What's your general atmoshphere?

I love this:



I think that applies to me right now. Utter confusion. Actually no. Utterly miserable headache is more fitting. Hungover at work is très not cool. Pauvre me. I am exhausted. Not quite political campaign exhausted, more partied out and stupidly got drunk around co-workers exhausted.

I AM SO PUMPED TO WATCH THE DEBATE TONIGHT.
(And Grey's and The Office--which apparently features THE MASTER CLEANSE. WOO CLEANSING. Which, BTW I TOTES need to do again. Some detox could do me well).

Lactose Intolerant... Or am I?

Recently I have started telling people I am lactose intolerant. I am not sure this is actually a fact, as I seem to sometimes eat cheese, ice cream, milk, and other dairy products without any problem. BUT, I sometimes eat cheese, ice cream, milk, and other dairy products and I have a LOT of problems.

According to some book I read once (or maybe in some article in some newspaper) everyone is actually a little bit lactose intolerant and we either grow out of it or into it. I might be making that up, but it seems to suit my situation. Like I think I might be a little lactose intolerant.

But that won't stop me from having some frozen yogurt later on. No, sir. I might pay for it with 20 minutes of buckled-over pain, but I don't believe in self-deprevation. Unless I am doing the master cleanse or something. Then it's cool.

THIS WHEAT GRASS TASTES DELICIOUS!

To quote from Oklahoma, "Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day, I've got a beautiful feeling, everything's going my way!" (Okay so maybe I've never actually seen all of Oklahoma because the last time I attempted to watch was when I was in fifth grade with my mom and my best friend and both my mom and I feel asleep leaving my poor friend feeling really uncomfortable watching such a boring musical, but I digress...)

I am off the Cleanse, and oh my goodness gracious, I feel FANTASTIC. So fantastic that I plan to often capitalize words, to emphasize that when speaking these words I might be enthusiastically screaming them! Which brings me to my next point, WHEAT GRASS IS DELICIOUS.

I know, I know--you are thinking, once again, my goodness Stamos you've become so LA it's laughable... skateboards, cleanses, wheatgrass? Well let me say this: skateboarding is NOT as easy as it looks, the cleanse has NOTHING to do with living in Los Angeles, and WHEAT GRASS IS DELICIOUS and I will drink it whenever and wherever.

My first post-cleanse, non "lemonade" substance was a 2 oz. wheat grass shot from Jamba Juice. It was delightful, refreshing, EUPHORIC I might say! Even better was the FRESH SQUEEZED ORANGE JUICE that followed. DIVINE INSPIRATION! This foray into food took place yesterday afternoon, when I had decided the tongue was pink enough and I had reach Day 10. I proceeded to drink the "lemonade" for the rest of the day but then in a moment of effortless motivation I compiled a long shopping list and drove off to Whole Foods to stock up on delicious VEGETABLES and other FUN VEGAN FOODS for the week. Walking into Whole Foods was like walking into paradise. Parsley, thyme, tomatoes, onions, leeks, KALE! FAKE CHICKEN NUGGETS! SOY YOGURT! VEGETABLE JUICE! STEVEN WEBER!

Wait, what? Steven Weber? Of Wings, and most recently Brothers & Sisters? Yes, Steven Weber, Brian Hackett himself! Right there in the cereal aisle! And let me say, for a 47 year old man, he was ATTRACTIVE. (While this could be the post-cleanse euphoria talking, he really was a looker). Anyways, nothing better than a little celeb spotting to really top off the beautiful grocery shopping experience!

Back home I went to begin preparing the vegetable soup of all vegetable soups, summoning forth cooking skills I didn't know I had. Iron Chef, here I come because I am a PHENOMENAL cook! The kitchen smelled so savory I thought I might have concocted my own heaven simply through sauteeing some onions and herbs. I didn't eat any last night because it was still a detox day pour moi, but I am so EXCITED to taste my creation today.

I slept like a baby last night, especially with the knowledge that today a whole world of food awaits. Birds were singing when I woke up! It's St. Patrick's Day! Why not wear my favorite BRIGHT GREEN big tee/dress! My hair looks fantastic! My skin is GLOWING! My tongue is (almost) completely PINK!

And at 7:55 am this morning, there it was; my Mecca, my promised land of milk and honey--my Jamba Juice on San Vicente in Brentwood, with wheat grass and orange juice waiting for me. And as the smell of a freshly cut lawn filled my nostrils, I threw back my head and sipped mightily, taking in the shot, thinking once again, THIS WHEAT GRASS IS DELICIOUS!

The end.

Master Cleanse, Day 8

Well it's been over a week now that I've only been drinking the "lemonade" as part of the Master Cleanse. I am so ready for this thing to be over. Here's the hitch--a key sign in when you are fully detoxified is when your tongue turns pink. I know you're thinking, wait a minute, my tongue is always pink. Well, on the cleanse, your tongue becomes very white as a sign that the toxins are leaving the body (there's a much more scientific way of putting that--it's in the book) and my tongue has been scary white since Tuesday. It's been clearing up slowly but I am at the point where I just want to wake up one morning to find a beautiful pink tongue and feel a general sense of euphoria. Right now all I feel is a little annoyed and a little like I wish they wouldn't crank the AC so high in this building and inspire feelings of the need for a down comforter all the time.

Anyways, I am so glad this week is just about over. In retrospect, it's pretty nuts that I went this entire work week on the cleanse, having to suffer while my co-workers picked out their delicious lunches from the plethora of menus we have. Twice I had to order for my boss. Twice I had to present him with his tasty looking food (and I don't even like tuna!) Yesterday when boxes and boxes of girl scout cookies were delivered I had to witness my colleagues shoving the delectable Tagalongs and Thin Mints into their mouths. It became so torturous that at one point I asked to smell a Samoa.

Okay wait a minute. Is that what anorexics do? Smell other people's food and pretend they are okay not eating it? What kind of wayward path have I stumbled into?

While I contemplate whether or not I am due for counseling and a nutritionist, I have to remind myself that by no means here am I starving myself. The only thing I am not getting from the "lemonade" is protein. I get tons of vitamins and important nutrients from the lemons and syrup, including well over 1000 calories. (FYI, maple syrup has a LOT of calories). Furthermore, one of the benefits of the cayenne pepper is that it keeps your metabolism moving fast. Besides, I know that one side effect of the cleanse is not really being hungry, but missing food--I can definitely relate to that. It's a feeling I know all too well thanks to my post-surgery liquid diet. Actually, doing the cleanse now makes me look back on my time with the closed jaw and the constant protein shakes as an impressive 2 month physical and mental challenge. I remember reaching for a grape once without thinking, and remembering I couldn't eat. Or the other time when I figured because I could open my mouth enough to fit in a straw maybe I could get in a Hershey kiss. The chocolate got stuck and I realized that I wouldn't last a day at fat camp. Now, however, I physically can eat but have chosen to cleanse and detoxify my system. What it comes down to is that I have got mad self control.

Anyways, the tongue better clear up by Sunday because I don't know if I am all that interested in doing this past 10 days. Then comes the tricky part of breaking the fast, which has to be done very sensitively. I am going to ease back into solid foods, and do the first two weeks on a vegan diet.

Veganism. This brings me to my next point. Apparently LA is rubbing off on me. Not only am I on the cleanse (which I guess is a very LA thing to do), but last night I bought a skateboard. Considering I've never set foot on one before, it should be an interesting new venture. Fingers crossed I don't break a leg my first day on it, or even worse--my jaw. I am just hoping I get good enough to be able to skateboard to the gym or the Farmer's Market on a Saturday morning. Don't worry, despite my new affinity for crazy health kicks and skateboarding, today I am wearing my standard Vineyard Vines polo and cable knit sweater--some things will never change... me. I'll be the girl in her Lilly Pullitzer dress, skateboarding.

Cleanse Day 4: Do I really have to drink this shit for another week?

It's Monday, my friends. Monday's are no fun, as I often suggest, and this Monday is, in ways, especially grim. I am on my fourth day of Master Cleansing, and I have to say, this lemon-syrup-cayenne concoction is really starting to make my tongue curl. On the bright side, I had a cup of peppermint tea this morning, which is permissible once daily, and tastes like thin mints and sunshine and unicorns in one precious cup. I am already looking forward to drinking the tea tomorrow.

It was an interesting weekend, not eating and all. Fortunately I had bucketloads of reading to tackle for work and could divert my attention in that direction. Saturday night I went with friends to a concert of indie bands (aka everyone who has played on an episode of Grey's Anatomy) at the House of Blues in Anaheim. Not eating or drinking at a concert was quite an experience. The back pain from standing for three hours was much more vivid, due to lack of chemical distraction. An interesting side effect of the cleanse is that during night time I suddenly am a terrible driver. Now I am no perfect chauffeur normally, but I think I am good enough (when not distracted) and the cleanse has me all loopy when it gets to be night time.

Beyond that I am feeling good, feeling as though those toxins are seeping out and in just a week (less than that actually) I can eat delicious food again. Oh my god I can't wait. Until then, it's laxative tea and salt water enemas to look forward too. Mmmmm. More cayenne!

Please note: While cleansing I seem to have lost some of my creative juices (hence the irrelevant post today). Here's hoping that some bright ideas will come back with the toxins.

Cleansing

So I have two friends (one being Roomie #1) who are doing the Master Cleanse at the moment. If you've never heard of it, the cleanse is a fast or diet for 10 days when you only drink a "lemonade" mixture of fresh squeezed lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper. In addition, you drink laxative tea every day and use a natural enema, in this case a salt water flush. It's quite fascinating actually. The point is to detoxify. Not like I am eating fast food every day or putting drugs up nose, but I am definitely feeling the need to do something kind of radical to get a sort of jump start or fresh slate. Also, some added benefits of the cleanse are mental clarity, heightened sense of awareness, and a whole lot of energy. Physically, it is a complete cleanse of your colon and all that stuff on the inside where all the crud from the food we eat builds up over the years. So pretty much you crap your brains out. Paaaaaaaarty.

Anyways, after talking to my friends in length, and becoming somewhat obsessive about learning more, I have embarked upon this 10 day liquid diet. After all, I did already experience an 8 week period of no solid foods after my surgery (jaw wired shut... get it?) so I figure this should be a walk in the park. I will say that waking up at 4 in the morning to drink a quart of salt water is awful. The gag reflex really kicked in. Oh but now I understand why as children we were always instructed to never swallow salt water--it makes you poop... excessively. (This post is really going in a lovely direction, huh?)

So expect some interesting blog posts over the next 10 days. Hopefully I won't go crazy. I remember some times after my surgery when I would reach for food without even thinking. This might be worse because I can physically open my jaw. In any case, it's sure to be an adventure.