Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Existential Crisis #347

Does anyone else feel as though their days are constantly addled by existential crises? Seriously. I think once or twice a day I have a moment where massive feelings of uncertainty, self-doubt, and frustration overwhelm my psyche.

Okay I am obviously being over dramatic. Thing is, and I am going to be truthful and honest here (because I never really tell you how I feel--all that stuff about Celine Dion and my love for young adult fantasy novels are just lies I make up to look cool), I am in my first job out of college and I am rapidly discovering that it isn't the right job for me (let's hope my current boss never gets wind of this blog, for that comment and all the times I talk about taking naps on his sofa when he's out of town).

Anyway, here are some of the questions flooding my brain... I am essentially a secretary with few other qualifications. While "being on a desk" for a few years is industry standard, I am not sure where in this industry I belong, which means if I wanted to maybe do something else I have few high level skills. But wait a minute, this is definitely the industry I want to be in, because didn't I move all the way across the country to be here? So if that's the case, and I am pretty sure I don't want to be an agent or a manager, then what do I want to do? Do I want to be on the marketing end of the business? I feel like in marketing you at least gain a skill set that transfers (say I ever wanted to move elsewhere or work in the non entertainment world). Or in theatrical publicity? Or in television? We all know I love, love, love television and it's a world I would definitely be thrilled to be involved with. But do I want to be at a studio or network overseeing current programming or development or do I want to be an assistant to a producer or a director? Or do I want to be a writer's assistant or staffed on a show? And can I really fathom another few years as an assistant? Is your brain exploding with all my questions? I am amazed mine hasn't yet!

So, I am trying to figure out what I want to do or what I would be good at doing and I am not sure. I want to be smarter about the next job I take... I know I can look at it as just a job, another learning experience, and it isn't going to rule the rest of my life, but I am also feeling some anxiety... I am 24 and I have a college degree but what else? What professional skills can I boast? I want a position where I enjoy what I am doing but I can also make money... yeah sure, that's what everyone wants, but shouldn't I expect AND demand greatness for myself?

OH MY GOD I CAN'T STOP. This existential crisis is close to spinning out of control. The comforting thing is I know a lot of assistants out there feel the same way. And even if they don't seem to be quite so confused or self-doubting, as a fellow beleaguered assistant-friend of mine just said, they're lying.

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