Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Some Things I Like To Do To Annoy People

Send emails regarding job postings, when you vaguely know recipient of resumes, because said recipient works with roommate. See below.

Dear Sir or Madam (I think the name Scott refers to Madam, but as English is only my first language—I also speak French, per my "Extra Capabilities" section in attached resume—one can't be too sure, which is why I shall say you are one OR the other),

Per your posting on the UTA Job list (which is looking rather meagre of late—a fact I find depressing yet indicative of our flailing economy. I am an avid watcher of economic doings. And yes I often use the British spelling for words such as meagre, favour, and colour as I am a descendant of one of the wives of Henry VIII and can't help it. I don't know which wife, but I am thinking it is unlikely that it was one of the gentlewomen who was beheaded) I see that you have need of an intern at your company, The Learning Channel. As I am a fan of both LEARNING and CHANNELS I feel that I might be an excellent candidate for this position.

Additional reasons I am a choice applicant for this job? While I might not be in college, or able to receive credit, as is required per said job posting, I did receive a 3.5 GPA in college, and a 4.0 GPA in high school. I know what you are thinking, and yes, I peaked in high school. Furthermore, I may not have an interest in a career in reality television, but I do watch THE HILLS as well as HILLS spin-off, THE CITY (as well as faux spin-off BROMANCE, but don't tell anyone. That can be our secret!) and if that is the sort of reality TV you are hoping people will LEARN about, well then I would like to give your company some TLC. (Tender Loving and Care).

The dates of the internship are truly ideal, as on April 17th I depart for a three day hippie music festival known as Coachella, where some people do drugs and drink moonshine and dance with animal spirits. I said some people.

For a reference, I would like to impose upon my roommate Ms. Ashleigh DiTonto (I KNOW! SHE REALLY DOES SPELL HER NAME LIKE THAT!) who I think could provide a glowing review, not of my failure to watch reality TV, but success at mocking it (for proof, I ask that she provide the multiple emails I send her regarding TLC press releases, for example, I sent one just yesterday regarding NASCAR WIVES, which apparently has really hit a chord with a certain audience, but I am guessing it is an audience that also loves freedom).

This reminds me: I hate freedom, and although you are called THE LEARNING CHANNEL and appear to be owned by another network known as DISCOVERY, I hope that you too are a bunch of Freedom Haters. If this is the case, then as I previously mentioned, I would make an excellent candidate.

And now I would like to share with you my "Extra Capabilities" because when I wrote earlier that there was an attached resume, I was not speaking the whole truth, only some of it (hint: there is no attached resume but I have several extra capabilities, lucky for you!).

Extra Capabilities: Previous fluency in French (now equivalent to "highly proficient"), well-read in both tabloids and serious news magazines, lover of Boston sports teams with little statistical knowledge to support aggressive enthusiasm, well-versed in Lord of the Rings jargon, Microsoft Office Suite, field hockey, painting my OWN fingernails (BOTH HANDS!), can quote lengthy portions of both STAR WARS and OLD SCHOOL, wrote senior thesis on "Turkey and the European Union: Re-defining a new European identity since the Schengen Agreement and the Turkish bid for acceptance within a new Europe," blogger, highly proficient at procrastination, keeper of secrets, Level 10 in Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door after just 17 hours of play time!

I feel certain that I would be an excellent addition to your Learning team and look forward to what I assume will be a timely and positive response.

Annie Stamell
Roommate of Ashleigh DiTonto,

whose contact information you surely have on file

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