Dear Bonnaroo PR Team,
Thank you for once again sending me another emailing touting the highlights of this summer's festival, reminding me once again that in 2007 I had one of the best times of my life, but also that I am in no position economically or otherwise to go the festival this year. What's that? You have Phish? Twice? Yes, I would chew off my left arm to see them, but alas, my left arm is unavailable for chewing because it's too busy punching the wall. Oh, I'm sorry, did you say Springstreen? Excuse me while I cry in a corner. And that whole thing about David Byrne curating some shows featuring some hot up-and-comers...? I am going to live in denial of this merely existing, because it pains me too much.
The only comfort I take in these regular emails is that I recall the three days of camping in the fields of Manchester, TN in the middle of June to be somewhat miserable, thanks to scorching temperatures. At least at Coachella I got to stay at a condo. WITH A POOL. So you can suck it, you "Woodstock of today" and take your awesome line-up and crazy hippies and delicious food and ferris wheel and I hope everyone gets heat stroke (except for the Yeah Yeah Yeahs because I worship the ground Karen O walks upon).