers to Madam, but as English is only my first language—I also speak French, per my "Extra Capabilities" section in attached resume—one can't be too sure, which is why I shall say you are one OR the other),
Per your posting on the UTA Job list (which is looking rather meagre of late—a fact I find depressing yet indicative of our flailing economy. I am an avid watcher of economic doings. And yes I often use the British spelling for words such as meagre, favour, and colour as I am a descendant of one of the wives of Henry VIII and can't help it. I don't know which wife, but I am thinking it is unlikely that it was one of the gentlewomen who was beheaded) I see that you have need of an intern at your company, The Learning Channel. As I am a fan of both LEARNING and CHANNELS I feel that I might be an excellent candidate for this position.
Additional reasons I am a choice applicant for this job? While I might not be in college, or able to receive credit, as is required per said job posting, I did receive a 3.5 GPA in college, and a 4.0 GPA in high school. I know what you are thinking, and yes, I peaked in high school. Furthermore, I may not have an interest in a career in reality television, but I do watch THE HILLS as well as HILLS spin-off, THE CITY (as well as faux spin-off BROMANCE, but don't tell anyone. That can be our secret!) and if that is the sort of reality TV you are hoping people will LEARN about, well then I would like to give your company some TLC. (Tender Loving and Care).
The dates of the internship are truly ideal, as on April 17th I depart for a three day hippie music festival known as Coachella, where some people do drugs and drink moonshine and dance with animal spirits. I said some people.
For a reference, I would like to impose upon my roommate Ms. Ashleigh DiTonto (I KNOW! SHE REALLY DOES SPELL HER NAME LIKE THAT!) who I think could provide a glowing review, not of my failure to watch reality TV, but success at mocking it (for proof, I ask that she provide the multiple emails I send her regarding TLC press releases, for example, I sent one just yesterday regarding NASCAR WIVES, which apparently has really hit a chord with a certain audience, but I am guessing it is an audience that also loves freedom).
This reminds me: I hate freedom, and although you are called THE LEARNING CHANNEL and appear to be owned by another network known as DISCOVERY, I hope that you too are a bunch of Freedom Haters. If this is the case, then as I previously mentioned, I would make an excellent candidate.
And now I would like to share with you my "Extra Capabilities" because when I wrote earlier that there was an attached resume, I was not speaking the whole truth, only some of it (hint: there is no attached resume but I have several extra capabilities, lucky for you!).
Extra Capabilities: Previous fluency in French (now equivalent to "highly proficient"), well-read in both tabloids and serious news magazines, lover of Boston sports teams with little statistical knowledge to support aggressive enthusiasm, well-versed in Lord of the Rings jargon, Microsoft Office Suite, field hockey, painting my OWN fingernails (BOTH HANDS!), can quote lengthy portions of both STAR WARS and OLD SCHOOL, wrote senior thesis on "Turkey and the European Union: Re-defining a new European identity since the Schengen Agreement and the Turkish bid for acceptance within a new Europe," blogger, highly proficient at procrastination, keeper of secrets, Level 10 in Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door after just 17 hours of play time!
I feel certain that I would be an excellent addition to your Learning team and look forward to what I assume will be a timely and positive response.
Warmly,
Annie Stamell
Roommate of Ashleigh DiTonto,
whose contact information you surely have on file
Dear Sir or Madam (I think the name Scott refers to Madam, but as English is only my first language—I also speak French, per my "Extra Capabilities" section in attached resume—one can't be too sure, which is why I shall say you are one OR the other),
Per your posting on the UTA Job list (which is looking rather meagre of late—a fact I find depressing yet indicative of our flailing economy. I am an avid watcher of economic doings. And yes I often use the British spelling for words such as meagre, favour, and colour as I am a descendant of one of the wives of Henry VIII and can't help it. I don't know which wife, but I am thinking it is unlikely that it was one of the gentlewomen who was beheaded) I see that you have need of an intern at your company, The Learning Channel. As I am a fan of both LEARNING and CHANNELS I feel that I might be an excellent candidate for this position.
Additional reasons I am a choice applicant for this job? While I might not be in college, or able to receive credit, as is required per said job posting, I did receive a 3.5 GPA in college, and a 4.0 GPA in high school. I know what you are thinking, and yes, I peaked in high school. Furthermore, I may not have an interest in a career in reality television, but I do watch THE HILLS as well as HILLS spin-off, THE CITY (as well as faux spin-off BROMANCE, but don't tell anyone. That can be our secret!) and if that is the sort of reality TV you are hoping people will LEARN about, well then I would like to give your company some TLC. (Tender Loving and Care).
The dates of the internship are truly ideal, as on April 17th I depart for a three day hippie music festival known as Coachella, where some people do drugs and drink moonshine and dance with animal spirits. I said some people.
For a reference, I would like to impose upon my roommate Ms. Ashleigh DiTonto (I KNOW! SHE REALLY DOES SPELL HER NAME LIKE THAT!) who I think could provide a glowing review, not of my failure to watch reality TV, but success at mocking it (for proof, I ask that she provide the multiple emails I send her regarding TLC press releases, for example, I sent one just yesterday regarding NASCAR WIVES, which apparently has really hit a chord with a certain audience, but I am guessing it is an audience that also loves freedom).
This reminds me: I hate freedom, and although you are called THE LEARNING CHANNEL and appear to be owned by another network known as DISCOVERY, I hope that you too are a bunch of Freedom Haters. If this is the case, then as I previously mentioned, I would make an excellent candidate.
And now I would like to share with you my "Extra Capabilities" because when I wrote earlier that there was an attached resume, I was not speaking the whole truth, only some of it (hint: there is no attached resume but I have several extra capabilities, lucky for you!).
Extra Capabilities: Previous fluency in French (now equivalent to "highly proficient"), well-read in both tabloids and serious news magazines, lover of Boston sports teams with little statistical knowledge to support aggressive enthusiasm, well-versed in Lord of the Rings jargon, Microsoft Office Suite, field hockey, painting my OWN fingernails (BOTH HANDS!), can quote lengthy portions of both STAR WARS and OLD SCHOOL, wrote senior thesis on "Turkey and the European Union: Re-defining a new European identity since the Schengen Agreement and the Turkish bid for acceptance within a new Europe," blogger, highly proficient at procrastination, keeper of secrets, Level 10 in Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door after just 17 hours of play time!
I feel certain that I would be an excellent addition to your Learning team and look forward to what I assume will be a timely and positive response.
Warmly,
Annie Stamell
Roommate of Ashleigh DiTonto,
whose contact information you surely have on file
Friday, August 08, 2008
An Open Letter to the Inventor of Hot Tamales
Dear Sir (or Madam, but maybe wouldn't it be cool if maybe one day using “sir” it could really be anyone you are addressing, kind of like how it is on Battlestar Galactica? That is a great show. Do you watch the show sir? I recommend that you do),
I am writing you for a very important cause. A cause that I hold dear to my heart. That cause is to say THANK YOU. I believe in Thanksgiving. I believe that once the Pilgrims and the Indians (I think now they are called Native Americans. No, no now they are American Indians. Actually I am not so sure. I am lacking in political correctedness but I make up for it in my love for THANKS) sat down to dinner together and they broke bread (or rather, tore at it) and thanked each other. So, with that I write.
Thank you for inventing Hot Tamales. They are my most favorite of all candy, followed in no particular order by the following:
Twizzlers
Good n’ Plenty (anything that supplants “and” with “n’” is genius)
York Peppermint Patty
But really Sir Inventor, I feel that you need to know that my love for Hot Tamales far surpasses my love for many other things, including the following (in no particular order):
Yellow highlighters
Alarm clocks
High-heeled shoes
Kleenex (which I love a lot)
This week I have purchased a pack of Hot Tamales almost daily (I say almost because my memory is poor and I think there was one day I did not buy one of these small packs, but I am not sure, therefore to preserve my credability I must include the word ALMOST). Around 4 pm I seem to regularly develop a craving for those succulent cinnamon treats.
In the world of cinnamon treats, by the by, you win. Red Hots have NOTHING on Hot Tamales. Fire balls are overrated. Cinnamon Altoids are a joke. A JOKE.
I especially love Hot Tamales because sometimes when I am eating them they are so cinnamony they hurt and it is a strange sadistic experience. (Please note I am using sadistic in the LEAST sexual way possible. That is to say, it is not always a pleasant experience to eat these Hot Tamales because they are so HOT. But this makes the experience memorable and delicious. Thus it is sadistic. It is painful and awesome. Actually I am not sure I know what the definition of sadistic is. If you know, would you kindly share?).
Sir I implore you to explain to me the idea behind your slogan “Get Fired Up!” It’s genius! I am so fired up about Hot Tamales right now. They are both fat and calorie free, and certainly, as your packaging informs me, a cinnamon-charged candy.
I especially enjoy the package with a net weight of 2.12 ounces, or 60 grams. It is the perfect snack size. And it is under $1 which is really quite wonderful as I do not have a multitude of accessible funds, or as I like to say “I have negative bones.” That saying might not make much sense to you but trust me, it means I do not have a lot of cold hard cash. I bet you do. Why, you invented the most delicious of all delicious cinnamony treats, and perhaps candy in general (I say perhaps because I am not a statistician, and therefore cannot make bold claims I cannot support. I am a man of my word)!
Sir, beyond giving thanks I would also like to offer my services. I would like to put THIS on the table: I would be so happy to be a quality control taste taster. I do not know if there is current need for this, or if perhaps you have control over this (maybe after your invention you moved onto other candies? Say, were you the inventor of Mike and Ikes? Is your name Mike? OOH IS IT IKE? I bet it's Ike. Mike & Ikes are okay. Similar to Hot Tamales but less good).
If you have need for quality control taste tasters feel free to alert me of this need. I am ready and willing at your service to taste test and control quality. I know what makes a good Hot Tamale.
Regards,
John Stamos
I am writing you for a very important cause. A cause that I hold dear to my heart. That cause is to say THANK YOU. I believe in Thanksgiving. I believe that once the Pilgrims and the Indians (I think now they are called Native Americans. No, no now they are American Indians. Actually I am not so sure. I am lacking in political correctedness but I make up for it in my love for THANKS) sat down to dinner together and they broke bread (or rather, tore at it) and thanked each other. So, with that I write.
Thank you for inventing Hot Tamales. They are my most favorite of all candy, followed in no particular order by the following:
Twizzlers
Good n’ Plenty (anything that supplants “and” with “n’” is genius)
York Peppermint Patty
But really Sir Inventor, I feel that you need to know that my love for Hot Tamales far surpasses my love for many other things, including the following (in no particular order):
Yellow highlighters
Alarm clocks
High-heeled shoes
Kleenex (which I love a lot)
This week I have purchased a pack of Hot Tamales almost daily (I say almost because my memory is poor and I think there was one day I did not buy one of these small packs, but I am not sure, therefore to preserve my credability I must include the word ALMOST). Around 4 pm I seem to regularly develop a craving for those succulent cinnamon treats.
In the world of cinnamon treats, by the by, you win. Red Hots have NOTHING on Hot Tamales. Fire balls are overrated. Cinnamon Altoids are a joke. A JOKE.
I especially love Hot Tamales because sometimes when I am eating them they are so cinnamony they hurt and it is a strange sadistic experience. (Please note I am using sadistic in the LEAST sexual way possible. That is to say, it is not always a pleasant experience to eat these Hot Tamales because they are so HOT. But this makes the experience memorable and delicious. Thus it is sadistic. It is painful and awesome. Actually I am not sure I know what the definition of sadistic is. If you know, would you kindly share?).
Sir I implore you to explain to me the idea behind your slogan “Get Fired Up!” It’s genius! I am so fired up about Hot Tamales right now. They are both fat and calorie free, and certainly, as your packaging informs me, a cinnamon-charged candy.
I especially enjoy the package with a net weight of 2.12 ounces, or 60 grams. It is the perfect snack size. And it is under $1 which is really quite wonderful as I do not have a multitude of accessible funds, or as I like to say “I have negative bones.” That saying might not make much sense to you but trust me, it means I do not have a lot of cold hard cash. I bet you do. Why, you invented the most delicious of all delicious cinnamony treats, and perhaps candy in general (I say perhaps because I am not a statistician, and therefore cannot make bold claims I cannot support. I am a man of my word)!
Sir, beyond giving thanks I would also like to offer my services. I would like to put THIS on the table: I would be so happy to be a quality control taste taster. I do not know if there is current need for this, or if perhaps you have control over this (maybe after your invention you moved onto other candies? Say, were you the inventor of Mike and Ikes? Is your name Mike? OOH IS IT IKE? I bet it's Ike. Mike & Ikes are okay. Similar to Hot Tamales but less good).
If you have need for quality control taste tasters feel free to alert me of this need. I am ready and willing at your service to taste test and control quality. I know what makes a good Hot Tamale.
Regards,
John Stamos
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