Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Monday Night (A Two Part Tale)

Brace yourself readers, you are in for one seriously long post but let me preface it with a disclaimer: THIS IS A TRUE RETELLING OF MY ENTIRE MONDAY NIGHT, from which I hope you will find joy and humor, and maybe a little personal reflection and probably you’ll get annoyed somewhere around the middle but then you'll get into the stuff about Mexico and you might just come out feeling victorious and refreshed.

Part 1.
On a scale of 1 to 7, Taco Bell is obviously a 7

So DiTonto is buying a new car. And DiTonto is... well... we’ll call it particular. Being the good friend I am (and because she dealt with my car trauma back in July) I went with her to some dealers last night to attempt to help. I say attempt because car shopping with Ashleigh is like taking an autistic child to the grocery store. That was incredibly offensive. I have no idea what it would be like taking autistic child to the grocery store. Let me try a new metaphor. Car shopping with Ashleigh is like taking an eight year old to the world’s largest toy store but the kid wants a fucking toy that HASN’T BEEN INVENTED YET.

Right now she drives a small, fire-engine red 2001 VW Bug. So you’d think naturally she’d want another small car, maybe even another bug because she LOVES HER CURRENT CAR SO MUCH. Oh no. NOT DITONTO. CERTAINLY NOT.

See, at some point on Sunday DiTonto decided to get THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF A BUG. She thought she wanted a pick-up truck but then when we actually looked at them yesterday she didn’t like any of the ones that didn’t have power locks or windows. But then any of the trucks with automatic amenities were too large or expensive or white was an unacceptable color for the truck. And apparently she is over the VWs. So then we drove by Honda and I suggested a Fit, but NO NO NO, not for DiTonto.

Then we went to the giant Ford & Jeep dealership in Santa Monica to support our love for America and Freedom and this is when DiTonto fell in love with a Jeep Wrangler Rubicon. A big honker that is army green with a massive spoiler on the front and crazy looking headlights to hunt Mexicans with. That was incredibly offensive. Let me rephrase. A big honker that is army green with a massive spoiler on the front and crazy looking headlights to hunt... to hunt... to hunt Mexicans with. I CAN’T HELP IT! (sorry I am just being extra non-PC today but also because the universe is shitting on Mexico right now and so I feel like maybe I can too? Just today? No? How many people of Mexican lineage have I offended at this point? Would it help to know that as a child I went to summer camp in Mexico and actually have a deep love and respect for the country? Still no? What was that? Something about SWINE FLU? DON’T WORRY I’LL GET TO THAT IN PART 2!)

Anyway, after all the test driving we needed some sustenance so naturally we went to Taco Bell. (See, DiTonto introduced me to Taco Bell and I introduced her to certain illicit substances I’d rather not spell out here on the blog BUT YOU GET THE IDEA I MEAN WE WERE AT COACHELLA TWO WEEKS AGO AND YOU KNOW I AM LIBERAL AND WENT TO SCHOOL IN VERMONT SO TAKE A GUESS, but really the point of this is that we both brought things that do harm to your body into each others’ lives so it’s ALL OKAY! WE'RE EVEN.)

We both ordered Crunchwrap Supremes (I order that because I don’t know what I am supposed to get at Taco Bell and just get what DiTonto tells me to. I'm very free-thinking), and Ashleigh also got a burrito because her eyes tend to be larger than her stomach and then when we pulled up to the window to pay and get our food, the nice Taco Bell employee handed me a receipt and pointed out that on the back of said receipt there was a place to rate their service. I handed the receipt to DiTonto, thinking very little of this exchange, when she said to me,

“Wait, they want me to rate their service?”


“Well they’re a fucking 7, GIVE ME A PEN!”

And then she circled 7, as evidenced by the photo of the receipt below. However, once DiTonto learned that she would have to call a number to win any money after rating the Taco Bell service she lost interest. (In addition to being particular, sometimes DiTonto is... lazy).

Then we got home and ate our Taco Bell at the kitchen table but I almost fell out of the chair a few times because when Annie bought the furniture from Ikea she didn’t follow ALL the directions (you could say). And then DiTonto almost MURDERED Annie’s fish (not like it hasn’t happened before DITONTO) when she shook the table after two drastic movements and poor Snoopy/Blue (Annie calls him Snoopy, DiTonto calls him Blue, I haven’t decided what I like to call him but I am sure it will come to me) sloshed all over the place. He’s okay though.

Part 2.
Regarding Swine Flu – I would voluntarily quarantine myself

Annie and I are quite similar when it comes to some of our interests. Okay that was an awkward first sentence but I sometimes wonder if people get confused when I write about Annie so I am going to take this moment to remind you that Annie is my other roommate who shares my name, who we also call Adubs because DiTonto gets annoyed when she yells out “Annie!” and we both respond and so she calls me Stamos and the other Annie Adubs and moving on to the relevant part of the story...

Adubs, like me, often becomes fascinated with scientific phenomena. Maybe not quite to the extent I do, but she definitely is a fountain of knowledge in some very random areas. She also gets into PASSIONATE diatribes about various topics, one of her favorites being that of MASS PANDEMICS. This obviously is something I find interesting and count pandemic-related literature and entertainment to be among my favorite subject material (see, I Am Legend or The Cobra Event by Richard Preston). Anyway, just this past weekend, before Swine Flu became all the rage, Adubs and I were randomly having a conversation all about looking at disease and epidemics like AIDS, cancer, etc. as actually just forms of population control (on a side note, can someone explain to me the difference between an epidemic and a pandemic? THANKS IN ADVANCE!) and Adubs made the point that there tends to be a mass plague that wipes out a significant portion of the human population every 80 to 100 years and we are right in that timeline now, but then this led to a discussion about modern medicine and we pondered the likelihood of the reality of another pandemic taking place in modern times, and then Adubs shared some useful tips about surviving pandemics (Tip: don’t panic. Also, don’t head to the countryside—cities have the infrastructure to support more sick people) and at this point you are probably thinking, Oh this is what happens when you get two people from Middlebury in a room together. Sure.

So anyway, have I talked about Annie’s mom before? Annie’s mom is Linda and she is a CHARACTER and she visits A LOT which is fun because Linda is entertaining. In fact DiTonto remarked last night she was so used to seeing Linda at our apartment that sometimes she doesn’t even notice. Oh and Linda loves American Idol. Many an occasion have I come home to find Linda watching American Idol on the sofa. It’s kind of comforting.

So last night after the car driving and the Taco Bell eating and the near death of Snoopy/Blue/Undetermined Nickname we hung out a little bit with Linda who wanted to show everyone Adam’s performance on American Idol last week (I think Adam is the gay one? Again, I really don’t watch the show but I am pretty sure he’s not the Indian one because that dude’s name is Anoop and I feel like I read somewhere he got kicked off but seeing as I vehemently despise American Idol and only watch it if it’s playing in the background, so really any time when Linda is in town, so I could be making these things up). The other thing Linda likes to watch just as much as American Idol is CNN, so I then went back into the living room for the Swine Flu coverage (I had to leave during AI to read one of my sci-fi blogs on my Google reader) and let me tell you: SWINE FLU IS SO HOT RIGHT NOW.

As a trend forecaster (I KNOW! THAT’S REALLY WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING! ME!) let me tell you that Swine Flu is definitely both a trend and potentially a mass pandemic of devastatingly destructive proportions. And because I am odd and a little bit twisted, I think Swine Flu is FASCINATING and I am somewhat excited to see how this all pans out. And those doctors that CNN gets to comment on such BREAKING NEWS STORIES are pretty hilarious. Especially this one dude with crazy hair who gave a book plug during a VERY SERIOUS AND INTENSE SWINE FLU DISCUSSION with Larry King. Also, did you know that the mortality rate of the Spanish Influenza back in 1918 was %2.5 and Swine Flu in Mexico is already at %6?

Which brings me to my next point: HOLY CRAP THE UNIVERSE IS SHITTING ON MEXICO! First all that drama with drug cartels, then Spencer & Heidi from The Hills go on their Goddamn honeymoon in Cabo (I just vomited in my mouth a little bit), and NOW ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE DYING OF SWINE FLU. Oh and there appear to be a lot of idiots in the United States because the Twitter questions pouring in during the Larry King coverage last night was straight out of an SNL skit about stupid people. For example: “Are swine flu and the recent drug violence in Mexico related?” YES YOU STUPID TWITTER USER. SEE, BECAUSE THE MEXICANS DID DRUGS AND SOLD THEM AND THEN KIDNAPPED SOME PEOPLE AND KILLED SOME COPS, THE GOOD BABY JESUS PUNISHED THEM WITH A DISEASE THAT HAS A NAME BASED ON A PIG. A FUCKING PIG. BUT IT’S NOT EVEN PIG FLU. IT’S SWINE FLU.

I’d also like to throw it out there that if I start showing ANY SYMPTOMS that I would be more than happy to voluntarily quarantine myself.

So Linda went to bed about halfway through the Swine Flu coverage, leaving the rest of us to ponder our futures. Annie wants to just be really prepared, so last night she discussed getting more water, maybe some masks, that sort of thing (this plan for preventative measures fits nicely with my fear-of-Earthquakes issue). And DiTonto got really freaked out but then decided things would be happier if she went back to researching the Jeep Wrangler Rubicon online (please note she’s already nicknamed the car Ruby) whereas I was suddenly feeling inspired to watch THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN. I really wanted to watch Outbreak or read some book about pandemics but I had a screener of the A&E miniseries that I stole from my boss at my last job (I have a great work ethic!) and never watched and thought, why not! Turns out this miniseries has a little bit more bioterrorism and conspiracy theorizing than I would prefer (MORE SCIENCE! LESS PARANOIA!) but it scratched the itch.

But then, right before I went to bed I had an overwhelming urge to text my Dad and tell him I love him because this Swine Flu business is kind of freaking me out, I will admit. He responded early this morning, with a text message that said “Just don’t go to Mexico. Xoxo.”

See? Everyone is shitting on Mexico right now.

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