Monday, March 16, 2009

The Orthodontia Monologues

Remember that time I said I shall forever be plagued by orthodontia? (And remember that time I named my ENTIRE BLOG ABOUT THE TWO MONTHS AFTER MY JAW SURGERY WHEN I HAD TO EAT LIQUIDS AND ONLY LIQUIDS?) Well I wasn't kidding. In today's story, related to the surgery-recovery-that-shall-never-end, I started out my Monday morning at the orthodontist--yep, still have that invisalign on the lower teeth--to apparently close a minor gap that my perfectionist doctors obsess over.

Speaking of perfection, Dr. Jacobson was not pleased with the progress this morning--and I was informed by one of his female minions (why is it that both my orthodontist here and in New York are surrounded by droves of female assistants? And they're always blond and attractive, I've noticed. Actually more brunettes in New York. What's the deal with that? Note to all guys: become an orthodontist and surround yourself with fine attending women) that I might need a new kind of retainer to really get the job done.

Yes, I am 25, and yes, I have been dealing with this for the past 15 years of my life. Moving on.

Well folks, Assistant Lady said to me "The doctor might switch you to a wire retainer. Do you just want the natural color? It's pink, like your gums." I looked at Assistant Lady and said,

"HAH! If I am going to get a wire retainer with color options then I am going all out. Show me what you got!"

Next thing I know I got to choose not only a color, but a STICKER. Yes, nowadays you can put a sticker on your retainer. Naturally I chose electric blue and a sparkly seahorse (I wanted to express my love for marine biology) and previous frustration at pre-pubescent orthodontic devices quickly transformed into excitement to show off my hilarious and personalized new mouthpiece.

However, all this enthusiasm was crushed when the always-eerily serene Dr. J swung by for his 5 minute check-in, during which he spoke in code (something like "lets see the RDT. Yes and on her 16. Hmm."), asked me about my "jaw health" and shook my hand, twice. He then left. I had no idea what just happened so Assistant Lady told me that in fact they were going to stick with the invisalign and I was to come back in a few days to pick up a new model.

No electric blue sparkly seahorse retainer for me. Single tear.

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