Showing posts with label mockery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mockery. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Does Tara Reid's Funny-or-Die video redeem Tara Reid?

Okay. We all know Tara Reid. She used to party with the Hilton sisters, she had some botched plastic surgeries, she makes my tanorexia look like childs' play, and her best acting role was probably as Bunny in The Big Lebowski.

Speaking of, in this Funny or Die video Tara Reid plays all the characters in the fictional The Big Lebowski 2. Not only is it pretty funny, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say GOOD FOR YOU TARA REID! This may redeem you. In fact, I think it does. 


See for yourselves:



Okay. What do you think? You know what. Don't answer that. Just fill out this poll. I KNOW! A POLL!


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Stupid Clip of the Day

This is hilarious and you must watch ALL the way through the end.



Ken Leeeeeeeeeee

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Friday, December 19, 2008

Puppets: Not just creepy, also good for laughs

Amidst my haze of illness I bring you the most hilarious Twilight parody I've yet to see. Actually it might not necessarily be hilarious, per se, but it is amazingly accurate. The entire movie is summed up in three minutes.



I'm glad they were even able to fit in the teen angsty jams.

Monday, December 15, 2008

YouTube Sensational

This makes me oh so happy.

The original:


The Family Guy reenactment:

Monday, November 24, 2008

Morning News Roundup

A highlight from my Monday morning blog/news reading extravaganza:



Clearly, the Huffington Post is shit out of luck with good stories to report now that the election is over. Yes, this was an image capture I grabbed from the front page. What a happy day it is when I get to determine whether or not a mustache belongs to a porn star or a democrat...

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Um, yes

I was recently turned onto to Michael Ian Black's blog and let me tell you, IT IS FABULOUS. It makes me cry and vomit at once, mostly because I AM SO ENVIOUS. (Jealousy is a funny thing my friends... very, very funny. AND TRICKY TOO.) Anyway, I especially appreciate his most recent post, "I Am Not a Real American" in which the final outcome is really that Michael Ian Black hates freedom. Which is awesome. Because I too hate freedom.

Look at this snippet, where Monsieur Black (you know the French also hate freedom) discusses the new theme in American political rhetoric wherein one "side" criticizes the other of being "anti-America" (aka Sarah Palin referencing the pro-American parts of the country aka Sarah Palin once again showing everyone she has no brain. Nope, none.) and he is now asserting him self as belonging to the "side" that is anti. See the following:

For example, I read the New York Times. Not once in a while. Every day. I thought I did this because I enjoy knowing what’s going on in the world, but now I know that I read that newspaper because I hate America.


OMG Michael Ian Black I AM SO right there with you. I read the NYT, HuffPo, CNN, WSJ, and actually FOX News (I like to know the mindset of the ENEMY) EVERY SINGLE DAY. You are so impressed right now. And look, I even have like 1% Republican street cred because of the FOX news thing. Oh and also my grandfather is an Obama-hating, Palin-loving, questionably racist NRA gun-toting old dude who lives in Florida... so that’s something.

Anyway... don’t really remember the point of this post... just check out the hilarity of that dude’s blog AND KEEP READING MY BLOG because some day maybe Michael Ian Black will blog about my blog and be like OMG you guys Jaw Wired Shut is so funny it makes me want to cry and vomit with envy. WOW. What a wild and crazy world that would be.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Michelle, soon to be unemployed

Here is a lovely email that's been going around all of Hollywood this morning:


Hey Ryan-I'm sorry, b/c I'm covering for Lindsey's usual asst., could you tell me, who's Rosh Hashanah and why would he/she affect Kristi's meeting with KN
and MC?

Thanks! I really appreciate it!

Michelle



Oh Michelle. You've so much to learn. Knowing Jewish holidays might be the most important thing in this town.

I am temtped to call up the company and ask for Rosh.

Cheers,
RHashanahasst@agency.com

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Spraken zie Chihuahua?

If you've seen WALL-E then you, like me, had to suffer through a preview for what might appear to be the worst movie ever made, Beverly Hills Chihuahua. I would rather make out with Dick Cheney than suffer through this piece of crap. That is, until this morning, when the resourceful Ditonto stumbled upon a new trailer... In German. This, folks, is a gem. Suddenly the annoying dogs seem more like a long-hidden and just revealed Nazi experiment.

Dah. Is good. (Not German but say it like Ahhhnuld and anything sounds German).

Monday, July 14, 2008

ANYWAY: My Father's Plight Against Poor Grammar

I just received this email from my dad:

Annie,

I caught up on your recent blog posts over lunch today. I don't know if I can read it anymore. Your continued use of "anyways" is killing me. I seem to recall that you did well in English during your years of formal schooling. I even recall a time when you wore a scarf at high school graduation signifying your membership in a select group at the top of your class. I don't recall that four years at an elite liberal arts college gave you license to bastardize the English language so I'm not quite sure where this comes from.

I decided to see if I could find anything on the Internet that would justify the disposal of sixteen years of topnotch and often costly education and came up with the following:


"Anyways is incorrect and is slangy, anyway is correct."

"'Anyways' is one of those words you would want to avoid saying in a job interview."

"Any way vs. Anyway vs. Anyways
Any way = 'any method' adjective
Anyway = 'in any case' adverb
Anyways = don’t use"

"'Anyways' is very informal and normally only heard in informal conversation. It is also not used by all native speakers. The standard word 'anyway' is fine in any kind of English (i.e. both formal and informal, both written and spoken)."

From the book, "When Bad Grammar Happens to Good People.": "'Anyway' never, ever has an "s" at the end." You see, you're not a bad person, just a person behaving badly.


This one is my favorite:

"This is going to be short and simple. Do not say or write 'anyways'--not ever. The word is 'anyway.' The form 'anyways' is found in some dialects in the United States, but it is not standard English, and it should never be used in any situation where you want to be considered reasonably well educated. That's all there is to it. "


I could have continued looking but after checking six sources, I think it's safe to say that there's nobody out there sanctioning the use of "anyways". But continue using the form if you like. Neither I nor, most likely, your educated friends (you still have a few?) will continue to read your blog but I'm sure you'll capture a certain number of the wackos who worship people like Celine Dion and John Stamos. Anyway, you can always bring us up to date with your latest epiphanies when we talk on the phone.

Love,
Dad


He certainly has a flair for the dramatic, wouldn't you agree? (Nice dig at my friends too Dad. Your popularity rating is skyrocketing right now.)

Okay, so apologies to everyone reading Jaw Wired Shut--if my terribly WRONG use of "anyways" has offended you, inspired feelings of nausea or shortness of breath, or just generally ruined your day--please forgive me. If you, like me, are "uneducated" and couldn't give a rat's ass--again, I apologize. But hey, a big YOU'RE WELCOME! to those who enjoy a good inner-family passive aggressive fight over email. Oh that's right--my brother and step-mom were CC'ed on the email, in an apparent attempt at grammar intervention I assume.

ANYWAY, I can't claim to have perfect grammar and I hope you are not reading this blog in hopes of finding evidence of top notch prose or a fine example of the English language--all you are going to find are a lot of opinions, pop culture references, and self absorption. Family issues are extra.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

London's Investigative Journalism Standards, Setting New Lows for Everyone

Sometimes I think I would like to live in London because I always enjoyed visiting the city and it's European but it's quite close to American, and they drink a lot of tea there and spell some words that would normally end in just "or" with "our" just because they can and everyone is so nice and maybe I could start to develop a slight accent, but less than Madonna's but ANYWAY MY POINT....

I am glad I do not live in the UK because their celebrity journalism is far worse than here in the US. They essentially invented the rag and the tabloid system of our fine country is practically plucked from theirs. (Actually, when I interned at Us Weekly I remember some of the Senior Editors had come over from the UK mags OK and Hello!)

But in England, they study things such as The Gwyneth Effect, or more commonly known as a bogus story The Mail invented to explain a sudden increase in consumer buying of high heels and its direct correlation to Gwyneth Paltrow. Good work England, keep up that stellar investigative journalism.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Collegiate Sports Reach a New Low

I am relieved I do not know a single person in this video, but I have to admit I am actually embarrassed to share their alma mater.



At least we beat Princeton.

Monday, February 25, 2008

I Can't Get Enough Milkshake

I found someone who does a better Daniel Planview impression than yours truly (it probably helps being a guy) and it's Bill Hader from SNL. Check out this sketch, which combines some of the best lines from There Will Be Blood (and has a Maine shout out!).

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Why I Love Celine Dion, Pt. 4

I really wish I was the genius YouTuber who had created these "Celine Dion is Amazing" videos. Here's another one, also brilliant, and all clips coming from her CBS special last Friday night. Which I DVRed. And watched, experiencing feelings of both love and horrifying embarrassment. The plight of a Celine fan. In her native tongue: c'est la vie.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Pop Up Video

I realize I said last week that I would not post Heidi Montag's disgusting music video on my blog. Well, I have to go back on that promise... somewhat.

This is the most fantastic mockery of this talentless twit I have seen in the craptastic pop media yet. Thank you, Best Week Ever.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Why I Love Celine Dion, Pt. 3

This video is fucking brilliant. There is no better way to describe it.



I can't take credit, the folks at Entertainment Weekly's PopWatch blog found it, but I had to share. Incredible!