Zack and Kelly got married!

You guys! Maine is the best place in the world. It really is. I am so lucky to have grown up there and to still be so incredibly close to all my friends who did as well.

So yes - I made it home last week, despite Hurricane Irene's attempts to delay me, and it was the most lovely trip, which was capped off with the one of the best weddings ever -- when my two dear friends Brett and Garrett, (who are, BTW, high school sweethearts -- hence the Saved By The Bell reference in the subject of this post, duh) got married.

It was incredible! Brett was BEAUTIFUL. I mean she's always beautiful but seeing one of your best friends look that beautiful and happy and in love? Well, let's just say I cried all day. Like ALL DAY. It's funny because I think some of my friends maybe thought it was because the enormity of the event had me missing my mom, but in reality, I think it was the profound emotional impact of watching someone I grew up with, someone who is like a sister to me, someone who I admire and adore and love and respect, have a day for her, a day to marry the guy who makes her the happiest in the world and God, are they happy!

Yes of course I wish my mom could have been there because she loved Brett and Brett's mom was one of her best friends, but I felt that she was there watching it all go down and crying along with me! Frankly, I think I was too touched by Brett and Garrett committing their lives to each other to really focus on anything else. I mean -- and I know I'm going to sound like a big sap here -- it really was beautiful. Brett's family loves her so much - she's the oldest of four and the only daughter and the relationship she has with her younger brothers is amazing -- inspiring really. Jesus, just writing about it right now has me tearing up again (although when I told my own brother about my endless waterworks, he responded with "Well, you did cry during cotton commercials when you were a kid").  And look, some of you might be thinking that crying at a wedding is totally normal -- which it is -- but like, holy shitballs I was losing it. I gave a reading during the ceremony, and my only goal was to not cry during that, which I made it through. But the rest? Nope. I think I lost 5 pounds in water weight! At one point at the reception some random friend of Brett's mom came up to me and said "your display of emotion was touching" which was really sweet but then I am pretty sure I turned three shades of red (well, I was really tan so maybe it wasn't that noticeable but trust me, I was blushing my face off).

Anyway. Zack and Kelly got married and it was the best wedding ever (granted I've been to like, four ever and this was the first I was ever in but WHATEVER). We were also maybe the most efficient and on-time bridal party ever. We were so on the ball I think at one point we were, like, 45 minutes ahead of schedule. As I said on my Twitter that morning, and later on in the trolley on the way to the ceremony -- we bridesmaided the SHIT out of that wedding!

Garrett isn't exactly open-eyed in this shot but I pulled it from Facebook as none of the official pics are up yet.

An Open Letter to Hurricane Irene

Dear Hurricane Irene,

Do not fuck with me. I'm totally serious. You better get your fat ass away from the East Coast this instant, or at least by this time tomorrow. See, tomorrow I'm headed to Maine, my favorite place in the entire world, and if your meddling messes with my red eye flight through Philadelphia to the lovely state capital of Portland I will be SO PISSED.

That shit would NOT be cool, Irene. Not at all.

Just calm down, okay? Maybe wait until like September 6, after I'm back in LA, to really muck things up. Could you do that please?

And change your name. Irene makes me think of a woman with excessively long fingernails that are some putrid shimmery orange color and she keeps pictures of her cat at her cubicle at her job as an administrative assistant at a paper company.

Sincerely,
Stamos

OMG! Black Shatter Nail Polish!

Damn you, Katy Perry. I try so hard not to like you and then you create a nail polish line with OPI that includes a color called "Black Shatter" that LITERALLY SHATTERS ON YOUR NAIL AND ALMOST LOOKS LIKE TIE-DYE.

I mean that is GENIUS. And made for ME. I can't wait to get "Teenage Dream" and put Black Shatter over it. OMG OR MAYBE I WILL PAINT EVERY NAIL A DIFFERENT COLOR AND THEN PUT BLACK SHATTER ON THEM ALL! The possibilities are endless, you guys!

My favorite part of the video is when the host lady talks about "working in a conservative office environment." HAHAHAHAHA MAN. What's that like?

Boston Snowfall, Measured in Shaq

Shaq-o-meter: Does season's snowfall measure up to Shaq?

Just brilliant. 

it's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring...

It's another dreary day in LA, but I am perfectly okay with the gray weather - it feels like we're getting a fall! So I'm back to wearing my Barbour coat and my cowboy boots and looking like I'm going on hunting trips in the English countryside. Which, frankly, sounds just lovely.

 Anyone know the rest of that nursery rhyme? You know "it's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring" and then something about bumping his head? Yes?

This & That

+A reminder that I am not at Comic Con. To celebrate (aka mourn) this I am live-tweeting all the inane things I am doing today. For example, right now it's fucking freezing in my office, which leads me to believe they keep our offices especially cold only to make it impossible to be comfortable and/or fall asleep. Maybe not. I don't really know.

+I rediscovered tumblr last night. As well as my old tumblr that I started posting to (after first deleting some hilariously old post from like two years ago). Not really sure if it's going to be of any interest to me/anyone, but I view that social media site as more of a platform for personal expression. Or those dumb "F Yeah [insert relative pop culture name/term here]" blogs. Right now, all I've posted are quotes I like and some photos I took. And like a song lyric or two. So yeah, it's essentially my diary ten years later.

+Seriously, it's fucking freezing in here!

"frequently confused with ringworm, but antifungal creams won't help, because it is not a fungus" OR "that time I got f-ed over by the rain"

So. It's raining a lot in LA right now. A lot a lot. So much rain that highways are being closed, houses are being evacuated and oh, also? I have a rash. Because of the rain.

This morning I had a pre-scheduled doctor's appointment for a regular monthly check-up on my various medications (that's right folks, I've go the drug regimen of a divorcee circa 1997). I love my doctor. Been seeing her since when I first moved out to LA. We're tight.

Right after she tells me all my vitals are looking great as usual yada yada yada I say to her:

"Yo I have some sort of crazy rash all over my upper body." Which is true. A few days ago I noticed a weird mark on my back (two of my friends said it almost looked like a spider bite, however the general consensus was ringworm. Spoiler alert: it's not ringworm).

Dr. G takes one look at me, says "I need to see your back" turns me around, takes a quick look and goes:

"Yep, you have Pityriasis Rosacea,"

"Say what?"

"Pityriasis Rosacea. That mark on your back there is the herald mark. It's a rash you get once in your lifetime, usually lasts 4-6 weeks, and that mark precedes it."

"So you're saying it's going to get worse."

"Yes. It will be everywhere except your face, your hands, and the soles of your feet. And it will itch a lot. But don't scratch it."

"Okay. Why did I get it?"

"It's usually caused by periods of extreme stress or massive changes in the weather. Are you under high stress?"

"No."

"Then it's weather."

"Okay so my room is sort of not insulated..." (This is true. I live in the studio room, which lacks insulation, and as of yesterday had a leak).

"Yep that's not helping. It's the rain. As soon as it's sunny again you'll start feeling better. The UV will help."

"So can I go tanning?"

"No."

"Oh, why? Will that make it worse?"

"No. You'll get cancer."

"Oh."

"I'll prescribe you some medicine to help the itchiness. But it's going to last for about a month. It's like the Chicken Pox but not contagious."

Awesome. Just awesome.

On a side note, I did some research. Apparently UV light can help. Don't tell Dr. G but I'm going tanning. I mean, this shit is freaky. And my herald mark is in the exact spot equivalent of a tramp stamp. I could probably get some good cash busking on the streets of the Jersey Shore.

Now I'm going to douse myself in calamine lotion and alternate between crying and laughing at the sweet sweet irony of it all.

I disagree with you Entertainment Weekly

And that, in my book, is like disagreeing with God. But in commenting on the news that The Weather Channel will be airing movies soon, EW says "Hail no." I say "HAIL YES!" Not only do I enjoy a good pun, but I enjoy movies about weather. I recall seeing Twister six times. (Yes, that was the number 6). And I loved The Perfect Storm (well, the book moreso than the movie but you know). Anyway, I say, good for you Weather Channel. Maybe no one cares about the weather any more (it's all heatin' up thanks to that global warming crap, anyway, right?) but they still care if George Clooney's gonna make it alive on that fishing boat.

Oh no.

So they turn off the air conditioning in my new office building after 6pm. I can't confirm that, but it is surely what it feels like, and that is not good for my temperature issues, LET ME TELL YOU.

Also not good is that these LA fires are really persistent, man. Like it's just hot and smokey alllllll the time. LA is not supposed to be like this! I was on the phone with my dad earlier who informed me he was at a Seadogs game last night (the Portland Seadog's are Maine's great minor league baseball team... or it might called farm team... I'm no expert) and it was really cold out. I WANT THAT. Those beautiful late summer nights in New England when it couldn't be more perfectly crisp? But nope, here I am in smokey, smoggy LA where it's hot as balls.

Enough complaining. Time to get PSYCHED about LA because guess what? (What!) My brother is moving to LA. TONIGHT. In fact, I am picking him up from the airport in about 20 minutes. Yeah that's right, this city is about to become overridden with STAMOS. Actually I am the ONLY STAMOS, but he's pretty similar to me. Even better, Joshie is moving to an apartment a block away! Even worse? My arch nemesis moves with him. Who, you might be wondering, is my arch nemesis? His cat, Geneva, known by 'Neva to many. Yes, Neva and I go way back to the days when she was a cute average sized kitten. But now she's overweight and has dandruff.

I hope that not only will my brother's move to LA inspire me to learn how to surf (aka he will teach me), but perhaps I will repair my relationship with Neva. Maybe I'll even get to post some cat videos of her. OOOOH see that is how we will become friends! I will exploit her feline ways for YouTube infamy!

Thank You For Ruining One of My Favorite Childhood Books

Growing up, the children's book Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs was one of my very favorite stories. I have found memories of both my parents reading aloud the story of a strange town where food was delivered via weather patterns.

As it happens with many books, this one has been adapted to a movie. I was so excited to see the trailer and then, this:



If you can't see the clip in full, watch here.

Now, those who haven't read the book might think this still looks entertaining. Sure. Why not. However--this whole bit about an inventor? Completely NOT faithful to the original story that was so convincing in whimsy and idea that my imagination spun at the possibility of such a creative concept. Some of my favorite images from the story were the restaurants that lacked roofs, or the sailboats made of bread. While some of those images seem to have been recreated, overall this new plot line that the food-weather is man-made is upsetting. Will I see it anyway? Probably. But the book will forever hold a special place in my heart.

Free Association

It’s Wednesday. Of course it’s raining today. The weather the past few days has been very odd. Crazy hot and sunny this weekend, dreary on Monday, sunny again Tuesday, torrential downpour Wednesday. I’m curious to see what Mother Nature has in store the rest of the week. Who knew LA weather could be so interesting. Isn't it? Aren't you fascinated by my weather reports? I sure am.

Speaking of interesting, last night Adam and I went to tennis at a new night and time because we’d finally had enough of our poor excuse for an instructor and delinquent classmates. Honestly, it was as though we were in an outreach program at the local playground where people happened to be swinging rackets around. We thought we were the best in the class, and that we were really improving. That is, until, we joined this other class with a competent instructor and realized that for the past 6 weeks we really had been in an outreach program. We learned more in the first 10 minutes than in all previous classes with Captain Shitty Coach Who Loves Innuendo. Of course this class was made up of 4 other women, all in their late 20s (I’d guess), except for one highly Type A competitive bitch, who we decided was 38, single, and although she was similar to one of the Plastics of Mean Girls, she was really just a huge tool (Adam and I might be more like the Plastics of Mean Girls, in retrospect). At one point I saw her shooting me dagger eyes while I was practicing serving and I turned around to face her and she spluttered out “that was a good serve” in her least convincing/most-machine like voice. It was uncomfortable. Final decision? It’s private lessons from here on out.

And in other news, if you haven't already noticed, I figured out how to get my Twitter feed on the blog (look to the right). Very exciting. For you. Obviously. What does this mean? This means that in addition to daily posts you now can come back here for regular updates in 140 characters or less! I still recommend getting on Twitter (and trust me, once you are there you will soon get addicted), but now it's a little microblog on the blog. GOD IS ANYONE AS OBSSESED WITH ME AS I SEEM TO BE? Seriously I could use a good slap in the face right now.

Speaking of face, mine is starting to peel a little bit. I'd forgotten how much I love being tan. I know that sounds shocking, considering I often contemplate my battle with tanorexia, but in the winter I let myself go.

And with that I am going to go... I've been dreaming up this whole opinion piece (because I never write my opinion) on the case for Twitter, but I feel like I've already beaten that one to death, so I'll spare you that, for now.

Speaking of beating to death, the roommates and I are still getting many a laugh out of the story of the woman who's pet chimp went AWOL and tore off her friend's face, prompting her to tell the police "shoot on sight" and that when she stabbed her beloved pet it was though he looked up at her saying, "why Mommy!"

Oh and speaking of the roommates we are getting our nasty carpet cleaned today. I'll believe it when I see it.

Musings on a Friday Morning

Skiing may be off tomorrow, but we'll substitute it with some tennis? The weather here is a bit frustrating--it's raining here but apparently there's nothing happening in the mountains, not even snow-making. I'm not going to go blow some money on a pointless ski day. Ugh I wish Mammoth were closer to LA.

I am suddenly really interested in the show Bones. I always hear good things about it, and the few clips I've watched (including, embarassingly, some YouTube compilations highlighting the romantic tension between the two main leads) make it seem like my kind of show. But honestly, who has time to pick up a new show and catch up, especially four seasons in? Especially when that person has big plans to do lots of important and life-changing writing.

The freak summer weather is gone and it's winter again with gray skies, spurts of rain showers and temperatures in the.... 60s. Okay, still not REAL winter here, but colder than it has been. Maybe that's better, as I've been behaving like I'm on summer vacation since I got back to LA after the holidays.

I have a whole bunch of new life plans. It started after yet another existential crisis, but now these plans seem to be just the trick... essentially I would leave LA in late Fall (another cross country road trip, but this time I am bloggin it!) be home for the holidays and take off for my next destination Winter 2010. And what is this new future home away from home? At the moment I am hoping to move somewhere in Europe, preferably London, Geneva or Paris. If I can't get a job that appeals, I am considering taking a year, packing a backpack with a few belongings, getting a nice camera, and moving to Costa Rica (or somewhere else in Central or South America) where I am going to live, write, observe, and adventure. I'm also considering the Peace Corps... anyone have any suggestions/leads?

The Circle of Life - or in this case, Planet Earth

Sunday began with Planet Earth and ended with Planet Earth. I am of course referring to my favorite BBC/Discovery television program that I watch compulsively when I have nothing better to do, but let me back track for a moment.

It was another magical LA weekend. More magical than most, thanks again to perfect weather conditions--I mean, I even went swimming in the ocean on Saturday. Yes, on January 17 I went swimming. It was lovely. There are a few noteworthy moments to recap but I need to really focus this piece on what I might consider the most epic of Sunday Fundays I've ever known.

Sunday morning we ladies of 225 Montana woke up a wee bit hungover, and gravitated to our living room to watch my favorite episode of Planet Earth, "Fresh Water". (GIANT SALAMANDERS!) While watching all the fishies and interesting water creatures it hit me--I want to go to the AQUARIUM! But first, does LA even have an aquarium? WELL FOLKS, it does. The Aquarium of the Pacific is located just south of LA, in Long Beach. All we needed were some willing companions to join our fish tale.

In the end, it was DiTonto, Adam, and myself headed south listening to the road trip-ready tunes of Manu Chao, arriving in the very Disney-like Long Beach harbor sometime around 2 pm. We just missed a Whale Watching tour, which was a bummer because who doesn't love whales or the prospect of WATCHING them IN REAL LIFE. And it was in the 80s outside, so we thought a boat ride would be a lovely way to spend the afternoon before we logged some hours with some fishies. But we figured it just wasn't meant to be and seeing as the aquarium was the main attraction, let's get on with it.

Fun fact: They serve beer in aquariums. (I bet you can guess how this day ended up).

The aquarium was AWESOME. First of all, as I have mentioned before, I love aquariums--truly, I do. If a guy were ever to propose to me, I think an aquarium would be a lovely place to do so. (So just tell my future-fiance to read this before proposing marriage). This aquarium had some lovely features, like the tanks where you could touch sharks and skates and sting rays, but to do so there was a strict TWO-FINGER rule, which conveniently provided us a lot of inappropriate opportunities for many "that's what she said" jokes. Obviously, we're not very child-friendly. I think a few parents were shooting us dirty looks, what with the beer and the swearing and the juvenile behavior.



Another highlight of the aquarium (AND I BET YOU THOUGHT IT COULDN'T GET ANY BETTER!) was the 3D movie MONSTERS OF THE ABYSS where upon we journeyed to the deep unknown trenches of the ocean to observe some very unusual fishies (HEY DID YOU SEE THAT GIANT SQUID!). I was a little disappointed we only bought one 3D movie pass and not the combo ticket but WHAT CAN YOU DO.

We are total suckers because we bought two copies of a hilarious photo of us entering the aquarium, one in which they (they = aquarium people) digitally inserted FISHIES! As in we are HOLDING THEM! I am jealous of DiTonto though because she's holding a Nemo-lookalike and I am just holding onto some crappy starfish (side note: when I sea kayaked the coast of Maine one summer I put a giant starfish onto my face because I wanted to prove to everyone I was both hilarious AND a daredevil, so a fake starfish is SMALL POTATOES for me). Adam was pleased because he was holding a turtle and we had all discussed earlier in the day that we think turtles would make lovely pets and I would like to get two and name them Manu and Chao or maybe just one and call him Consuelo.

ANYWAY we had BIG PLANS to end the evening at THE OLIVE GARDEN (classy!) but as we were aimlessly wandering around the harbor an odd looking young lad in a giant sombrero approached us and asked if we'd like to join him and his friends on a sunset cruise?

WOULD WE? WE SURE WOULD!

About five minutes later this young lad, Sailor Taylor, had fallen in love with DiTonto and was calling her his future ex-wife. All aboard Captain John's boat, and fortunately they'd recruited some other normal women so in all there was the three of us, the two other ladies, Captain John, Sailor Taylor, Darryl, some dude wearing an NRA hat (he loved freedom but was SCARY) and George, a Native American dude who was on something, but had a biting sense of humor.

We left the harbor as the sun had already gone down so it turned into more of a nighttime cruise. By nighttime cruise I mean drunken boat party that was probably dangerous. BUT AMAZING. Disco ball, tiki torches, Christmas lights, and great jams.

And what do you know, but much like a minister or any Justice of the Peace, both Sailor Taylor and Captain John, being legal boat captains, can marry people. Well as we were dancing to Manu Chao (because I obv took over as DJ) we decided how perfect! DiTonto and Sailor Taylor (who may or may not actually be her soulmate) should get married. And then Captain John, with two bottles of booze tucked into his swim trunks, and a sword in his hand (I was confused if it was a wedding or if someone was being knighted) and the wedding party consisting of Adam and I as maids of honor and the two other chicks as bridesmaids, and to the sweet tunes of the Talking Heads, watched as Ashleigh and Taylor were married.

Adam and I were concerned. Mostly for our safety, especially because at one point no one was steering the boat, and we wondered and if we were going to make it back to the harbor, but also because was this a real wedding? Well she didn't sign anything so the answer is NO... we think....

Anyway, then Taylor married Captain John and one of the other chicks and then it was happiness and jubilee, a quick sail-by of the Queen Mary, some photos on the bow, some waves, the NRA dude passed out, we switched to reggae, and then we were back in the marina.

THEN, I went for a nice kayak around the marina with Captain John and the other chicks and returned about a half hour later to learn that not only had Adam and DiTonto been given a tour of one of Darryl's big pimpin' boats, but that Taylor had invited her to dinner with his parents, aunt and uncle and grandparents.

No, none of this is a lie or exaggeration, I PROMISE.

Why the family gathering? Well, Taylor had turned 25 the night before and it was pre-planned, but now the lucky guy got to introduce his family to his new wife.

So Adam and I went for dinner (dinner = drinks) at a different restaurant and then met up with the newlyweds for... THE RECEPTION! At a karaoke bar. And I, former DJ, now wedding singer, serenaded them with some classics like "La Isla Bonita" by Madonna, as well as Billy Joel's "Only the Good Die Young."

And then, after we realized this karaoke bar was also some sort of mafia hang out and we were way in over our heads, we slipped away (but not before Taylor's mom, DiTonto's mother-in-law, invited both she and I for Christmas!) and Adam safely drove us back to Santa Monica, with a quick stop at one of our favorite bars in Venice, then back home, where we decided to end our day with...

Planet Earth. "Shallow Seas"--another good episode.

LA Story

So I am finishing up the final training sessions with my trainer over the next month. Going to attempt to do it own my own (maybe pilates classes? more yoga? more running?) for a bit after that. However, until then, it's still early morning workouts for me. This morning, however I was SO not into it. I showed up at the gym, my eyes half open, unable to discern left from right, much less remember my own name. At one point I just turned to my trainer and asked, "do you just want to go for a run?" It turned out to be the best idea ever and we went for a 50 minute run on the beach, past the Santa Monica Pier and well into Venice. It was beautiful. So what it comes down to I think, is that I am really just paying someone else for the commitment to get up a little earlier in the morning. Totally worth it though. Especially on a clear Southern California day, because just after sunrise the beach is stunning.

I can't deny that the weather here makes for a fabulous lifestyle. Even though I am amidst another serious work-related existential crisis (WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE!?!) thank God for the beautiful weather and scenery--it helps to provide a perfect peace of mind.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles (Well, just trains actually)

This very moment I am blogging LIVE from the Downeastern Rail. Yes folks, I am on the train to Boston. FROM PORTLAND!

Now for all you non-Mainers reading, this might not sound like anything of interest, but for those of us locals, we know that not only is the train to Boston a recent amenity, but a less frequently used one. So why my sudden change from the beloved bus to the train?

Snow.

Yes, friends, as I had hoped for, it's snowing (of course the weather gods finally listen to me the day I leave. THANKS A LOT). Snow means delays in bus times and significant increases in traffic. And I've got some SERIOUS NEW YEARS EVE PLANS to get to in the great city, resident home of my beloved Celtics, Red Sox, and just about all my closest friends from growing up in Maine. The Bean.

I wish I could take credit for this clever, weather-dodging idea, but alas, it was while I was standing in line for a bus ticket that some chill dude chatted up my brother and recommend I hop on the train--for just $3 more I could be in Boston with no weather delays--best part (for me), WIFI! Hook, line, and sinker.

I absolutely love travelling by train. It's one of the number one things I miss about Europe. When I lived in Switzerland it was how I traveled to and from school everyday, taking a 13 minute train from Nyon into Geneva and back. An entertaining moment would be regular announcements for the various stops, all of which were in three languages (because those Swiss are pretty much 900x smarter than everyone else) and every day upon approaching the city I would hear,

"Prochain arrêt, Genève
Nächster Halt, Genf.
Next stop, Geneva."

I wish I could do all the accents for each language announcement--the German one is hilarious because of how Genf was said, and the English was spoken with a flighty British accent.

When I was living in Paris, I stayed a month after I was done with school and traveled around with a Eurail pass for 5 weeks, mostly by myself, backpacking in France, Switzerland, and Italy. Man I would kill to go back to those easy days again. Traveling solo is the most liberating experience--especially when you have no rigid agenda, and only an interest to see the world. I used to spend hours on train rides writing--it's truly the most productive passive travel, I think, and a great way to see a beautiful landscape.

Speaking of seeing, it looks beautiful outside with this snow. Maybe I'll get lost in a daydream and stare at the window for a while.

Happy New Year!