I DID IT YOU GUYS!

So I did my first ever sort of stand-up type thing EVER tonight (it wasn't stand up because I was reading something I already wrote) and it went really well.


So well in fact, that after the show, when I was walking out the door (because, like the sometimes socially-awkward gal I am, I like to bolt immediately after drawing attention to myself) some guy at the bar stopped me as I was walking out and said:


"You were the best."


"What?" I asked, because I was certain I had not heard correctly. There were like 8 other people doing stuff and mine was the shortest and the most different because it wasn't really on theme with the rest of the night and I was sweating a lot.


"Yours was the best."


"Thank you so much!" I said sweetly and then I ran right out of the bar.


My morning started out bad because I slept through my alarm and was a half hour late to work but then the day got better because I finished my pilot (that's 35 pages I WROTE you guys, I DID THAT!) and then right after I hit print and looked at my words I jetted off to this little comedy club and did my thing and some guy at the bar told me I was the best. 


I feel... relieved (PEOPLE ACTUALLY LAUGHED! BECAUSE OF MY JOKES! ME!), but I also have a headache (probably from my glasses but I've decided I am going to wear glasses whenever I do these sorts of things because it weirdly helps me get into "character" which is a super silly thing for me to say if the character is just myself but I swear that it helped, you guys, I swear) and I also kind of feel like I want to cry because there is nothing more I want right now then to call my mom and tell her about my amazing day that started so terribly and ended so well and I can't call her and well, that just SUCKS SO HARD (I miss you Mom and I love you forever and I know you're watching over me I do, but sometimes, God, I just want to be able to pick up the phone and call you) but also I just feel like... I don't know what I feel like... like, maybe like I can do this. Like maybe if I can stay on this momentum and keep doing stuff and just keep on trying things I'll figure it out. I don't even know what "it" is. Maybe it's me or my life or my career goals or comedy or writing or just everything but I feel like I'm getting closer.


But whatever, the bigger deal here is that I did a comedy show and it went really well. And it's a good thing too because I've got another one on Saturday! OH SHIT! After the show I came home to an empty house which is rare when you have three other roommates and I thought that I should write this down, how I am feeling and I thought I would do it on Tumblr because that really is where I seem to be doing most of my blogging these days but then I thought, no, this is Jaw Wired Shut material. This is me. And I feel like there are only 2 people still reading this blog (are you out there? SHOW YOURSELVES!) but if there are it's the same people who've been reading me since I started this thing when I moved to LA in 2007 and look how far I've come!


And did you hear? I was the best, you guys! THE BEST!

Reasons my boss is better than yours...

An actual excerpt from an IM with my boss, after my other boss was showing me pictures of his kids:

Me [6:14 PM]:
Ahhhh he was showing me more pictures of his boys
I WANT BABIES
Boss [6:14 PM]:
gross
Me [6:14 PM]:
THEY ARE SO CUTE
I want a baaaaaaaaaaaby
I want 4 babies
I already have all their names picked out
Boss [6:15 PM]:
oh my
Me [6:15 PM]:
hahaha
I cant WAIT to be a housewife
Boss [6:16 PM]:
oh Annie. I don't want to know this.
Me [6:16 PM]:
hahahaha
I mean after I've been wildly successful
I am going to take a few years
to raise my children
then go back to working
when I can
it's going to be great
Boss [6:16 PM]:
also I still need to find penis straws

I'll leave it at that...

Thieves in the Night

Sometime between the hours of 4:30pm Monday and 8:20pm Tuesday the following things were stolen from my car (which I might add, was safe and sound in the parking garage underneath my apartment building):

my GPS
my iPod
my massive CD case
my iPod charger

So it sounds like some asshole is off on an epic road trip somewhere listening to my sick tunes.

Speaking of sick tunes? I hope you enjoy musical soundtracks, bad rap, and mix CDs from the late 90s to early 2000s because that's what you're going to find in the CD case. DICK.

The only upside here is that I just bought a new iPod. I am sad about the GPS - I had named him Giles. He served me well.

In tales of love and war and monitoring DVR backlogs...

from Stamos
to DiTonto
date Tue, Mar 9, 2010 at 5:04 PM
subject magic and bird


Assuming you are home before me, can you put a KEEP on the Magic & Bird HBO special for me (I recorded a re-air earlier today)?

And don't get excited - it's not a fairy tale or an acid trip documentary or something you'd be interested in... it's about BASKETBALL.

And, as expected...

from DiTonto
to Stamos
date Tue, Mar 9, 2010 at 5:07 PM
subject Re: magic and bird

hahahahahaha omg I TOTALLY thought it sounded awesome until you pointed out it was Magic Johnson and Larry Bird.

gross.

yeah I'll keep that shit.

"frequently confused with ringworm, but antifungal creams won't help, because it is not a fungus" OR "that time I got f-ed over by the rain"

So. It's raining a lot in LA right now. A lot a lot. So much rain that highways are being closed, houses are being evacuated and oh, also? I have a rash. Because of the rain.

This morning I had a pre-scheduled doctor's appointment for a regular monthly check-up on my various medications (that's right folks, I've go the drug regimen of a divorcee circa 1997). I love my doctor. Been seeing her since when I first moved out to LA. We're tight.

Right after she tells me all my vitals are looking great as usual yada yada yada I say to her:

"Yo I have some sort of crazy rash all over my upper body." Which is true. A few days ago I noticed a weird mark on my back (two of my friends said it almost looked like a spider bite, however the general consensus was ringworm. Spoiler alert: it's not ringworm).

Dr. G takes one look at me, says "I need to see your back" turns me around, takes a quick look and goes:

"Yep, you have Pityriasis Rosacea,"

"Say what?"

"Pityriasis Rosacea. That mark on your back there is the herald mark. It's a rash you get once in your lifetime, usually lasts 4-6 weeks, and that mark precedes it."

"So you're saying it's going to get worse."

"Yes. It will be everywhere except your face, your hands, and the soles of your feet. And it will itch a lot. But don't scratch it."

"Okay. Why did I get it?"

"It's usually caused by periods of extreme stress or massive changes in the weather. Are you under high stress?"

"No."

"Then it's weather."

"Okay so my room is sort of not insulated..." (This is true. I live in the studio room, which lacks insulation, and as of yesterday had a leak).

"Yep that's not helping. It's the rain. As soon as it's sunny again you'll start feeling better. The UV will help."

"So can I go tanning?"

"No."

"Oh, why? Will that make it worse?"

"No. You'll get cancer."

"Oh."

"I'll prescribe you some medicine to help the itchiness. But it's going to last for about a month. It's like the Chicken Pox but not contagious."

Awesome. Just awesome.

On a side note, I did some research. Apparently UV light can help. Don't tell Dr. G but I'm going tanning. I mean, this shit is freaky. And my herald mark is in the exact spot equivalent of a tramp stamp. I could probably get some good cash busking on the streets of the Jersey Shore.

Now I'm going to douse myself in calamine lotion and alternate between crying and laughing at the sweet sweet irony of it all.

I feel violated

This is upsetting.

I'm Not Like Other Girls

Hi, did you miss me?

This is a conversation I had this morning with a co-worker from a different department, while we were both riding the elevator up to our floor:

Me: "You're late."
Him: "So are you."
Me: "Yeah but [name redacted] isn't here this week, and she's the only one who cares."
Him: "Oh yeah, is she on her honeymoon still?"
Me: "I guess so."
Him: "Where did they go?"
Me: "Um. I don't know. Maybe Mexico? I think..."
Him: "You think? Don't you girls talk about this kind of stuff?"
Me: "I'm not like other girls." Followed by a smirk.
Him: Laughter.

Well... it's true!

what not to do when on a conference call

Earlier today I was on a conference call and because I like to multi-task I was also eating some Hot Tamales and talking online with DiTonto who mentioned she was going to walk to Subway for lunch and because we work near each other and because I didn't feel like waiting in line I demanded she get me some Subway too so then I started laughing a little bit but tried to stifle my laugh but this was difficult whilst eating Hot Tamales and then one of my co-workers asked,

"Who is breathing really loudly?"

So I put the phone on mute.

But DiTonto didn't end up going to Subway afterall so I got a Grilled Chicken Club from a restaurant downstairs and while I delighted at the savory saltiness of some bacon I contemplated a resolution to Swine Flu: what if we just eat all the swine? GET IT!!!!!???

No really. Has anyone explored this option?

What is wrong with me?

Now, I am sure you’re presently thinking of a multitude of answers that could answer the above question but I pose such a quandary in reference to a specific string of disturbing incidents, all in which I have suffered through unintended self-inflicted pain. Yes, I am a klutz, but when I seem to have walked into large, sharp objects three times in less than a week, I can only wonder if there is something else going on...

Need more explanation? Look no further...

Last Wednesday I was walking out of the Equinox Pilates Studio after my 6:30 am class and walked right into the sharp edge of a counter. I seem to bruise like a peach because by the next day I had a nasty looking welt on my left bicep. Over the course of the weekend the bruise only seemed to increase in size and in nasty purple-ish color, although today it’s finally diminishing. In any case, it was painful and I felt odd walking around looking like an abused girlfriend--especially when every person who asked me what happened received a total letdown upon learning it was through my own inability to walk

Yesterday while cleaning up the disaster zone our apartment morphed into post Saturday-night activities I walked into a bike. Yes, there was a bike in our living room. A large beach cruiser. And I walked right into. A pedal to be precise, and I now have a seriously large bump and bruise near my right ankle. This also required me to sit on the sofa for some time and use a bag of frozen broccoli to ice my wound. Not fun.

Today might be my worst klutz moment yet. While putting away some Flip cameras into the cupboards behind my desk I stood up quickly, only to shove my back directly into the sharp metal-encased corner of the open cupboard door directly above my head. Not only did this knock the wind out of me for a brief second, but I then had a 5-inch scrape across my back, a little bit of bleeding, and a shitton of pain. Also, my body’s instant response to this was—no surprise here—to start sweating PROFUSELY. And I emitted one of those awkward sounds that is somewhere between crying and laughing. Now I have an ice pack attached to my back thanks to an ace bandage wrapped around my midriff (so I look cool too).

So again let me pose the question: What is wrong with me? Isn’t there some old wive’s tale about when a girl gets really klutzy it means something? Something related to cycles and the moon and witchcraft or something? I mean, not that I actually believe there’s something supernatural/hormonal happening here but beyond just needing to have a bit better awareness of my surroundings, WHAT THE FUCK!?!

I was hoping the back injury would get me out of work for the afternoon but all it got me was a brief pity party from my boss who then told me to stop whining.

conversations with my "cubemate"

This is what happens when you have IM conversations with the person who sits next to you and has to see your every move and gives you plants that you name Horace and asks what's wrong when you are strangely talking to yourself.

Please note that before recieving this IM I was going through my Twitter on my iPhone but I had my head in my hand.

Cubemate [4:08 PM]:
are u sleeping?
Me[4:08 PM]:
no
i wish
i am so tired
looking at my phone
Cubemate[4:08 PM]:
well, u look REAL comfortable
Me[4:08 PM]:
hahaha
Cubemate[4:09 PM]:
u should talk to horace
he'll keep u awake
Me [4:09 PM]:
he's delightful
i was just thinking i dont have anyone to procrastinate with
Cubemate [4:09 PM]:
tell horace
that's what he's there for
very good at listening

My current Gmail status

"just discovered her dad is out of the country NOT because he TOLD her like a normal father but because when she called his cell phone and it had a funny ring and then he answered in SPANISH and then she said ARE YOU IN SPAIN? GEE THANKS for the HEADS UP POPS."

SERIOUSLY DAD.

A few minutes ago I decided to call him because it had been quite some time and then the ring sounds sort of funny, you know that European monotone beep thingy, and then he answers and I hear Spanish in the background and I just scream out (keep in mind this is happening while I am sitting at my cubicle and I don't think I am supposed to be making personal calls at work) and sure enough, Pops is abroad.

The Circle of Life - or in this case, Planet Earth

Sunday began with Planet Earth and ended with Planet Earth. I am of course referring to my favorite BBC/Discovery television program that I watch compulsively when I have nothing better to do, but let me back track for a moment.

It was another magical LA weekend. More magical than most, thanks again to perfect weather conditions--I mean, I even went swimming in the ocean on Saturday. Yes, on January 17 I went swimming. It was lovely. There are a few noteworthy moments to recap but I need to really focus this piece on what I might consider the most epic of Sunday Fundays I've ever known.

Sunday morning we ladies of 225 Montana woke up a wee bit hungover, and gravitated to our living room to watch my favorite episode of Planet Earth, "Fresh Water". (GIANT SALAMANDERS!) While watching all the fishies and interesting water creatures it hit me--I want to go to the AQUARIUM! But first, does LA even have an aquarium? WELL FOLKS, it does. The Aquarium of the Pacific is located just south of LA, in Long Beach. All we needed were some willing companions to join our fish tale.

In the end, it was DiTonto, Adam, and myself headed south listening to the road trip-ready tunes of Manu Chao, arriving in the very Disney-like Long Beach harbor sometime around 2 pm. We just missed a Whale Watching tour, which was a bummer because who doesn't love whales or the prospect of WATCHING them IN REAL LIFE. And it was in the 80s outside, so we thought a boat ride would be a lovely way to spend the afternoon before we logged some hours with some fishies. But we figured it just wasn't meant to be and seeing as the aquarium was the main attraction, let's get on with it.

Fun fact: They serve beer in aquariums. (I bet you can guess how this day ended up).

The aquarium was AWESOME. First of all, as I have mentioned before, I love aquariums--truly, I do. If a guy were ever to propose to me, I think an aquarium would be a lovely place to do so. (So just tell my future-fiance to read this before proposing marriage). This aquarium had some lovely features, like the tanks where you could touch sharks and skates and sting rays, but to do so there was a strict TWO-FINGER rule, which conveniently provided us a lot of inappropriate opportunities for many "that's what she said" jokes. Obviously, we're not very child-friendly. I think a few parents were shooting us dirty looks, what with the beer and the swearing and the juvenile behavior.



Another highlight of the aquarium (AND I BET YOU THOUGHT IT COULDN'T GET ANY BETTER!) was the 3D movie MONSTERS OF THE ABYSS where upon we journeyed to the deep unknown trenches of the ocean to observe some very unusual fishies (HEY DID YOU SEE THAT GIANT SQUID!). I was a little disappointed we only bought one 3D movie pass and not the combo ticket but WHAT CAN YOU DO.

We are total suckers because we bought two copies of a hilarious photo of us entering the aquarium, one in which they (they = aquarium people) digitally inserted FISHIES! As in we are HOLDING THEM! I am jealous of DiTonto though because she's holding a Nemo-lookalike and I am just holding onto some crappy starfish (side note: when I sea kayaked the coast of Maine one summer I put a giant starfish onto my face because I wanted to prove to everyone I was both hilarious AND a daredevil, so a fake starfish is SMALL POTATOES for me). Adam was pleased because he was holding a turtle and we had all discussed earlier in the day that we think turtles would make lovely pets and I would like to get two and name them Manu and Chao or maybe just one and call him Consuelo.

ANYWAY we had BIG PLANS to end the evening at THE OLIVE GARDEN (classy!) but as we were aimlessly wandering around the harbor an odd looking young lad in a giant sombrero approached us and asked if we'd like to join him and his friends on a sunset cruise?

WOULD WE? WE SURE WOULD!

About five minutes later this young lad, Sailor Taylor, had fallen in love with DiTonto and was calling her his future ex-wife. All aboard Captain John's boat, and fortunately they'd recruited some other normal women so in all there was the three of us, the two other ladies, Captain John, Sailor Taylor, Darryl, some dude wearing an NRA hat (he loved freedom but was SCARY) and George, a Native American dude who was on something, but had a biting sense of humor.

We left the harbor as the sun had already gone down so it turned into more of a nighttime cruise. By nighttime cruise I mean drunken boat party that was probably dangerous. BUT AMAZING. Disco ball, tiki torches, Christmas lights, and great jams.

And what do you know, but much like a minister or any Justice of the Peace, both Sailor Taylor and Captain John, being legal boat captains, can marry people. Well as we were dancing to Manu Chao (because I obv took over as DJ) we decided how perfect! DiTonto and Sailor Taylor (who may or may not actually be her soulmate) should get married. And then Captain John, with two bottles of booze tucked into his swim trunks, and a sword in his hand (I was confused if it was a wedding or if someone was being knighted) and the wedding party consisting of Adam and I as maids of honor and the two other chicks as bridesmaids, and to the sweet tunes of the Talking Heads, watched as Ashleigh and Taylor were married.

Adam and I were concerned. Mostly for our safety, especially because at one point no one was steering the boat, and we wondered and if we were going to make it back to the harbor, but also because was this a real wedding? Well she didn't sign anything so the answer is NO... we think....

Anyway, then Taylor married Captain John and one of the other chicks and then it was happiness and jubilee, a quick sail-by of the Queen Mary, some photos on the bow, some waves, the NRA dude passed out, we switched to reggae, and then we were back in the marina.

THEN, I went for a nice kayak around the marina with Captain John and the other chicks and returned about a half hour later to learn that not only had Adam and DiTonto been given a tour of one of Darryl's big pimpin' boats, but that Taylor had invited her to dinner with his parents, aunt and uncle and grandparents.

No, none of this is a lie or exaggeration, I PROMISE.

Why the family gathering? Well, Taylor had turned 25 the night before and it was pre-planned, but now the lucky guy got to introduce his family to his new wife.

So Adam and I went for dinner (dinner = drinks) at a different restaurant and then met up with the newlyweds for... THE RECEPTION! At a karaoke bar. And I, former DJ, now wedding singer, serenaded them with some classics like "La Isla Bonita" by Madonna, as well as Billy Joel's "Only the Good Die Young."

And then, after we realized this karaoke bar was also some sort of mafia hang out and we were way in over our heads, we slipped away (but not before Taylor's mom, DiTonto's mother-in-law, invited both she and I for Christmas!) and Adam safely drove us back to Santa Monica, with a quick stop at one of our favorite bars in Venice, then back home, where we decided to end our day with...

Planet Earth. "Shallow Seas"--another good episode.

Starting off on the right foot?

This morning I got down to the parking garage and realized I didn't have my car keys. So I went back up to my apartment, when I realized I also didn't have my apartment keys. You guessed it--I keep all my keys on one key chain, and they were all inside my lovely abode.

Because DiTonto didn't answer her phone and Annie's had been "misplaced" Saturday night, my only option was breaking in. Upon which, I learned the following:

1. It is very easy to break into our apartment.
2. In daylight, our apartment is much more disgusting than I realized.

Crazy Lady vs. Toothless Man

I've got a pretty funny story about consecutive run-ins with a crazy lady harping on DiTonto for pulling into a handicapped parking space, and then a toothless homeless man running around with a huge Obama poster, but I am going to let her tell that story. (HINT HINT Ashleigh).

It was a nice Sunday afternoon event, you could say.