Happy Holidays from Jaw Wired Shut!

Happy Holidays everyone!

I'm about to leave for a vacation that includes a few days in New York City followed by a week in Peru. I'm back in LA the night of January 4th (cough mybirthday cough) and I'd say there's a 75% chance I don't write on this here blog once that entire time.

However, you can bet your asses I'll be on Twitter - so follow me, if you aren't already, which is unlikely, but I feel as though that should be mentioned. And if you're spending a lot of your time thinking, "God I wish Annie Stamell was blogging right now" then I would say this: (1) Dad get away from the computer (2) call your therapist or (3) I've been writing this since like, 2007, and I used to write about a lot of weird shit so just, like, read old posts or something.

But yeah - The Twitter. I'll be there. I might even be tweeting from Peru... but hopefully not - I'm really trying to get a nice break from technology this vacation. I'm even leaving my computer at home! [Insert gasp to express shock here].

So until my triumphant return, thanks so much for visiting! To all the people who've taken the time this year to check out my blog for some reason or another, I think it's just swell. Some of you came because you thought I offered legitimate advice about maxillofacial surgery. Others because you want to talk TV. Others because you thought this was Ann Coulter's blog.  Others because you can't turn away from the crazy. Others because you thought this was John Stamos' blog. Others because you're my Dad, and I make you.

No matter what the reason, I'm glad you found me! Thanks for visiting, and I hope you'll keep reading Jaw Wired Shut in the New Year (even you, Ann Coulter fans).

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!
Love,
Annie

The Airport Adventure of a Lifetime!

So last night I left Los Angeles on that red eye headed back to Maine. For lack of travel companions and really, anything better to do, I spontaneously decided to "live-tweet" the majority of my travel experience. Here it is in its gloriously annoying chronological entirety, from airport arrival to the security checkpoint, to the Hudson News, to the plane, to my layover, and all the way to Maine - my Airport Adventure of a Lifetime!

I think Sam Axe would approve of my travel clothes, don't you? http://twitpic.com/2k4uvm

Airport Security Check vs. The Jolly Rancher. It's a race against time!

I'm about to take a massive tweet dump. #gross

Dear Air Tran, thanks for calling me 5 times to warn me about a gate change but not telling me about the 40 min flight delay. #WTFisAirTran

That was fast. Airport Security Check: 1 Stamos: 0 #thejollyrancher

I'm offended that no one else in line has acknowledged my Chuck Finley t-shirt. Apparently you all have horrible taste in television.

Remember that time that lady called me a cultural fascist for hating Private Practice? That was awesome.

Omg thank GOD I found the Nicholas Sparks section: http://twitpic.com/2k5cau #gross

Tucker Max - for your sake, I hope they don't serve beer in hell.

I'm wearing jeggings. #gross

Airports: the one place it's socially acceptable to drink alone. #beerme

I lost my license and have developed the terrible habit of flashing my passport as though it were a police badge.

I just realized I should probably head over to the direction of my gate. At some point. #thejollyrancher

Ever worry you're gonna take an Adderall when you mean to take a Xanax? #whitegirlproblems

They should really just rename Air Tran to Budget. Just Budget.

I just dominated See's Candies. It's the Airport Trip of a Lifetime!

Licorice, Peach, Buttered Popcorn and a whole lot of Sizzling Cinnamon: http://twitpic.com/2k5p28 #jellybelly

Air Tran is the Fung Wah of airlines.

I don't want this airport adventure to end! It's like I'm playing Tom Hanks in my own Tom Hanks movie.

Going to the airplane bathroom - excuse me, lavatory - is miserable.

No seriously, what IS Air Tran?

Spotted - baby who will potentially cry at 6 o'clock.

That's right Mr. Flight Attendant. You get me that non-bottled water.

Of all the drugs I'm prescribed I'd have to say Xanax has the worst chemical aftertaste. #whitegirlproblems

This will be the best flight ever, by default. There's no one sitting next to me.

Sir, you will have to pry this mobile device from my cold dead hands if you want me to power off. 

Woke up to creepy dude two seats over patting my back. Never again, Air Tran.


First thing I spot on layover in Baltimore: http://twitpic.com/2k7ndw #sillybands #Imbaaaaack

MAINE! (Thus ends tweet dump. Going off the grid. Thanks for playing)

Sioux City? Hell Yeah.

My next vacation destination? Shit, this video makes me want to rock my face off in Sioux City!

Introducing, for the first time ever, A REAL VACATION

Hello friends, loyal readers, family members, and whoever it is that searched "can I smoke a cigarette with my jaw wired shut" (no you cannot, and what are you doing smoking in the first place? It's so passé); I have an announcement:

I am going on vacation. Yes, a REAL vacation; I am not bringing my computer with me.

Please, pick up your suddenly dropped jaw up off the floor and pretend to not be so surprised! It is true--for the next 10 days I shall be computer free.*

What a momentous occasion this is! I am not only going to be computer free, but temporarily JOB FREE. (Is this what it was like during the Neolithic Age or something? Shall I become a hunter and gatherer? The nomadic life would suit me well, I think it would!). Yes, I am going to be completely unhinged, detached and enjoying every second of it. There will be dancing, and swimming, and sailing, and kayaking, and running, and tennis, and laughter OH THE LAUGHTER!

I anticipate that I will experience slight withdrawal, almost at once, however I will have a six hour plane ride to New York to prepare** and then I will be swept away from one activity to the next, from the city to Rye for a wedding, back to the city briefly and then off to Maine--the true one and only love of my life. Computer shumputer. I don't need that nonsense! I'm bringing four books! And a journal! I am going to love it!***

*I will have my iPhone as well as access to my dad's laptop and probably my step-mom's too. So maybe I am exaggerating. So maybe I am not completely without computer access. But this is HUGE for me, am I right or am I right?
**By prepare, I mean take a Xanax and pass out.
***Within three hours I will be freaking out and will take more Xanax.

Monday Night (A Two Part Tale)

Prologue
Brace yourself readers, you are in for one seriously long post but let me preface it with a disclaimer: THIS IS A TRUE RETELLING OF MY ENTIRE MONDAY NIGHT, from which I hope you will find joy and humor, and maybe a little personal reflection and probably you’ll get annoyed somewhere around the middle but then you'll get into the stuff about Mexico and you might just come out feeling victorious and refreshed.

Part 1.
On a scale of 1 to 7, Taco Bell is obviously a 7

So DiTonto is buying a new car. And DiTonto is... well... we’ll call it particular. Being the good friend I am (and because she dealt with my car trauma back in July) I went with her to some dealers last night to attempt to help. I say attempt because car shopping with Ashleigh is like taking an autistic child to the grocery store. That was incredibly offensive. I have no idea what it would be like taking autistic child to the grocery store. Let me try a new metaphor. Car shopping with Ashleigh is like taking an eight year old to the world’s largest toy store but the kid wants a fucking toy that HASN’T BEEN INVENTED YET.

Right now she drives a small, fire-engine red 2001 VW Bug. So you’d think naturally she’d want another small car, maybe even another bug because she LOVES HER CURRENT CAR SO MUCH. Oh no. NOT DITONTO. CERTAINLY NOT.

See, at some point on Sunday DiTonto decided to get THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF A BUG. She thought she wanted a pick-up truck but then when we actually looked at them yesterday she didn’t like any of the ones that didn’t have power locks or windows. But then any of the trucks with automatic amenities were too large or expensive or white was an unacceptable color for the truck. And apparently she is over the VWs. So then we drove by Honda and I suggested a Fit, but NO NO NO, not for DiTonto.

Then we went to the giant Ford & Jeep dealership in Santa Monica to support our love for America and Freedom and this is when DiTonto fell in love with a Jeep Wrangler Rubicon. A big honker that is army green with a massive spoiler on the front and crazy looking headlights to hunt Mexicans with. That was incredibly offensive. Let me rephrase. A big honker that is army green with a massive spoiler on the front and crazy looking headlights to hunt... to hunt... to hunt Mexicans with. I CAN’T HELP IT! (sorry I am just being extra non-PC today but also because the universe is shitting on Mexico right now and so I feel like maybe I can too? Just today? No? How many people of Mexican lineage have I offended at this point? Would it help to know that as a child I went to summer camp in Mexico and actually have a deep love and respect for the country? Still no? What was that? Something about SWINE FLU? DON’T WORRY I’LL GET TO THAT IN PART 2!)

Anyway, after all the test driving we needed some sustenance so naturally we went to Taco Bell. (See, DiTonto introduced me to Taco Bell and I introduced her to certain illicit substances I’d rather not spell out here on the blog BUT YOU GET THE IDEA I MEAN WE WERE AT COACHELLA TWO WEEKS AGO AND YOU KNOW I AM LIBERAL AND WENT TO SCHOOL IN VERMONT SO TAKE A GUESS, but really the point of this is that we both brought things that do harm to your body into each others’ lives so it’s ALL OKAY! WE'RE EVEN.)

We both ordered Crunchwrap Supremes (I order that because I don’t know what I am supposed to get at Taco Bell and just get what DiTonto tells me to. I'm very free-thinking), and Ashleigh also got a burrito because her eyes tend to be larger than her stomach and then when we pulled up to the window to pay and get our food, the nice Taco Bell employee handed me a receipt and pointed out that on the back of said receipt there was a place to rate their service. I handed the receipt to DiTonto, thinking very little of this exchange, when she said to me,

“Wait, they want me to rate their service?”

Yes.

“Well they’re a fucking 7, GIVE ME A PEN!”

And then she circled 7, as evidenced by the photo of the receipt below. However, once DiTonto learned that she would have to call a number to win any money after rating the Taco Bell service she lost interest. (In addition to being particular, sometimes DiTonto is... lazy).



Then we got home and ate our Taco Bell at the kitchen table but I almost fell out of the chair a few times because when Annie bought the furniture from Ikea she didn’t follow ALL the directions (you could say). And then DiTonto almost MURDERED Annie’s fish (not like it hasn’t happened before DITONTO) when she shook the table after two drastic movements and poor Snoopy/Blue (Annie calls him Snoopy, DiTonto calls him Blue, I haven’t decided what I like to call him but I am sure it will come to me) sloshed all over the place. He’s okay though.

Part 2.
Regarding Swine Flu – I would voluntarily quarantine myself

Annie and I are quite similar when it comes to some of our interests. Okay that was an awkward first sentence but I sometimes wonder if people get confused when I write about Annie so I am going to take this moment to remind you that Annie is my other roommate who shares my name, who we also call Adubs because DiTonto gets annoyed when she yells out “Annie!” and we both respond and so she calls me Stamos and the other Annie Adubs and moving on to the relevant part of the story...

Adubs, like me, often becomes fascinated with scientific phenomena. Maybe not quite to the extent I do, but she definitely is a fountain of knowledge in some very random areas. She also gets into PASSIONATE diatribes about various topics, one of her favorites being that of MASS PANDEMICS. This obviously is something I find interesting and count pandemic-related literature and entertainment to be among my favorite subject material (see, I Am Legend or The Cobra Event by Richard Preston). Anyway, just this past weekend, before Swine Flu became all the rage, Adubs and I were randomly having a conversation all about looking at disease and epidemics like AIDS, cancer, etc. as actually just forms of population control (on a side note, can someone explain to me the difference between an epidemic and a pandemic? THANKS IN ADVANCE!) and Adubs made the point that there tends to be a mass plague that wipes out a significant portion of the human population every 80 to 100 years and we are right in that timeline now, but then this led to a discussion about modern medicine and we pondered the likelihood of the reality of another pandemic taking place in modern times, and then Adubs shared some useful tips about surviving pandemics (Tip: don’t panic. Also, don’t head to the countryside—cities have the infrastructure to support more sick people) and at this point you are probably thinking, Oh this is what happens when you get two people from Middlebury in a room together. Sure.

So anyway, have I talked about Annie’s mom before? Annie’s mom is Linda and she is a CHARACTER and she visits A LOT which is fun because Linda is entertaining. In fact DiTonto remarked last night she was so used to seeing Linda at our apartment that sometimes she doesn’t even notice. Oh and Linda loves American Idol. Many an occasion have I come home to find Linda watching American Idol on the sofa. It’s kind of comforting.

So last night after the car driving and the Taco Bell eating and the near death of Snoopy/Blue/Undetermined Nickname we hung out a little bit with Linda who wanted to show everyone Adam’s performance on American Idol last week (I think Adam is the gay one? Again, I really don’t watch the show but I am pretty sure he’s not the Indian one because that dude’s name is Anoop and I feel like I read somewhere he got kicked off but seeing as I vehemently despise American Idol and only watch it if it’s playing in the background, so really any time when Linda is in town, so I could be making these things up). The other thing Linda likes to watch just as much as American Idol is CNN, so I then went back into the living room for the Swine Flu coverage (I had to leave during AI to read one of my sci-fi blogs on my Google reader) and let me tell you: SWINE FLU IS SO HOT RIGHT NOW.

As a trend forecaster (I KNOW! THAT’S REALLY WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING! ME!) let me tell you that Swine Flu is definitely both a trend and potentially a mass pandemic of devastatingly destructive proportions. And because I am odd and a little bit twisted, I think Swine Flu is FASCINATING and I am somewhat excited to see how this all pans out. And those doctors that CNN gets to comment on such BREAKING NEWS STORIES are pretty hilarious. Especially this one dude with crazy hair who gave a book plug during a VERY SERIOUS AND INTENSE SWINE FLU DISCUSSION with Larry King. Also, did you know that the mortality rate of the Spanish Influenza back in 1918 was %2.5 and Swine Flu in Mexico is already at %6?

Which brings me to my next point: HOLY CRAP THE UNIVERSE IS SHITTING ON MEXICO! First all that drama with drug cartels, then Spencer & Heidi from The Hills go on their Goddamn honeymoon in Cabo (I just vomited in my mouth a little bit), and NOW ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE DYING OF SWINE FLU. Oh and there appear to be a lot of idiots in the United States because the Twitter questions pouring in during the Larry King coverage last night was straight out of an SNL skit about stupid people. For example: “Are swine flu and the recent drug violence in Mexico related?” YES YOU STUPID TWITTER USER. SEE, BECAUSE THE MEXICANS DID DRUGS AND SOLD THEM AND THEN KIDNAPPED SOME PEOPLE AND KILLED SOME COPS, THE GOOD BABY JESUS PUNISHED THEM WITH A DISEASE THAT HAS A NAME BASED ON A PIG. A FUCKING PIG. BUT IT’S NOT EVEN PIG FLU. IT’S SWINE FLU.

I’d also like to throw it out there that if I start showing ANY SYMPTOMS that I would be more than happy to voluntarily quarantine myself.

So Linda went to bed about halfway through the Swine Flu coverage, leaving the rest of us to ponder our futures. Annie wants to just be really prepared, so last night she discussed getting more water, maybe some masks, that sort of thing (this plan for preventative measures fits nicely with my fear-of-Earthquakes issue). And DiTonto got really freaked out but then decided things would be happier if she went back to researching the Jeep Wrangler Rubicon online (please note she’s already nicknamed the car Ruby) whereas I was suddenly feeling inspired to watch THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN. I really wanted to watch Outbreak or read some book about pandemics but I had a screener of the A&E miniseries that I stole from my boss at my last job (I have a great work ethic!) and never watched and thought, why not! Turns out this miniseries has a little bit more bioterrorism and conspiracy theorizing than I would prefer (MORE SCIENCE! LESS PARANOIA!) but it scratched the itch.

But then, right before I went to bed I had an overwhelming urge to text my Dad and tell him I love him because this Swine Flu business is kind of freaking me out, I will admit. He responded early this morning, with a text message that said “Just don’t go to Mexico. Xoxo.”

See? Everyone is shitting on Mexico right now.

Musings on a Friday Morning

Skiing may be off tomorrow, but we'll substitute it with some tennis? The weather here is a bit frustrating--it's raining here but apparently there's nothing happening in the mountains, not even snow-making. I'm not going to go blow some money on a pointless ski day. Ugh I wish Mammoth were closer to LA.

I am suddenly really interested in the show Bones. I always hear good things about it, and the few clips I've watched (including, embarassingly, some YouTube compilations highlighting the romantic tension between the two main leads) make it seem like my kind of show. But honestly, who has time to pick up a new show and catch up, especially four seasons in? Especially when that person has big plans to do lots of important and life-changing writing.

The freak summer weather is gone and it's winter again with gray skies, spurts of rain showers and temperatures in the.... 60s. Okay, still not REAL winter here, but colder than it has been. Maybe that's better, as I've been behaving like I'm on summer vacation since I got back to LA after the holidays.

I have a whole bunch of new life plans. It started after yet another existential crisis, but now these plans seem to be just the trick... essentially I would leave LA in late Fall (another cross country road trip, but this time I am bloggin it!) be home for the holidays and take off for my next destination Winter 2010. And what is this new future home away from home? At the moment I am hoping to move somewhere in Europe, preferably London, Geneva or Paris. If I can't get a job that appeals, I am considering taking a year, packing a backpack with a few belongings, getting a nice camera, and moving to Costa Rica (or somewhere else in Central or South America) where I am going to live, write, observe, and adventure. I'm also considering the Peace Corps... anyone have any suggestions/leads?

Celebration, Panic, Celebration

I am a lucky asshole.

Seriously.

So, as noted in my airport post yesterday, I spent most of my 25th birthday traveling. While on the 6 hour flight to LA I read a lot in a new book (YA Fantasy, obv) and watched several episodes of 30 Rock before my computer died. Upon arrival, I was so excited to be back in LA I packed up my various carry-ons quite quickly, booked it to the baggage claim, and met DiTonto outside, who had decked out my car in some serious birthday decorations and was blasting Manu Chao—a great welcome home/birthday surprise. (And thank God she brought my car because my 60+ lb. bag would not have fit in her VW Bug). We went straight to one of our fave dinner joints: Panera (so classy) where I got a lot of Happy Birthdays and perplexed expressions when people realized we were, in fact, serious, and yes, in fact, celebrating a 25th birthday dinner at Panera of all places.

While Ash and I were catching up we both commented on visiting friends back East and how everyone else’s apartments seemed to be a lot more “adult” or together than ours is. Then we ran over a giant palm frond, and then in the middle of the road pulled over and I got underneath the car and yanked it out, and we then decided we would bring it to our apartment (and we wonder why our place looks like a cross between a deserted beach shack and a fraternity house).

Back at home we played some video games for a little bit and then, feeling the tug of our messed up time cycles, DiTonto went to bed and I decided I would unpack a little bit and get some sleep myself.

Or so I thought.

I walked into my room and started to go through my stuff, admiring my new shoes, wondering how I left the most random things at home in New York when all of a sudden I realized, with certainty, something, very, very bad.

I left my computer on the airplane.

Yes, I, girl with a computer tethered to her arm, left my beloved machine and keeper of all I hold dear under the seat in front of me on the Goddamn airplane.

Panic ensued. As did feelings of nausea, hyperventilation, as well as a game plan as to how I was going to finance my new MacBook Pro that I would surely have to buy—all without telling my dad for at least a month. Trying to act rationally, I told myself it would be okay because I have most all of my files backed up on an external hard drive I keep at home.

I spent about 45 minutes on the phone with various people at Continental, attempting to discern whether or not my plane had already left LAX, where it was headed to next, and if anyone had discovered a computer on board and was good Samaritan enough to turn it in.

In what felt like a race against time, around 10:45 pm I booked it to the airport, employing techniques from the 20 minutes I once watched of The Secret, reciting, “I will get back this computer. My computer will be returned to me” over and over again, begging with the Universe to cut me some slack—it’s my birthday!

Well, I guess begging the Universe/God for kindness/to return computer works because when I pulled into short-term parking, ran as fast as I could to the Continental desk at the terminal, a nice woman there made a few calls, and twenty minutes later my computer was back in my hands, and I no longer felt a strong urge to vomit.

Like I said, I am a lucky asshole.

Happy 25?

I'm celebrating my 25th birthday today by watching the Ravens beat the Dolphins in the Newark airport. Yep, I am not even flying out of JFK or LGA to head home.

Well, at least I am not miserably hungover, which has been my birthday-flight routine of years past.

Oh and per the $50 charge I had to pay for my overweight bag, I seem to be bringing back an additional 15 ponds of stuff. It's mostly shoes, I think.