One of the largest components of being an assistant in "the Biz" as they say (they being my grandparents and people who are very out of touch in the Midwest), is listening to phone calls.
What's that? You declare! You're still an assistant? I know, YOU GUYS, I know. I want to shake my head in pity too. But whatever, it's actually kind of the norm here and I do a LOT more than normal administrative stuff and I do all this social media stuff... and anyway before I go down the rabbit hole into that whammy of an existential crisis let's go back to the whole "listening-on-phone-calls" thing.
This morning I see that my boss is on a call (bosses: assistants don't like it when you place calls without them. See, we have very few areas of our professional lives we can control at this juncture, and dialing the goddamn phone is one of them) and I know it's about one of our shows and being the curious little lassie that I am (and knowing full well it's both accepted and expected that I listen to all calls, actually I probably should have been listening sooner...) I decide I will hop on the call to hear what's up.
Meanwhile: I'm eating breakfast. A Cliff bar, to be precise. (Blueberry Crisp - for those of you into gory details and energy bar porn and shit. Weirdos).
So I throw on my headset, pop in a chunk of my sad breakfast into my mouth and begin masticating the shit out of that Cliff bar. I mean - when you're eating a Cliff bar you need to chew the shit out of those things. Especially because the entire time you're convincing yourself that it's a good and normal breakfast and that yes you're totally going to feel full after eating!!!!! and to make you feel EVEN MORE FULL!!!!!! you just need to really chew the shit out of each and every bite you take!!!! YOU CAN DO IT! EMBRACE THE CLIFF BAR!!!!!
(So maybe I have some unresolved issues about Cliff bars... )
So Bossman and Networkman are talking. I'm chewing.
Now wait a minute and let's pause right there (I know what you're thinking and no there's not a real point and I might not ever get there. Deal with it). I want to talk about me and chewing for a moment. See, the name of this here blog is, for those of you who can't read (which by the way means someone is reading this aloud to you, so for that I am sorry, but also hope they know when certain words are to be screamed for extra emphasis), is Jaw Wired Shut - and if you'll recall, yes I've had my jaw wired shut. So when I chew you can actually kinda hear some clinking. Probably something to do with the seven plates of titanium in my face. ANYWAY.
So Bossman and Networkman are talking. I'm chewing. And I've joined the call.
I'm not on mute.
I'm NOT ON MUTE.
So next thing I know there is a very awkward pause in the conversation and a brief moment of silence in which it's quite clear that Bossman and Network man can hear someone chewing.
That's me: Hey guys. Just chewing the shit out of my Cliff bar directly into the microphone of my non-muted headset microphone. You're welcome!!!!
The good thing was, as soon as they awkwardly paused, I realized my mistake and flipped the mute button on like my life depended on it. But yeah. I just gnawed down with my metal mouth into the ears of two dudes discussing SRS BSNS. That's serious business, you guys. (Not what I actually did with the chewing and the non-muting. This is just a dumb story. SRS BSNS is an acronym for "serious business." Try to keep up, okay?)
Now, there's a way for my boss to see when someone's joined the call, so I'm thinking that as soon as he hangs up he's going to walk over to me and make fun of me, which is one of his favorite pastimes, but THEN -- THEN YOU GUYS -- the Networkman starts chewing. And Bossman CALLS HIM OUT ON IT. HA! HA! HAHAHAHAHA! We all chew on the phone! Admit it! How often are you eating while you're talking!? I do it, I know YOU DO IT TOO! In fact, I chew in my bosses ear all the time. He might not know it because usually it's muted but it happens.
So yeah that was a CLOSE CALL and then validating and fun and momentarily hilarious (whatever IT WAS FUNNY you had to be there, okay?) and I'm just glad that my cover was maintained but also seriously, Stamos, no mute button? What is this, amateur hour? I've been an assistant for like FOUR THOUSAND YEARS and that's one hell of a rookie mistake! ALWAYS USE THE MUTE BUTTON.
Yeah so I guess that's the moral of this story you guys: REMEMBER THE MUTE BUTTON. And also - Cliff bars aren't worth it. But Blueberry Crisp is okay.