Early today, when recalling the hilarity of the evening (which also included my first late night trip to In-N-Out burger, where I was unable to eat any of the food I ordered because of my aversion to mayonnaise--I still have yet to eat this well known fast food delicacy) I was reminiscing about college and dancing at Middlebury's one bar Angela's, and how I would always get so sweaty (obvi) that while I might have started the night drunk and unruly I would end stone cold sober and in need of a shower. Ahh, those were the days.
And then I remembered the Shimmy Split. I am not going to go into a lot of detail about this unfortunate dance move, just to note how happy I am that it now remains retired from my sad collection of other unfortunate dance moves (yet to expire is the Punching Bag, Attempted Rave, or Awkward Robot. Oh and the Missy Elliot Running Man was a onetime event.)
In honor of the Shimmy Split, I am going to post a fake press-release email I sent to a bunch of people about a year and a half ago. It will probably only make sense to some, and for those who don't understand, you're probably better off.
The Shimmy Split, Age 1, Dies Unexpectedly
June, 16, 2006
Boston, MA--Just a week after its first birthday, The Shimmy Split died unexpectedly early this morning at an undisclosed location in Boston. In a routine appearance late last night, to the sweet melodies of Phil Collins, Huey Lewis and the News, and Queen, The Shimmy Split inadvertently injured an innocent bystander. The left thumb of a one Ann Palmer Stamell, age 22 of Falmouth, ME, was dealt a blow while The Shimmy Split was at its peak of motion. The thumb, no longer opposable, immediately lost several basic motor functions and increased in size due to a suspected sprain. While the swelling was thwarted by a bag of ice chips, the precise outcome of the medical condition is yet to be determined. Witnesses were unclear as to what exactly caused the injury. Stamell's roommate, Katherine O'Connell, age 22, also of Falmouth, ME, noted, "The Shimmy Split seemed to especially enjoy a song by Jefferson Starship, and I think that may have been when things got out of control." It was sometime following the injury, between the hours of 2 am and 7:30 am this morning, when Ms. Stamell discovered the death. "I'd say, from the looks of the things, that someone made the pro-active decision to end the life of The Shimmy Split." A police investigation is currently underway.
The Shimmy Split was born in early June of 2005, in a bar in Biarritz, France. During it's short life, The Shimmy Split traveled worldwide, visiting friends and locations across the globe. The Shimmy Split was an adamant music lover, especially in the genre of 80s rock, and was often most flamboyant when inspired by the tunes of Queen, Journey, Jefferson Starship, and Styx. Besides the specific bar of birth in France, The Shimmy Split had a fondness for many locations in Middlebury, VT, including a bar called Angela's, an apartment on Washington St., a residence known only as The Bog, and the living room of La Force Suite D (where The Shimmy Split made a rare duet with The Missy Elliot Running Man). The Shimmy Split often wore extra large t-shirts, and once bravely competed for a highly-coveted "Katrina Blows" shirt during the last week of May 2006. Those fortunate to have experienced the joy of The Shimmy Split are among the lucky few, as clearly, The Shimmy Split has left us forever.
In lieu of flowers, The Shimmy Split's only living relatives request that donations in the form of cash, check, or money order, be sent to 22 Knight St, Falmouth, ME 04105. The funeral is open to family and close friends only.
Inquiries after the formerly opposable thumb can be looked into at firstname.lastname@example.org (207) 712 2306, or AStamell@WeberShandwick.com, (617) 520 7127.