Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Conspiracy Theory: Nielsen Ratings

So over the weekend I was having various conversations with friends about watching television shows, and specifically, about Nielsen ratings. I think this was in reference to Friday Night Lights, which has recently been renewed by NBC but will also be airing on DirectTV. To gain more viewers I had a friend point out that we should all watch the show on different televisions. Another friend pointed out (or it might have been me, I was several glasses of wine in at this point) that this would have absolutely no weight on the ratings whatsoever--none of us have Nielsen boxes and therefore the high quality television programming we choose to support is probably not being watched by poorly educated overweight people in middle America whose tv choices actually make a difference. (Harsh, I know, but think of it as a dramatic attempt to emphasize my point).

Anyhoo, here is my new theory: the Nielsen Media Research program doesn't exist! It's a hoax! It's just a bunch of staged numbers given out by the moguls and conglomerates who own the companies that sell things like washing machines AND camcorders (actually, do people own camcorders anymore?), and yes that was a thinly veiled jab at NBC-Universal-General Electric-Darth Vader.

Does anyone actually know anyone who has a Nielsen box on their television? Think about it, do you? I certainly don't! THAT'S BECAUSE THEY DON'T EXIST. I know that some people might claim they do, but how can I get one? Hmm? HMMMMMMM???? Man I would kill to get my hands on one of those things!

I would also like to rule the world and ban Britney Spears from the United States. And I would like to be two inches taller. I would also like to have an unlimited gift certificate to J. Crew. And a yellow lab who would always stay a cute little puppy. And maybe my own country. Just a few requests while we're at it.

11 comments:

ryan said...

i have a nielson box.
email me at ryandodgerfan@gmail.com

ryan said...

i have a nielson box.
email me at ryandodgerfan@gmail.com

ryan said...

i have a nielson box.
email me at ryandodgerfan@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

Ryan is one of THEM!

Anonymous said...

Don't believe Ryan, he's a plant! It's all part of the elaborate conspiracy and he is not to be trusted!

blitz krieg said...

Pull the plug on this shit. Nielsen is government ran. When mine was installed a five man crew came to install the setup when it should only take three. The tv is being bugged. Along with the cable box. The one computer that was not allowed to have the Nielsen program installed on it was BLOCKED by, guess who, the FBI. DO NOT INSTALL NIELSEN!!

Unknown said...

Me and my boyfriend got a letter in the mail from them and we have the box. Email me at darnelwalker1990@gmail.com I'll send you pics of the letter and out tv with the box.

Cara Carmangia said...

They can even monitor what we stream on chromecast. We exist.

DEBBI said...

I HAVE HAD A NIELSEN BOX INSTALLED ON MY TWO TV'S FOR ABOUT A MONTH. I AM STILL DEBATING IF THOSE LITTLE BLACK BOXES ON TOP OF MY TV HAVE A CAMERA OR NOT. DO NOT KNOW IF I WILL KEEP IT FOR THE TWO YEAR PERIOD.

Eric Borders said...

I just signed up for it they don't do boxes anymore just little beepers you carry around that pick up tv and radio signal kinda trippy I asked the guy if they were part of the NSA or anything like that he said no but no contracts and free money for carrying it around I'll give it a shot

Eric Borders said...

I just signed up for it they don't do boxes anymore just little beepers you carry around that pick up tv and radio signal kinda trippy I asked the guy if they were part of the NSA or anything like that he said no but no contracts and free money for carrying it around I'll give it a shot