Maxillofacial Surgery: All your questions answered, at last!

I've got this nifty thing called a Stat Counter attached to my blog that tells me some very interesting details about the people reading.

The most interesting thing about reading my stats is that I can see what people search for that leads them to the blog. Not surprisingly, the majority of searches revolve around having your jaw wired shut, and because I appear to be misleading people with my blog's title and subsequent content, I think it's time I answer some of those queries. After all, I am speaking from experience. I had my jaw wired shut.

So let's address all your surgical inquiries!

1. "kissing with my jaw wired"
This will be difficult. During the surgery, many of the nerves in your lower face will be cut, and while the regeneration (regrowth?) time is relatively quick, it does take a while and require some physical therapy (although you may never regain full feeling -- I've got a little numb spot on my chin that I sometimes stroke as though it were a beard or something). Some exercises that speed along the recuperation process are to "pucker" and "smile" which is much more difficult than you might expect. Puckering is especially tough, hence the primary obstacle in any attempt to kiss. I would not recommend trying to kiss anyone if you have your jaw wired shut. Also, anyone you might want to kiss will probably be grossed out by the fact that your face is swollen to the point where you resemble a volleyball and your cheeks are bruised a weird yellow color.

2. "can you talk with your jaw wired shut"
Somewhat. The first few days, especially when I was still in the hospital, I wrote a lot of what I wanted to say in a little notepad. The doctors don't want you to do that, because the sooner you attempt to use your facial muscles the quicker your recovery. However when you are all hopped up on drugs and feel like there's a shard of glass going through your mouth one minute, and that you are floating on a cloud of angel wings the next, talking seems like the last thing in the world you'd want to do. Later on it gets easier to talk, although not everyone can understand you. My dad found it incredibly difficult to figure out what I was saying while some of my friends had no problem (they were already used to hearing me mumble when drunk).

3. "vegan food jaw wired shut"
I recommend against. Look, when you can't open your mouth for two months and are on a liquid diet (and I am talking liquid -- the first month I couldn't even have a Jamba Juice smoothie because it was too thick) with a restriction like being vegan limiting what you can eat on top of your already impaired food intake, getting all the calories and protein you need could prove to be way too difficult, and probably unhealthy. Then again, I did live off of finely strained vegetable soups and vegetable juices, as well as a few protein shakes a day -- I'd say vegetarian is doable, but not vegan. Also, you are going to experience some crazy cravings. One night near the end of the two month liquid diet all I wanted was cheese. The solution? A giant bowl of finely whipped cheesy mashed potatoes. Delicious. It was also during this time that I discovered my deep love for pizza. There was perhaps no other food item I desired more.

4. "wired jaw smoking"
Uh, no? Are people still smoking cigarettes? You can't even use a straw so good luck trying to get a cigarette in between those lips. I am pretty sure that smoking after major reconstructive facial surgery is a very bad idea. Unless you're smoking weed. I still think you're gonna have trouble smoking anything with your mouth all jacked up.

5. "sleeping jaws wired shut"
Yeah, this sucks too. You have to sleep with a few pillows so you can stay propped up... anything to make breathing easier and help decrease the swelling. Thanks to the drugs I slept really weird hours too. This meant a lot of 4 am Oprah viewings which is okay as it's the only time I seem to be able to tolerate Oprah.

6. "dog jaw wired shut"
Huh? Why would you have your dog's jaw wired shut? This makes no sense.

7. "jaw wired avoid panic"
Ahh yes, I recall the severe panic I underwent the last days leading up to my surgery. You'll be fine. It might one of the worst experiences of your life, but it gets better. It's character building! And they give you drugs. Lots of them. All of the drugs.

8. "jaw feels heavy pops shakiness"
Get that shit checked out.

9. "products for jaw wired shut"
Hmm. Morphine, codeine, oxycodone, vicodin... there were more I don't remember the grocery list. Oh and the classic Ibuprofen of course.  All in liquid form, taken with a syringe, so you feel extra sketchy about it. They taste nasty so I mixed everything with fruit juice. Although the morphine made me feel sick (which is odd, because I always had imagined I would have a wonderful relationship with opiates) so I only had that in the hospital via IV drip. The codeine was interesting. I built a weird sleep dependency on it so it caused crazy dreams and my arms would lose feeling in the middle of the night. Very, very strange. But some interesting products, sure. Lots of products.

10. "jaw wiring laguna"
That makes no sense. I suggest redefining your search terms.

Well, for all you "jaw wired shut" searchers, I hope this helps. It's been exactly a year and a half since my surgery, but in a way feels like decades ago. So nice to have that over with. The worst part of the whole thing might the braces. Because no one wants to relive the agony of their puberty years in their twenties. I did that for three years. Terrible. But character building.