Conspiracy Theory: Nielsen Ratings

So over the weekend I was having various conversations with friends about watching television shows, and specifically, about Nielsen ratings. I think this was in reference to Friday Night Lights, which has recently been renewed by NBC but will also be airing on DirectTV. To gain more viewers I had a friend point out that we should all watch the show on different televisions. Another friend pointed out (or it might have been me, I was several glasses of wine in at this point) that this would have absolutely no weight on the ratings whatsoever--none of us have Nielsen boxes and therefore the high quality television programming we choose to support is probably not being watched by poorly educated overweight people in middle America whose tv choices actually make a difference. (Harsh, I know, but think of it as a dramatic attempt to emphasize my point).

Anyhoo, here is my new theory: the Nielsen Media Research program doesn't exist! It's a hoax! It's just a bunch of staged numbers given out by the moguls and conglomerates who own the companies that sell things like washing machines AND camcorders (actually, do people own camcorders anymore?), and yes that was a thinly veiled jab at NBC-Universal-General Electric-Darth Vader.

Does anyone actually know anyone who has a Nielsen box on their television? Think about it, do you? I certainly don't! THAT'S BECAUSE THEY DON'T EXIST. I know that some people might claim they do, but how can I get one? Hmm? HMMMMMMM???? Man I would kill to get my hands on one of those things!

I would also like to rule the world and ban Britney Spears from the United States. And I would like to be two inches taller. I would also like to have an unlimited gift certificate to J. Crew. And a yellow lab who would always stay a cute little puppy. And maybe my own country. Just a few requests while we're at it.