Happy Holidays!!!

I just put the final touches on my Huffington Post Pop Culture Christmas List which reminded me, as most things do, that I am negligent when it comes to blogging here. I even took the link to Jaw Wired Shut out of my bio. I just feel bad when the bulk of my writing/blogging is over at Tumblr. Pretty soon I am going to figure out how to combine these two and then it will just be a one stop shop for all things moi. 


Anyway - I'll share the link when it posts, but I just wanted to wish everyone a happy and healthy holiday break - I'm in bed and it's 2:30pm. So that's awesome.

Happy Holidays from Jaw Wired Shut!

Happy Holidays everyone!

I'm about to leave for a vacation that includes a few days in New York City followed by a week in Peru. I'm back in LA the night of January 4th (cough mybirthday cough) and I'd say there's a 75% chance I don't write on this here blog once that entire time.

However, you can bet your asses I'll be on Twitter - so follow me, if you aren't already, which is unlikely, but I feel as though that should be mentioned. And if you're spending a lot of your time thinking, "God I wish Annie Stamell was blogging right now" then I would say this: (1) Dad get away from the computer (2) call your therapist or (3) I've been writing this since like, 2007, and I used to write about a lot of weird shit so just, like, read old posts or something.

But yeah - The Twitter. I'll be there. I might even be tweeting from Peru... but hopefully not - I'm really trying to get a nice break from technology this vacation. I'm even leaving my computer at home! [Insert gasp to express shock here].

So until my triumphant return, thanks so much for visiting! To all the people who've taken the time this year to check out my blog for some reason or another, I think it's just swell. Some of you came because you thought I offered legitimate advice about maxillofacial surgery. Others because you want to talk TV. Others because you thought this was Ann Coulter's blog.  Others because you can't turn away from the crazy. Others because you thought this was John Stamos' blog. Others because you're my Dad, and I make you.

No matter what the reason, I'm glad you found me! Thanks for visiting, and I hope you'll keep reading Jaw Wired Shut in the New Year (even you, Ann Coulter fans).

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!
Love,
Annie

BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes.

Gourds are weird. This is epic:

IT'S DECORATIVE

GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS.

BY COLIN NISSAN

- - - -

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I'm about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it's gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There's a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I'm going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, "Aren't those gourds straining your neck?" And I'm just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, "It's fall, fuckfaces. You're either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you're not."

Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Diff'rent Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn't it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they're both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that's upsetting, but I'm not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.

The next thing I'm going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I'm going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it's not summer, it's not winter, and it's not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it's fall, fuckers.

Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you're going to fucking love my house. Just look where you're walking or you'll get KO'd by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you're going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.

Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!

Thank you McSweeny's.

Halloween on 'Community'

I'm not going to say anything. Okay I am: I am going to say that you should watch this preview for the Halloween episode of Community and then ask yourself "what is wrong with me that I am not watching this show, and how can I rectify this potentially fatal error?"

I know. WATCH COMMUNITY.

Halloween!

Okay you guys. Based on what you know of me - whether or not you are one of my best childhood friends and know everything about me... or you just have an opinion formed completely on your perception of the posts in this here blog - what the hell should I be for Halloween?

I refuse to do any of that "Slutty Nurse" bullshit. That's just an excuse to dress like a slut. If you want to dress like a slut, dress like a slut, and then tell people you are a slut. Profound, right? Needlepoint that shit.

80s Ski Suit

Anyhoo - I've been toying with ideas ranging from - a little kid, an old lady who lives in Florida and spends too much time on the beach, Rocky, a zombie, a Lobsterman, an 80s skiier (please note I end up dressing like an 80s athlete just about every year so I'm probably going to end up in a once piece ski suit at one point regardless of what I choose), a lobster, Punky Brewster, or.... yeah that's where I run out of ideas.  All I know is I want to be comfortable. I mean, unlike most girls, I view Halloween as the one time of the year I get to wear sweatpants out to a bar.


So, what should I be? Any and all suggestions are welcome.

This & That

+I've started a little guest-blogging stint for Zap2it.com - check out my piece "Stamos on Stamos" (more entries forthcoming) for a little taste. Mayhaps my dream for the "Stamos vs. Stamos Reality Show" is closer to becoming a reality. The irony in all this - at least, it's ironic to me - is that I never was really a diehard fan of John Stamos. It's just my nickname. And I happen to share the name with someone quite famous, which has led to a lot of funny posturing and comparisons (from my end, obv).  Thanks to Twitter for confusing everyone...

+In the world of TV and TV-watching, I'm already feeling pretty burnt out. Last night I was going through my DVR and caught at least 6 shows I'm already sufficiently behind in. Thing is, I am totally okay with that. That's the thing about people who work in television - they don't actually have time to watch TV. As long as I watch all the pilots and sort of just stay looped in, I am totally okay with not devoting the hours upon hours required for watching everything. Especially when I'd rather spend my free time Monday night working on my writing.

+Speaking of writing, it's so fun being in a class again - granted, it makes me really long for college days, but it's pretty great walking around the UCLA campus and going to classes.  Even better is this writing class is going to force me to start and make a dent in a new project entirely - I'm looking forward to that.

+I'm still convinced we're having an earthquake every five minutes. Okay, not that often but I swear to God I feel earthquakes all the time.

+I kind of want to learn how to play golf. It was the one country club sport I never learned, mostly because I spent most of my time at the club in the pool or being forced to tennis lessons. I feel like now I might really enjoy golf. I'm going to look into that.

+Why is it that the month following Labor Day is always so packed and stressful? It's as though this is the real start to the year - the real time for resolutions and plans.  Not sure I'm sticking to any of my goals. I think I need to find a better balance for my weekends where I am a little more productive and a little less not-sober. Ha. Or I need to figure out how to survive on less sleep. I once heard that Bill Clinton trained himself to get only 5 hours of sleep a night and it made a world of difference. How can I do that?

"It's always fun to get away from camp. Even for an hour!"

I spent the 4th of July weekend in the lovely Napa Valley region, on a "girls and gays" trip to Sonoma for lots of wine tastings and Broadway sing-alongs. It was heavenly.

I hadn't left LA since April, and before that I guess it had been Christmas. As nice as it is to stay local on long weekends and relax, I forgot how incredibly refreshing it is to get out of town.

When we were in the cab on the way home from the airport yesterday I turned to my friends and remarked at how lovely it was to get away. DiTonto, of course, had the perfect response, in the form of a Wet Hot American Summer quote:



Please note - Waterville, Maine doesn't actually look like that.

Look! My Easter egg matches my sweatshirt!

My brother had an egg-dyeing party last Friday.

I went for the matchy-matchy color explosion:



Now, I've been told you aren't supposed to eat the eggs you've dyed but I've been doing it all week. Is that bad?

Happy St. Patty's!

Happy St. Patrick's day everyone! (A perfect excuse to slap a big Celtics logo on here).



Or, as I like to think of it, today is that day we all would be having a lot more fun if we lived in Boston. I'm pretty sure LA doesn't care a whole lot about this holiday. Don't worry I am wearing a BRIGHT green dress today in my support of holiday pride.

In other news, I watched the fantastic and much-anticipated 100th episode of Bones earlier this week, and after noticing lots of spoilers and speculation hit the web I was prompted to write a new anti-spoiler piece on The Huffington Post. It sort of makes me laugh because I have gone through moments of SUPREME spoiler hunting myself, and here I am preaching a whole new sermon. I mean, I'm the girl that snooped for my Christmas presents each year! But I don't know, I'm starting to reach a state of zen when it comes to knowing what may or may not happen. It's exhausting reading a spoiler and worrying about something you can't control or don't even see in context. But it's also weirdly addictive. I remember back when I was obsessed with Grey's Anatomy I would obsessively look for spoilers online. In fact, I'd almost equate spoilers with drugs or something - you know they are bad for you but you can't help it. WELL STOP. HELP YOURSELF. Read a book instead.

Okay, now go drink some green beer or something. I've got a stimulating afternoon ahead of me - writing, reading, watching dailies, cleaning my bosses office (ah, yes, the joys of being a TV assistant) to be followed by an even more stimulating evening of laundry and reading. Yep, that's how I am celebrating St. Patty's this year. Actually, go ahead and drink a green beer for me!

My Christmas Card

I hope Santa makes all your dreams come true this holiday season. Even if he doesn’t return your calls.

Cheers!
Annie

Yes, it's so LA, but the card was designed by my dad. Like the cartoon? Find more here: http://gigundoindustries.com/

UPDATE: In typical Hollywood fashion, the card is already making the rounds, without credit. Props to my dad and his drawing partner, George Hughes - the credit is all theirs!

Making a List, Checking it Twice

In case you missed out, my Pop Culture Christmas list is up at HuffPo.

But I know what you really want. You want my REAL Christmas list, the one I actually send to my family, because even though I am 26 years old I still write a Christmas list, every single year (I wasn't kidding when I said I value the importance of the list and its ability to help your loved ones shop at a greater ease).

So for a refresher, last year's list, and now the new one... (pulled from the family email chain).

I really don't need anything, and it's funny because this might be the first year where I seriously struggled to think of what I want/need:

But as Carla has insisted...

Here ya go (bigger stuff listed near the top):

Coachella tickets
Digital Camera
Barbour "Beaufort" coat in Olive - or whatever they are calling green (maybe Sage?)
a bike
Someone to pay off my credit card debt? (A long shot, I know)
That we go onto the AT&T family plan!!!
New headphones (with a mic) for my iPhone (I legitimately need these bc those ones that came with the phone are shitty and I've already gone through two pairs)
Up! on DVD
Save the Cat (screenwriting book)
Elephant Bucks (TV writing book)
Maybe a gray purse? I am into slouchy messenger bag types that aren't too big... or dark brown, or a bright red/orange bag?
Gift certificates to any of the following are always great: J. Crew, Madewell, Piperlime, Anthropologie, Amazon, Target, Lulu Lemon, Orvis
New Yoga mat and maybe one of those nice yoga blanket/towel things

Some thoughts:
(1) Yes, I asked for a gift card to Orvis. I'm from Maine, remember?
(2) I really, really want an excuse to not pay my cellphone bill so I figure the family plan is the best bet.
(3)The one common thing on both lists? Someone to pay my credit cart debt. How sad.
(4) Compared to last year, I'm a little less obsessed with working out, it would appear.
(5) I don't want to disclose how many digital cameras I've gone through, which is why I know that's one thing on my list I probably won't be getting...
(6) Ha. Hahaha. I "struggled." Haha. Lies.

Turkey vs. David Duchovny vs. David Boreanaz vs. Tim Riggins vs. Seeley Booth

Thanksgiving is awesome. Really. Mostly because of the food. But also, it’s just such a great holiday. Okay, so the food has a LOT to do with that, but also, it’s just fantastic to get some downtime. I didn’t head back east this year, and had my third Turkey Day on the west coast, however this time around I did it right; cooking up a big feast with friends and family. So big in fact, that I was enjoying leftovers up until last night.

Beyond that, having a lot of time to lay low and do nothing was much needed. I spent lots of time playing with our dog, catching up on TV, getting lots of sleep, running down by the beach, running errands, and yes, eating lots of food.

I’d like to focus on one excellent part of our Thanksgiving dinner this year. And I’m not talking about the epic game of "Apples to Apples" that followed the meal. Before dessert, we all took our paper dessert plates (we were far too lazy to deal with dishes at this point) and on the back of them, drew pictures and wrote down what we are thankful for. Sure we’re all in our 20s and 30s, but there’s nothing like expressing what you're thankful for with a little arts and crafts.

So what am I thankful for? Besides my family and friends, my plate also included the following:


J. Crew
David Boreanaz
Xanax
Manu Chao

And I think there were others but I don't remember them. These are the really important ones. Duh.

(My plate also included a poorly drawn turkey in the shape of my hand. I would say that I wish I had taken a photo, but it was a pretty embarrassing hand-turkey).

It’s worth noting that my brother was appalled David Boreanaz got a slot on that list, because not too long ago the only David I would have talked about would've been David Duchovny. Interestingly, this sparked a discussion about the staying power of Duchovny, who’s still killing it on Californication. But my roommate Adubs made the valid point that Boreanaz has swiftly advanced his TV career from Buffy to Angel and now Bones.

This also reminds me of a recent chat I had with my roommates (okay when I say chat I mean frivolous discussion one Saturday after watching lots of TV while hungover), but here’s something to think about…

Tim Riggins vs. Seeley Booth

The general consensus was that we’d all want to have sex with Tim Riggins but Seeley Booth is the marrying kind. However, this is an excellent topic for debate. And to all the FNL and Bones fans out there, I implore you to ponder these two fine male specimen and get back to me with your opinion.

Huh, this post started out with Thanksgiving and ended up with me contemplating who I’d rather be with between two fictional TV characters.

I need to get out more.

(Okay so I really just wanted an excuse to search for pictures of man candy. What do you expect? It's the Monday after a holiday!)

Hello! Hello! It's me!

Oh hello there. Ah yes, I am at long last posting after the long holiday weekend. It's taken me longer than normal to consider getting around to a weekend recap. This is mostly due to the fact that I've spent the entire day in a groggy haze. Motivation levels have been low, as well as actual productivity. However, I like to think of Mondays as my free pass--the day when it's okay to be a little bit of a disaster because come Tuesday I'll have all my shit together.

At least that's what I tell myself.

My Fourth of July weekend was full of freedom, friends, family (well, not mine) and buckets of fun. Truly. It's been especially fun because DiTonto's parents have been staying with us since Thursday, and we've all decided it would be great to have parents living with us always. Funny how in high school that would have been the last thing I would have wanted. But since they've been in town it's been a non stop frenzy of delicious food and hilarity. Mostly because they call DiTonto "Peanut." I love these family names. One of my best friends' from home's family calls her Munchie or Munch which is just the greatest thing ever. Speaking of nicknames, even DiTonto's parents call me Stamos.

A Middlebury friend was in town over the weekend to "crush the scene" for a lot of "epicocity" (his lingo, not mine) and it made me want to just steal away all my friends from college and bring them all to LA and have them all live within 5 miles of me and then everything would be perfect. But I supposes that's what college was, and now we must settle for the occasional visit.

The highlight of the weekend was probably DiTonto's parents picking up their intoxicated daughter and 10 of her friends Saturday night. It really feels good to get spoiled every now and then.

Excuse me while I curl up into fetal position and cry for a while

So this is the first summer in probably the past five or six years that I won't be celebrating the 4th of July with my extended family (on the Stamell side) on Martha's Vineyard.

See for most people, the 4th signifies excessive drinking and AMERICA but for me it's more of a low key affair--good food, nice dinner with my dad & step-mom, then driving to Edgartown in time to either miss the fireworks and watch them in the pouring rain.

So forgive me if I am not jumping with joy to be celebrating the 4th this year here in LA. LA doesn't scream FREEDOM and AMERICA'S BIRTHDAY to me, not like the quaint New England settings I am used to.

But, I shall try to make the most of it. Rather than mope around the house homesick I've got a very patriotic bathing suit to wear (it just screams "I love freedom!") and plan on getting some R & R. And in addition to celebrating America's birthday, it's my official half-birthday as well. Which is normally awesome but this year sucks. Being 25 is cool. 25 and a half? Less cool. Because it's halfway to 26 and I think that anything after 25 is upsetting. But talk to me about this again when I am 30 and we'll see if I feel differently.

HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!

Today the universe does not shit on Mexico. Today the universe APPRECIATES Mexico. (Although apparently Mexico doesn't care about Cinco de Mayo? I think this is a holiday meant strictly for excessive taco & beer consumption).

In other news, apparently Mexico is still riddled with Swine Flu. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO MEXICO!

OH SHIT! My orchid, Lulu, (that's Horace's girlfriend) is wilting. HOW DO I TAKE CARE OF ORCHIDS? WHO AMONG MY READERS HAS A GREEN THUMB AND CAN SHARE SOME ORCHID-CARING TIPS? I should call my step-grandmother and ask. She has like 100 orchids. That's what she spends her money on. Orchids and White Persian show cats. I am in no way joking. I hate White Persian show cats. No cat should be allowed to have LONG HAIR. NONE. And certainly not white hair. That is disgusting. HONESTLY. But my step-grandmother, well she's great. A real character. I could do without the cats...

School Spirit

Just four years ago I was spending an epic St. Patrick's Day in Dublin, dressed in green complete with face paint, an Irish Rugby shirt and a headband with shamrocks, watching a bizarre celebratory parade, drinking copious amounts of Guinness, getting intoxicated in public (and by 1pm in the afternoon)--all that fun stuff. And here I am, 4 years later and the closest thing to green I'm wearing today is a large turquoise necklace. And did I mention I am wearing a hot pink skirt?

Truth be told, I completely forgot it was St. Patty's today--I wouldn't say LA isn't the most "spirited" of cities, and certainly doesn't seem to have the same rambunctious Irish-American population as a city like Boston does (I imagine a few my friends there are already drunk, and rightly so). It appears to be just another day like any other in this city.

I'm a little sad I forgot to show some Irish pride today (although I am pretty sure I am all British/Scottish on one half--no Irish) especially because I pride myself in my spirit. Yes, I was deemed one half of Most School Spirit, Falmouth High School Class of '02 (my good friend Nate being the other half, the yearbook photo featuring me sitting on his shoulders with one of those giant foam thumbs on my hand--in retrospect we probably both won that accolade because we were equally obnoxious at soccer games and the like). I like to think I still bring that spirit with me still--and it applies to holidays or other occasions. But here I am today--feeling apathetic and likely to not go out tonight (what, I've got a 6:30am pilates session tomorrow?). Does this mean I am getting older? Or have I become jaded and am one of the many who now accept apathy as a necessary crutch to coping? God, that's depressing. I'm going to go with my original theory--I simply forgot.

So, Happy St. Patrick's Day--whether you're wearing green or not.

So my Christmas cards just came...

Thing is, I ordered them on December 16th and Snapfish royally screwed it up. At least I got a refund. So for all those reading who usually get a Stamell Christmas card (this is a highly SELECT group of individuals), don't worry, it'll be en route soon. Better late, than never, right? Right?

New Years Resolutions

Have you been worrying that you might not get to hear what my New Year’s resolutions were? Well stop worrying because I am about to ROCK YOUR WORLD.



Actually, I am not, but I am going to enlighten you with my goals for 2009. Get ready for enlightenment:

1. Complete a body of work by year’s end. This can be an essay, a pilot, a screenplay, a book—something other than the blog, and something I might be interested in getting other people to read, so that maybe it will be published/sold/made/mocked/ridiculed/stolen/destroyed/applauded as genius.
2. Drink less alcohol. This is a little vague I realize, so I am thinking I might change this to one night a week. But then I wonder is that feasible? No I can handle that. Yeah. Drink less.
3. Get my shit together. This I have already failed miserably, both in my New Year’s Day all day drinking (to delay hangover—okay so I have failed Resolution #2 as well), and in the fact that I left my computer on the plane Sunday. Oh and also in my inability to properly dress myself. Perhaps my shit will never get together.

Okay so I guess that it’s it. I think #1 is the only real attainable goal, but I think it’s a good one. Maybe?

Planes, Trains and Automobiles (Well, just trains actually)

This very moment I am blogging LIVE from the Downeastern Rail. Yes folks, I am on the train to Boston. FROM PORTLAND!

Now for all you non-Mainers reading, this might not sound like anything of interest, but for those of us locals, we know that not only is the train to Boston a recent amenity, but a less frequently used one. So why my sudden change from the beloved bus to the train?

Snow.

Yes, friends, as I had hoped for, it's snowing (of course the weather gods finally listen to me the day I leave. THANKS A LOT). Snow means delays in bus times and significant increases in traffic. And I've got some SERIOUS NEW YEARS EVE PLANS to get to in the great city, resident home of my beloved Celtics, Red Sox, and just about all my closest friends from growing up in Maine. The Bean.

I wish I could take credit for this clever, weather-dodging idea, but alas, it was while I was standing in line for a bus ticket that some chill dude chatted up my brother and recommend I hop on the train--for just $3 more I could be in Boston with no weather delays--best part (for me), WIFI! Hook, line, and sinker.

I absolutely love travelling by train. It's one of the number one things I miss about Europe. When I lived in Switzerland it was how I traveled to and from school everyday, taking a 13 minute train from Nyon into Geneva and back. An entertaining moment would be regular announcements for the various stops, all of which were in three languages (because those Swiss are pretty much 900x smarter than everyone else) and every day upon approaching the city I would hear,

"Prochain arrêt, Genève
Nächster Halt, Genf.
Next stop, Geneva."

I wish I could do all the accents for each language announcement--the German one is hilarious because of how Genf was said, and the English was spoken with a flighty British accent.

When I was living in Paris, I stayed a month after I was done with school and traveled around with a Eurail pass for 5 weeks, mostly by myself, backpacking in France, Switzerland, and Italy. Man I would kill to go back to those easy days again. Traveling solo is the most liberating experience--especially when you have no rigid agenda, and only an interest to see the world. I used to spend hours on train rides writing--it's truly the most productive passive travel, I think, and a great way to see a beautiful landscape.

Speaking of seeing, it looks beautiful outside with this snow. Maybe I'll get lost in a daydream and stare at the window for a while.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Years, FROM THE FUTURE

I woke up this morning and did my usual routine of checking all my blogs/news magazines, and one of the top headlines on HuffPo was about the big New Year celebration in Sydney, a dramatic fireworks display included.



Yes, it' already 2009 in Australia! Happy New Year!

Time zones are mind boggling to me. I'm still just waking up and everyone in Australia is celebrating... or maybe they are already hungover... but they're in a different year altogether. It's wild!