JAW WIRED SHUT HAS MOVED TO TUMBLR!!!

Hello. I've stopped blogging here at jaw wired shut because I'm lazy and tumblr is easy and wonderful. You will find a different sort of jaw wired shut over there. It's a lot like it used to be here. It's pretty much the same, actually. 

  I'm here, at http://stamos.tumblr.com


love,
stamos 



 

The Most Important Excel Spreadsheet Ever: Fall TV 2011

Hey guys! If you've found my blog from my Tumblr, my Twitter or my most recent HelloGiggles Open Letter (to Fall TV, duh) then you know what this is about... oh yeah and that subject heading up top probably tipped you off...

So if you click here you should be able to see and download my color coded Fall TV 2011 spreadsheet! It's nothing super fancy but it's got all the network shows on it and you'll get a glimpse of what shows I'm going to be watching this Fall!

Some things to remember -- I simply don't have time to watch everything and even though it looks like I do, I don't. So please don't give me a hard time if I'm not watching or recording a certain show. That being said, I love to talk about TV and tell you about it and well, being that I currently WORK on a TV show (coughcough watch The Finder when it premieres in January coughcough) you should totally feel free to chat with me about TV shows whenever you want. 

I've been blogging here, predominantly about TV, for the past four years, and although a lot of my online work is now delegated to Tumblr, Huffington Post or HelloGiggles, I still do check in here on occasion with stories about the behind-the-scenes day-to-day of the television industry and also when I want to freak out over something. Also did you guys watch Up All Night? Second time watching the pilot and I loved, loved, LOVED! Thank goodness Will Arnett is finally on a show that seems to have a real chance of sticking around!

YAY! TV! Oh and in case that link didn't work for you, here's the spreadsheet again:

Not At Comic Con (Again!)

So - remember last year when all of us who weren't at Comic Con commiserated with our #notatcomiccon tweets? Well, we're doing it again, you guys! (So far, we = me, but you know you want to.)

Here are some BREAKING NEWS STORIES I have so far, from DAY ONE of Not At Comic Con:

- I thought I lost a golf cart earlier.

- I did not lose a golf cart.

- I had three cups of coffee today.

- I'm really tan.

- MY FUCKING FACE IS PEELING.

- Coffee makes me poo.

- Molasses cookies are DELICIOUS.

- Most people do not enjoy molasses cookies. 

- I am jealous of my nail polish. If that is possible.

Fascinating stuff, isn't it? And get excited, because we've got THREE MORE DAYS of this! I KNOW - this is just as fun as putting on a Stormtrooper helmet and getting freaky with an Ewok.

Oh yeah. This blog.

I realized just now I've been MIA on Jaw Wired Shut since I wrote about my new jobby. SORRY YOU GUYS. THE FOUR OF YOU WHO CARE.

You should know that when I am not here I am just blowing shit up on Tumblr and Twitter and if I had access to real fireworks I would blow up so much real shit it's not even funny.

Oh and yeah you get the whole "new job so I'm busy as bonkers" thing, right?

I'm still in the process of figuring out how I am going to move/combine all my stuff or what purpose JWS is going to serve from heretoforehenceforth (like just TV stuff? Just stuff about ME? The random shit I post is kinda more up on Tumblr now... ugh it's SO HARD being a 21st Century Interwebby Girl you know? Just kidding someone punch me for saying that) and for you regular readers I do care about what you like to read here. SO TELL ME, DAMMIT! (For realz, leave a comment and tell me what you want more of/less of or if you, like me, have also hopped aboard the Tumblr train).

P.S. My goodbye letter from Le Old Job is up here.

and then!

I don't know if I've mentioned it here but I'm going to be doing weekly posts for the totally darling new website HelloGiggles. You can check out all my work at my author bio/archive.

While I travel I definitely won't be blogging on the go, but I'll probably pop in at my tumblr or Twitter from time to time.

Happy College to ME!!!!!!!!

I'm totally the WORST

Okay. I'm not TOTALLY the worst but I've been super neglectful of the blog and it's NOT because I've been reading Sweet Valley Confidential for a week (when I actually sit down to it I imagine that book will take me, like, an hour to get through - it's really poorly written but WHATEVER). I've just been super duper busy you guys. Like so busy that for the first time in I don't know when I didn't do ANYTHING this weekend - like no writing, no job-related stuff, no nothing. It was delightful. But then yesterday came along and I freaked out because I felt like I wasn't doing ANYTHING.  So now I am back to planning the 900 things I am going to be doing over the next few weeks. But most of that revolves around COACHELLA.


Which is why I have feathers in my hair.


Have I mentioned that? If you follow me on Twitter (which, frankly, is where the goods are at these days) then you are well aware. If no, then yes, I have feather hair extensions.

I'm wearing a swimsuit, okay? And try to spot the feathers - there are three of them.

You guys Coachella is like that one weekend of the year where I can just let my freak flag fly to the extreme which means I just want to be barefoot and dance in the grass and wear feathers in my hair and go totally OFF THE GRID for like 5 days. And it's less than two weeks away. HOLY HOTCAKES I AM EXCITED.

Oh yeah but the point of all this was that I'm going to be pretty shitty about blogging with Coachella coming up and me getting my busy thang on. And also because the site is going to be redesigned (VERY EXCITING!) but that's moving slowly because, well, it's me...

In the meantime, remember to follow the Twitter and even the Tumblr and I'll pop in here with anything REALLY important. Cool? Cool.

Twitter BFF Necklace anyone?

Source: Geekologie 

Look, I know I love Twitter and all but if anyone ever gets me these necklaces I'll drink myself into a dumb stupor from a cheap White Zinfindel and then go ransack the nearest 7/11.

Okay I won't do that, but, like, I'd be annoyed. And not-so-secretly think you are a tool. And then go tweet about it.

Happy Holidays from Jaw Wired Shut!

Happy Holidays everyone!

I'm about to leave for a vacation that includes a few days in New York City followed by a week in Peru. I'm back in LA the night of January 4th (cough mybirthday cough) and I'd say there's a 75% chance I don't write on this here blog once that entire time.

However, you can bet your asses I'll be on Twitter - so follow me, if you aren't already, which is unlikely, but I feel as though that should be mentioned. And if you're spending a lot of your time thinking, "God I wish Annie Stamell was blogging right now" then I would say this: (1) Dad get away from the computer (2) call your therapist or (3) I've been writing this since like, 2007, and I used to write about a lot of weird shit so just, like, read old posts or something.

But yeah - The Twitter. I'll be there. I might even be tweeting from Peru... but hopefully not - I'm really trying to get a nice break from technology this vacation. I'm even leaving my computer at home! [Insert gasp to express shock here].

So until my triumphant return, thanks so much for visiting! To all the people who've taken the time this year to check out my blog for some reason or another, I think it's just swell. Some of you came because you thought I offered legitimate advice about maxillofacial surgery. Others because you want to talk TV. Others because you thought this was Ann Coulter's blog.  Others because you can't turn away from the crazy. Others because you thought this was John Stamos' blog. Others because you're my Dad, and I make you.

No matter what the reason, I'm glad you found me! Thanks for visiting, and I hope you'll keep reading Jaw Wired Shut in the New Year (even you, Ann Coulter fans).

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!
Love,
Annie

It's my first FREE STUFF GIVEAWAY and it's all about 'Lone Star'

Hey Guys! So in honor of my favorite new fall show currently facing cancellation, I'm doing my first ever giveaway.  That's right - I'm going to give out FREE STUFF.

It's not all THAT exacting, but it's free. FREE! 

So what am I giving away? An exclusive (OMG EXCLUSIVE) poster that was being handed out on the Fox lot during premiere week. So this came directly from the motherland, folks. At least, that's what my co-worker who heard me raving about the show and my outrage over it's poor ratings told me as she offered it to me. Now as cool as this poster is, and as much as I would love to hang onto it, it's a little weird to have posters in your office for shows you didn't actually work on, so I figure this would be better enjoyed by a real fan.  So here it is, a smallish sized (think like 10 x 20) poster featuring all-around stud and star James Wolk:

HOT, right?

So how is this going to go down? On Twitter, DUH. Essentially you have from RIGHT NOW until Monday evening at 9pm EST/6pm PST (WHEN THE SHOW RETURNS AND YOU EAST COASTERS BETTER BE WATCHING) to follow me on Twitter (@stamos) and send me a reply with #SaveLoneStar in your tweet.  Every Twitter-er who @replies me with a #SaveLoneStar in their tweet will automatically be entered.  You can also just RT one of my #SaveLoneStar tweets to be entered. The winner will be selected randomly and notified by Twitter! Then I'll DM you for your mailing address and I'll send you your prize.  Make sense? Great. Now go get tweeting!

Oh - if you don't have Twitter (HAHAHA LOSER) then please just leave a comment below (include a way for me to contact you too, btw) and you can still be entered.


MOST IMPORTANTLY: Spread the news! That's pretty much the WHOLE REASON I'm doing this giveaway, so TV viewers can share a good show with all their friends. The more people who tweet #SaveLoneStar the better - and make sure you watch this fabulous show Monday night.

The Airport Adventure of a Lifetime!

So last night I left Los Angeles on that red eye headed back to Maine. For lack of travel companions and really, anything better to do, I spontaneously decided to "live-tweet" the majority of my travel experience. Here it is in its gloriously annoying chronological entirety, from airport arrival to the security checkpoint, to the Hudson News, to the plane, to my layover, and all the way to Maine - my Airport Adventure of a Lifetime!

I think Sam Axe would approve of my travel clothes, don't you? http://twitpic.com/2k4uvm

Airport Security Check vs. The Jolly Rancher. It's a race against time!

I'm about to take a massive tweet dump. #gross

Dear Air Tran, thanks for calling me 5 times to warn me about a gate change but not telling me about the 40 min flight delay. #WTFisAirTran

That was fast. Airport Security Check: 1 Stamos: 0 #thejollyrancher

I'm offended that no one else in line has acknowledged my Chuck Finley t-shirt. Apparently you all have horrible taste in television.

Remember that time that lady called me a cultural fascist for hating Private Practice? That was awesome.

Omg thank GOD I found the Nicholas Sparks section: http://twitpic.com/2k5cau #gross

Tucker Max - for your sake, I hope they don't serve beer in hell.

I'm wearing jeggings. #gross

Airports: the one place it's socially acceptable to drink alone. #beerme

I lost my license and have developed the terrible habit of flashing my passport as though it were a police badge.

I just realized I should probably head over to the direction of my gate. At some point. #thejollyrancher

Ever worry you're gonna take an Adderall when you mean to take a Xanax? #whitegirlproblems

They should really just rename Air Tran to Budget. Just Budget.

I just dominated See's Candies. It's the Airport Trip of a Lifetime!

Licorice, Peach, Buttered Popcorn and a whole lot of Sizzling Cinnamon: http://twitpic.com/2k5p28 #jellybelly

Air Tran is the Fung Wah of airlines.

I don't want this airport adventure to end! It's like I'm playing Tom Hanks in my own Tom Hanks movie.

Going to the airplane bathroom - excuse me, lavatory - is miserable.

No seriously, what IS Air Tran?

Spotted - baby who will potentially cry at 6 o'clock.

That's right Mr. Flight Attendant. You get me that non-bottled water.

Of all the drugs I'm prescribed I'd have to say Xanax has the worst chemical aftertaste. #whitegirlproblems

This will be the best flight ever, by default. There's no one sitting next to me.

Sir, you will have to pry this mobile device from my cold dead hands if you want me to power off. 

Woke up to creepy dude two seats over patting my back. Never again, Air Tran.


First thing I spot on layover in Baltimore: http://twitpic.com/2k7ndw #sillybands #Imbaaaaack

MAINE! (Thus ends tweet dump. Going off the grid. Thanks for playing)

Let's Talk About How Fucking Rad Janelle Monae is

Janelle Monae is really fucking rad. Let's talk about it.

Okay so you may have seen on Twitter that earlier this week I was freaking out when I discovered that her song "Say You'll Go" from her BOMB new album samples Debussy's "Claire de Lune." Janelle Monae is awesome. I mean that is killer. Debussy is without question my favorite composer ("Reverie" is the number one most listened to song in my iTunes library) and Janelle Monae is brilliant.

The best part about her new album, The ArchAndroid is the liner notes. Every song lists inspiration. My personal favorite would be for the very first jam, "Overture II:"

Inspired by Princess Leia's cinnamon buns hairstyle, Tim Burton's "Blue Girl With Wine" and Rachmaninoff's Piano Concert No. 2

So Janelle Monae and I should be friends. Obviously. We both share a love of Star Wars, Tim Burton and Debussy. Well, shit.

And I leave you with her kickass video for "Tightrope."

WHAT IS THE FAIL WHALE!?!

I. LOVE. THIS.

This & That

+A reminder that I am not at Comic Con. To celebrate (aka mourn) this I am live-tweeting all the inane things I am doing today. For example, right now it's fucking freezing in my office, which leads me to believe they keep our offices especially cold only to make it impossible to be comfortable and/or fall asleep. Maybe not. I don't really know.

+I rediscovered tumblr last night. As well as my old tumblr that I started posting to (after first deleting some hilariously old post from like two years ago). Not really sure if it's going to be of any interest to me/anyone, but I view that social media site as more of a platform for personal expression. Or those dumb "F Yeah [insert relative pop culture name/term here]" blogs. Right now, all I've posted are quotes I like and some photos I took. And like a song lyric or two. So yeah, it's essentially my diary ten years later.

+Seriously, it's fucking freezing in here!

My First Internet Feud!

Have I finally made it? Because I've unwillingly engaged in an internet feud - oh what fun this is... actually, it's pretty weird, and all stemming from a piece I wrote the other day about the television show Private Practice.

Who knew people would feel so passionate about Private Practice? Actually - it's more like one person has a serious vendetta, considering a commenter on my last Huffington Post piece "Please Cancel Private Practice. Seriously." is accusing me of cultural fascism, among other things (on a side note - cultural fascism? That gave me a good laugh. My roommates are considering making t-shirts). Oh and someone on Twitter told me I both "suck" and am "stupid." To "chocolotema19" I say: thanks and many happy returns!

I've compiled a few choice quotes from this commenter below, who it would appear is also a blogger for the site, and writes under the moniker Tallulah Morehead. I've also included my own response. Or just check it all out for yourself here.


This Tallulah character:

Now I have no argument with your assertion that PRIVATE PRACTICE is not a good show. I watched the pilot and never tuned in again. Frankly, after three seasons of Grey's Anatomy, I realized that I had no interest however remote in ANY further knowledge of these characters, and never tuned in again to that either.

But I fail to see whay you should call for a cancellation of a show you admit you don't watch. Does someone come to your house with a gun and FORCE you to look at it? Don't the people who LIKe the show (I assume someone is wacthing it, or it wouldn't stay on the air) have any rights? Where is it written that "If Annie Stamell hates a show it MUST BE CANCELLED!" How does it staying on the air discomfort YOU?

You don't like it, as I don't, then don't watch it, but quit yelling to have something banned or cancelled because you personally don't like it. Other people, yes, people who aren't you, have rights too, and frankly, calling for the cancellation of a popular show just because YOU PERSONALLY don't like it is cultural Fascism.

Get a life, lady.

And then this:

Let me add, since I still find this article offensive, it says in your profile that you work in television. How would you like it if jerks like yuou posted articles stating you should be thrown out of work and become unemployed because THE JERK doeesn't like your show?

Doesn't your TV have a channel-changer or an "Off" button?

Don't like it? Don't watch it.

And my response:

I'm sorry you found the article offensive as that wasn't my intention - and while I appreciate your comments, please note that much of the tone of this article was in jest. I had hoped readers would recognize the sarcasm... though admittedly sarcasm is not always an easy tone to convey. It looks as though it evaded you, and some of the other readers, here. That's a shame.

Isn't one benefits of the blog at The Huffington Post that we can share opinions? I'm not speaking for anyone besides myself, and I am entitled to my opinion of the show, and as a pop culture writer and "student of television" I'm sharing that opinion in a public forum.

However, as someone who works in TV (yes, it's true) - this post was prompted by my own observations of the television-making process. I see so many excellent shows come and go that are never given a shot to make it to the air, much less a pilot script - so sometimes it would be nice to see a lesser show come to an end, so a better one could take it's spot. I'm advocating for quality content, not job loss. But then again, Private Practice certainly has a big audience who continues to tune in, so good for them, and good for all the hard-working people who contribute to the show.

Again, all this is merely my opinion - not attempting to enforce my beliefs on anyone, and while I found your cry of cultural fascism quite entertaining, I find that statement and your notion that these are "Nazi tactics" both far-fetched and exaggerated - it's simply a public plea, an outright statement - take it or leave it... no sweat off your back either way...

Ultimately, I find it unfortunate you've devoted so much time to expressing your anger over my post. It looks like it's been exhausting. Try taking things a little less seriously and see where that gets you. Maybe then a silly post about a girl-crush on Kate Walsh and disdain for a TV show won't cause you so much emotional distress. Best of luck.

Well, what do you think? She makes some valid points - I mean no one is forcing me to watch the show, and I could simply change the channel, but doesn't this all seem a bit excessive? And is it really difficult to get the joke here? The absurdity of it all? And shit, when did I get so zen about everything?

Please weigh in below - would love to know what my Jaw Wired Shut readers think. And if you feel like defending my honor at HuffPo - well, go right ahead!

A Much-Needed Vacation

Jaw Wired Shut is going on a vacation for a few days. Where? To the desert my friends.

Yes, it's that time of year again when I join the masses in the sweltering heat for three days of hippie dancing and great tunes at the Coachella Valley Music Festival. I cannot wait. I'm going to be trendspotting at Coachella and writing about it for www.trendcentral.com (my former gig!) and potentially covering the fest for HuffPo as well. And you better believe I'll be posting some highlights here.

In the meanwhile, don't expect to see me pop up on the internet until Monday, except for the occasional Twitter update. And even though after the weekend I will be back in town recovering from what is sure to be an epic trip, my dad and step-mom are in town and I'm moving right into family vacation time. I won't actually be back in full swing until next Wednesday.

But, don't be a stranger! Keep reading - and feel free to check in and say hello.

Why a White Tattoo?

If you follow me on Twitter you've probably noticed I'm covering a limited scope of subjects these past few days: all the television shows I'm watching and my new tattoo.

I never, ever thought I wanted a tattoo. I went through a stage in high school when I was into piercings (lots of earring holes and a nose ring), but was okay with that, because I knew it would be temporary - tattoos never interested me because of their permanence, but also because I believe that to get a tattoo - to permanently brand your body - you must have a compelling reason to do so. I never felt I had one.

About a year ago I was introduced to a friend who had a white tattoo on the inside of her wrist - a subtle mark; initials of someone close to her who'd passed away. Immediately, I loved it. The white tattoo is so different from a normal one. It's much more subtle - it makes the art more personal, in my opinion. It's a tattoo just for you. I liked that idea.

So it's been a while I've been thinking about getting this tattoo; my mother's initials - PWCS - on the inside of my left wrist, just above where I wear my watch.

Last weekend my roommate made plans to consult with a tattoo artist and I thought - why not? So DiTonto kindly brought me with her - on an experience during which I felt very much the little sister - and the tattoo artist was a friendly guy, excited to do the work. It was all so easy!

Next thing I know it's Saturday, and an hour before our appointment I had a sort of epiphany: what if I did the tattoo in my mom's actual handwriting? My mother had very bizarre handwriting. Some letters would be lowercase, others all capital - with no rhyme or reason. Letters had odd shapes and placement. It's one of the most distinct fonts I've seen. (And that's what I made it, a font - but in the form of a white tattoo... )

I found an old address book that belonged to my mother, and all the letters I needed were in an address for someone from Ipswich, Massachusetts. And just like that I had it - the perfect tattoo, pwcs (all lowercase) in my mother's own handwriting.

The entire tattoo experience was fun in a sort of rare exhilarating way. There's a weird adrenaline rush that comes with the whole moment - a sort of light-headed buzz that heightens everything. I had four friends with me, including DiTonto, who's tattoo was much bigger and more complicated than mine, and also, really, the main event! I was like the pre-show, the warm-up act. In fact, mine maybe took all of 15 minutes to do. And just like that, I was handed a beer and it was over. It was done!

*DiTonto, by the way, is a fucking champ for handling what was clearly a painful experience. I guess the ribs qualify as the "least fun" as far as pain level goes, and she took it like a rockstar. The wrist wasn't great, but as another friend pointed out, going to the dentist is worse.

I love my tattoo. And I'm going to post a picture. Soon. However right now it's still healing so it's kinda ugly. Like scabby and a little red and partially healed but raised and in some spots sort of weird-looking. So I'll post that pic when I want to show off the final masterpiece. Obv.

Until then I am just going to do my very best to ignore the fact that I am at that stage of the healing process where I want to scratch the shit out of this thing...

Happy Fools Day?

Remember my attempt at a lame April Fools joke last year? Yeah don't expect a repeat today. I've had way too much coffee and am way too excited for a half day today and full day off tomorrow to have any creative/cohesive thoughts...

Anyway, there are enough other internet addicts joking around for the rest of us... my favorite so far is that Joel McHale has taken over Ryan Seacrest's Twitter and website. McHale LOVES ripping on Seacrest, so I think that's especially funny.

Be still my nerd-heart...

So as we know, I love all things French and all thing social media... how adorable is this French Twitter logo?




Oh and Quoi de neuf is French for "what's up!"

And the Oscar goes to... AMERICA

Last night was THE BIGGEST NIGHT IN HOLLYWOOD. Or so they say. That’s right – the Oscars! I was live tweeting the shit out of the night, which means that I lost a soul-sucking four hours of my life to boredom and half-assed attempts to make lame jokes, so for all my pithy remarks you’ll have to turn to my Twitter timeline.

The Oscars this year were… boring. But also, I felt they were very AMERICAN. More so than usual. Here are my loosely formed reasons supporting this claim:

• Best Picture went to The Hurt Locker – a movie with some seriously American themes (okay I haven’t seen it, yes you can shun me, but what little I know about this brilliant film, is that it was awesome and it was about an American bomb-diffusing squad... or something. Wow, I suck.)
• Best Director went to Kathryn Bigelow – this was very American because she was the first chick to win the award. Badass.
• Of the four acting categories, three of them went to Americans and it’s worth pointing out the Sandra Bullock is practically the poster child for All-American – I mean she dropped “y’all” in the first sentence of her acceptance speech. Jeff Bridges is THE DUDE and totally fucking rad and that just screams AMERICAN to me. Like I want to drink a beer and smoke a joint and play the guitar with this guy. And Mo’Nique again was making history with her win – it felt super AMERICAN.

My favorite dress of the night went to Sandra Bullock… okay I might as well just say it: I LOVE SANDRA BULLOCK. She and Michelle Pfeiffer are probably two of my favorite actresses, like, EVER. And it just really kicks ass that Sandy (I can call her Sandy right? I mean, we’d totally be BFFs if we knew each other in real life and not just in my dreams) won last night.

Anyway, I’m already sick of all the post-show recapping and breakdown so now that I’ve said my piece, I’ll leave it at that. Also, Sandy if you are in the market for a new BFF, call me. (And Bradley Cooper you are really hot and I have no idea why you were at the awards, but I am glad you were because it reminded me of your supreme hotness. So, yeah, call me.)

Conan O'Brien is on Twitter!

And his bio is brilliant, I tell you:

I had a show. Then I had a different show. Now I have a Twitter account.