You guys remember trolls, right? Well check out what the NEW trolls look like:
|Via The Hairpin|
First of all, trolls are not only an American pastime, they are, in fact (and more traditionally), a Norwegian pastime.
I only know this because growing up my father did a lot of business with Norway and there were always Norwegians just like chillin' at my house with names like Bjorn and Peter-Bjorn and Bjorn-Bjorn and we always used to get trolls as gifts and they looked a lot more like the trolls I already played with (the ones on the left in the picture, duh), except a lot uglier. So, like, they ended up in our formal dining room in a weird diorama setting that served as an ode to my dad's foreign business. Or something.
So already, the Americanized version of the troll was just a lot prettier than the original Norwegian ugly/scary version (no offense to Bjorn, Peter-Bjorn or Bjorn-Bjorn). I don't even know how this Norwegian tchtochke ever transitioned to the United States, but it did, and man - trolls were awesome. I had a LOT of trolls. And I even recall going to a troll-themed birthday party. And remember the baby trolls? Those little fuckers were cute.
I remember playing with trolls with my friend Amy the day I found out my grandma died. I was so upset that Amy offered me one of her most beloved trolls (one of the ones with the gemstone in the belly-button, which was like, the MOST awesome) which is not only a sign of true friendship (yes, Amy remains one of my best friends today - and it's her birthday tomorrow, so this is all quite perfectly timed) but a sign of how awesome trolls were. I mean, if you think about it, it's totally weird, but it was just like, one of those phenomenons of the 90s (although apparently these trolls first came onto the scene in the 1960s? Who knew!?!).
So imagine my outrage when I discovered today that the look of the trolls has been updated. And what do they look like? Sluts. Trolls are now slutty.
Look, no one wants a slutty troll. Part of the joy of the troll doll is that it's ugly, yet somehow also cute. Like a Furby or a Chia Pet or certain breeds of dogs. Trolls are certainly are not slutty.
Speaking of slutty - apparently all these AMAZING toys and characters from our youth are being updated - and yes, they all look slutty. THIS. IS. BULLSHIT. I mean look at those trolls! I know the midriff-baring look is all hot in the fashion circles right now, but again, ON TROLLS - trolls who no longer have pudgy bellies and potato-sack clothes (if they were even wearing clothes) - they should not be wearing midriff-baring outfits. You know what? These trolls look like Bratz dolls. In other words - slutty and gross and inappropriate for children to be playing with.
In sum, I'm going to tell my dad to get me Bjorn or Peter-Bjorn or Bjorn-Bjorn on the phone because I vote we just get those nasty little Norwegian trolls over to America to show all these new slutty trolls what's up. Who's with me?