An Open Letter to the Inventor of Hot Tamales

Dear Sir (or Madam, but maybe wouldn't it be cool if maybe one day using “sir” it could really be anyone you are addressing, kind of like how it is on Battlestar Galactica? That is a great show. Do you watch the show sir? I recommend that you do),

I am writing you for a very important cause. A cause that I hold dear to my heart. That cause is to say THANK YOU. I believe in Thanksgiving. I believe that once the Pilgrims and the Indians (I think now they are called Native Americans. No, no now they are American Indians. Actually I am not so sure. I am lacking in political correctedness but I make up for it in my love for THANKS) sat down to dinner together and they broke bread (or rather, tore at it) and thanked each other. So, with that I write.

Thank you for inventing Hot Tamales. They are my most favorite of all candy, followed in no particular order by the following:

Twizzlers
Good n’ Plenty (anything that supplants “and” with “n’” is genius)
York Peppermint Patty

But really Sir Inventor, I feel that you need to know that my love for Hot Tamales far surpasses my love for many other things, including the following (in no particular order):

Yellow highlighters
Alarm clocks
High-heeled shoes
Kleenex (which I love a lot)

This week I have purchased a pack of Hot Tamales almost daily (I say almost because my memory is poor and I think there was one day I did not buy one of these small packs, but I am not sure, therefore to preserve my credability I must include the word ALMOST). Around 4 pm I seem to regularly develop a craving for those succulent cinnamon treats.

In the world of cinnamon treats, by the by, you win. Red Hots have NOTHING on Hot Tamales. Fire balls are overrated. Cinnamon Altoids are a joke. A JOKE.

I especially love Hot Tamales because sometimes when I am eating them they are so cinnamony they hurt and it is a strange sadistic experience. (Please note I am using sadistic in the LEAST sexual way possible. That is to say, it is not always a pleasant experience to eat these Hot Tamales because they are so HOT. But this makes the experience memorable and delicious. Thus it is sadistic. It is painful and awesome. Actually I am not sure I know what the definition of sadistic is. If you know, would you kindly share?).

Sir I implore you to explain to me the idea behind your slogan “Get Fired Up!” It’s genius! I am so fired up about Hot Tamales right now. They are both fat and calorie free, and certainly, as your packaging informs me, a cinnamon-charged candy.

I especially enjoy the package with a net weight of 2.12 ounces, or 60 grams. It is the perfect snack size. And it is under $1 which is really quite wonderful as I do not have a multitude of accessible funds, or as I like to say “I have negative bones.” That saying might not make much sense to you but trust me, it means I do not have a lot of cold hard cash. I bet you do. Why, you invented the most delicious of all delicious cinnamony treats, and perhaps candy in general (I say perhaps because I am not a statistician, and therefore cannot make bold claims I cannot support. I am a man of my word)!

Sir, beyond giving thanks I would also like to offer my services. I would like to put THIS on the table: I would be so happy to be a quality control taste taster. I do not know if there is current need for this, or if perhaps you have control over this (maybe after your invention you moved onto other candies? Say, were you the inventor of Mike and Ikes? Is your name Mike? OOH IS IT IKE? I bet it's Ike. Mike & Ikes are okay. Similar to Hot Tamales but less good).

If you have need for quality control taste tasters feel free to alert me of this need. I am ready and willing at your service to taste test and control quality. I know what makes a good Hot Tamale.

Regards,
John Stamos