Oscars Schmoscars! This Charlie Sheen-Mel Gibson-Christian Bale Mega Rant is Better Than Anything Franco Was Smoking Last Night

Oscars Schmoscars. AMIRIGHT? I mean, Charlie Sheen is way more exciting to talk about this fine Monday morning. (Although, new to my bucket list, just after "smoke pot with Snoop Dogg" I have added "smoke pot with James Franco" - bro appeared to be high as a kite during the show. For that matter, it seemed like everyone was on drugs at the Academy Awards. As long as this doesn't escalate to a city full of Charlie Sheens, rock on Hollywood, rock on).


Christian Bale, who, to this day, I like to think of singing about Santa Fe with a kerchief round his neck in Newsies, won an Oscar last night. Immediately afterward everyone in my living room  started screaming "GOOD FOR YOUUUU." See? Twitter evidence:

tweet

But more exciting than my own self-congratulations at an easy joke would be this superb mega rant featuring the angry screams not only of Oscar winner Christian Bale, but of Oscar winner Mel Gibson, and HOPEFULLY NEVER AN OSCAR WINNER Charlie Sheen (very NSFW btw):

Thanks to the brilliant Editors/Clip-makers at FilmDrunk for this gem. The best part is definitely Christian Bale's crazy "La da da da da da" on repeat with the Nick Nolte (or is that Gary Busey? I honestly can't tell the two apart at this point) and Alec Baldwin soundbites.

Just Because

This is pretty much a picture of me and my friends. So, like, NBD.

Cats Quote Charlie Sheen

Glitter, Unicorns and James Van Der Beek

Good God. KE$HA. 

You just keep bringing it! Hit after hit after hit! And now you've just like, BLOWN MY MIND! This new video for your song "Blow" - which, by the way, I'm a HUGE fan of - is just seriously epic. I mean. Look at it. LOOK AT THIS VIDEO! With DAWSON OF DAWSON'S CREEK himself! AND UNICORNS.  MOTHER FUCKING UNICORNS! And did I mention the LASER BEAMS OF RAINBOWS!?!

My God. This is fantastic.

This is my M.O. Pretty Much.

thank you someecards

Talking Firefly

So you guys know how I love Firefly - right? (Right.) Well I'm putting that love to use (okay, along with all that other stuff I do like consulting and social media marketing and branding and what not) over in this piece from NewTeeVee:

"Sorry, Firefly Fans, But Nathan Fillion Can't Bring it Back"

Now before all the Whedonites out there stone me for the reality check - I'd love to see this show come back in any way shape and form (frankly I'd hope that Joss Whedon would be at the helm) but just knowing the way television studios work I really think this is one hell of a long shot. Then again, as I told Liz at NewTeeVee, if any fandom can do something so unprecedented, it would be this one!

Why I Love Celine Dion, Pt. 10

You guys. Yesterday, we here at Jaw Wired Shut (we being me, but whatever) witnessed a miracle. Yes, a miracle! And of monstrous proportions, no less!

Yesterday, Wednesday February 16th, 2011 was akin to the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. Or the Talking Heads reunion. Or the Arrested Development movie.


Yesterday, Celine Dion returned to Las Vegas:

She's a Goddamned Mother Theresa. (Source: Just Jared)

That's right. My favorite alien in all the world makes a glorious return to Caeser's Palace for a two year stint performing at the Colosseum.

Do you know what this means? Like, do you understand the lasting implications this has on my life? If you're familiar with my "Why I Love Celine Dion" series, then yes you are. But what you may not know is that I have never seen her in concert (cue gasp of shock!) - partially out of fear that I would pass out from a mixture of excitement and supreme secondhand embarrassment, but mostly because I just haven't had the chance yet - and now, NOW, is the time. There are no excuses. I have two years to get my ass to Caeser's Palace and see this woman sing a song for a Ford car and pump her chest and perform a goddamn spectacle and maybe, if I'm lucky, tell a few stories about Canada or her weird-looking husband. MY GOD. This is it. Celine Dion, it's happening. EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING!

Gettin Slizzerrred

Hi there. In case you ever wanted to know what I look like when I'm really, really drunk, I think this baby does a good job of setting up the scene:

I LOVE TACO (this post is actually less dirty than it sounds, I swear)

Okay. So you may be familiar with this show The League. It's on FX, and like many other FX shows, I LOVE IT. I fucking love it so much that it's one of my favorite current TV shows and I ranked it as one of my Top 10 TV shows of 2010. My favorite character would be Taco for a variety of reasons, but mostly because he smokes out of a unicorn bong and learned how to notarize things and says stuff like "I have a mental erection."

And now, Jon Lajoie, the actor who plays Taco has released a delightfully hilarious music video set to a song called "Very Super Famous" which as my friend Jack mused, is totally ringtone worthy.  Check it out:






Okay now a pressing issue: is Jon Lajoie single? Does anyone have this intel?

The Reverse Moonlighting Curse

Yesterday I referred to the television show Bones as maybe suffering from the "Reverse Moonlighting Curse." As I explained  - The Reverse Moonlighting Curse is simple really: wherein a TV show goes to shit when the main couple DON'T hook up. See: X-Files S9, etc.

You picking up what I'm putting down? (Also - a Twitter follower called it the Reverse Lobster, referencing that bit on Friends when Phoebe tells Ross and Rachel they're each others' lobsters - who mate for life. But the Reverse Lobster sounds like an awkward sexual position so I'm sticking with the Reverse Moonlighting Curse or RMC, and I think they'd be like, two different things in this lame pop culture TV speak anyway).

Okay to bring this back to me (because that's how we roll here) and not to like, get all annoying "young woman in her late-20s starts to freak out about approaching 30 as a SINGLETON" on you guys, but you know what I realized? If my life were a TV show, it would be awesome. Let me try that over: If my life were a TV show, and I were the main character (duh), then I'd like to think I'm currently suffering from the Reverse Moonlighting Curse. Ya feel me???

Like, I just wanna say: Mr. Showrunner (God?), just put me together with my Future Husband already before this all goes downhill! You know what I'm talking about - my One True Love, who you are just keeping apart from me, for nonsensical reason after nonsensical reason - can't we just do it already? Before this plotline gets so drawn out that no one cares anymore?"

Well thank God my life isn't a TV show, RIGHT? Because there will be no curses or vexes or lobsters (ironically, I dislike shellfish)! There's only great times ahead! RIGHT? RIGHT!!!??

(This is why I'm single?)

Editorial Note: I first sent this over an IM to my roommate - the oft blogged about DiTonto - who's immediate response was: "but you want a lobster!" Which made me realize, that I need to not make this about me (SO HARD TO DO SOMETIMES), because really, the notion of the Reverse Moonlighting Curse is that a story suffers when two characters, so obviously in love, are prevented from consummating that love at all costs, and to no end, and so much so, that the quality of the storytelling has degraded so much that people lose interest - and as we're all narcissists, myself especially so, I'll never lose interest in my own love life! So I guess, what I should be thinking here is, thank GOD my life isn't a TV show!

A Fond Farewell to FNL

I'm so incredibly sad to say goodbye to my favorite show on television, Friday Night Lights, tomorrow. I'm sure you'll hear much from me before and after the episode airs, but until then I urge you to check out James Poniewozik's piece at Time:

Just as HBO's crime-drama masterpiece The Wire was a searing vision of what is wrong with America, Friday Night Lights has been a clear-eyed, full-hearted tribute to what is right with it.

OMG! Black Shatter Nail Polish!

Damn you, Katy Perry. I try so hard not to like you and then you create a nail polish line with OPI that includes a color called "Black Shatter" that LITERALLY SHATTERS ON YOUR NAIL AND ALMOST LOOKS LIKE TIE-DYE.

I mean that is GENIUS. And made for ME. I can't wait to get "Teenage Dream" and put Black Shatter over it. OMG OR MAYBE I WILL PAINT EVERY NAIL A DIFFERENT COLOR AND THEN PUT BLACK SHATTER ON THEM ALL! The possibilities are endless, you guys!

My favorite part of the video is when the host lady talks about "working in a conservative office environment." HAHAHAHAHA MAN. What's that like?

Why I Will Watch 'The Chicago Code'

Tonight you can catch the premiere of the new Fox drama The Chicago Code. Have you heard of it? Did you watch the Super Bowl yesterday? Are you an idiot? If you answered yes to the first two questions and no to the third, then you know what I'm talking about. 

Based on the advertising, and what I can gleam from the various trailers, teasers, and promos that have been filling the airwaves recently, I don't know that this would normally be a show that screams "must-see TV" for me (Why? Cops. Not really into shows about cops).  However, there are three reasons I will watch The Chicago Code:

(1) It's a pilot. I always like to watch pilots. I almost always watch the first episode of any show. Even if I don't think I will like it. Okay so maybe I didn't watch the pilot of Shit My Dad Says but that was out of principal.  But Blue Bloods? Not a show I would typically watch, and truthfully, that's a pilot I never watched until I was on a plane last week. But that show is GOOD.

(2) Matt Lauria. Also known as Friday Night Lights' very own Luke Cafferty, who is just an outstanding actor, and is one of The Chicago Code's regular cast members. And he's pretty nice to look at. And yeah, FNL. I'll probably watch anything that anyone from FNL is in from now on. (Except for Off the Map. Sorry Zach Gilford - I tried, I really did).

(3 - and this is the MOST important) Middlebury. I know you're thinking: um, Stamos? It's called The Chicago Code, not The Middlebury Code (which on a side note, could be a gripping CW drama about like, the ubiquitous dress code of polo shirts, Patagonia fleeces and gray New Balance kicks and the one student who dares to mix things up by maybe NOT popping his collar). But get this - the show's creator - Shawn Ryan (The Shield, The Unit, Terriers) - is one of Middlebury's most notable alums. Also an alum: me. (Less notable, but relevant, here okay?) So obviously I'm going to support any Middlebury alum (related - I'm apparently the co-president of the Los Angeles Chapter of Middlebury Alumni, a fact that entertains me to no end) and get real excited by my distant association with The Chicago Code. I mean, if at the end of every episode of a TV show I get to see MIDDKID pop up on my screen then I'm happy:

Screengrabbed from Hulu - hence the buffering.

Also? I'm going to watch the show because apparently it's really, really good. So that's something else to consider.


What about you? Will you be catching the premiere of The Chicago Code tonight? Did you know that Shawn Ryan went to Middlebury? Did you know that Middlebury has the same mascot as FNL's Dillon Panthers? Wait - before you answer that, did you know that Middlebury is actually a FOUR YEAR college in Vermont that is, kind of like, AWESOME? (Yes there's a need to insert FOUR YEAR college because I cannot tell you how many people in LA seem to think Midd is some community college in Fresno or something...)

Celtics-Sponsored Dunkin Donuts Cups

My friend Ryan McGee emailed me a picture of a Celtics-branded Dunkin Donuts coffee cup. Which is awesome:

I want.

But also it's kind of like the biggest "fuck you" to Celtics fans in Los Angeles. Why is that? Once again, THERE ARE NO DUNKIN DONUTS IN LA.

the Spring "Fashion Trends" for 2011 are really just the evolved versions of my outfits at age 10

Look. I was practically wearing Lilly Pullitzer as I came out of the womb. 

I don't wear Lillys with the frequently I once did - but you can definitely look at my current style and sense of style and see that it all stems from the colors and ideas of the fashion I grew up wearing - from Lilly to LL Bean.

So what does that look like? What has my style evolved too? Pretty much everything on this picture I've grabbed from WhoWhatWear.com - apparently my hybrid look is about to get a lot more visibility (click to enlarge):

I dig. What do you think?

Keyboard Cat's long awaited return!

In a Banksy spoof... sort of...

Every NBA Slam Dunk Contest Video Visualization

Basketball fans - head over to Hoopism for this insane video visualization of every slam dunk from every slam dunk contest.

FOMO, the Fear of Missing Out

I'm kicking off 2011 (yes, a month late, but whatever) on the Huffington Post with a blog under the comedy vertical. Check out FOMO, the Fear of Missing Out and let me know what you think!

Which 'Golden Girl' Are You?

I've been told by multiple people that if I were a Golden Girl I'd be Betty White's character - because I'm loopy. Frankly, I don't remember the show all that well - I feel like I only ever watched it spurts when I was little. But sure, I'm Rose.

What about you?

Well, Gee. This is awkward...

Source: Everything You Love to Hate