I Just Can't Stop

I imagine you've all been waiting with baited breath for my commentary on this week's installment of The Hills, especially after my previous irate diatribe, however, I am going to make this one as brief as I possibly can. I feel annoyed to be writing about the show, much how I feel when watching.

This week I tried something new. Rather than suffer through commercials, Alicia Keys, and Heidi's inanimate lips, I didn't watch the show live. In fact, I didn't watch The Hills on Monday. I watched it on Tuesday. So while the rest of the water coolers around LA were exhausted with Lauren-Heidi-OMG Stephanie rehash, I kept my distance. Best decision ever. I got to fast forward through the credits, Spencer's terrifying smirks, and the commercials that make me want to throw my TV off the balcony. I watched the two episodes last night and have the following observations to make.

1. Clearly Stephanie is still catching her bearing on a reality television show, as she is struggling with a flattering and appropriately trendy hairstyle. Stephanie, if you happen to be reading this (what do you bet she's one of today's 45 readers? I'm going to go with no) do something about those bangs. It is no longer 1992 and you are no longer in second grade. Try a little less make up while you are at it.

2. Audrina looks like an alien. However, I do enjoy that she often seems pretty over the whole Hills atmosphere. She's got this whole hipster thing going on. Good for you Audrina, you wear that crocheted beret well, even if you do come from another planet.

3. Brody is so incredibly attractive it hurts. I mean wow. Wow. Wow.

4. Lo should write an advice book. Or, I would like to take Lo with me everywhere I go so she could just drop a perfectly succinct one-liner to counsel me when I am making decisions. I could use that. "Hey Lo, should I buy this dress?" "Sweetie, you know that purple isn't your color, stick with blues." So wise. So true.

5. Lauren and Whitney could go tete-a-tete for Most Expressive Eyebrows ever. Lauren's also a little bit of a psycho, and her conversation with Audrina at the end of the episode (re: Plastic Doll With Big Fake Lips Who Wants Her Mirror Back So She Can Stare at Non-Moving Lips) was painful.

6. I don't know how they do it, but whoever puts together those grand sweeping landscape shots of LA makes the city look beautiful. I intelligently mentioned to my roommate last night that I bet The Hills does a lot for the Los Angeles tourism industry. Then I remembered that it probably doesn't need much help in the tourist department. Right.

7. We do have fashion in common.

As always, I was disgusted with myself for watching, am disgusted to be writing about it now, but, I just. Can't. Stop.