HIVES: Further Evidence That I am Doomed to a Long-term Existence as a 12 Year Old

I had a weird allergic reaction to a pair of pants this morning. Seriously. I broke out into hives.

Yes, hives.

Hives.

Like... all over my ass (seriously). And my knee caps, my belly button, my thighs...

And eventually they spread. But really the redness and itchyness spread and I legit had a freak allergy attack and fucking HIVES.

I am not at all kidding. Not at all. It was insane. And you know something, contrary to popular belief, breaking out in hives SUCKS. (Actually I don’t even know if it is popular belief, but I am going to go with that belief that is like braces logic—you know, when you were a kid you kind of wanted braces because of the idea of it, even though in reality they suck; well it was kind of like that. Like you always hear kids say “I got hives” and you are like, huh, hives. I kinda want hives one of these days. BUT YOU DON’T. THEY SUCK. FUCK HIVES.)

Here’s what happened:

Foolishly, on Wednesday I agreed to a Friday morning workout with my trainer, which I never do, but I was so jazzed we changed our time to 6:30 am (as opposed to 6 am, which required me to wake up at 5:30 am, which BLOWS) and I was all about it, even though I had a sense I was probably going to go out Thursday night. So anyway, I woke up this morning around 6:05 am and wanted to murder someone. Really. I woke up and my alarm is set to play Cat Stevens’ “Morning Has Broken” (because I am both unoriginal and corny) and thought, who can I blame for this and subsequently murder?

But then I snoozed two 5-minute sets and felt well enough to get out of bed. So I got my ass ready for the gym, threw on the last remaining clean pair of socks and workout pants I could fine (t-shirt supply is always in abundance) and sleep-walked to my car and drove to the gym, arriving 10 minutes late as intended. (Sometimes I like to show up late to my training sessions as kind of a big FUCK YOU to my trainer who is dumb as rocks—he spelled marathon “marithon” our first day, among other things—and generally a person I dislike beyond his kickass training capabilities. And it reminds both him and me that he works for me and I can do what I want which is kind of awesome because in all other aspects of my life I am just hanging onto the lowest ladder rung. No, I don’t have any issues. None at all.)

We did a little bit more low-key workout because I bitched about how tired I was from going out last night (went to a SWEET comedy show featuring the dudes from Human Giant, and others—it was AWESOME), and like 45 minutes into it I started just itching a lot. Mostly my quads, but my shins and kneecaps and other places. I absent-mindedly just thought it was because it’s so dry out and whatever, but the itching was only increasing. I was scratching my leg later when I was stretching, and pulled up my pants a little bit to discover that on my kneecap there were all these really weird looking bumps. I quickly headed to the locker room to change for the showers and stripped out of my workout clothes to discover huge fucking HIVES all over my ass and midriff (well really mostly up to where the pants stopped, so just below my belly button). IT WAS NUTS. My legs were also bright red and itching like MAD and I had a crazy chill and was kind of starting to freak out because my ass/lower half of my body looked like I was a bad PSA for nut allergy or meth usage or something. I sped through the shower and got dressed and raced home, to pop a Benadryl and some cortisone cream, and pray to my animal spirit god that he would save me.

I guess it was allergies because the Benadryl definitely worked. The hives have gone down. Still pretty itchy though. Gonna go see the doctor later anyway to maybe get a cortisone shot, but really what I want to know is:

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED

And again, apologies for the recent spike in profanity but I am so weirded out by this whole situation. I mean, who the hell gets hives around 7 am on a Friday? HAH I guess the same person who just two weeks ago broke her retainer eating an apple. I mean between the orthodontic issues and the freak allergy attacks—I belong in middle school.

HIVES ON MY ASS

I’ll leave you with that.

OH AND I AM NEVER FUCKING WEARING THOSE PANTS AGAIN (even though they were clean and had been washed in the same load as a pair of pants I wore to work out Wednesday morning and there were NO HIVES WITH THOSE OTHER PANTS. SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK).