Trolls Now Look Like Sluts

You guys remember trolls, right? Well check out what the NEW trolls look like:

Via The Hairpin

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

First of all, trolls are not only an American pastime, they are, in fact (and more traditionally), a Norwegian pastime.

I only know this because growing up my father did a lot of business with Norway and there were always Norwegians just like chillin' at my house with names like Bjorn and Peter-Bjorn and Bjorn-Bjorn and we always used to get trolls as gifts and they looked a lot more like the trolls I already played with (the ones on the left in the picture, duh), except a lot uglier. So, like, they ended up in our formal dining room in a weird diorama setting that served as an ode to my dad's foreign business. Or something.

So already, the Americanized version of the troll was just a lot prettier than the original Norwegian ugly/scary version (no offense to Bjorn, Peter-Bjorn or Bjorn-Bjorn). I don't even know how this Norwegian tchtochke ever transitioned to the United States, but it did, and man - trolls were awesome. I had a LOT of trolls. And I even recall going to a troll-themed birthday party. And remember the baby trolls? Those little fuckers were cute.

I remember playing with trolls with my friend Amy the day I found out my grandma died. I was so upset that Amy offered me one of her most beloved trolls (one of the ones with the gemstone in the belly-button, which was like, the MOST awesome) which is not only a sign of true friendship (yes, Amy remains one of my best friends today - and it's her birthday tomorrow, so this is all quite perfectly timed) but a sign of how awesome trolls were. I mean, if you think about it, it's totally weird, but it was just like, one of those phenomenons of the 90s (although apparently these trolls first came onto the scene in the 1960s? Who knew!?!).

So imagine my outrage when I discovered today that the look of the trolls has been updated. And what do they look like? Sluts. Trolls are now slutty.

Look, no one wants a slutty troll. Part of the joy of the troll doll is that it's ugly, yet somehow also cute. Like a Furby or a Chia Pet or certain breeds of dogs. Trolls are certainly are not slutty. 

Speaking of slutty - apparently all these AMAZING toys and characters from our youth are being updated - and yes, they all look slutty. THIS. IS. BULLSHIT. I mean look at those trolls! I know the midriff-baring look is all hot in the fashion circles right now, but again, ON TROLLS - trolls who no longer have pudgy bellies and potato-sack clothes (if they were even wearing clothes) - they should not be wearing midriff-baring outfits. You know what? These trolls look like Bratz dolls.  In other words - slutty and gross and inappropriate for children to be playing with. 

In sum, I'm going to tell my dad to get me Bjorn or Peter-Bjorn or Bjorn-Bjorn on the phone because I vote we just get those nasty little Norwegian trolls over to America to show all these new slutty trolls what's up. Who's with me?

Best New Website Ever (of the day)

Things 90s Kids Realize.

If you were born in the 80s but spent the majority of your childhood in the 90s then holy shit this website will fill you with a strange mix of glee and heart-wrenching nostalgia for simpler times involving Carmen San Diego, Nickelodeon game shows, The Magic School Bus, Goldeneye, and even Fruit Stripe.  Enjoy!

Robyn's totally helping on the early-90s revival movement and I'm loving it

Check out Robyn's new Diplo-directed music video that I want to live inside.

All TV, all the time.

I have cable TV. In my bedroom. This, my friends, is HUGE.

The only other time such a monumental event has taken place was during the six months after my jaw surgery, and two of those months I spent a lot of hours in bed, recuperating, so it was something of a necessity.

Now? Still a necessity! HAH! (Can you sense my attempt at rationalizing this new development, something I was raised by my parents to be adamantly against?) Well, it’s for my job. No, really. I know, I know – I have to watch TV for work. Poor me. See, prior to my new TV addition, we had one television with DVR that was shared by essentially 6 people give or take (depending on the day… we have a very social apartment). And when it became clear that I was going to need to start watching a lot of different shows we might not normally record, I decided to just bite the bullet and get some DirecTV for my room – this way I don’t have to worry about dueling recording schedules or things getting deleted before watching. And when I come home I don’t have to disrupt the roommates who may all already be watching something else that I either don’t want to watch, or don’t have time to watch.

HOWEVER, a direct result of this? I’ve started watching NCIS. Look, I like to claim I would never watch a show on CBS, but the thing is, this is the #1 most watched drama in the country, so I know I’m not alone here. It’s a good show. And it’s got some science stuff. And I LOVE science. Also – fun characters – it's essentially another one of those procedurals that sucks you in with interesting cases, and keeps you watching because of the character arcs.

As fun as it is to be watching a new show, there are some serious problems with this. First of all, NCIS is on ALL the time. It’s in syndication on USA which means that when USA had an NCIS Viewer’s Choice marathon on Saturday I was helpless – sucked in immediately. The other bad thing is that the main reason I got the cable hooked up in my room is because I’m supposed to be watching more comedy. Yep, I’m trying to watch the comedy slates on ALL the networks. So it doesn’t help when I find myself four hours into a procedural drama marathon. And one episode of How I Met Your Mother won’t make up for it.

But really, having cable in my room? It’s just awesome. This morning while I was getting ready for work I watched Obama sign the healthcare bill. IN MY ROOM. WHILE I WAS GETTING READY. Maybe this seems pretty 90s to a lot of you, but seriously, this is like, A MAJOR LIFE EVENT IN THE LIFE OF ANN P. STAMELL.

Now excuse me while I go research the best NCIS episodes I may have missed... Oh God. I just had a vision of my future: goodbye social life, I'm just going to be glued to TV marathons. Even worse is that my obsession with CNN and MSNBC and those all-news networks is probably going to come back. And don't even get me started on all the ESPN sports docs I am going to get sucked into... and have I mentioned NCIS?

Sports Doc Must Watch: Magic & Bird

Last night I finally watched HBO Sports' Magic & Bird: A Courtship of Rivals, a documentary I'd been anticipating seeing as soon as I heard about its existence.

The film did not disappoint, in fact Magic & Bird far exceeded my expectations. I was blown away, so much so, that I had tears rolling down my cheeks the last twenty minutes of the film which is NOT common for me.



I have a soft spot for sports documentaries as it is, and as I grew up in the late 80s and early 90s, much of my youth was spent obsessing over Magic, Bird and the Dream Team. I remember sitting at my counter eating breakfast before school and my dad quizzing me on the names of the Dream Team members. We used to have the plastic cups with all their pictures and stats - Magic Johnson was the first time I heard about or understood what HIV and AIDS were. I know that many other children who grew up in the same time would agree, and that nostalgic component makes the film that much more enjoyable.

My dad instilled a great love for the game of basketball in both my brother and I, and there was no better time to appreciate the sport then during the years of the Magic-Bird rivalry, and even I only got the tail end of that. This film is so spectacular, not only for showing the extent of their rivalry, but for showing their profound connection to each other, and sincere friendship. A must-see.

Wicked 90s

I have a tendency to use decades as adjectives. For example, this past President's Day weekend was pretty epic in a decade-specific way. How do I mean? Well, most epic was the 90s sleepover party that rounded up my Sunday night. What began as a typical night at Venice bars (what's that, it was Valentine's Day? Yeah, didn't notice) ended up with 5 people eating snacks in our living room, watching Beetlejuice (sidenote: probably one of my top five favorite movies ever) and playing Jenga. Yes, Jenga. Even better? We all slept in the living room, sprawled out on couches, and it wasn't until around 6am that people emerged from confused sleep and I stumbled off to my own bed (turns out, it is better to sleep with a blanket!).

Additionally, I watched a LOT of Olympics this weekend. Which feels very 90s to me as well, considering I spent the better part of my childhood obsessed with skiing and figureskating - and even competing in both at different points. I could watch the Olympics allllll day...