New Beginnings! (Featuring Runon Sentences, Digressions, and Excessive Use of Caps Lock)

Exciting news YOU GUYS! I got a new job! And for the first time in my Hollywood career I can actually publicly talk about where I am working which is a big weight off my shoulders. (And I guess I can tell you guys about my current/soon-to-be-old-job as well? More on that to come...)

So, what am I doing? Well, in case you didn't catch it on Twitter yesterday, or you weren't aware from the evolution of this blog (aka my recent descent into tumblr), I've finally decided that I want to really make a go at a career as a TV writer (no not a TV blogger - and I love all those of you who do, but it just ain't my cup of tea).  This spring I brushed up my sample (it's a half hour comedy pilot about crazy chicks in their 20s - think a lot of my stories from when I first lived out in LA) and sent it around and got help from all the amazing executives I currently work with, and some of my agent friends... 

Now let me tell you, getting a writing job in this town is NOT easy. Far from it. To get a staff writer job you need an agent or manager - which I do not have (yet) - and to get a Writers Assistant job (which is often like a baby writer) you either need to have already been a PA on the show or know someone on the show or be related to someone on the show or like sell your soul or give up your firstborn or something... so that didn't happen either (even after I had the president of the studio putting in calls for me. For real. PRESIDENT OF THE STUDIO. THIS IS A MAN WHO REPORTS TO RUPERT MURDOCH. Calling people. Telling them to hire me. And then... crickets... It is HARD you guys). 

A few weeks ago I didn't think it was going to happen. I had sort of waved off this staffing season as my first real try and my boss and I had started to brainstorm how we'd try to get me onto a cable or show or at least an agent or manager, both of us thinking that I gave it my best and that was that. But then, finally, FINALLY, I got a bite! 

After a great interview with the amazing Co-EPs (um, who used to be on Friday Night Lights by the way... Yes, FNL YOU GUYS! AKA MY FAVORITE SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF SHOWS! LIKE THEY WERE SO CLOSE TO TIM RIGGINS. TIM RIGGINS!) and lots of help and support from some writers and studio executives I was offered the great gig of Writers PA on the new Fox show The Finder, which, for those who don't know, is a loose spinoff of the show Bones! And as of next Monday, I'm starting over in the writers offices on the Fox lot.

So that's pretty damn cool. I'm stoked. The writing staff Hart Hanson has hired (he's the showrunner) is AMAZING (including my friend Aaron Ginsburg, who was so kickass in helping me get this gig/figure out how to make this transition to becoming a full-time TV writer/listen to my regular existential crises) and I'm going to be working with and learning from some of the best writers in this town - I'm super-duper excited and a little bit pee-my-pants nervous. I mean, making the jump from the corporate world to the non-corporate world is SCARY (I think I'm already driving Hart's assistant nuts with my endless questions. And I'm showing a lot of restraint too! I swear!). But hey - I want to be a writer and this is how it goes - no more corporate stability for me!

Seriously though, I'm so excited to just learn the ins and outs of a show from the side of the show (as opposed to the studio side) - and really excited that I get to be around smart, creative, and talented people all day (seriously, did you guys see that Josh Friedman is a consulting producer on the show? I watched his pilot Locke and Key last night and it was so damn good... I mean, I am going to be around these insanely talented scribes everyday!).  I can't wait to just soak in the smartness. (I'm just gonna sit back and soak it all in like I do the sun. And I'm really damn good at soaking in the sun. I mean, I have tanorexia, that is how good I am).


But never fear, my loyal readers (seriously, there are a bunch of you who I don't know personally but have been reading my shit for going on five years now, and, that means so much to me) - when I can I'm going to continue to work on my own stuff.  I mean shit, if I've gone almost four years of balancing all the outside writing on top of the corporate jobs, then this is going to be so exciting to actually be at a place where "I'm a writer" is the norm.  Even better, I've started the process of meeting with managers and have had some agents helping me out, so hopefully by the end of the show's wrap I'll be in a position to really get out there for pilot and staffing seasons.  Additionally I'm working on two features (one with my dear friend Sarah, aka Twitter's shinyunicorn), have a great plan for a comedy book, and will continue to post to HelloGiggles, CulturePop and the Huffington Post. Oh and I have a whole bunch of new TV pilots in the can, including a project I am obsessed with that's about badass lady stoners (seriously. Just go with it).

So, please go check out the "backdoor pilot" of The Finder here, and I'll definitely be sure to keep everyone in the loop about when the show premieres and what I am up to and all that jazz!  BUT NO SPOILERS. You guys KNOW how I feel about spoilers. I don't like 'em and I don't give 'em!


I'll do a post on my current gig some point later this week. I'll tell you all about the studio I work at and the shows I've been working on (hint: "When you're a spy...") and show pics of the ridiculous wrap gifts we've gotten over the years and the fun stuff like that. It's a little bittersweet to leave but only because I love my boss here SO MUCH (I seriously get teary-eyed thinking about leaving him), but he's so supportive and wants me to go off and do my thing and spread my wings and all that jazz... so off I go!

I think one of my favorite parts about all this is now I get to dress like a schlub. I'm sure at some point I'll miss wearing all my bright dresses, skirts and fancy tops, but oh my god I am going to be able to wear hoodies and sparkly TOMS and no make-up and even shorts... like EVERYDAY. NO MORE HIGH HEELS! 


THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST EVER!

Stamos vs. Stamos

Faithful readers, I owe you an apology - it's been over a year since the last Stamos vs. Stamos, and that, my dear friends, is terrible.  I fear that in the meanwhile, the other Stamos is gaining on me.  The good news is that while I've lost count of the overall score at this point, I feel confident that I am still winning (note: Stamos vs. Stamos competitions are almost always rigged in my favor, because well, he's John Fucking Stamos, so I'm operating with one hell of a handicap here - okay?).

HOWEVER: Today, my unflailing confidence has been brutally attacked. Crushed, almost. See, today I saw a picture of John Stamos at the premiere party for the new season of Glee - for which, as I mentioned before, he was mistakenly cast - and with one glimpse at that photo I KNEW it would be a tough round.

Look at this photo. LOOK HARD. Drink. It. In.

Pay close attention loyal readers.

Do you see it?

DO YOU SEE IT?

Yes, he's playing ping-pong, which not only demonstrates that he has a degree of athletic ability, but that he's fun to hang with at a party and probably has a great sense of humor too (whatever, he's amaaaaaaaaazing, FINE).

But it is NOT the ping-pong I am focused on here (by the way, I'm totally down for a Stamos vs. Stamos ping pong match. In the inevitable compeition reality show I'm just waiting for a network to pick up, this will definitely happen). No, how could I be focused on the ping-pong when there is something else here I cannot help but stare at...?

John Stamos is tan. VERY TAN. SO TAN I AM FIGHTING AN ENSLAUGHT OF RAGE/JEALOUSY/AROUSAL (that's a perfectly acceptable range of emotions so shut your piehole).  You see, Mr. Stamos - I am tan. I AM VERY TAN. I MAY OR MAY NOT (MAY) SUFFER FROM TANOREXIA - THAT IS HOW TAN I AM. People call me "Tannie Annie." People ask me how to properly apply sunscreen so that they too can be as tan as I am. People ask me if all I did all weekend was lay out in the sun (yes I did). I am both mocked and admired for my tan - it is a part of the Stamos package, a part of the Stamos je ne sais quoi, a part of the Stamos brand. The Stamos that is ME.  And here you are, with your perfect hair, and your excellent ping-pong paddle-holding form, with your not-too-bushy-but-just-enough-fluff eyebrows and pearly white teeth and you have a tan that not only rivals my tan, but could in fact surpass my own bronzed color.

NOT OKAY.

The good news, however, is that I just got back from six days in Maine where I spent a luxurious Labor Day weekend kayaking and playing tennis and laying on the beach, and eating fresh seafood gathered from the ocean that is essentailly my own backyard, (and what did you do this weekend? Work on that TV show or something? Laaaaaaaame) so I too am tan.  You know, I am SO TAN, in fact, that this round?

I win.

I don't even need to hold my forearm up against yours for comparison (however, I am completely open to that option if you'd like to challenge these results. We can rub forearms any day of the week). I win. I AM TANNER.

But nice try, Stamos. NICE TRY. I'll admit, it was a little too close for comfort this time. I don't think you've come this close to conquering me since you pulled out an improbable win at Disneyland.

Weekend Recap

It’s been some time since I’ve posted any extensive rambling recaps of my inconsequential life so why don’t I get you all up to speed...

Essentially all my thoughts/spare time of late have been directed towards MOVING because yes, we roommates have moved... and have acquired a 4th roommate, who is officially Roomie #3 but I shall refer to her henceforth as Becca because that is her name. Yes, our crazy life of 20-somethings with tanorexia and a passion for Friday Night Lights has just taken on another duckling and we couldn’t be happier. And our new place is a serious upgrade from the last. No pool, however. (Pool floats, I shall miss thee). But the wet bar and sun deck make up for it, as well as the proximity to so many DELISH bars and restaurants.

Moving is not fun. Okay, that’s a no-brainer, but seriously... wow. Saturday was an epic day of U-Hauls, kind friends offering their muscle, lots of sweating, exhaustion, sheer amazement at how much crap we’ve acquired, and the penultimate satisfaction of somehow doing it all in a day. Sure, by Saturday night I was a zombie, walking around Whole Foods realizing I hadn’t eaten since a bagel at 7:15am but unsure of what cuisine could ease the total body exhaustion.

Yesterday was much better—the morning started off with the Farmer’s Market, coffee on the deck and lots of visits from friends. The day didn’t end so well with yet another earthquake, and this time it was a biggie, causing me to freak out, practically to the point of tears, then take some anti-anxiety medicine and drop into a dreamless slumber (thank God). Worth noting: during the earthquake Adubs ran to protect the fish, Ashleigh grabbed the TV, while Becca and I stood facing each other under the doorway and poor Becca had to witness my freak out firsthand. Per usual, I had thoughts of “Oh my God, this is it, this is the big one, I am going to die.” But it passed, everyone was unharmed, including the TV and Snoopy/Blue (the fish). I went to bed immediately afterwards because I couldn’t handle it, and DiTonto adorably woke up in the middle of the night thinking there was another quake, checked on me and realized if I was asleep and not freaking out she was imagining it and went back to bed. What a lovely roommate family we have! (Although I’ve been informed I have to hold her hand in the water because her phobia is, yep: sharks. That's okay though, I love the ocean and find sharks FASCINATING).

In other news I had a bowl of rice for lunch. I wish I was kidding. But see, we got back most of our security deposit from our old apartment, so I got excited and saw a special on Amazon to purchase the first three seasons of Bones for a ridiculously discounted price so I did that but then I realized that was probably not a smart impulse buy and am relegated to eating whatever food I already have in the office all week. Look for yogurt, oatmeal and fake meat products to be a regular part of my diet over the next few days...

More later, especially regarding the Citizen’s Arrest and the Chapstick Bandits, but for now I should get back to that “work” stuff I do sometimes.

What I'm Watching and Reading and Doing and Thinking

So you probably noticed that some time ago I added that little box to the right, and it includes such fascinating details ABOUT ME such as what I am eating and watching and listening to and wishing and you may have ALSO NOTICED (that I love spontaneous capitalization? DUH!) that I sometimes updated it daily and sometimes not at all and that it once said reading but as I embarassingly have been doing more watching than reading I changed it and ANYWAY THE POINT OF THIS INCESSANT RAMBLING is that I want to talk about what I am going to be watching on TV tonight/this weekend.

So. I am house sitting this weekend and have some serious plans to live like a little hermit and NOT GO OUT. Why not go out? A few reasons: I am low on cash (it's the economy, stupid!), I sometimes have an inner conflict that I drink too much when I do go out, and I NEED A MOMENT. That moment will be catching up on TV, and trying to finish the two books I am reading, and of course, if it is nice, feeding the tanorexia in Malibu.

So let me talk about some shows for a moment because as we ALL KNOW, TV is my true passion. Well one of them (some others include: hot tamales, aquaphor, talking to myself, wearing odd clothing combinations).

Tonight is a new episode of Bones. FOX 8 pm. I AM REALLY EXCITED. My roommates are probably less excited because everyday TNT runs a repeat and they've been going straight from Season 1 the past month or so, and so almost daily I've been watching Bones and, consequently, so have Annie and Ashleigh. But it hasn't been new in like THREE WEEKS and it FINALLY is tonight and I am really excited. Yes, I LOVE a show all about icky human remains. Obviously it's more about the "will they or won't they" relationship of the two leads, but there's a serious geek component there too.

What else... okay well obviously I am still in the middle of catching up on Buffy the Vampire Slayer although I haven't been as engrossed in it the past two weeks. In fact, this week I think I've only watched two episodes total, and I have one left in Season 4 before I move onto Season 5. Loving my Netflix subscription though--I feel as though it's going to enable me to start watching so many other shows (on deck: Big Love, Dexter, Damages, Six Feet Under).

I'm also pretty psyched for new episodes of 30 Rock and The Office and I haven't watched Grey's Anatomy or Private Practice in about a month, but I am thinking one of these days I might go on a binge and go back to those buzzed-about crossover episodes and catch up. Oh and I haven't watched this weeks episode of The City yet (yes, I am still watching that craptastic mess, what, did you think I would have forgotten? PUHLEEZE.)

More importantly, only two episodes of Battlestar Galactica remain. Three for me because I STILL haven't watched last week's ep (and shockingly have remained spoiler-free). That show is so unbelievably good and I don't care if you are averse to science fiction or special effects or something that airs on the SciFi channel because if you like a show that explores morals, ethics, politics, religion, love, friendship, loyalty, ETC, then you will LOVE THIS SHOW. And if you don't like a show that explores such things then I am guessing you hate freedom.

I'll also probably watch Dollhouse tomorrow night because I'm starting to enjoy that show, and I would be watching Friday Night Lights if I hadn't already watched the whole season on DirecTV (FYI, WATCH THAT SHOW).

As for books, I got about halfway through the intense and captivating The Handmaid's Tale before my brother gave me UnLunDun which is a YA Fantasy book (of course) that I read at whiplash speeds until I got distracted with TV shows and still somehow have 100 pages left. I need to finish it. And I got my new issue of the New Yorker in the mail yesterday which I plan to read (apprently the cover is controversial for poking fun at the Michelle Obama sleeveless arms debacle). And now that I am hooked on my Google Reader I'm sure I won't be too far from my phone or computer all weekend...

So that's that.

Free Association

It’s Wednesday. Of course it’s raining today. The weather the past few days has been very odd. Crazy hot and sunny this weekend, dreary on Monday, sunny again Tuesday, torrential downpour Wednesday. I’m curious to see what Mother Nature has in store the rest of the week. Who knew LA weather could be so interesting. Isn't it? Aren't you fascinated by my weather reports? I sure am.

Speaking of interesting, last night Adam and I went to tennis at a new night and time because we’d finally had enough of our poor excuse for an instructor and delinquent classmates. Honestly, it was as though we were in an outreach program at the local playground where people happened to be swinging rackets around. We thought we were the best in the class, and that we were really improving. That is, until, we joined this other class with a competent instructor and realized that for the past 6 weeks we really had been in an outreach program. We learned more in the first 10 minutes than in all previous classes with Captain Shitty Coach Who Loves Innuendo. Of course this class was made up of 4 other women, all in their late 20s (I’d guess), except for one highly Type A competitive bitch, who we decided was 38, single, and although she was similar to one of the Plastics of Mean Girls, she was really just a huge tool (Adam and I might be more like the Plastics of Mean Girls, in retrospect). At one point I saw her shooting me dagger eyes while I was practicing serving and I turned around to face her and she spluttered out “that was a good serve” in her least convincing/most-machine like voice. It was uncomfortable. Final decision? It’s private lessons from here on out.

And in other news, if you haven't already noticed, I figured out how to get my Twitter feed on the blog (look to the right). Very exciting. For you. Obviously. What does this mean? This means that in addition to daily posts you now can come back here for regular updates in 140 characters or less! I still recommend getting on Twitter (and trust me, once you are there you will soon get addicted), but now it's a little microblog on the blog. GOD IS ANYONE AS OBSSESED WITH ME AS I SEEM TO BE? Seriously I could use a good slap in the face right now.

Speaking of face, mine is starting to peel a little bit. I'd forgotten how much I love being tan. I know that sounds shocking, considering I often contemplate my battle with tanorexia, but in the winter I let myself go.

And with that I am going to go... I've been dreaming up this whole opinion piece (because I never write my opinion) on the case for Twitter, but I feel like I've already beaten that one to death, so I'll spare you that, for now.

Speaking of beating to death, the roommates and I are still getting many a laugh out of the story of the woman who's pet chimp went AWOL and tore off her friend's face, prompting her to tell the police "shoot on sight" and that when she stabbed her beloved pet it was though he looked up at her saying, "why Mommy!"

Oh and speaking of the roommates we are getting our nasty carpet cleaned today. I'll believe it when I see it.

When Tanorexia Turns Awkward

While everyone on the East Coast is suiting up in their finest outer gear for a snow day I am really awkwardly tan. Well... orange might be more appropriate.

It was another beautiful weekend in LA and I spent all day yesterday at the beach in Malibu, just loving the perfect weather and the sun and the heat, totally unaware of any blizzards elsewhere in the country.

Five hours later I'm sufficiently well done, which means today I'm a cross between burned and tan--making me orange. Not one of my co-workers has failed to mention my crisp glow today, and it's quite embarrassing when everyone else looks normal and I look like I just spent a week in the Bahamas or something. I'm assuming that it will go down by Wednesday and I'll just look like I have some fresh color. Until then... call me George Hamilton.

Summer Musings

Memorial Day Weekend is nearly upon us, and its passing marks the unofficial beginning of summer. During my youth (let's pretend 24 is old for now) I recall spending Memorial Day marching in the local parade. Sometimes with the pep band. I played the saxophone. That's awkward... moving on.

Memorial Day Weekend in Maine, or actually anywhere in New England, is usually a beautiful rainy weekend or a beautiful sunny weekend--regardless the weather, it always strikes me as just a lovely span of three days to enjoy spring and the approaching summer months.

Well, this is the first summer where I don't have summer, and that my friends is a miserable concept. Unlike summers past, spent on Maine, Martha's Vineyard or on some elaborate outward bound type camping trip or community service journey to a third world country, this summer I will be spending my days at my desk, wistfully looking at the window's of my bosses off (when he leaves the door open), brightening my day by wearing bright colors, and drinking as much water as possible (because going to the bathroom every half hour helps the pass the time). Some possible benefits of a summer spent at the office include decreased skin cancer risk (I can feed my tanorexia as efficiently when I can't get to the beach every day) and decreased liver problems (less drinking). Side effects are healthy it would seem.

Regardless of the impending doom of a summer spent staring at a computer, I have no doubt Summer '08 will be one for the books. And I am not talking about the new Indiana Jones movie (I actually couldn't care less), or even the new X-Files movie (I couldn't care more) but just about LA, where fortunately after weekend feels like summer even when it isn't. LA is summer all year round...

LA Weather Conditions

It's dreary out. Actually I have no idea what the current weather conditions are because my cubicle is not near any windows and the doors to the offices with windows through which I normally observe Los Angeles weather patterns are closed. Based on my drive this morning, I would say it's probably dreary, and likely to "burn off" by the afternoon. This notion of clouds "burning off" is new to me. I think it really means that around noon all the smog lifts to reveal it is just a regular sunny, nice day after all.

Regardless, right now I can't think of nothing I want more that to put on some sweatpants and curl up with a good book. Which is odd, because I live in California and I feel like this is a feeling I rarely have, so I am starting to think that perhaps I am really just missing New England and springtime in New England which is usually a lot of rain. (And therefore conducive to feelings of curling up with a book.) I was watching the Today Show at the gym this morning and when they do that bit about "Here's the weather in your neck of the woods" I still wish I would get to see Maine's weather. Weather in Los Angeles is pretty boring; "70, 70, 68, 72 and don't worry it will be nice for the weekend!" Because it wasn't nice the rest of the week? I have to admit that I miss the ice storms, the near-flood conditions, the freak hail storms in June, and all that snow.

I know the grass is greener on the other side and if I were in Maine I would be thinking, my God this weather is miserable, but there is something to be said about experiencing extreme weather conditions, or just varying weather conditions at all. It's exciting... or maybe it just keeps things interesting, makes the passage of time a little more noticeable, and I am less inclined to feel guilty spending a day inside.

Look at me, complaining about sunshine. Stay tuned for next week when I complain about not being tan enough. (No really, I will, because I suffer from a disease known as Tanorexia. Yes, Tanorexia is real. Hundreds of American's suffer from this debilitating affliction. No my stomach isn't made of leather. Its hard, rubbery surface is one of the symptoms of Tanorexia. Leave me alone. I need to go to the beach.)

My battle with Tanorexia

I know you think that your eyes have decieved you. You just read that title and you are thinking, "Huh, what? Tanorexia?" Well if you haven't been living under a rock for the past 5 years than you should be well aware that Tanorexia is a disease that afflicts countless Americans each year. The Tara Reids, the Paris Hiltons, and sadly, yes, the Lindsay Lohans of our great nation fall victim to this nasty predator all the time. And I myself can commiserate, for I too, understand this battle.

Since I was a wee little babe I worshipped the sun. I remember a vacation in Arizona with my mom in middle school when I declared I wanted a new bathing suit to fulfill my pursuit of the perfect "tummy tan." My love for the sun was certainly passed down to me from my own mother who would fondly impart stories of her boarding school days at Rosemary Hall when she would tan with baby oil; a method I later tried one spring at Middlebury.

In high school and college I will say that I was completely hooked on being tan. I am generally lucky to have a somewhat tanner skin tone anyways, but the discovery of the tanning both when I was 16 brought about a whole new world of indulgences. I was totally hooked on the fake'n'bake, and wasnt ashamed to admit it.

In recent years, I definitely have gone to the actual tanning booth less and less, but I can't deny that I love to be tan. I am also addicted to sunscreen--which is a good thing. I think I more fearful of being sunburned than I am pale, which is why I am obsessive about reapplying and sunscreen zoning. What is sunscreen zoning, you ask? Why it is the perfectly implemented technique of applying specific SPFs of sunscreen in very specific areas of the body. For example, SPF 30 goes on my face, while my stomach (which at the peak of my summer tan can in some light resemble a leathery object), I only need around an SPF 4. Then again, a lot of this depends on the time of year I am in the sun, length of exposure, geographical location, etc etc. Suntanning, you see is very scientific.

A great invention--and a healthy option--is the spray tan. I used to frequent the lovely Mystic Tan of Tanorama Suntanning in Portland, ME everynow and then. I was reminded of this earlier, when in a conversation with a friend, I broke down the very important need-to-knows of spray tanning. First of all, you absolutely need to have a base tan before you go in, otherwise you just look orange. It is important that when you shower beforehand (which I highly recommend) you don't use any products with oil in them because the spray tan is water-based. Furthermore, do not, repeat--DO NOT--shower or sweat for a minimum of 4 hours after the tan. I of course had some issues with the sweating bit. So, yes--that's the beauty of the mystic tan.

Before I moved to LA my brother said to me, "you'll love it--you can be tan year round!" Well maybe if I just surf and work at Barnes & Noble like he did when he was here. The way things are workig for me now is that tanning has been pushed to the sidelines, a weekend indulgence, if at all (and of course the occasional visit to the nearest tanning salon, of which LA has no shortage.)

Of course, it's healthier when you are not addicted to being tan all the time, but Tanorexia--it's real. I know.