Stamos vs. Stamos

Faithful readers, I owe you an apology - it's been over a year since the last Stamos vs. Stamos, and that, my dear friends, is terrible.  I fear that in the meanwhile, the other Stamos is gaining on me.  The good news is that while I've lost count of the overall score at this point, I feel confident that I am still winning (note: Stamos vs. Stamos competitions are almost always rigged in my favor, because well, he's John Fucking Stamos, so I'm operating with one hell of a handicap here - okay?).

HOWEVER: Today, my unflailing confidence has been brutally attacked. Crushed, almost. See, today I saw a picture of John Stamos at the premiere party for the new season of Glee - for which, as I mentioned before, he was mistakenly cast - and with one glimpse at that photo I KNEW it would be a tough round.

Look at this photo. LOOK HARD. Drink. It. In.

Pay close attention loyal readers.

Do you see it?

DO YOU SEE IT?

Yes, he's playing ping-pong, which not only demonstrates that he has a degree of athletic ability, but that he's fun to hang with at a party and probably has a great sense of humor too (whatever, he's amaaaaaaaaazing, FINE).

But it is NOT the ping-pong I am focused on here (by the way, I'm totally down for a Stamos vs. Stamos ping pong match. In the inevitable compeition reality show I'm just waiting for a network to pick up, this will definitely happen). No, how could I be focused on the ping-pong when there is something else here I cannot help but stare at...?

John Stamos is tan. VERY TAN. SO TAN I AM FIGHTING AN ENSLAUGHT OF RAGE/JEALOUSY/AROUSAL (that's a perfectly acceptable range of emotions so shut your piehole).  You see, Mr. Stamos - I am tan. I AM VERY TAN. I MAY OR MAY NOT (MAY) SUFFER FROM TANOREXIA - THAT IS HOW TAN I AM. People call me "Tannie Annie." People ask me how to properly apply sunscreen so that they too can be as tan as I am. People ask me if all I did all weekend was lay out in the sun (yes I did). I am both mocked and admired for my tan - it is a part of the Stamos package, a part of the Stamos je ne sais quoi, a part of the Stamos brand. The Stamos that is ME.  And here you are, with your perfect hair, and your excellent ping-pong paddle-holding form, with your not-too-bushy-but-just-enough-fluff eyebrows and pearly white teeth and you have a tan that not only rivals my tan, but could in fact surpass my own bronzed color.

NOT OKAY.

The good news, however, is that I just got back from six days in Maine where I spent a luxurious Labor Day weekend kayaking and playing tennis and laying on the beach, and eating fresh seafood gathered from the ocean that is essentailly my own backyard, (and what did you do this weekend? Work on that TV show or something? Laaaaaaaame) so I too am tan.  You know, I am SO TAN, in fact, that this round?

I win.

I don't even need to hold my forearm up against yours for comparison (however, I am completely open to that option if you'd like to challenge these results. We can rub forearms any day of the week). I win. I AM TANNER.

But nice try, Stamos. NICE TRY. I'll admit, it was a little too close for comfort this time. I don't think you've come this close to conquering me since you pulled out an improbable win at Disneyland.

Stamos vs. Stamos

Okay. Hold the phones. Hot of the press comes this news about my namesake/arch nemesis/eventual BFF & co-author of the as-of-yet unwritten Stamos & Stamos: Road Trip America!:

"John Stamos confesses that he’s conceptualizing a Full House feature film. He envisions the film to star James Franco as Uncle Jesse, Steve Carell as Danny Tanner and Tracy Morgan as Uncle Joey."

Okay Stamos. Really? Look, I get that your heyday was the Uncle Jesse era, what with the leather jackets and the mullet and the Olsen twins before they got weird, but even the best of us know when to quit. For example, I peaked in high school, and you don’t see me going around trying to recreate the glory days of being captain of the Field Hockey team and a member of the state champion Mock Trial group (yeah, that’s right, MOCK TRIAL).

Sure it’s cool you are trying to give the show a modern spin by introducing some diversity, and maybe re-casting what you like to think is a younger version of yourself (hmm....) But, I mean, you just had a pretty decent comeback with ER—I know that a Full House movie sounds nice and with this reinvigorated late 80s/early 90s kitsch everywhere it might even be timely. But dude, LET IT GO. From one Stamos to another...

So this round?

I win.

Obviously. And thank God because you really kicked my ass the last go-round.

Stamos vs. Stamos

Okay.

So remember that time (aka every time) when I beat John Stamos in a "Stamos vs. Stamos" competition, mostly by default, but also because I am biased toward myself winning in all irrationally stupid web-based competitions with famous TV actors?

Well, you can forget about me ever saying I was always a guaranteed win, folks, because today I have Earth-shattering proof that Stamos has just owned me. Dominated. Destroyed. He is the victor supreme.

Why?

Please see this photo:



Stamos: Epic Win.
1. He is posing with TINA FEY. This is a no-brainer.
2. He is at Disneyland.
3. He is also standing with Belle, Cinderella, and Snow White and while I’m slightly concerned he might be marginally racist (where are Jasmine and Ariel? What, do you have a thing against Persians and Mermaids, Stamos?), he is posing with some Goddamn DISNEY PRINCESSES.
4. He is wearing a fedora and dirty old-people Velcro shoes. And PULLING IT OFF. SOMEHOW. PROBABLY BECAUSE HE IS JOHN STAMOS.
5. He is referred to as a Disneyphile.

Stamos: Epic fail.
1. I have no pictures with Tina Fey (besides the one I have tucked into my mirror with a word bubble that says “work on some improv Stamos and someday you might have a shot. Like me. Also: try glasses.” That’s a lie. I have no such picture. Just in my head. And the drawer in my nightstand).
2. I have never been to Disneyland. Only Disneyworld. And naturally, Florida = Fail.
3. The closest I have ever come to standing with a princess is when I took that ridiculous Facebook quiz "Which Disney Princess are you?" and somehow landed with Mulan. Fucking Mulan.
4. I do not own a fedora nor do I have any shoes with velcro, nor could I successfully pull off this look.
5. I am not a Disneyphile. The only “phile” I might be is an X-Phile. (Also a Francophile—these two “-philes” were actually united in my secret 5th grade AOL screenname XFille—literal translation is X-Girl, which unbeknownst to me at the time did not indicate I was a nerdy fan of The X-Files but rather portrayed me as a French porn star, and resulted in a lot of confusing spam email). The shame!

I’ll get you next time Stamos.
MARK MY WORDS.

Stamos vs. Stamos

OMG YOU GUYS.

We have a tight competition for Stamos & Stamos today. And it all has to do with the following word. A word that makes me think of JESUS, THE CELTICS, and BRITISH MONARCHIES.

LEGACY.

Yes, today we're going to see how the two Stamos' face off in a race that is all about legacy.

First up, John Stamos (the dude):
'Full House' Remake? You got it dude.



Okay. I know what you are thinking. You are thinking how can Stamos (the chick... me) top that! I can't even get a mere 100 people to read my blog on a daily basis so how could my legacy even compete with his?

Let me just go right ahead and announce,

I win.

Yep. I do. Why? Well at this point it really boils down to the age thing. Sure I am turning 25 in less than a month, but that is 20 years younger than John Stamos, and I think it's safe to say we know what his legacy is: sick 80s hair, melodrama, and leather jackets (and a critically acclaimed stint in Cabaret on Broadway... I guess?). As for me? Well, that's where I win; we have NO IDEA where my future is going to take me but I have a feeling (or so this handwriting analysis lady once told me) that one of these days shit's gonna get real. I am about to blow this world wide open--my legacy is just going to dwarf that of John Stamos, bless him.

Editor's Note, Stamos vs. Stamos posts are in no way biased, despite Stamos (the chick) winning all previous entries. Nope, no predetermined wins here... none at all... it's all very objective... especially here... and here... and here...

Stamos vs. Stamos

I'm going to go ahead and preemptively declare the winner of the latest round of Stamos vs. Stamos to be me. Why? Because although John Stamos actually stars in and is the subject of various movies, he might not have friends who randomly messenger him said movies to his office on a generic Thursday.

I do.



Winner: This Stamos. (If there was someway I could inject some sort of animation of an asshole with two thumbs up pointing at himself, that's what I would put right here. Because that's what I am doing.)

P.S. Andy Shrub? Psh. There's only one John Stamos... and his name is ANNIE.

Stamos vs. Stamos

Hello!

It’s been a while since a real Stamos-Stamos tête-à-tête, so I’d like to bring back this special feature to all of you.

Seen here : Stamos (me) asleep in a chair last Christmas. (Alcohol may or may not have been involved... read: may)



Seen here : Stamos (John) questionably (answer: yes) drunk after an appearance on an Australian talk show last summer



Challenge: who does drunk better?

Let’s dissect the evidence.

In the first photo there I am, sleeping sound like wee little baby, all snuggled up and happy in my comfortable puffy coat. Don't you just want to snuggle up with me? Aren't my brown tights so shiny and nice?

In the second photo there he is, the normally effervescent Uncle Jesse looking demonized and scary, after he (according to People) “wandered around the set of the morning show, read host Kerri-Anne Kennerley's lines from the teleprompter and made lewd gestures in front of her.”

Winner? Stamos by a landslide.

Oh yeah... ME. That Stamos.

The judge of the Stamos vs. Stamos competition is biased in judging in every way possible. Work with me people, he's a goddamn movie star! Okay, that's an exaggeration--he's a goddamn TV star! From the 80s! Currently experiencing a television comeback! With great hair!

Stamos vs. Stamos

Another entry in the me vs. John Stamos series. This time around it's regarding a very important person in both of our lives... Lori Loughlin aka Aunt Becky from Full House.

I know what you are thinking: you are thinking He-Stamos has it in a lock because not only was Stamos her TV-husband, but he spent about eight years on that show with her, and they must be pretty close. However, here is the competition:

Who has seen Lori Loughlin most recently?

I win.

Surely you think I am crazy but it's true. Granted, I don't know the full details of He-Stamos's every waking hour, but I am pretty sure I win this one. For the past three mornings in a row I have seen Lori Loughlin in her Mercedes SUV driving to the same gym in Brentwood, as I drive past her going the other direction (please note this is also where I saw Chris O'Donnell so methinks I have found some sort of special gym. I think it is called Burn 60 or something. I wonder if that is 60 pounds or 60 minutes...). Anyways, my morning drive by with Aunt Becky has become pretty regular. So not only have I seen her more recently but more frequently. HAH!

Stamos 0
Stamos 2

Stamos vs. Stamos

The first photo is the well-known actor John Stamos of such hits Full House and the recently-aired Raisin in the Sun.

The second photo is... me, nicknamed at age 14, Stamos.

Thus begins a new regular series I will be exploring in which I will compete with John Stamos in a variety of areas. Categories will include, but are not limited to, hair, musical talent, acting capabilities, wardrobe, potent potables, and... miscellaneous.

Today's entry will simply be a photo duel, in which Stamos will take on me (Stamos) and we go toe to toe, or rather pose to pose, in the above photos.

I win.

Normally I wouldn't be so quick to judge. I like to take matters such as these seriously, especially when it comes to the REAL John Stamos (and not my dad, who ironically, is another REAL Jon Stamos--no H). I lack the physique and the rich flowing mane, as well as the beads of water pooling on my chest (actually they are probably there, but in my case it's definitely sweat). However, the male-Stamos loses this round thanks to the following characteristic: he has an OUTTIE belly button. EW. While I realize that my perfect INNIE belly button is not on display (do you honestly think I would post photos of my midriff on my blog? Not yet), I can guarantee I have no protrusions in the stomach area of any sort. Better luck next time, John.

Stamos 0
Stamos 1