So remember that time (aka every time) when I beat John Stamos in a "Stamos vs. Stamos" competition, mostly by default, but also because I am biased toward myself winning in all irrationally stupid web-based competitions with famous TV actors?
Well, you can forget about me ever saying I was always a guaranteed win, folks, because today I have Earth-shattering proof that Stamos has just owned me. Dominated. Destroyed. He is the victor supreme.
Please see this photo:
Stamos: Epic Win.
1. He is posing with TINA FEY. This is a no-brainer.
2. He is at Disneyland.
3. He is also standing with Belle, Cinderella, and Snow White and while I’m slightly concerned he might be marginally racist (where are Jasmine and Ariel? What, do you have a thing against Persians and Mermaids, Stamos?), he is posing with some Goddamn DISNEY PRINCESSES.
4. He is wearing a fedora and dirty old-people Velcro shoes. And PULLING IT OFF. SOMEHOW. PROBABLY BECAUSE HE IS JOHN STAMOS.
5. He is referred to as a Disneyphile.
Stamos: Epic fail.
1. I have no pictures with Tina Fey (besides the one I have tucked into my mirror with a word bubble that says “work on some improv Stamos and someday you might have a shot. Like me. Also: try glasses.” That’s a lie. I have no such picture. Just in my head. And the drawer in my nightstand).
2. I have never been to Disneyland. Only Disneyworld. And naturally, Florida = Fail.
3. The closest I have ever come to standing with a princess is when I took that ridiculous Facebook quiz "Which Disney Princess are you?" and somehow landed with Mulan. Fucking Mulan.
4. I do not own a fedora nor do I have any shoes with velcro, nor could I successfully pull off this look.
5. I am not a Disneyphile. The only “phile” I might be is an X-Phile. (Also a Francophile—these two “-philes” were actually united in my secret 5th grade AOL screenname XFille—literal translation is X-Girl, which unbeknownst to me at the time did not indicate I was a nerdy fan of The X-Files but rather portrayed me as a French porn star, and resulted in a lot of confusing spam email). The shame!
I’ll get you next time Stamos.
MARK MY WORDS.