Live Blogging Super Tuesday

Okay so I didn't really live blog Super Tuesday, because instead I like to mock those who do. However, I woke up this morning and decided to revisit that sentiment, and perhaps try it out, maybe give you all a little sense of what my live blogging of Super Tuesday might have looked like... (all times are PST).

4:03 pm YES! Polls have closed in the East. Screw spending my idle time at work looking at celebrity blogs. It's primary time.

4:15 pm I scream to my boss, BARACK WON GEORGIA! He doesn't respond. This is not surprising. He often ignores me.

4:17 pm I temporarily lose interest because results aren't coming in fast enough. I spend 10 minutes in the kitchen looking for something to snack on that isn't leftover from a Christmas gift basket. Planter's Peanut Mix! Delicious!

5:03 pm More results, finally! I forgot about Huckabee, he's still in this? I am convinced that McCain will be the GOP front runner. Thank God, he's the only Republican I can stomach. Speaking of stomach, I am still hungry.

5:05 pm My boss calls my name: "Honey!" That means I have to do work. We start rolling out some phone calls. No one answers. Maybe everyone is watching election results? If only we had a TV in the office! Wait, we do! In the conference room... Alas, I am not permitted to leave my desk for such a frivolous cause and must continue to act as a dutiful assistant.

5:45 pm I engage in a heated argument with co-workers about Hillary vs. Barack. Tensions arise between me and the assistant who sits next to me. I am a stubborn little bitch which she's about to find out.

6:04 pm Hillary has picked up momentum. I'm getting nervous. An assistant from down the hall walks over, sees my glum look and asks with concern if I am okay. I respond, "No. Barack isn't winning as many states as I had hoped." He laughs at me and points out the last time two times I've been upset it's been about either the Patriots or Barack. I realize it is becoming more apparent that I have little to no interest in my job at the moment and feign excitement at an article about Vanity Fair canceling it's Oscar party. Oh those poor celebs!

6:53 pm My boss is in a frantic state. It has nothing to do with the election. All I can do is stare at CNN online and wonder why Barack isn't winning in a landslide. I want to scream, HILLARY HAS A MULLET! I restrain myself and hope I can leave soon.

7:11 pm Yes! I leave work, and get to my car in time to hear some commentary and speeches.

7:33 pm I call my dad and demand he tell me who he voted for. He reminds me that he, too, is registered in Maine and therefore didn't vote. But my step-mom voted for Obama. YES! He has good taste after all!

7:36 pm Hillary makes me uncomfortable when she gives a speech. I don't like when her voice raises a few octaves and becomes more shrill. I am nervous she is going to have a sore throat. I recommend Ricola. They are manufactured in Switzerland.

7:45 pm I walk through the door of my apartment to find Roommate #1 on the sofa with CNN blaring. I drop everything, throw on my after-work uniform (sweats and big tee) and join her in front of the television.

8:00 pm John McCain is talking. His jowls are funny looking. Wait a minute--is that his wife? GOOD GOD WOMAN! Roommate #1 wonders if she is a transvestite. With a hairdo like that, I think it's a possibility.

8:03 pm Polls have closed in California. I am overwhelmingly tense. I am also hungry. Soup it is. Chicken rice or chicken noodle? I can't decide! It's too close to call! How will I choose?

8:05 pm Chicken noodle.

8:15 pm Roommate #2 walks in. She is chipper and happy but I am too tense and intent at staring at Wolf Blitzer's beautiful silver hair and beard to say hello. I ask her if she voted and she says no. NO! BLASPHEMY! She couldn't decide whether to vote for Hillary or Barack. I make it my mission to make her feel guilty about this and then convince her why Barack is the guy for the job.

8:30 pm We watch the "Yes, We Can" video on full screen and blaring the volume. This is so effective, Roommate #2 begins to cry in inspiration and love for Obama. I have succeeded.

8:39 pm Barack is talking. He is inspirational, awe-inspiring. He's the black JFK! I am feeling the power! YES, WE CAN! SI, SE PUEDE! Barack even teaches me Spanish!

8:58 pm Time for dessert! Mmm chocolate bunt cake from Trader Joe's, leftover from the Superbowl party. Looks good. I proceed to eat said bunt cake, knowing full well it will probably make me feel nauseous in a few minutes.

9:16 pm I resist the urge to vomit the now digested bunt cake.

9:23 pm I take a moment to check my "connections" on Match.com. I become angry when a 31 year old from Costa Mesa has sent me a "wink." Does it not clearly state in my profile that I am not interested in meeting anyone who doesn't live on the West side or who is over the age of 30? Idiots!

9:43 pm California for Hillary? Wait a minute, I thought that all the celebrities were voting for Barack and aren't all the celebrities in Los Angeles? I am beginning to think there are flaws to my reasoning. I cannot reveal this to unsuspecting roommates. #2 still appears to be convinced by my arguments against Hillary (mullet alert!) and for Obama (you can't beat that oratory style!).

10:03 pm I've lost interest and I am getting tired. Wolf Blitzer is starting to bother me. With a name like that shouldn't he be in porn? Now it's Larry King. Definitely changing the channel. Hmm... what's on my DVR... ooh last week's Nip/Tuck. I hear they torture a CAA agent, yes!

11:08 pm I retire to my bedroom. (I "retire" as though I were in a period piece, apparently.) A quick final check online and I see that McCain is definitely the front runner and Dems are split between Clinton and Obama. I wonder if we wont have a democratic front runner until the convention. OMG this is just like an episode of The West Wing! I feel so involved.

11:35 pm Lights out. I'm exhausted. Maintaining an inner monologue is hard work.