On Cliff Bars and Lessons in Using the Mute Button

One of the largest components of being an assistant in "the Biz" as they say (they being my grandparents and people who are very out of touch in the Midwest), is listening to phone calls.

What's that? You declare! You're still an assistant? I know, YOU GUYS, I know. I want to shake my head in pity too. But whatever, it's actually kind of the norm here and I do a LOT more than normal administrative stuff and I do all this social media stuff... and anyway before I go down the rabbit hole into that whammy of an existential crisis let's go back to the whole "listening-on-phone-calls" thing.

This morning I see that my boss is on a call (bosses: assistants don't like it when you place calls without them. See, we have very few areas of our professional lives we can control at this juncture, and dialing the goddamn phone is one of them) and I know it's about one of our shows and being the curious little lassie that I am (and knowing full well it's both accepted and expected that I listen to all calls, actually I probably should have been listening sooner...) I decide I will hop on the call to hear what's up.

Meanwhile: I'm eating breakfast. A Cliff bar, to be precise. (Blueberry Crisp - for those of you into gory details and energy bar porn and shit. Weirdos).

So I throw on my headset, pop in a chunk of my sad breakfast into my mouth and begin masticating the shit out of that Cliff bar. I mean - when you're eating a Cliff bar you need to chew the shit out of those things. Especially because the entire time you're convincing yourself that it's a good and normal breakfast and that yes you're totally going to feel full after eating!!!!! and to make you feel EVEN MORE FULL!!!!!! you just need to really chew the shit out of each and every bite you take!!!! YOU CAN DO IT! EMBRACE THE CLIFF BAR!!!!!

(So maybe I have some unresolved issues about Cliff bars... )

So Bossman and Networkman are talking. I'm chewing.

Now wait a minute and let's pause right there (I know what you're thinking and no there's not a real point and I might not ever get there. Deal with it). I want to talk about me and chewing for a moment. See, the name of this here blog is, for those of you who can't read (which by the way means someone is reading this aloud to you, so for that I am sorry, but also hope they know when certain words are to be screamed for extra emphasis), is Jaw Wired Shut - and if you'll recall, yes I've had my jaw wired shut. So when I chew you can actually kinda hear some clinking. Probably something to do with the seven plates of titanium in my face. ANYWAY.

So Bossman and Networkman are talking. I'm chewing. And I've joined the call. 

I'm not on mute.

I'm NOT ON MUTE.

So next thing I know there is a very awkward pause in the conversation and a brief moment of silence in which it's quite clear that Bossman and Network man can hear someone chewing.

That's me: Hey guys. Just chewing the shit out of my Cliff bar directly into the microphone of my non-muted headset microphone. You're welcome!!!!

The good thing was, as soon as they awkwardly paused, I realized my mistake and flipped the mute button on like my life depended on it. But yeah. I just gnawed down with my metal mouth into the ears of two dudes discussing SRS BSNS. That's serious business, you guys. (Not what I actually did with the chewing and the non-muting. This is just a dumb story. SRS BSNS is an acronym for "serious business." Try to keep up, okay?)

Now, there's a way for my boss to see when someone's joined the call, so I'm thinking that as soon as he hangs up he's going to walk over to me and make fun of me, which is one of his favorite pastimes, but THEN -- THEN YOU GUYS -- the Networkman starts chewing. And Bossman CALLS HIM OUT ON IT.  HA! HA! HAHAHAHAHA! We all chew on the phone! Admit it! How often are you eating while you're talking!? I do it, I know YOU DO IT TOO! In fact, I chew in my bosses ear all the time. He might not know it because usually it's muted but it happens.

So yeah that was a CLOSE CALL and then validating and fun and momentarily hilarious (whatever IT WAS FUNNY you had to be there, okay?) and I'm just glad that my cover was maintained but also seriously, Stamos, no mute button? What is this, amateur hour? I've been an assistant for like FOUR THOUSAND YEARS and that's one hell of a rookie mistake! ALWAYS USE THE MUTE BUTTON.

Yeah so I guess that's the moral of this story you guys: REMEMBER THE MUTE BUTTON. And also - Cliff bars aren't worth it. But Blueberry Crisp is okay.

I immediately regret that decision

Lentils: 1
Stamos: 0

Introducing the Stamos Sammy

I order the same thing at Subway, without fail, every single time I eat there (which by the way, is a frighteningly high number these days). I know you are simply dying to know what it is I eat, so let me share the details of the sandwich I find to be so incredibly delicious that many might argue is outright disgusting.

6 inch
Whole Wheat
Turkey
Provolone (optional)
Pickles
Green peppers
Salt
Pepper

Now, if you want to try this out, what I will from henceforth refer to as the Stamos Sammy (Sammy = Sandwich, duh), then I highly recommend you suggest to your sandwich maker that he or she throws on extra pickles and extra peppers and when he or she feebly grabs for like, three stringy peppers and/or pickles that you repeat the request until your sammy is simply overflowing with pickles and peppers. And you know, you might as well make it a Meal Deal

In case you were wondering, yes, I just ate lunch, and yes, that is what I ate. So no, I am not sponsored by Subway, however I certainly wouldn't shy away from any endorsement opportunities...

Kitchen Stoners

I'm digging this NY Times piece about haute cuisine and marijuana culture. I've had the good fortune of eating at Animal a few times and it always strikes me as the kind of restaurant where people just got high and thought, "What would happen if we made a bacon chocolate bar?" And then they made it. And it was awesome. If pot-smoking chefs leads to more experimental food, then I'm all about it.

Trying to make my "interests" interesting... (or that time I wrote a lot about myself)

I was just looking at my Facebook profile, and realized I updated my "interests" somewhat recently. Some of them are a little odd. Some are heavily connected to the TV pilot I'm working on, actually a surprising amount (and the last batch of interests also had a large influence on the script, now that I think of it). Some are really obvious and require no further explanation, but I figure why not share a little bit more about these interests... not that you care, because you probably don't, but I'm indulging my narcissistic side a little more than usual today. Pretend you find it endearing or something. Now, in no particular order...

sweet'n'sour sauce
The greatest thing McDonald's ever created. Especially good with Chicken McNuggets or French Fries. These are the only things I will ever order at McDonald's. And I always ask for extra sweet'n'sour sauce because you never know when you might be craving it, and surprisingly, it also tastes good with Morningstar Farms fake chicken nuggets.

my animal spirit god
I'm convinced I have one and maybe I've even seen it before. Maybe not. They're tricky that way.

tv on dvd
This doesn't need explanation beyond my opinion that this might be the greatest thing since sliced bread. Although I am not sure sliced bread is all that great. Sure, it's convenient... but what's the origin of this saying? Anyone? But yeah, TV shows on DVD are just really fantastic.

astronaut ice cream
This shit is crazy. Crazy delicious. (Also crazy). I love it so much it's become a major plot point in the TV pilot I am writing.

the silver lining
There's one of these in everything and I like finding it. Cheesy? Probably. But I mean it. Finding the silver lining in things has been pretty helpful in getting me through the bad stuff in life.

fig newtons
I fucking love fig newtons. Always have.

gender neutral first names
My mom's name was Palmer, it's also my middle name, and I have to say that in the years after she passed away I really considered going by Palmer. But I'm much more of an Annie. Actually I am much more of a Stamos. In general, I love gender neutral first names because they are often old-fashioned and different - and I don't know... fun. Although names like Pat suck. Perhaps I should revise this to unique gender neutral first names...

aquariums
Sometimes an aquarium can make me so happy my heart hearts. Truly. The Boston Aquarium is my favorite aquarium. There's a nostalgic component here, sure, but also... I love fishies. I think that if I had either been better at science, or more willing to work harder at it, then I would have ended up a marine biologist. And yes, I love aquariums so much that they are another major plot point in my TV pilot work-in-progress.

Maine
duh.

freedom
I love freedom. Both in the ironic and non-ironic sense. If you don't understand what I mean, you clearly love freedom as well, but only in the non-ironic sense, which is unfortunate for you.

insensitivity
This is something I excel in, at least by Hollywood standards. Thus, it is of great interest to me.

theme songs
I love theme songs - from movie themes to TV themes, to personal theme songs. Everyone should have a theme song. Mine changes on the regular.

manu chao
Probably my favorite band. In the history of music. Bold claim? Yes. But I feel strongly about this.

local ads
who doesn't love a budget local ad? Oh man, there used to be some GREAT ones growing up in Maine, many with excellent jingles about local geography.

dudes
This interest is twofold: (1) I, like most heterosexual women, like guys - so that's sort of a no-brainer and (2) I love guys who are dudes in the total dudetastic sense of being a dude - and I love hanging with dudes. Dudes are awesome. Chicks who are dudelike are also awesome.

the toaster oven
A great invention. You can accomplish so much with a toaster oven. My roommate Becca is a culinary genius with ours.

good hair days
Never underestimate the value of a good hair day. My hair, in my opinion, is one of my best features, however I am so incredibly lazy when it comes to my hair that when I've got a good hair day happening it does a whole lot for my ego. Also, my hair is so terrifying when I wake up in the morning (and this has also inspired a moment in that TV pilot), that when I actually get it calmed down, it feels like a real accomplishment. It's the little things.

Turkey vs. David Duchovny vs. David Boreanaz vs. Tim Riggins vs. Seeley Booth

Thanksgiving is awesome. Really. Mostly because of the food. But also, it’s just such a great holiday. Okay, so the food has a LOT to do with that, but also, it’s just fantastic to get some downtime. I didn’t head back east this year, and had my third Turkey Day on the west coast, however this time around I did it right; cooking up a big feast with friends and family. So big in fact, that I was enjoying leftovers up until last night.

Beyond that, having a lot of time to lay low and do nothing was much needed. I spent lots of time playing with our dog, catching up on TV, getting lots of sleep, running down by the beach, running errands, and yes, eating lots of food.

I’d like to focus on one excellent part of our Thanksgiving dinner this year. And I’m not talking about the epic game of "Apples to Apples" that followed the meal. Before dessert, we all took our paper dessert plates (we were far too lazy to deal with dishes at this point) and on the back of them, drew pictures and wrote down what we are thankful for. Sure we’re all in our 20s and 30s, but there’s nothing like expressing what you're thankful for with a little arts and crafts.

So what am I thankful for? Besides my family and friends, my plate also included the following:


J. Crew
David Boreanaz
Xanax
Manu Chao

And I think there were others but I don't remember them. These are the really important ones. Duh.

(My plate also included a poorly drawn turkey in the shape of my hand. I would say that I wish I had taken a photo, but it was a pretty embarrassing hand-turkey).

It’s worth noting that my brother was appalled David Boreanaz got a slot on that list, because not too long ago the only David I would have talked about would've been David Duchovny. Interestingly, this sparked a discussion about the staying power of Duchovny, who’s still killing it on Californication. But my roommate Adubs made the valid point that Boreanaz has swiftly advanced his TV career from Buffy to Angel and now Bones.

This also reminds me of a recent chat I had with my roommates (okay when I say chat I mean frivolous discussion one Saturday after watching lots of TV while hungover), but here’s something to think about…

Tim Riggins vs. Seeley Booth

The general consensus was that we’d all want to have sex with Tim Riggins but Seeley Booth is the marrying kind. However, this is an excellent topic for debate. And to all the FNL and Bones fans out there, I implore you to ponder these two fine male specimen and get back to me with your opinion.

Huh, this post started out with Thanksgiving and ended up with me contemplating who I’d rather be with between two fictional TV characters.

I need to get out more.

(Okay so I really just wanted an excuse to search for pictures of man candy. What do you expect? It's the Monday after a holiday!)

Two Croissants is One Croissant Too Many

I'm still in that collegiate mode of thinking when it regards to parental visits: OH MY GOD MY PARENTS ARE IN TOWN I GET FREE FOOD I MUST EAT ALL OF IT AND I MUST EAT AT NICE RESTAURANTS I MIGHT NOT NORMALLY GO TO AND EAT FOOD I WOULDN'T NORMALLY GET, LIKE STEAK, WHICH I ONLY EAT WHEN SOMEONE ELSE IS PAYING.

Which means that I've probably packed on some pounds this weekend while being wined and dined and living a life quite unlike my usual. For my dad's 60th birthday my stepmom surprised him with a family trip to La Jolla, CA, where we stayed at a lovely resort over the weekend and pretty much just went to the spa and walked on the beach, and stared at the golf course, and got private tours of historical buildings, and ate amazing food, and like I said before: COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF A NORMAL WEEKEND (in which I try to spend as little money as possible and come up with creative ways of sneaking booze into bars). Oh, and I even made off with a bathrobe from the hotel spa. HOLLERRRRR.

So my dad and stepmom are still in town, now staying in LA, and I went and met them for breakfast before work this morning. Now whenever they are in LA they like to stay at this really nice little boutique hotel called The Ambrose, which has a phenomenal breakfast spread. Mostly it's fruit and pastries, and I don't even like pastries, but they do croissants better than the French, I swear to God. So for breakfast I had a chocolate croissant (or, as the French do call it: Pain au Chocolat) and some strawberries and some juice and coffee and it was GREAT.

And then I took an almond croissant for the road (no idea what the French call those).

I just now ate it.

That was unnecessary. But like I said, I'm of one of those mindsets: I don't pass up free food. However, two croissants is one croissant too many. I feel ill.

God, I'm Nice

So I spent $90 at Trader Joe's last night. That seems like it's impossible to do, and trust me, I was amazed when they told me the final tally, especially considering the fact I've never spent more than $50 in one go there, but nonetheless, I had a $90-sized hole in my pocket but enough groceries to last for a while. Or so I think.

See I have this issue at work of always offering everyone around me all my food. Usually, people don't want the food I offer because it's all either organic or weird (see: organic black licorice bites) but often times, when offered, people will accept. And while I am always happy to share, every time someone else takes something from my stash I can't help but think that I am just losing money left and right... but I can't stop myself from offering. I am just TOO nice! SERIOUSLY. Or maybe I am just paranoid and bad at sharing? Yeah, I am probably not nice at all just being one of those selfish girl who hoards away all her food or something. I don't know, but clearly the whole situation has me questioning myself. I confused.*

*Lack of conjugated verb intended to better express confusion.

my neverending quest for olive cream cheese

I love bagels. LOVE. I especially love everything, cinnamon raisin and pumpernickel bagels. Those are my top three faves. It's been something of a struggle to find a really fantastic bagel place in LA, thought I have found two that I do enjoy. HOWEVER, nowhere in this city can I find olive cream cheese, the most delicious of cream cheeses, and apparently available ONLY on the East Coast.

AND THEN...

Today I took a different route to work (after an early morning visit to the DMV) and passed a bagel place I'd always wanted to check out. I walked in and there I saw it--among the listed items under cream cheese flavors was Olive and I could hardly contain my excitement, and after much deliberation (EVERYTHING OR PUMPERNICKEL!) I ordered an everything bagel toasted with olive cream cheese, only to receive this response from the indifferent man at the counter.

"Olive cream cheese has been discontinued."

I'm sorry? DISCONTINUED YOU SAY! JUST WHEN I THINK I'VE FOUND MY MOST FAVORITE OF SPREADABLE CHEESES AND YOU TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME!

So I went with cinnamon raisin and low-fat plain. Delicious, but not the same.

And therefore, I'd like to announce that I am going to attempt to make my own olive cream cheese. And then go to bagel places and make people try it and like it until they realize it's a flavor that every bagel place needs to offer.

Okay so I probably won't do this but maybe one day I will be inspired. Until then, I'll just frequent every bagel place in LA to find the olive cream cheese my heart so desires.

An Open Letter to Whoever Handles the Architecture of the Parking Lot at Trader Joes

Dear Trader Joes,

We get it. You're awesome. You're the king of the grocery stores, what with your perfectly marinated tender beef steaks, precisely cut fresh mango slices, and the most delicious Gorgonzola crackers I've ever found. However, your wide plethora of delicious treats and insanely good prices do not mean that you can just do whatever the fuck you want with your parking lot.

See, I went to the new Trader Joes that recently opened up on Olympic Blvd (right near Ralph's, which is definitely a big F YOU to that store) thrilled to maybe hit the market monolith during an off-hour, or perhaps discover this brand-spanking-new store would have heavenly parking. But NO. Just like the TJs on Pico, the one on Santa Monica Blvd in West Hollywood, and every goddamn Trader Joes I have EVER been to--the parking lot was a complete clusterfuck, regardless of the completely worthless - let's call him this because no other name seems to apply - "traffic director" who could not care less about the actually efficiency of parking.

Yes, sure I am a little riled up. But this is because the whole parking lot experience, getting in and out, took so long that it really just prolonged my trip home and the point of all this grocery shopping in the first place: MY DINNER.

So next time, whoever you are, crazy person who has zero understanding of utilizing space, try a little harder on the Trader Joe's parking lot, please. I don't care how good that sample of Garlic Naan they're handing out happens to be.

Regards,
Stamos

shhhh

HI READERS!

Don't worry, I haven't forsaken you! But with a new job comes new responsibility and less time to do personal things. OBV. So blogging will be LIGHT for a bit while I adjust.

But let's see what can I share, what oh what....

Welllllll Maine was AWESOME but mostly because I ate a lot of ITALIAN SANDWHICHES. Which if you are a devoted reader (and let's get real, WHO ISN'T) you know are maybe my most favorite thing EVER. So delish. Especially if you add in the Cape Cod Sea Salt & Vinegar Chips into the sub. YUM. Not awesome? The humidity on the East Coast. I've become even more of a wimp when it comes to miserable heat. It was a nice excuse to say the word "muggy" a lot, which is not often used or understood in LA.

OK gotta get back to work. (I KNOW! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I am doing lots of REAL work and not just tooling around on the interwebs!)

COLD CUTS

I'd like to openly discuss the fact that I haven't eaten cold cuts in quite sometime, but then I started eating them again. And THEY ARE DELICIOUS. Today I paired a fine Genoa Salami with some Provolone slices and some water crackers. A glorious lunch, I must say.

I HAVE AN URGENT ANNOUNCEMENT

I am addicted to grocery shopping. YES, GROCERY SHOPPING. I have gone grocery shopping almost EVERY day this week. You'd think I could go once and be fine... but nope... For some reason I have to go EVERY SINGLE DAY. Okay, I don't have to, but now since we moved we live right near this AMAZING Whole Foods that is massive and amazing and has so many attractive potential husbands. OKAY SO MAYBE I LIKE GROCERY SHOPPING IN MY TENNIS CLOTHES BECAUSE I LOOK REALLY TAN AND I AM HOPING THAT MAYBE I WILL FIND SOME HEALTH-CONSCIOUS HOTTIE WHO ALSO PLAYS TENNIS. But considering it's Venice it's a lot of hippy/hipster types. I'd probably be better off shopping at the Bristol Farms in Beverly Hills if I were really looking for a hubby. And mabye I am and MAYBE I AM.

No really I just am so indecisive when it comes to food and what I want one a day-to-day basis that I just tend to grocery shop A LOT. Last night I confirmed that Trader Joe's has an excellent music selection. Less attractive people however.

Tonight I plan to go straight to the gym. I WILL AVOID THE GROCERY STORE AT ALL COSTS. Although I am wearing a cute dress today... WILL POWER! SERENITY NOW!

Weekend Recap

It’s been some time since I’ve posted any extensive rambling recaps of my inconsequential life so why don’t I get you all up to speed...

Essentially all my thoughts/spare time of late have been directed towards MOVING because yes, we roommates have moved... and have acquired a 4th roommate, who is officially Roomie #3 but I shall refer to her henceforth as Becca because that is her name. Yes, our crazy life of 20-somethings with tanorexia and a passion for Friday Night Lights has just taken on another duckling and we couldn’t be happier. And our new place is a serious upgrade from the last. No pool, however. (Pool floats, I shall miss thee). But the wet bar and sun deck make up for it, as well as the proximity to so many DELISH bars and restaurants.

Moving is not fun. Okay, that’s a no-brainer, but seriously... wow. Saturday was an epic day of U-Hauls, kind friends offering their muscle, lots of sweating, exhaustion, sheer amazement at how much crap we’ve acquired, and the penultimate satisfaction of somehow doing it all in a day. Sure, by Saturday night I was a zombie, walking around Whole Foods realizing I hadn’t eaten since a bagel at 7:15am but unsure of what cuisine could ease the total body exhaustion.

Yesterday was much better—the morning started off with the Farmer’s Market, coffee on the deck and lots of visits from friends. The day didn’t end so well with yet another earthquake, and this time it was a biggie, causing me to freak out, practically to the point of tears, then take some anti-anxiety medicine and drop into a dreamless slumber (thank God). Worth noting: during the earthquake Adubs ran to protect the fish, Ashleigh grabbed the TV, while Becca and I stood facing each other under the doorway and poor Becca had to witness my freak out firsthand. Per usual, I had thoughts of “Oh my God, this is it, this is the big one, I am going to die.” But it passed, everyone was unharmed, including the TV and Snoopy/Blue (the fish). I went to bed immediately afterwards because I couldn’t handle it, and DiTonto adorably woke up in the middle of the night thinking there was another quake, checked on me and realized if I was asleep and not freaking out she was imagining it and went back to bed. What a lovely roommate family we have! (Although I’ve been informed I have to hold her hand in the water because her phobia is, yep: sharks. That's okay though, I love the ocean and find sharks FASCINATING).

In other news I had a bowl of rice for lunch. I wish I was kidding. But see, we got back most of our security deposit from our old apartment, so I got excited and saw a special on Amazon to purchase the first three seasons of Bones for a ridiculously discounted price so I did that but then I realized that was probably not a smart impulse buy and am relegated to eating whatever food I already have in the office all week. Look for yogurt, oatmeal and fake meat products to be a regular part of my diet over the next few days...

More later, especially regarding the Citizen’s Arrest and the Chapstick Bandits, but for now I should get back to that “work” stuff I do sometimes.

a meal deal

Apparently May 11 (TODAY) is "Eat What You Want Day." (I have no idea who decided that was the case and why, but I think I read it on some website somewhere so I am going to run with it).

I had a delicious MEAL DEAL at Subway for lunch. I fucking love the Subway meal deal. Best $6 to spend. Seriously. Later I'm thinking of picking up some Hot Tamales because "I might go to the gym later so I deserve a treat." (Not the case, I just wanted to quote a very relatable quote from 30 Rock. I actually am not going to the gym today, but starting my move--yes, we're moving!--so lugging boxes will be part of my workout).

I desperately need to go grocery shopping. Last night's foray to Vons for a hodge podge of items (Shampoo, Snickers Ice Cream bars, and Pirate's Booty) will not suffice.

Discovery: Quiznos is Suprisingly Delish

That Taco Bell mention yesterday fueled a lot of fast food conversations with various people, one of whom strongly suggested I try out Quiznos. I have been a longtime fan of Subway and since I was in middle school I've gotten the same sandwich. Want to hear it? I'm going to tell you anyway. It's weird... ready? Okay: Turkey, Pickles and Peppers. That's it. Sometimes provolone. It's heavenly. Seriously. It is!

But anyway, after my tennis classes Tuesday nights I often stop at a Subway on the way home because I am so damn hungry, but after tennis last night I decided to get crazy and mix things up with a trip to Quiznos.

I have to admit, going to a chain restaurant and having never been before makes me nervous. I don't know what to get, what the protocol is, what's good, what's not good, etc. I WAS SCARED. But then I spotted a delicious looking classic sub--the Italian (which I have to point out, is not at all the same as the version of the Italian I grew up loving in Maine, but the more standard version) and sure enough, it was divine. Quiznos gives Subway some SERIOUS competition. And I am excited because I am playing tennis twice this week so I am thinking after tomorrow's session I might have to make a repeat trip.

what not to do when on a conference call

Earlier today I was on a conference call and because I like to multi-task I was also eating some Hot Tamales and talking online with DiTonto who mentioned she was going to walk to Subway for lunch and because we work near each other and because I didn't feel like waiting in line I demanded she get me some Subway too so then I started laughing a little bit but tried to stifle my laugh but this was difficult whilst eating Hot Tamales and then one of my co-workers asked,

"Who is breathing really loudly?"

So I put the phone on mute.

But DiTonto didn't end up going to Subway afterall so I got a Grilled Chicken Club from a restaurant downstairs and while I delighted at the savory saltiness of some bacon I contemplated a resolution to Swine Flu: what if we just eat all the swine? GET IT!!!!!???

No really. Has anyone explored this option?

I never want to take these shoes off

So I am wearing my TOMS again. They are borderline maybe NOT the most appropriate work shoes (although no one seems to care) but they are seriously so incredibly comfortable. Again, I recommend them to ALL.

MMMMM I AM GOING TO EAT A QUESADILLA FOR LUNCH TODAY! DELISH.

(And if you can't tell... I have little to no creative juices today, hence boring blog posts... maybe later I'll post some killer viral videos or something? Coachella pretty much just put me in a daze I've yet to emerge from...)

What is this "taxes" thing everyone speaks of?

So apparently today is TAX DAY. Or maybe tomorrow is. All I know is I don't like it. And I've obviously left things to the last minute... and I'm obviously confused and overwhelmed by so many numbers, charts, graphs, and letters and combinations of numbers, charts, graphs, and letters on so many stapled pages. And something that requires me to purchase stamps? No thank you.

PAUSE PLEASE! I just remembered I haven't watered Horace in a week! (Man, Horace is thirsty).

Anyhoo, this tax business is just no fun. Especially for poor, pathetic Hollywood assistants such as myself. Actually, I think for most Hollywood assistants it is fun because they find shady accountants to get them $1000+ refunded, whereas I somehow manage to owe money when I take the honorable route. Go figure.

2ND PAUSE PLEASE! I just ate an Oreo which reminded me that they might be one of my most favorite cookie treats. If I were one of those people who could just eat whatever and never get fat then I would eat 4-6 Oreos a day.

If I were a skilled singer/songwriter I might write a little diddy that more eloquently expressed my poorly-articulated feelings on taxes, but alas, I am not. I am a marginally decent poet however. In high school I was selected to participate in this poetry workshop which culminated in the chance to read a master opus for willing audience members. My poem was a detailed account of all the times I have vomited on airplanes (hmm, I am now having writing deja vu, which means I've written about this before... which means I need to work on memory retention). Sometimes for shits and giggles and because I am a little bit of a loser I will go into my old writings and read all the poems I've written over the years. This often results in hilarity, followed by sadness, then embarrassment, then strangely: inspiration.

Speaking of inspiration, I feel inspired during this lunch hour to actually address this TAXES issue. Translation: I am going to call my Dad and complain, then ask where I am supposed to sign, then contemplate how many stamps a somewhat oversized envelope might require. Maybe then I'll write a poem.

Food Coma

Had one of those monthly lunches with co-workers (gotta love corporate bonding) and I am now suffering a severe food coma. WHAT DID I HAVE FOR LUNCH? I will tell you. I split (with my friend who I shall refer to as V) a salad and a turkey burger and both were delish. And now I just want to take a little sleep on my desk. However, I do believe that sort of thing is frowned upon.

In other news, I just read a fascinating New Yorker piece that, among other things, looked at the longstanding pop culture obsession with vampires. It's really an astute point. Which makes me wonder, what IS IT with people loving vampires? I mean shit I would be all about having a forbidden love with Edward Cullen or Angel ANY day (but not that Bill dude on True Blood, he's gross), so my next question is, does that make me extra weird? (I say EXTRA because I am already regular weird). Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic? (Ew. I also like a nice steak and long walks on the beach). Maybe I am a tween? Maybe I should go write some shitty fan-fiction and publish millions of books to angsty tweens/housewives Twilight style? I mean, think about it. Anytime anyone writes a book or creates a film that has something to do with vampires people go nutso for it. Clearly, the human inclination is for a sadistic obsession with a blood-sucking demon, so perhaps I should look for a way to capitalize on our perverse nature.

Anyway I have big plans tonight to purchase a tennis skirt and tennis shoes. See, now that I am SERIOUS about tennis (and seriously less terrible than I was--still moderately terrible, though) I need to start looking the part a little more. This doesn't mean I will cease attending classes in various themes (various themes usually translate to anything 80s when it comes to me), but I need some more appropriate/practical clothes (aka a pair of shoes that prevents me from falling, which almost happened in Sunday's lesson).

Okay I have to go procrastinate some and then I have to stare blankly at my computer screen and then I have to daydream and then I have to think about doing work and then I am going to have to do all the work I have to do in the last hour during which I am supposed to be here.

Adieu.